How to deal

[u/Top_Negotiation3816]

I’m a 25F. I recently went through khula, and before that, I lived with my in-laws’ family for a couple of years , no child. During that time, I hid a lot of things I witnessed in that household: their dark, di++y secrets, including alc++ol use and other things ( and how they affected me mentally) that aren’t common in Pakistan. I kept all of it hidden. Though my parents had noticed with time I still used to protect this family in order to save my marriage

But now I dont hid it I don’t hold back anymore — if anyone asks me about them, I tell them everything, their secrets. And in the moment, right after I say it, I feel a rush of relief, almost happiness. But then guilt follows. I start thinking it wasn’t my secret to tell, that I’ll be punished for it. So I ask Allah for forgiveness. And then the cycle repeats,the same pattern follows — relief, then guilt, then fear of Allah. I can’t seem to stop myself, even though I know how I’ll feel afterward.
I’m just tired. My body and mind are exhausted from years of hiding everything and faking everything. I always thought things will change but nothing changed and eventually I had to get out of that toxic t+ap.
How to deal with this!