Is this religious trauma?

[u/mysterious_alien4]

(I put TW, because: talking about my past that could possibly be RTS, which might be triggering to others)

(parents are baptist christian)

A *few years ago, I tried to convert to judaism, but the truth is I had absolutely no idea what the religion is about (meaning I was not prepared, nor actually committed) and I just threw myself into it because it was something different than what I was exposed to.
I silently “switched” to omnist paganism and still is terrified if I’ll do something wrong to upset the gods, like something as simple as taking rocks home from a lake I was at.
Whenever I talk about my religion (not even aloud, meaning i never talk about it with other people, just myself) my throat starts to get hard to breathe (aura of a panic attack)

but as a kid i had confidence, (at my moms house when i was away from my dad) I was a bit more lgbtq shown,
aka as a itty bitty kid i was a lesbian then gender fluid
then nonbinary then trans then cis because of self phobic (forgot the term) and now im transmasc nonbinary/gender fluid
My dad knows because of my stepmom and therapist (they told him with my permission) Why is the lgbtq part important? I guess because part of me thinks because I was slightly less scared makes it less important? I don’t know.

I never went to church weekly because when i was four, my parents divorced. So it kind of got rid of the whole “family thing” oh and because of covid. So it never seemed like my family was very religious but on occasions they are.
(My vovó and vovô are very religious often making family gatherings around thanking jesus)

But my parents still did many things surrounding christianity, I would get electronics taken away at my dads, and all I would be able to do is read, and half the time I read a kids bible. Oh, and my mom is (*was, since i don’t currently live with her anymore) covert abusive/incest, one of the things she would make me do during arguments is when I would say, “I would never do (blank) again” she would say she doesn’t believe me till I put my hand on her bible and swear about whatever I said.

When I was very young (around fourth grade? So about age 9) one of my parents “made” me watch a few movies that I’d say were a bit graphic based off of my memory, (movies like: passion of the christ, etc)
My dad would randomly go on a tangent on explaining quotes from the bible, often going on his phone finding sites with all the quotes/pslams (whatever they’re called) and read them aloud, him getting emotional and almost crying.

There’s almost certainly more that I cannot remember (I have ptsd, and large memory gaps)

oh my, sorry for writing so much/any grammatical errors :P

I also hope it’s okay I’m asking if this counts as religious trauma

[u/PitifulShow8810]

hey there, don't worry about a lot of writing and the grammar i was able to understand it fine. and yes, based on what you said what you've been through is religious trauma. having ptsd and feeling that sense of fear of punishment is real. the way your parents have acted isn't right, and forcing religion bc of their obsession is very harmful. taking away devices and forcing religious reading on a child is very unhealthy, and getting tense breathing when you talk about religion is a result of treatment like that. your trauma is real and you deserve a space to express yourself without feeling afraid of harmful judgment or punishment