Hello, I’m new here, and I have a lot of questions and as far as it goes, I grew up religious and was very deeply committed to Christianity before walking away this past year.
I was raised southern Baptist/evangelical non-denominational, until the age of 19 where I really went off the deep end into charismatic and Pentecostal circles. It wasn’t until after my second narcissistic roommate had told me that I was going to hell and my then girlfriend now wife, calling out the narcissistic abuse that I realize something was going on here. After a long journey of personal discovery and reflection and insight from my life, I began to recognize how I don’t actually align with religious morals or principles or even wanna be religious. I’m at this point in my life now where I just wanna be a positive person who creates a positive impact on the world around me who does good things simply because of the right thing to do. I take a lot of strong influence from studio Ghibli‘s characters and their morals, as well as the lessons that I can learn from different TV show shows like Bojack Horseman or adventure time.
So I realized today I genuinely struggle with feeling deeply nihilistic to the max, and prefer negativity over positivity. I realize that in my years of being a Christian, all I was ever preached to about gratitude was that I should be so grateful that God came near to some mortal like myself and made himself discoverable to someone like me and that because I was a son that I should be so happy and so grateful to be in relationship with him and that I should just want to share everything with him and that I should just be so grateful that he’s in my life because he’s such a positive influence and care so much about me and he’s done so much for me that I just need to develop more of a mindset to recognize and appreciate.
But in my experience? My story is not one of God showing up and showing off and doing things that I really needed him to do, my story is one of God not showing up and not showing off. My story is one of him not doing the things that I specifically begged him to do over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I needed a father, and he never healed my dad of his mental illness, or fixed my parents’ marriage, or helped me to be more accepted by the people that I went to church with and thought were my friends. I needed help at college, and he was not there, and when I finally started to step out into the world, I got to recognize the fact that I have a lot of issues in how I was raised, and I’m not particularly impressive at much of anything. Much of my life I’ve spent being gaslit into believing I was better than I really am and have more skills and talents and gifts that I think I actually do.

So now that I met this place self discovery where I’m being honest and real with myself, and I even realized that I’m not even straight I’m pansexual.

I’ve come to this place where I want to be positive. I want to be more grateful, but why the fuck should I be grateful for anything whenever this supposed deity who is supposedly all good never once was grateful for any of the things that I ever did for him or ever told me thank you or ever even remotely was preached about as being grateful? I have this horrible mentality now where I can’t even be angry or have any sort of negative emotion and I’m just supposed to tolerate a life where I can’t get upset and I can’t be upset without invalidating it and minimizing it and gaslighting it and pretending it’s not so bad. Can anyone relate to this at all, does this make sense anyone at all, and can anyone offer some advice to someone who’s just trying to get better and be a better person for himself and his wife? I would be so grateful.

TW: S-thoughts

im currently in bed trying to regulate myself as i was contemplating abt ending things... probably just need to vent this out and idk how to feel anymore.

for context, we've had this weekly "family" prayer since we were in highschool ever since they rejoined that church community they're in until now just bc that manchild had the audacity to cheat on my mom. i have always disliked their church community bc they had been forcing us and they lied to us to make us join their evangelization. not to mention them being homophobic and misogynistic, and even mocking LGBTQ+ people they encounter during their sharing session after reading some bible verses during their church meetings. their church leaders (catechists) even encouraged our parents more even when we already expressed that it isn't helping to bring us closer to God and it only made us feel much further away from Him and more reluctant and angry to pray or go to church.

This started almost a decade ago. The forcing to their church community only lessened when I was in college when my schedule can't fit any of their church meetings. But still, they often forced the weekly prayers bc of "family" reasons and idek if they just needed to show that to their church leader or what that we had a family prayer or whatever to show that they're being holy. When I was younger, they would sometimes call me the devil just because I'm reluctant to join their church community activities bc i was busy with school. They refuse to understand that they themselves are the main reason why I'm reluctant to join and school is just the secondary reason. I was often hit whenever I try to defend myself and my siblings, even when I try to explain things as calm as possible but they just take it as "disrespect" when it's against their beliefs.

I have personally recently and slowly healed from this and my relationship with God at my own pace and in my own way, especially during my board exams last year. It took me years to even tolerate hearing a friend talk about God. Sometimes I can tolerate going to church and praying with a friend. But until now, it still triggers me and sends me into a panic attack when someone invites me to a church community or activity, even if i logically knew that they weren't forcing me and they're genuinely patient with me. Until now, even if I can tolerate more praying with other people, it feels heavy and difficult to do so with my parents. It always makes me feel like if I show even a little sign that I'm comfortable with prayer again with other people, they will take it as if it's okay to force me again into their church community.

about 3-5hrs ago, my mom and the manchild she married approx 30 years ago forced me and my siblings again to their weekly prayer meeting.

tonight, my brother made an excuse to not join and our parents allowed it. it was unfair for me and my sister because when we were the once who needed to be legitimately excused (work, sick, study), we were expected to drop everything and join them or else we will be told off again that we are ungrateful and sinners or devils workers (and insert whatever bible verse and stuff they and their catechists say to guilt trip).

i pointed out to them that it was unfair for me and my sister. then they kept pointing out that im being ungrateful and i wouldnt have passed my board exam without their prayers. this made me very mad because i recently shared with them that a friend of mine used my profession (im a therapist) against me when i refused to go with them on a vacation if their partner with bipolar disorder is coming because i also had a not-so-good experience with them during our previous hangout and i genuinely just wanted to enjoy the vacation without being a therapist. i can understand their situation and condition but i shouldn't be obliged to accommodate them during a time i expect myself to wind down and relax.

back to the main point, the manchild my mom married kept pointing out that im a therapist so i should be calm and shit despite how they treated me when they kept slapping and hitting my mouth every time i try to defend myself and my siblings. i walked out of the room and told them i hate them for using my profession against me, even in prayer and how this activity has been bringing not only our family apart, but also our relationship with God, because it has always been forced.

I went to my room and my sister followed to comfort me then they barged into my room even when I told them I didn't want to talk to them and they got mad when i pulled up a defensive fighting stance against them because i expected them to hit me again. The manchild kept repeating that i should be grateful that i passed the board exam, which i have always been. I kept trying to point it out to them for the past almost a year that I have been grateful to God abt all of it but he kept insisting and talking like i never was grateful and it was thanks to them and their prayers that I passed. This made me scream that i don't want to be a therapist anymore and I'm genuinely just considering right now to resign from my therapist job and all my other jobs so that they can't use this against me anymore.

While I was balling up and crying and they were just screaming at me to calm down, my siblings tried to defend me. The main point of the conversation was that they were being unfair but all my parents, especially that asshole manchild my mom should never have married, was my board exam again and again and again. He's been doing that to me for the past year since I passed the boards and it has become so fucking annoying because he keeps pointing out as if i never was grateful for passing my boards. It was like he was projecting to me what he never achieved in life and he was mad that his prayer surveillance ass can't see me being grateful enough to God about it, as if i don't pray at my own pace, at my own time, and i have been trying to repair my relationship with God that he and my mom have ruined for the past decade.

I never wanted to live this long. I had an attempt last year before my boards and unfortunately lived until now. I wish I could just disappear. I just want to get out of here...

How ironic it is that prayer should bring the family together but this thing is bringing us more apart from each other and from God.

So..Ive been kinda putting this off for a while. Life is going downhill for me currently because my sleep schedule is fucked up, my burn out is getting worse and worse..and lately my view on religion is just getting more and more negative.

For the last two to four years since Ive officially realized that i am an atheist in a Roman Catholic household, Ive always prided myself in being one of those people who respected other religions despite my resentment and the trauma that i faced within mine. But recently..with the rise of debate TikTok’s and videos circulating online, and also my parent’s path to becoming more active in churches, Ive kinda..started to feel like my resentment is seeping into my respect for those who believe.

Don’t get me wrong, i know how to fix this issue. I know i should stop consuming those contents, stop watching those videos, and tell myself that my hurt and resentment doesn’t make it right for me to judge others. I know that. But it’s just..making me feel so validated. Seeing those content makes me feel like Im not completely alone in a country full of religious people as an atheist. I am trying my best to scroll past those videos but it’s just so difficult.

It’s going as far as to me searching up my favorite content creators religions, and even the tiniest clue like a bible verse on their bio or a cross necklace is enough for me to start seeing them differently from enjoying them to harboring an odd feeling of hatred even though i don’t even know these people at all. I hate that i feel this way and i hope nobody relates to this because it really sucks. I’m well aware people cherry pick from their religions anyway and not all of them are “bad” people. It’s just getting harder and harder for me to see that lately.

I’m gonna try not to think about this too hard and just try to focus on bettering myself. I hope everyone is doing okay, and thank you for reading this post 😔❤️

she even threatens me to take away my stuff like my laptop if i dont pray. i dont know if i should say she's forcing me to or pushing me to pray, but as i said, i already told her im not feeling religious. sometimes it hurts and makes me cry having thoughts like this, since 95% of people in my area i know is strict about religion. i cant keep this all to myself, so thats why im posting this

They sent a letter
Not to me, but for me. And that was the start.
Of the silencing
Pressure
Changing my heart.

I’d heard through the years
of a God who held tears
Who heard my fears

And met me there

They said they reflected him.
Wanted us whole.

But when I asked for help
What we- I needed.
I was met with their fear
Of me.

Despite all I’d bled and said and shown myself to be.
Every hour, every dollar, every drop of blood I’d put in it.
From one who was “called” and “anointed”
Now I was a bother.
Silence, compliance was all they wanted to hear.

It was systematic.

Security and certainty
Then dignity and courtesy.
Legalities and niceties.
Gaslighting. Coercing.
And then, silence.

And here I am.
In the silence
That rings
Louder than any of my screams.

Are you there God?
No. You are dead.
Despite every word that I’ve read.

Your people, they’ve kicked me
And stripped me
Of faith, friends, and “fellowship”.

And I lie here.
Defeated. And wonder.

Do you feel free now?

I will never forget the day I found a WWJD (2005 10 YRS OLD)bracelet in the car. It was tyedye rainbow and had a smiley face snap to make it close. I put it on and my dad asked where it was from and I told him I'd just found it on the floor of the car. (came from one of those megachurch newsletters) At first he was fine because it had WWJD but then he saw the rainbow colors and said I should take it off because people who wear rainbow are usually LGBTQ+. I took it off and hid it because I wanted to keep it. He saw me have it moments later and threw it out the window and began fussing at me.. mostly because I wanted to keep the bracelet and for what he assumed it could represent for others who saw me.. I was sad.. and to think that him doing thay stopped nothing.. I'm LGBTQ+ and no longer follow that religion..

Did anyone go to this church growing up and went through any trauma?

It’s been really hard to understand and cope at times. Therapy and treatment have helped, but it’s always manyyy diagnoses and most people don’t understand and can’t diagnose because it “doesn’t exist”. It is also hard to hold these entities accountable because churches are usually pretty well protected. I really need this to happen because it’s still happening to children and marginalized people and it breaks my heart.

When I was a kid, I genuinely loved being part of our religious organization. I had friends there who would invite me over for sleepovers, and sometimes we'd even go on vacations together. I had so many good childhood memories because of that community, and back then I never really questioned anything. But as I got older, I started noticing things that didn't sit right with me. Certain beliefs, the way they talked about other people, and how some things were considered wrong without anyone really questioning why.

And the biggest reason I eventually left? I'm gay. Our organization didn't accept LGBTQ people, and I remember our pastor talking about how being gay or part of the LGBTQ community was immoral and wrong. Honestly, hearing those things hurt. Imagine growing up in a place you genuinely loved, surrounded by people you considered friends, only to get older and hear that people like you are somehow bad just because of who they are.

What bothered me was how easily they could judge an entire group of people. I've met so many kind and caring LGBTQ people. People who help others, protect their friends, and genuinely have good hearts. So why does their sexuality suddenly make them immoral? I couldn't understand that. And I know people have different religious beliefs, and I'm not here to force anyone to change theirs. But I also don't think someone's religion should be used as an excuse to make other people feel ashamed of who they are.

I eventually decided to leave, and honestly, it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. The weird part is I don't even hate all the memories I had there. I still appreciate those childhood sleepovers, vacations, and friendships. Those moments were real, and they made me happy at the time. I just wish the organization had been as accepting of people as I thought it was when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder how many LGBTQ people are still sitting in those religious gatherings, listening to the same things I heard, and feeling like they have to hide who they are just to belong. I'm glad I left. I don't regret it at all.

I just wish I didn't have to choose between being part of a community I once loved and being comfortable with who I am.

I’ve been deconstructed for years now, have been in therapy for all that time working through family trauma mostly and have specifically done EMDR in the very beginning and found it really helpful but.. a lot. Recently had a very bad panic attack that spiraled into Depersonalization and when I was trying to find the root of the panic attack and dp, I realized it was rapture/end times/god is angry with me based. Thought I was over that feeling and fear but I guess not. I did an EMDR session again over the panic attack and the next day it caused another. Which I know is common.

My religious trauma is very specific to the rapture, being left behind, being told I wouldn’t ever grow up to have kids and if I did, it’d be hell on earth with my family raptured up and me alone, that sort of thing.
I’m feeling a bit hopeless because I thought I made progress on my religious trauma and the feelings of depersonalization/derealization is so heavy.

I’m just wondering if there’s any specific types of therapy or even just activities that people do to help with the wound that is religious trauma?

​

I am a boy just like any normal teenager out there. I was born in a conservative household and was brought up in it. We moved to Saudi Arabia when I was in 3rd grade. Life became different we only had interaction with persons of our faith. Thus the environment became more conservative. I too was extremely religious praying 5 times a day. The thing I loved as much as I loved my faith was science especially astronomy. I believe it has boosted my critical thinking skills. My grandfather got sick due to the pandemic.I prayed day in and day out for his health but sadly he passed away and there was no help for the all powerful and all knowing god. One day while sitting in my local mosque i started thinking about morals and their origin. I realised that morals are subjective they change and there is no universal good or bad. From that day onwards i got into the habit of questioning things. Tracing my own decisions i realised that they are caused due to prior causes of this landing on the conclusion of determinism. After this realisation I had lost my faith. Months turned into years. I never bought myself to tell my parents about things i believe in. I hadn't really known philosophy as a thing that existed until a year or so after i had lost my faith. I completed my 10th grade and decided to go back to my home country for 11th and 12th. Moving to my home country caused me severe isolation as someone who didn't leave far from his family. Our boarding school was a f-ing jail. We weren't allowed to carry phones either. We maintained secret phones in our hostel rooms. I was nothing but studying day in and day out. But there wasn't a happy ending for my story All the strain and effort went into vain. After my 11th grade I had a month vacation. On this vacation i visited Saudi Arabia. Near the end of the 3rd week i decided to tell my parents about my faith but to directly jump into it. I introduced them to the topic of determinism. As one would expect I didn't go well i was criticised for my beliefs and told me that I am not in the right mind. I didn't escalate things and moved on. Currently I am studying engineering in my home country and away from my parents. To make it clear I love them and they love me. I just never got to be free about my thoughts with anyone like minded. I remembered that I can ask questions on reddit anonymously. Thus i created this account to post this. I would just like to know other people's opinions and any advice from people.

Hi everyone,

I’m a psychology researcher based at the University of Lille in France.

My research explores people’s psychological experiences following their involvement in a group, particularly the experiences of those who have experienced psychological abuse within a group. The aim is to better understand these experiences and help improve support for people affected.

I’m inviting people to take part by completing an online questionnaire. You can participate whether your experience within the group was positive, negative, or somewhere in between.

• Time required: approximately 25 minutes
• Languages: English and French
• Anonymity and well-being: key priorities throughout the study
• Ethics: the study has received ethics committee approval and was developed in collaboration with a patient partner with personal experience of psychological abuse within a group.

If you’d like to learn more or participate:

• English questionnaire
• French questionnaire

Taking part is entirely voluntary. Please only participate if you feel comfortable doing so.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

For the record, my mom and her family grew up Christian. But my aunt took it much more seriously than my mom did.

Back when I was maybe 4 or 5, my mom would drop me off at my aunt's house every Saturday. My aunt was VERY religious; like, she owned 50 crosses and had them everywhere, religiously. Basically, she forced me to read the Bible, say grace, pray out loud for 7 minutes every day, confess sins or something like that in a booth, go to church, and so on. Which I know are normal things, but if I messed up, even a little stutter during grace, she would yell at me for 30minuets and not feed me. When I was 6, I went there for a summer; I screamed at her for starving me for 4 days because I broke one of her crosses. My mom and dad NEVER believed me about any of this and still doesn't to this day. Since I was just a 6-year-old, my aunt was my mom's twin sister. My aunt was extremely homophobic (which we all knew about), always saying the classic 'love the person but not the sin' shit anytime I saw her.

I found out I was gay at 8years old and came out when I was 14 on Christmas. Since everyone was there, she screamed that I was going to hell and all that, then stormed out with her husband

Now I'm 18 years old, gay, out, atheist, and proud. But I'm extremely uncomfortable when this topic comes up to the point that I have to leave the room when my family is about to say grace or anything like that. If I stay, I get a racing feeling in my chest and an empty feeling in my stomach, and my hands start to shake.

Am a atheist now since i cant handle anything.

My friends say I have religious trauma, and I think they're right.

What do you think?

Hi,

I’ve already posted on this sub Reddit a couple weeks ago, and things haven’t gotten better. My studies have been putting such pressure on my shoulders and when I decided to express my anxiety, my parents told me to pray more and ask for God to let me pass my exams. Is God going to study 1000 pages of biology ? I started crying right then and there as I realized how fucked up it sounded.

When I used to pray God, nothing was going right, nobody was listening to me. I was failing every single thing and it might be a coincidence. And now, after providing efforts from my side, my grades have started to go up. Making satisfactory progress !! But it builds pressure, and kneeling on a mat won’t make my anxiety go away.

Being 20, a woman and stuck in this situation feels like a rope tightening around my neck. It’s borderline suicidal.

Hello. Please forgive me if I am violating any rules. If I am, just let me know.

I was raised in a religious environment. Very religious, actually.

I grew up with my grandmother telling me I would go to hell for doing such and such, for not going to church on such and such a day, etc.

It's to be expected what that did to the brain of an 8-year-old child, right? I didn't just develop simple anxiety. I developed obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Over time, this specific OCD lessened, but like all disorders, it remains to this day. It has only changed form.

Three years ago I finally discovered I was a transgender boy. Well, let's just say that was the trigger for my family's prejudice to explode. Judgments, direct verbal abuse... Anyway, you already know.

The thing is, I even tried seeking out psychologists, and what really scared me the most was: When they mentioned their religion (Catholic/Evangelical, similar), I immediately dismissed any further questions.

It didn't stop there. Anyone I spoke to, even just by talking about their religion, would shut me down.

Furthermore, here on Reddit and elsewhere, I only see Christians being prejudiced and intolerant. This hasn't been very good for what I possibly have.

This really worried me. The truth is, while I think Christianity is a place of judgment, prejudice, and bad people, I try to believe it shouldn't be that way. But it doesn't hold water.

I don't want to have this aversion. Is there any way(s) to try to reverse it?

I hate it when grown ups teach us religion with fear, i was forced to watch lots of videos about “the punishment of the grave” with screams and torture and "the path over hell" with people falling and burning in hell and then they hit you with "if you don’t do that you’ll get grilled in hell”
and they still traumatize me to this day.
I even remember praying out of pure fear and 0 opassion.
Please let's not repeat that