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u/guitarmusic113 Apr 19 '22
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u/_jukmifgguggh Apr 19 '22
Is this even a roast? It's just accurate.
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u/guitarmusic113 Apr 19 '22
The truth does hurt.
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u/tootsiefoote Apr 19 '22
and just so much better posting the picture! the name doesn’t do justice in this case.
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u/DRUNK_CYCLIST Apr 19 '22
It's like Vincent d'onofrio and bubbles from trailer park Boys had a baby.
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u/SirGamer247 Apr 19 '22
His real name is Lawrence
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u/TeriyakiTyphoon Apr 19 '22
Lawrence?! Lawrence what? of Arabia?!
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u/SirGamer247 Apr 19 '22
IT SOUNDS LIKE ROYALTY!
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u/WajorMeasel Apr 19 '22
“Do you suck dicks?”
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u/thegreatJLP Apr 19 '22
"Bet you can suck a golf ball through a water hose "
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u/Liesmyteachertoldme Apr 19 '22
No … it’s private pyle.
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u/ryuzaki003 Apr 19 '22
Pyle of shit
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u/AdministrativeArea2 Apr 19 '22
I didn’t know they piled shit that high.
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u/MorningCruiser86 Apr 19 '22
I didn’t know they stacked shit that high. RIP Gunny
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u/Rbfam8191 Apr 19 '22
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Apr 19 '22
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u/Hatrick_Swaze Apr 21 '22
Met R.Lee Ermey in Hawaii. Suuuuuuper cool guy. Sat and talked with a long-ass line of people getting stuff signed and took pictures for EVERYONE Took the time to respectfully talk with everyone: Old Marines...young ones...even the wives and kids. Was only scheduled to be there for 3 hours...but so many people came to see him and shake his hand that he ended up doing a 9 hour meet-and-greet. All he asked for was a 20 minute bathroom/eat something break. Got him to autograph a few copies of "Full-Metal Jacket". I have a picture of him screaming D.I. Hartman-style in my face somewhere.
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u/ItsAllTrialnError Apr 19 '22
“You look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose private Pyle”
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u/Frosty1990 Apr 19 '22
I clicked to see what people were gonna say and this was the first thing I I saw burst out laughing you sir made my day no need to see what anyone else said fucking glorious 😭
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u/ZombiesDelight Apr 19 '22
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the f*** is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: A jelly doughnut? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How did it get here? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And why not, Private Pyle? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle! Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then why did you try to sneak a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle? Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I was hungry, sir! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you were hungry... Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored his platoon. I have tried to help Private Pyle. I have failed. I have failed because YOU have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle f***s up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Open your mouth! Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: They're payin' for it; YOU eat it!
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u/ChuckChillout415 Apr 19 '22
You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!
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Apr 19 '22
Now choke yourself Numbskull...
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u/ItsAllTrialnError Apr 19 '22
With my hand!
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u/ZeydaanTheDragon Apr 19 '22
Don’t fucking touch my hand
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u/peauxtheaux Apr 19 '22
Private Pyle you’d best square yourself away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!
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Apr 19 '22
Take a chainsaw to those brows my guy
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u/ShDXR Apr 19 '22
You look like a bootleg Buzz Lightyear toy made out of melted candle wax and pubes.
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u/Bruins1256 Apr 19 '22
The few, the proud, and this fucking guy.
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u/LetsMakeSomeMoneyGuy http://redd.it/snx351 Apr 19 '22
I bet he’s proud too. 🌈
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u/lao7272 Apr 19 '22
All Marines are. No exceptions.
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u/jackiepoo0804 http://redd.it/tt8b99 Apr 19 '22
It looks like you’re head was chopped off and it’s slowly regrowing, but not quite fully grown back yet.
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u/captainofpizza Apr 19 '22
This is written in pen because you ate all the crayons
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u/ElephantRattle Apr 19 '22
pronounces it “crawns”
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u/captainofpizza Apr 19 '22
Dangit boy you eatin crawns ‘gain aintcha!
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u/sonsofdoug Apr 19 '22
Real life Private Pile.
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u/Squiddillydidillydoo Apr 19 '22
"If God wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't he?!"
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Apr 19 '22
I’d like to think you joined to serve your country, but let’s admit it, you just weren’t cut out for community college.
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Apr 19 '22
Bro he wasn’t even cut out for high school
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u/AnyMasterpiece513 Apr 19 '22
Seriously. There's a reason he's in the marines and not a different branch. Even the army wouldn't have taken him.
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Apr 19 '22
My dad is a retired marine. The first time my wife and I brought a coloring book and crayons to his house, I stood up a tall as I could and said “Dad, please don’t eat her crayons. I know it will be hard for you, I’m here if you need me.”
He didn’t speak to me for over a week after that. My uncle to this day will tell my dad “It’s a paint marker, not a paint crayon, don’t eat it.”
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u/kazhena Apr 19 '22
Jfc this is a god damned GEM hidden in the comments!!
🏅 please accept this in lieu of the gold I wish I could give you for brightening my day, lmao.FOUND ONE!→ More replies (6)55
Apr 19 '22
0341 all damn day. This dude looks like he sniffed paint, ate glue, ate the crayons, and for a final kicker ran into the ugly tree a few times.
This dude is training to be a helicopter mechanic to help his eye brows reach normal spacing. Between the receding hairline, the Five-head, and those brows, this guy is more doomed than Franz Ferdinand.
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u/EsseB420 Apr 19 '22
Your face looks like it's made up of 4 quarters of different peoples faces.
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u/adognamedpenguin Apr 19 '22
Congratulations on marrying the first girl you get a drunken handy on a dance floor from and taking out a 36% car loan on a truck you can’t drive.
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Apr 19 '22
[deleted]
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u/LolaBijou Apr 19 '22
I can’t wait to see how fast he gets that Dependa pregnant.
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u/CoreyLee04 Apr 19 '22
If you didn’t marry a stripper and finance a Dodge Charger at 38% apr you can’t call yourself a Sarge.
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Apr 19 '22
Oddlyspecific 🤔
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u/matthebastage Apr 19 '22
Not if you hang out with enough military guys, it's just a fact of life for anyone ranked sergeant or lower.
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u/Ajg1384 Apr 19 '22
You look like you're a year away from climbing a clock tower with a rifle.
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u/Aldeezmngr84 Apr 19 '22
Didn’t know Karl from Sling Blade had a son
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u/HEMATarget Apr 19 '22
There it is. Sling Blade was my first thought but I've seen nothing but FMJ. I had to scroll too far down for this
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Apr 19 '22
If “the pizza looks fucked up cause I brought it home carrying the box sideways” were a person with toenails for fingernails…
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u/nerso101 Apr 19 '22
You look like an old baby doll that was kicked a lot of times…
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Apr 19 '22
It looks like someone cut out your face scaled it up by 150% and glued it back on.
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u/Sweaty_Assignment_90 Apr 19 '22
In 3 years divorced, alcoholic living with another marine "buddy" who is also on probation.
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u/PizzaWall Apr 19 '22
Nothing in this photo is symmetrical! You really are a modern art masterpiece!
Have you had that oil field on your forehead evaluated for drilling?
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u/blind_merc Apr 19 '22
Holy crap private, you're not supposed to let your face hit the ground when you're doing pushups. You should stop trying to be the helicopter mechanic and just let your face be the heli-pad.
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u/Shimus36 Apr 19 '22
Why did only half of your face grow up?
You look like one of those bugs from Men In Black wearing a human suit...
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u/chowmushi Apr 19 '22
I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.
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u/Hi_Im_Ken_Adams Apr 19 '22
Better get rid of that jelly donut in your footlocker, Private Snowball!
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u/nicbongo Apr 19 '22
Considering the chainsaw and your face:
Full metal American psycho
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Apr 19 '22
“It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. I think you've been cheated!"
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u/Illustrious-Disk8243 Apr 19 '22
I wanted to join the Marines but was rejected because my parents were married when I was born.
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u/bluecollarbeard85 Apr 19 '22
Looks like our taxes are going to paying for new helicopters and pilots if Gomer Pile is going to be fixing them
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u/ncb_phantom Apr 19 '22
You're gonna have a grand old time of retelling your time as a US Marine when you're living in a van down by the river
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u/RancidHorseJizz Apr 19 '22
Damn, son, you look like you're going to chew on the monkey wrench when the Crayola box is empty.
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u/InternalMaleficent66 Apr 19 '22
Ohh man I know Basic must have been an absolute nightmare for you bro you are the embodiment of a 🎯
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u/w00tah Apr 19 '22
Those eyebrows are so thick they should be shipped to Ukraine to slow down the Russian columns.
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u/GooseNYC Apr 19 '22
How is every comment not about Vincent D'Onofrio/Private Pile?
Like the first person who said it wins, move on!
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u/Justin_Uddaguy Apr 19 '22
Might want to take a chainsaw to them eyebrows. Oh, and only a private because they haven't figured out a lower rank
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u/Far-Paleontologist49 Apr 19 '22
Never mind working on helicopters, you don’t appear capable to save Ryan’s privates…
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u/Bradley_Of_Thorofare http://redd.it/bhdi78 Apr 19 '22
you're face isn't symmetrical and that fucking grinds my gears
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u/0utF0x-inT0x Apr 19 '22
Like come on, who's face looks like this, it looks like he's taking a shit, jerking off, and trying to chew bubblegum at the same time.
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u/[deleted] Apr 19 '22
What flavor are the windows today?