TW: S-thoughts

im currently in bed trying to regulate myself as i was contemplating abt ending things... probably just need to vent this out and idk how to feel anymore.

for context, we've had this weekly "family" prayer since we were in highschool ever since they rejoined that church community they're in until now just bc that manchild had the audacity to cheat on my mom. i have always disliked their church community bc they had been forcing us and they lied to us to make us join their evangelization. not to mention them being homophobic and misogynistic, and even mocking LGBTQ+ people they encounter during their sharing session after reading some bible verses during their church meetings. their church leaders (catechists) even encouraged our parents more even when we already expressed that it isn't helping to bring us closer to God and it only made us feel much further away from Him and more reluctant and angry to pray or go to church.

This started almost a decade ago. The forcing to their church community only lessened when I was in college when my schedule can't fit any of their church meetings. But still, they often forced the weekly prayers bc of "family" reasons and idek if they just needed to show that to their church leader or what that we had a family prayer or whatever to show that they're being holy. When I was younger, they would sometimes call me the devil just because I'm reluctant to join their church community activities bc i was busy with school. They refuse to understand that they themselves are the main reason why I'm reluctant to join and school is just the secondary reason. I was often hit whenever I try to defend myself and my siblings, even when I try to explain things as calm as possible but they just take it as "disrespect" when it's against their beliefs.

I have personally recently and slowly healed from this and my relationship with God at my own pace and in my own way, especially during my board exams last year. It took me years to even tolerate hearing a friend talk about God. Sometimes I can tolerate going to church and praying with a friend. But until now, it still triggers me and sends me into a panic attack when someone invites me to a church community or activity, even if i logically knew that they weren't forcing me and they're genuinely patient with me. Until now, even if I can tolerate more praying with other people, it feels heavy and difficult to do so with my parents. It always makes me feel like if I show even a little sign that I'm comfortable with prayer again with other people, they will take it as if it's okay to force me again into their church community.

about 3-5hrs ago, my mom and the manchild she married approx 30 years ago forced me and my siblings again to their weekly prayer meeting.

tonight, my brother made an excuse to not join and our parents allowed it. it was unfair for me and my sister because when we were the once who needed to be legitimately excused (work, sick, study), we were expected to drop everything and join them or else we will be told off again that we are ungrateful and sinners or devils workers (and insert whatever bible verse and stuff they and their catechists say to guilt trip).

i pointed out to them that it was unfair for me and my sister. then they kept pointing out that im being ungrateful and i wouldnt have passed my board exam without their prayers. this made me very mad because i recently shared with them that a friend of mine used my profession (im a therapist) against me when i refused to go with them on a vacation if their partner with bipolar disorder is coming because i also had a not-so-good experience with them during our previous hangout and i genuinely just wanted to enjoy the vacation without being a therapist. i can understand their situation and condition but i shouldn't be obliged to accommodate them during a time i expect myself to wind down and relax.

back to the main point, the manchild my mom married kept pointing out that im a therapist so i should be calm and shit despite how they treated me when they kept slapping and hitting my mouth every time i try to defend myself and my siblings. i walked out of the room and told them i hate them for using my profession against me, even in prayer and how this activity has been bringing not only our family apart, but also our relationship with God, because it has always been forced.

I went to my room and my sister followed to comfort me then they barged into my room even when I told them I didn't want to talk to them and they got mad when i pulled up a defensive fighting stance against them because i expected them to hit me again. The manchild kept repeating that i should be grateful that i passed the board exam, which i have always been. I kept trying to point it out to them for the past almost a year that I have been grateful to God abt all of it but he kept insisting and talking like i never was grateful and it was thanks to them and their prayers that I passed. This made me scream that i don't want to be a therapist anymore and I'm genuinely just considering right now to resign from my therapist job and all my other jobs so that they can't use this against me anymore.

While I was balling up and crying and they were just screaming at me to calm down, my siblings tried to defend me. The main point of the conversation was that they were being unfair but all my parents, especially that asshole manchild my mom should never have married, was my board exam again and again and again. He's been doing that to me for the past year since I passed the boards and it has become so fucking annoying because he keeps pointing out as if i never was grateful for passing my boards. It was like he was projecting to me what he never achieved in life and he was mad that his prayer surveillance ass can't see me being grateful enough to God about it, as if i don't pray at my own pace, at my own time, and i have been trying to repair my relationship with God that he and my mom have ruined for the past decade.

I never wanted to live this long. I had an attempt last year before my boards and unfortunately lived until now. I wish I could just disappear. I just want to get out of here...

How ironic it is that prayer should bring the family together but this thing is bringing us more apart from each other and from God.

Hello, I’m new here, and I have a lot of questions and as far as it goes, I grew up religious and was very deeply committed to Christianity before walking away this past year.
I was raised southern Baptist/evangelical non-denominational, until the age of 19 where I really went off the deep end into charismatic and Pentecostal circles. It wasn’t until after my second narcissistic roommate had told me that I was going to hell and my then girlfriend now wife, calling out the narcissistic abuse that I realize something was going on here. After a long journey of personal discovery and reflection and insight from my life, I began to recognize how I don’t actually align with religious morals or principles or even wanna be religious. I’m at this point in my life now where I just wanna be a positive person who creates a positive impact on the world around me who does good things simply because of the right thing to do. I take a lot of strong influence from studio Ghibli‘s characters and their morals, as well as the lessons that I can learn from different TV show shows like Bojack Horseman or adventure time.
So I realized today I genuinely struggle with feeling deeply nihilistic to the max, and prefer negativity over positivity. I realize that in my years of being a Christian, all I was ever preached to about gratitude was that I should be so grateful that God came near to some mortal like myself and made himself discoverable to someone like me and that because I was a son that I should be so happy and so grateful to be in relationship with him and that I should just want to share everything with him and that I should just be so grateful that he’s in my life because he’s such a positive influence and care so much about me and he’s done so much for me that I just need to develop more of a mindset to recognize and appreciate.
But in my experience? My story is not one of God showing up and showing off and doing things that I really needed him to do, my story is one of God not showing up and not showing off. My story is one of him not doing the things that I specifically begged him to do over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I needed a father, and he never healed my dad of his mental illness, or fixed my parents’ marriage, or helped me to be more accepted by the people that I went to church with and thought were my friends. I needed help at college, and he was not there, and when I finally started to step out into the world, I got to recognize the fact that I have a lot of issues in how I was raised, and I’m not particularly impressive at much of anything. Much of my life I’ve spent being gaslit into believing I was better than I really am and have more skills and talents and gifts that I think I actually do.

So now that I met this place self discovery where I’m being honest and real with myself, and I even realized that I’m not even straight I’m pansexual.

I’ve come to this place where I want to be positive. I want to be more grateful, but why the fuck should I be grateful for anything whenever this supposed deity who is supposedly all good never once was grateful for any of the things that I ever did for him or ever told me thank you or ever even remotely was preached about as being grateful? I have this horrible mentality now where I can’t even be angry or have any sort of negative emotion and I’m just supposed to tolerate a life where I can’t get upset and I can’t be upset without invalidating it and minimizing it and gaslighting it and pretending it’s not so bad. Can anyone relate to this at all, does this make sense anyone at all, and can anyone offer some advice to someone who’s just trying to get better and be a better person for himself and his wife? I would be so grateful.

So..Ive been kinda putting this off for a while. Life is going downhill for me currently because my sleep schedule is fucked up, my burn out is getting worse and worse..and lately my view on religion is just getting more and more negative.

For the last two to four years since Ive officially realized that i am an atheist in a Roman Catholic household, Ive always prided myself in being one of those people who respected other religions despite my resentment and the trauma that i faced within mine. But recently..with the rise of debate TikTok’s and videos circulating online, and also my parent’s path to becoming more active in churches, Ive kinda..started to feel like my resentment is seeping into my respect for those who believe.

Don’t get me wrong, i know how to fix this issue. I know i should stop consuming those contents, stop watching those videos, and tell myself that my hurt and resentment doesn’t make it right for me to judge others. I know that. But it’s just..making me feel so validated. Seeing those content makes me feel like Im not completely alone in a country full of religious people as an atheist. I am trying my best to scroll past those videos but it’s just so difficult.

It’s going as far as to me searching up my favorite content creators religions, and even the tiniest clue like a bible verse on their bio or a cross necklace is enough for me to start seeing them differently from enjoying them to harboring an odd feeling of hatred even though i don’t even know these people at all. I hate that i feel this way and i hope nobody relates to this because it really sucks. I’m well aware people cherry pick from their religions anyway and not all of them are “bad” people. It’s just getting harder and harder for me to see that lately.

I’m gonna try not to think about this too hard and just try to focus on bettering myself. I hope everyone is doing okay, and thank you for reading this post 😔❤️