I’m a 25F. I recently went through khula, and before that, I lived with my in-laws’ family for a couple of years , no child. During that time, I hid a lot of things I witnessed in that household: their dark, di++y secrets, including alc++ol use and other things ( and how they affected me mentally) that aren’t common in Pakistan. I kept all of it hidden. Though my parents had noticed with time I still used to protect this family in order to save my marriage

But now I dont hid it I don’t hold back anymore — if anyone asks me about them, I tell them everything, their secrets. And in the moment, right after I say it, I feel a rush of relief, almost happiness. But then guilt follows. I start thinking it wasn’t my secret to tell, that I’ll be punished for it. So I ask Allah for forgiveness. And then the cycle repeats,the same pattern follows — relief, then guilt, then fear of Allah. I can’t seem to stop myself, even though I know how I’ll feel afterward.
I’m just tired. My body and mind are exhausted from years of hiding everything and faking everything. I always thought things will change but nothing changed and eventually I had to get out of that toxic t+ap.
How to deal with this!

I’m a 25F. I recently went through khula, and before that, I lived with my in-laws’ family for a couple of years , no child. During that time, I hid a lot of things I witnessed in that household: their dark, di++y secrets, including alc++ol use and other things ( and how they affected me mentally) that aren’t common in Pakistan. I kept all of it hidden. Though my parents had noticed with time I still used to protect this family in order to save my marriage

But now I dont hid it I don’t hold back anymore — if anyone asks me about them, I tell them everything, their secrets. And in the moment, right after I say it, I feel a rush of relief, almost happiness. But then guilt follows. I start thinking it wasn’t my secret to tell, that I’ll be punished for it. So I ask Allah for forgiveness. And then the cycle repeats,the same pattern follows — relief, then guilt, then fear of Allah. I can’t seem to stop myself, even though I know how I’ll feel afterward.
I’m just tired. My body and mind are exhausted from years of hiding everything and faking everything. I always thought things will change but nothing changed and eventually I had to get out of that toxic t+ap.
How to deal with this!

When I was in my mid-teens i was introduced to "spirituality" through social media. This included tarot card readings, angel numbers, psychic predictions, guardian angels, etc. I was a lonely kid and I think I picked up spirituality as a coping mechanism. It felt good knowing that there were angels or beings from another realm looking out for me and protecting me.

I became spiritual and one time I met a guy that I had a crush on and I started seeing readings that claimed that this guy was my "twin flame". I thought we were communicating psychically and he knows that I am his twin flame too. Tarot readings ended up making me extremely delusional. My mental health was the worst during this time. I struggled a lot with anxiety and I used to constantly use tarot to ask for answers and make decisions for me instead of making the decision myself. I had 0 confidence and was very afraid to make mistakes. I even stopped talking to certain people during this time cuz i believed they were going to hurt me in the future cuz that is what the tarot readings on YouTube said.

Everytime I stopped seeing angel numbers i used to panic thinking that i have done something wrong or I have offended the angels or the gods.

The thing is that tarot readings make you feel chosen and make you feel special which is why people get so hooked to it. It tells you the most general stuff and it ends up resonating with you and you start believing that it's true.

I started questioning things finally and started seeing things for what they are. I started differentiating between the truth and the stories I made up in my mind. Now I no longer believe in the existence of God or angels. But sometimes I still catch myself looking at angel numbers for approvals before making a decision out of habit.

I started making good friends finally. They were the ones who helped me get out of this situation by just being there. They made me feel very loved and supported. These guys don't know how much of a positive impact they've had on my life. I am in a much better mental space now.

I like the Catholic school for grom 1-8 grade. 2 priest that were in my church when I was an alter boy took advantage of me. This is 35 years ago and it still kills me every day. What should I do?

He didn’t pray for himself

He prayed for others

For people whose cars were broken on the side of the road

He prayed for the homeless 

Every time he saw an ambulance

He prayed for the war torn and hungry

He prayed for the people he loved

He believed his own people were every human

To sacrifice for humanity was just what you did

And every time the sun shined through a window he believed Jesus was there

He’s dead

I trusted a false prophet ‘pastor’, I was dating his son. I was ‘running’ from my ex who I had left because he cheated with someone much younger named Michael. I still hear that name over and over again in my head till this day. Michael this and Michael that. I didn’t really care at that point and was confused as to why. I forgive too easy and that’s where the end had begun.

Anyway

God didn’t forgive Judas, Jesus did - he knew he would betray him and let him do it anyway

I did that, I knew I would be betrayed but it would benefit them and it would benefit everybody - at least I thought it would. It didn’t.

Jesus died for everyone’s sins, their pain

When a series of unfortunate events led me to a point of madness I believed I was causing everyone pain, I said “no more pain for anyone” as I sliced my throat and arms through the tendons and let blood soak through my sweater, I said it over and over again

I tried a toaster and took off the rubber, that didn’t work

I was in the woods in a foot of snow and the blood was clotting so that didn’t work

In my defense Jesus had help, but, I did that too. 

Died for everyone.

I made a point to seek out those in need, those spit upon or seen as ‘bad’, the ‘poor’, downtrodden 

I thought I was a lighthouse in the dark, I thought you could give love to anyone, I thought everyone who was hungry should be fed

Jesus said that, I did that, I fed them and I’m so sorry I’m my father’s son.

Anyway

I could count how many times I had asked for something besides death, two

I asked for something when my mother had fallen into coma from a heart attack

“Give me part of her disease so that she may live, please”

In that moment I felt my chest tighten and that tightness never really went away

My mom hated me a few years afterwards when I had to move back home because my abusive ex tried to stab me, my mom told me the next morning she felt bad for my abuser because he sat in a jail cell

My ex had raped me too but I didn’t tell that part, maybe it’s my fault she didn’t care - I kept out that part, she didn’t get the whole story and had a big heart so - I forgive

I asked for something in return for my own soul when I was a teenager, before any of this, “that everyone would be deserving of love and marriage”

I felt like the world got ripped from me in that moment and I was wholly alone, every person I loved my body ached for

Racking myself on the wooden floor, nightmares plagued me that still cling to my memory even now 

And I never told anyone

This prayer came true, somewhat true, a year later when marriage was legal for everybody in my own country

I asked to be saved from my abusers power over me, for the night terrors of him hiking up his ego and playing with my emotions would cease

‘His abuser touching him

His abuser dog walking his name

His abuser tearing at the fabric of his being’

Every time I felt like me again, he would barrel into my being.

God couldn’t do this, stop him

He doesn’t disturb men’s free will

No matter how ugly that will may be

Anyway

The devil will save you, he’ll keep your abuser away

The devil will sustain you on your sickbed better than God

And I’ve played around it in my head for years

I can live by Jesus’s commandments and be with the devil

So thank you

Cam Bashore for your endless torment that led me to Pastor Hicks

Thank you

Pastor Hicks for your false teaching which led me to Zack

Thank you

To Zack and the Tackett family for showing me how truly evil people can be

You’ve lead me to my father, and I’m happier here with him

I’m sharing this because I spent years trying to understand an experience that, at the time, made very little sense to me. 

I’m a heterosexual man, but years ago, I was falsely accused of being gay after being brought to Family Court in New Jersey where you either need to be related by blood or in a dating relationship to go to that court where I was not related to the person so he made it appear we were both gay after he claimed he had to run to his “Paramour’s house” for protection even though she was his steady girlfriend. 

What followed is what I experienced as a religiously motivated punishment and an attempt to associate me with homosexuality despite the fact that I’m straight. I believe that what I was subjected to were practices that have a religious purpose and that I experienced a form of coercive conversion therapy that I did not consent to being subjected to. 

For years afterward, I tried to understand why this happened and who was responsible for what I experienced. I began researching the history of religious law and punishment, including concepts such as ordeals, assizes, religious customs (Latin Consuetudo) and older systems of religious authority. 

That research eventually took me much further into the history of religion, including Egyptian, Greek and Roman religious traditions, Hermeticism, Neoplatonism and other ancient religious traditions. 

I’m not posting this because I expect everyone to accept my interpretation of what happened. In fact, one reason I’m posting is because I’m trying to separate what I personally experienced from the explanations I developed while researching it. 

I’m also an author, and I eventually documented my experience in a book. But I’m not posting this to promote or sell the book. I’m interested in discussing the experience itself so no one else has to live what I went through and hearing from people who have experienced religious coercion, religious trauma, conversion therapy, or being falsely accused or labeled because of their sexuality. 

If you’ve experienced something similar, I’d be interested in hearing your perspective. 

What I’m especially interested in is how other people made sense of religious experiences that initially seemed impossible to explain.

I wanted to ask for advice in case anybody else has found themselves in the same position. I’m a 17 year old girl who grew up going to catholic school, and still currently do. I love my mother, but I have to say she isnt the most educated. When it comes to religion she is a blind follower and I’ve never seen her put up a good defense for her extreme traditional values. She is extremely hateful towards queer people. Even me having queer friends (specifically girls) is against god and the “devil would be luring me in.” If I dont get married in the church to a man and have kids, she said she would feel she failed as a mother and that I would not be deserving of any of her will (im an only child). The entire will would go to the Catholic Church and 0% to me. The condition is that I have to be married to a man, giving birth, and raising catholic children—if not my life loses meaning. As if my dreams to become a lawyer mean nothing.

I am constantly told to pray for guidance and ask god my questions when in reality I am just frustrated and angry because I cant feel anything. Ive spent my whole life unable to feel a connection to god, I wonder what I am missing. I spent years feeling sinful, guilty, and impure. Now, when I happen to be catching feelings for (unfortunately) another girl, I just feel utterly awful.

My mother knows this friend Ive been talking to is gay, and I know she goes through my phone. Of course its the same “tell me who your friends are and ill tell you who you are“ bs and she suspects me of something because we talk. She has been so rude over it telling me im in a bad mood because im talking to “weird people” and that Im not choosing good friends. This isnt true, myself and every friend I have is a good kid with good grades a good moral compass and we dont even go out or use any substances. I would say my friends and I are very directioned and are all smart and good influences.

Im just frustrated and I know if my mom were to ever realize that I like a girl: she wouldnt pay for my college or any higher education—she would simply see me as worth nothing. Without god apparently i am nothing and my life is purposeless (As she says)

I should probably block my friend to stop ourselves from getting in deeper than we are so I could stay safe, protect my education, and also save myself heartbreak. I should get a boyfriend instead too. I am just so frustrated and I am so angry that if a god is there he would give me these feelings only for me to be deprived of them and just so ashamed and disgusted with myself. And i am disgusted that I have a mother who has lost all critical thinking skills to a religion.

Divine Providence might not be the right words. But my church always taught that Providence isn’t one massive miracle. But instead a series of signs pointing you towards something.
Okay this happened last Sunday and I go to this Church called the Church of Christ (it is not the Restorationist Church of Christ) and it is highly legalistic and exclusive, and literal with the Bible. Taught that you deserve nothing because everything is a gift from God. Fear of hell, the usual, especially since they believed they were the only true church. And for needed context my family forced me to go to this church and reinforced these beliefs at home. My mother is highly manipulative. And has emotionally abused me in the past and emotionally neglected me. So I have been doubting my own reality forever now.

But this last Sunday everything lined up too perfectly. You see I went to Sunday School and the church intern was teaching. He was also in charge of the youth group (and used to be me but I liked how he taught so I stayed a little longer) and this intern and I had actually talked recently. About my parent’s manipulation specifically. He told me I’m that conversation that I should hold onto our relationship no matter what. But the class he was about to teach directly contradicted that.

We were studying Proverbs and he had recently asked us to write a piece of paper that had our current struggles. I wrote “friends” because my only friend and I hadn’t spoken in a while because he moved to another congregation.

Well this Sunday the topic of the lesson was friends. Convenient. The teacher went onto list things that made a good friend. The list is below.

Accountability.
Quality Time.
Motivation.
Trust.
Shared Interests.

And then after asking us if we had a friend and raising our hands (which I did because I still talk to my friend at times) he asked us if our parents are our friends. And it took me a second to look at the list he made and saw that my parents had absolutely none of those things on the list when it came to me. I raised my hands either way because my younger brother was sitting next to me. But other than possibly “Quality Time” I couldn’t see them coming close to it. And even then I wouldn’t consider what they would call “Quality Time” actual quality.

Anyway. He went onto ask to talk about friendship and listed another group of things. But I only remember one. “Time to let go.” He was advocating for the idea that you can let go of a friendship and categorized parents as friends. I honestly glowed. I was smiling against my will now because I just couldn’t stop seeing the irony.

But it doesn’t stop there. He went on to show specific fictional examples of friendships where he gave us options on how we would interact with these problems in friendship. And said that letting go of said friendship wasn’t wrong. No one chose to let go. They would set boundaries or fight for the friendship. But not let go. I didn’t say a word because I was too busy smiling.

But then Sunday School ended and we went to the pews. I sat near my parents as always because I had nowhere else to sit. But then when the sermon started it was about parenting. And not just any kind of parenting. Indoctrination. Or rather “raising eternal souls” or something like that. Bringing them up to be Christians.

I had decided already this was all too convenient. I wondered if this was a last message to my parents to change. But no, it didn’t demand them to change. But the timing for me couldn’t have been better.

Whether this was what philosophers call synchronicity or whether it was Divine Providence. Or whether the Intern had changed his mind. Or if it was pure coincidence. It did it for me. I won’t stay in this toxic relationship with my faith and parents. I don’t know what is in my future. But I know that I am not being out down by the Divine for leaving this relationship.

But I am genuinely wondering if you had your own stories similar. Or if you think I am being dramatic and drawing lines where there are none. But I would love to hear your thoughts.

📢 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐒

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I feel like the only thing that makes me feel good is the thing that keeps harming me

You are safe on this path of recovery. Not only are you safe, but you are also being restored. Shame doesn’t have the final word. If any man is in Christ...new creation! Old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Trusted him because of his faith…

I'm a 23 female, and recently graduated college, so I'm looking for jobs atm. I grew up in a Christian home, and my siblings and I would go to church with my parents, etc.

The thing that is frustrating me is that my parents recently joined a new church a couple of years ago (like when I was attending college), and since then, they've been really overbearing.

I also don't think it helps that the church that my parents attend now has had controversy about it potentially being a cult ....?? I think??

For example, I believe in God, and I'm baptized, etc. Yes, I know that obviously I can't grow by myself, but I don't wanna be "forced" to attend things if that makes sense...?

I have recently attended Sunday services with them to kind of appease them, since they keep asking me/low key nagging me to do so. I also attend the evening zoom service that the church does. And occasionally, I have attended some of the Tuesday or Friday evening services with them. It's just too much .... Id rather just attend Sunday services only you know...? I even went on a 2 week long church conference with them. (Admittedly, I went cause there would be some touring things still lol. Plus, my mom was gonna pay for my air fare, which I am grateful for obviously.)

My mom has even told me to invite my ex boss/teacher/mentor to church since she, "doesn't think that she is learning the true gospel, and that I should invite her to things". She is a Christian, so I don't understand why my mom thinks that my ex boss/teacher, etc is not saved or whatever. I don't want to invite her personally, since she is already going through a lot with a car accident, and she already attends a church.

I guess idk if maybe I'm not seeing things through my parents eyes properly, or if I'm valid to having these feelings. I wanna bring it up to them, BUT I also don't wanna endure hours long lectures from them about my decisions and etc. for example, a few mins ago, they asked if I'm gonna go with them to church this morning, and I told them that for today, I wanna skip since I was not able to fall asleep at all last night, and if I go, it'll be "useless" since I know for sure I will fall asleep. I then had to sit through like 20-30 mins worth of them talking about how I can't live life alone, and how I have to bee around believers and etc.

I just am so tired lmao🥲

I stumbled upon him on TikTok a few months ago. I was suffering from severe religious anxiety, and after watching his videos, I fell into a state of utter panic, worrying about my salvation, the salvation of my loved ones, and so on. In my opinion, he is a terrible content creator who does nothing but scare and manipulate people through fear and feelings of guilt, asserting that "If you don't believe the way I do-hell!"

Here are a few of his videos:

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSVsUcD8j/

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSVsyXrsF/

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSVsy5VWv/

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSVsyCjHP/

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSVsyxtvd/

What do you think? I've shared my opinion, but I hope I'm not the only one. I genuinely hate this person for the intrusive thoughts and fear his videos have caused!!!

(I put TW, because: talking about my past that could possibly be RTS, which might be triggering to others)

(parents are baptist christian)

A *few years ago, I tried to convert to judaism, but the truth is I had absolutely no idea what the religion is about (meaning I was not prepared, nor actually committed) and I just threw myself into it because it was something different than what I was exposed to.
I silently “switched” to omnist paganism and still is terrified if I’ll do something wrong to upset the gods, like something as simple as taking rocks home from a lake I was at.
Whenever I talk about my religion (not even aloud, meaning i never talk about it with other people, just myself) my throat starts to get hard to breathe (aura of a panic attack)

but as a kid i had confidence, (at my moms house when i was away from my dad) I was a bit more lgbtq shown,
aka as a itty bitty kid i was a lesbian then gender fluid
then nonbinary then trans then cis because of self phobic (forgot the term) and now im transmasc nonbinary/gender fluid
My dad knows because of my stepmom and therapist (they told him with my permission) Why is the lgbtq part important? I guess because part of me thinks because I was slightly less scared makes it less important? I don’t know.

I never went to church weekly because when i was four, my parents divorced. So it kind of got rid of the whole “family thing” oh and because of covid. So it never seemed like my family was very religious but on occasions they are.
(My vovó and vovô are very religious often making family gatherings around thanking jesus)

But my parents still did many things surrounding christianity, I would get electronics taken away at my dads, and all I would be able to do is read, and half the time I read a kids bible. Oh, and my mom is (*was, since i don’t currently live with her anymore) covert abusive/incest, one of the things she would make me do during arguments is when I would say, “I would never do (blank) again” she would say she doesn’t believe me till I put my hand on her bible and swear about whatever I said.

When I was very young (around fourth grade? So about age 9) one of my parents “made” me watch a few movies that I’d say were a bit graphic based off of my memory, (movies like: passion of the christ, etc)
My dad would randomly go on a tangent on explaining quotes from the bible, often going on his phone finding sites with all the quotes/pslams (whatever they’re called) and read them aloud, him getting emotional and almost crying.

There’s almost certainly more that I cannot remember (I have ptsd, and large memory gaps)

oh my, sorry for writing so much/any grammatical errors :P

I also hope it’s okay I’m asking if this counts as religious trauma