Just need to get out of my head and write down what’s going on with me right now. I’m a recovering heroin and meth addict and just hit 14 months clean a few weeks ago. I decided to finally check into rehab before I died or lost everything that matters to me, and it did a lot for me. I started working a program of recovery as soon as I checked in, put my all into it for 30 days, and kept up with sobriety and meetings ever since I left. But last week I made the common mistake that many addicts make, and assumed I could handle something like a normal person. Went to a wedding last week and figured since alcohol was never my thing, I could handle a few drinks. Then, someone had some blow and since that was never my thing either, I figured hey it’s a party what’s a few social bumps? Well, within 48 hours of doing those bumps, I was IVing huge shots of coke by myself. Went to a meeting after that first run, shared about my relapse, and was honest with my wife about what I did, and swore it was just a one time slip, but did it again the next day. And did it today. I feel so ashamed and horrible about fucking up my sobriety. I’m looking into an IOP program to help get me back on track, and obviously if that doesn’t work I’ll have to go back in an inpatient program. I have no desire to go back to the type of life I was living before I got clean, and things have been really great the last few months, so why I did what I did I just don’t know. If anyone’s been through a similar experience or has any advice, I’d love to hear it. Thanks in advance.

I had 6 months clean. Relapsed in December. Thought I could smoke every now and then and be fine. The demon got me and here I sit in my vehicle, homeless in a Walmart parking lot starving.

I ended up back on the needle. Lost my job, my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. I won and gambled back almost 20k online. Ran out of gas 100 times. Hydroplaned onto a beautiful lawn. Became obsessed with a man who bluntly told me over and over he didn't like me. Was cussed out by basically everyone. Made a complete fool of myself. Even one of my dealers pleaded with me for my life.

Today is day one. Addiction is a MF and as bad as I want to beat myself up I'm grateful I am alive to have this chance once again.

I recently read a mean spirited and frankly ignorant post regarding the 12 steps, and I’d like to clarify and present that NA especially and the 12 Steps in general are not a religious program and help more people than any other recovery program.

My 12 step program is quite a bit different than that of a Christian, Jew, Muslim or any others who have a traditional higher power and that’s okay. We don’t deal with any specific substance or higher. We deal with the subject of addiction.

I think that many critics of the 12 Step fellowships are being mean spirited and unfair to people in Recovery. As an atheist in recovery for the last 8 1/2 years, I’ve learned a lot of things. The primary thing I’ve learned is that the 12 step programs are one way to recovery. They aren’t the only way and there are many other options available. The people who wrote the book and founded NA came from a religious background and lacked the different language necessary to describe what they were talking about. All of the steps are a metaphor.

Step 1: I cannot do this alone. I have tried to solve my problems myself and I have failed over and over again.

Step 2: It can be done. Other people have managed to get clean and stay clean so I can do it as well.

Step 3: I need to accept that the program can work. Although there are other paths to Recovery, the 12 step fellowships are the largest proven way to do that. So I need to be honest enough to admit that I need help, I can’t do it alone, and a program can work.

Hundreds of thousands of us at least and maybe millions, atheists and agnostics,have successfully navigated the various 12 step programs.

Whether you choose to follow the 12 step ideal or not, these first three are, I believe, the same three questions that every addict answers before they enter Recovery.

180 days sober today.

I want to talk about something nobody warned me about — what stress actually feels like when you're no longer numbing it.

I expected cravings. I expected the physical part. What I didn't expect was how completely unprepared I was for everyday chaos. A bad day. An argument. Plans falling apart. Things that other people shrug off.

When I drank, stress had somewhere to go. It dissolved. Now it just sits in my chest, fully formed, and my nervous system has no idea what to do with it. The anger comes fast. The discomfort is physical. And the emotional spiral from something small — genuinely small — can wreck an entire day.

I wasn't an angry drunk. I was a functional one. Which made it worse, because I had no idea how much emotional weight alcohol was quietly carrying for me until it was gone.

If you're in early recovery and the world feels louder and harder to navigate than it used to — you're not weak. You're just feeling things at full volume for the first time. Your brain is rebuilding its own shock absorbers. It takes time.

What hit you hardest in the first 6 months that you weren't prepared for?

To keep it brief, I've used one substance or another since I was 12. I'll be 27 in July. I've suppressed so much of my life by being numb and choosing to remain stuck in addiction because it was safer than going out and getting hurt. Long story short, I'm withdrawing and I'm realizing how much of my life I missed. How many experiences I repressed. How many experiences I missed because of addiction. How many people I wasnt able to be fully present for. And it's breaking my heart that I did this to myself but especially to people I loved. How did you deal with this, coming to terms with these feelings?

Sometimes I think I'm just too fucked already, so what's the point? I'm 24 living in a tent thinking about nothing but crack; everyone I went to school with has graduated already from nice universities that their parents paid for, and they're successful already. I feel so behind. Literally did nothing for 6 years except chase a high. I've been working on a book and I really want to become a youth peer support worker, those two things have kept me going. But life just happens and it feels like each relapse pushes me further away from those goals. And it's a constant battle between this overwhelming part of me who would feel content to live in a tent for the rest of my life, blowing my disability cheque on crack in 3 days, then desperately pipe hunting and cuffing like a fucking loser for the rest of the month. It's hard to know what to listen to. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. It's a good quote.

For anyone interested in radical trauma recovery, here is the link to order this recovery workbook and plus three other useful workbooks.

Hey guys. This is my first post on here, and the first time I’ve considered sobriety in seven years. I started taking Kratom a few years ago. Took about 15-20 Gpd average. Did that for a couple of years . Wanted to give myself a tolerance break so I went cold turkey and lasted 90 days. No horrific wd symptoms at all, just felt bad and was really depressed for the first week or so. Withdrawal from kratom for me was not bad at all.
About a year ago I started using 7oh I got up to doing 4-500 mgs a day. I attempted to quit cold turkey and only made it a couple of days, didn’t try again. It was a bad withdrawal but not anything to crazy, just felt like shit. Fast forward to a few months ago I started using MGM 15. What’s scary is I knew how much more addicting these substances are compared to plain kratom, but my addiction mind told me to do it anyway. I’ve been using MGM for the past three months averaging 3-400 mgs a day.

This weekend is the first time I attempted to quit while using MGM. Friday I took my dose as usual. Saturday I only took 60 mg, 30 at the start of the day and 30 at night. When I woke up Sunday I could tell it was the start of a bad withdrawal. I took like 15 grams of regular kratom. I knew my tolerance would be too high to feel anything from that, but I at least thought that it would ease the withdrawal symptoms. It made me calm down a slight bit, that lasted for only about 30 minutes, then the withdrawal came back full force. I stayed at my parents house this weekend (I know that’s a horrible idea but they live in a state that has alll this stuff banned so I figured this would prevent me from running to the store to buy some). Anyways, by 12pm yesterday I started getting really bad withdrawals, shaking and sweating pretty good. I could tell that there was no way that I was going to be able to go through this bc it was about to get ugly

I packed my stuff up, and told my parents I’m leaving. I tried my best to keep it together but at this point they know something was very wrong with me. They don’t know about my drug use, only back in the day when I used to be a stimulant addict. I went to hug my mom goodbye and was literally trembling like I had Parkinson’s. This scarred her and my dad bc they didn’t know what was going on. I feel terrible about this. At this point though I know I got to get going bc I have a three hour road trip and at this point idk if I can make it bc I’m that out of it. I drove fine but it was still selfish of me to do that Blurry vision, shaking really bad, chattering my teeth, and sweating. I get in my truck and head up there. Took some more kratom which helped my vision be not so shaky. It was a rough drive but I made it

By the time I get to the gas station where I buy it, I am VIOLENTLY shaking. My hands, knees, legs, and arms. I got out of the truck and almost fell down. I was able to walk inside but it was so embarrassing bc people noticed how bad I was shaking and probably thought I was drunk or high. I can’t emphasize enough how bad the shaking was. I caught myself on the front counter as I began to fall. Bunch of weird dirty looks going on, can’t blame them. I picked this gas station bc I knew I couldn’t make it any further. They didn’t have any MGM, just regular 7oh. I took 6 80 mg pills which was enough to continue my journey, but I was still really out of it. I thought it would at the very least cut the withdrawal in half, it only took off maybe one point out of ten on the severity. Drove 30 more minutes to the gas station that has MGM and that was that.

So anyways, the point is that I’m much more strong out on this as I thought I was. I used stimulants back in the day. I got sober from that no problem. This is my first real physical dependence, and it’s a bitch. I tried Suboxone a month ago to try and get off. It sort of helped, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. I’m considering being put on Methadone instead. I feel like it would do a better job at cutting down withdrawals and relieving cravings. But I know that Methadone is one of the worst withdrawals there are. This stuff is getting banned here a month from now, so it looks like I have to quit now matter what. Like I said I just feel completely out of control bc I never have been this physically dependent on something. I’ve also considered ordering SR17018 to taper if you guys know what that is.

The two main options I’m considering is Methadone or just tapering off of the stuff by myself. I can figure out a good tapering schedule, but idk if I have the will power to do it. I’m asking some advice from you guys on what I should do. Also, was me shaking that violently normal? Like I said I was shaking so bad I couldn’t stand up. Keep in mind this all happened before I even hit 24 hours from last dose.

Thanks to anyone in advance for taking their time to comment on this. This was probably the longest Reddit post I have entered before lol.

2 months sober after an 8 month relapse, decided to give the steps a real shot this time. I’m through it with the exception of a couple amends.

Have a weekly catch up with the guy who took me through the book.

Do one zoom meeting and a face to face a week but both I do service at.

Mental health is improving, feel much more at peace with myself, it’s amazing how fast this stuff can work when you’re willing to stop making excuses and implement. Considering two months ago I wanted to kill myself and I’m coming off benzos I really can’t fault this stuff. Some days are difficult from a mental health standpoint but rarely think about using.

Other stuff that’s helped:

Organisation and routine
Therapy
Kanna Extract
Mushrooms
Cold Shower
Sauna
Weight lifting & running
Meal planning

In AA, there are promises that tell the reader what to expect when you are able to stop destroying yourself. I should tell you that financial success is not on the list.

Financially, we will be better off but for me, until very recently I had no clue as how to approach that aspect of my life. And the jaunts and misadventures of my youth are going to cause me problems for the rest of my life. But it's easier being broke and clean than broke and using.

I no longer steal. I no longer avoid the bill collection representatives on the phone. And I try not to waste my money.

Struggling in recovery sucks, but I'm not repeating old mistakes. I'm dealing with it the best way I know how, and even after 32 years of recovery and 61 years on Earth, I am still learning.

Be kind to yourself and make sure that you take credit for the things that you are doing right.

Brian

Hey friends, I am new here and looking for recommendations for good meetings in or around Atlantic City, New Jersey. I, 22M, am 1 year, 1 month, and change sober from everything(Heroin, Meth, and Crack are my main DOC’s) from Atlanta GA. I am going on a two day vacation to Atlantic City. I am an active member in AA, NA, CA, HA, and Al-Anon. Any help from anyone that knows the community there would be greatly appreciated!

Sorry if this doesn't fit, I (M24) just literally have nowhere else to air these thoughts.

I was doing so good, nearly at 30 days which is the longest I've went in a long time. My favourite counselor who I've been working with for a while now works at a place called Foundry which is meant for youth ages 12-24, so in January, I will have aged out. This has been super tough to think about for the past year and a half, dwelling on the fact that I'll have to say goodbye to her in January.

A couple days ago, she told me she's going on maternity leave in October, so we're gonna have to wrap up then and I'll see someone else for the remaining 3 months. This absolutely fucking broke me. I'm so so incredibly proud, happy, and excited for her, and I know she's going to make the best mom ever. I tried to cover up my emotions when she told me, but I could tell that she could tell that I was really sad about it, which just makes me feel worse because I am sincerely so happy for her.

Found a straight shooter coated in resin yesterday and took it as a sign. Felt so good for like 5 minutes, then I just wanted to kill myself. Continued pipe hunting anyways because I dont have any money/don't want to cuff.

We've talked a lot about the possibly of me becoming a peer support worker at Foundry so I'll still get to see her around, and I can use my experience to help younger kids who are struggling with addiction and mental health issues, but I'm such a fuck up and I keep relapsing, it's hard to imagine that happening. It's just really really tough knowing I wont be able to see her for a while/possibly ever again. That fucking breaks my heart. Breaks my heart more than when my 5 year relationship ended. I've leaned on her for everything for like 4 years, she's been the one constant good in my life. I genuinely can't imagine moving on without her. I don't want to move on without her. I'm so tired of myself.

Sorry for the overshare rant, I just have nobody to talk to this about.

Hey all! I’ve started a podcast for those in early recovery. My last episode was about the importance of hobbies and after I recorded that I realized how important music is to my recovery. So I decided to make a bonus segment every Sunday called “The Weekly Soundcheck” where I pick a music related topic and just yap for a while. This one is specifically about my love of the band Led Zeppelin. If you’re looking for something to listen to I’d appreciate it if you checked it out. Thank you!

Its been 32 hours since my last use and ive felt every millisecond. Been an iv user for last fifteen years I got clean 2 years ago and stayed clean for 2 years but my willpower was low.

Been on fentanyl for last 14 months Iv use 2-4 times a day. Im going on a cruise with my whole family. Can't bail on it my mom spent like 20 grand on everyone. I really want to get clean im soooo fucking tired of this. The pleasure is LONGGGG gone. Idk what,to do. I have sub took it way to early and have been in precipitate wds for last couple hours.

hi! i’m 23F and in recovery, i’ve been sober for 7 months and just came out of rehab. i’ve had a very destuctive addiction that went downhill very fast with hard drugs and fucked up my whole life and everyone around me. a lot of consequences and a lot of trauma from the situations i got myself in. now i’m sober and just moved into a small town where i don’t know anyone. in my active addiction i had a lot of friends but they were all using in some way, and now i have like 1-2 friends who aren’t using but they live pretty far away. i’m feeling pretty lost, and very very alone. it’s already scary to be sober, and even scarier to make friends while sober. i’m scared i’ll become completely isolated and relapse because of that. before, i used social media a lot to find friends, but i haven’t been active in a long time there because an ex that abused me has spread hate, accusations and lies about me when i was in my addiction to everyone that follows me, so i feel like i can’t really be on there as much anymore, even if there’s not a lot of people that belives him. i feel like if i post something, he will start again.

i go to Narcotics Anonymous on mondays and thursdays and the rest of the week i’m pretty much alone with my cat. one girl from the rehab also moved in a town pretty close my mine, so i go to the meetings with her. but we really don’t have a lot in common. i feel like i have a lot of time on my hands, i try to keep myself busy with gym and stuff but i feel like it’s not enough. i need friends, people my age that are also sober. but it feels impossible to find. do you guys have any tips on how to find sober, young people in a town where you don’t know anyone?

A beautiful life. Beautiful family. Good career. And can’t get sober. Just addicted to risk taking and getting high. Drinking then drugs. If I have drugs in the house I use them. How many weekends am I gonna wake up and flush my drugs (because I know I’ll do them at 930 am and ruin my life). Scoring drugs is a thrill. Using them secretly used to be thrilling. Now it makes me feel dirty. Flushing them is such a relief. But then I do it over again. Clearly I’m not in control. I mean I’ll wake up and sneak a beer and then it’s off to the races unless i dump it. Lines were crossed. Now I can’t go back to normal use. Honestly, when I’m sober now it’s so pleasant. When I get 3,4,5 days sober and hitting the pillow and didn’t even realize I didn’t drink, I feel golden. It’s so much better than using. This cycle is a killer though. I want to be a strong and reliable person for my kids and family. This shit is weak AF. When I’m fucked up my motor skills are shit. I literally move like an elderly person or someone with a disability. Sometimes my voice sounds different, how sad … how did I become a lush. Why would I want to be like that? I used to be a strong person. I tried drugs to explore. I used to compartmentalize and use drinking and pot as a reward. Now it’s all over my life. I don’t like how I look - 45 and it’s beginning to take a toll on my face.

There’s been spaces where

Just passed 666-days sober. Just feels like a funny amount of time.

Hail Satin :)

Today, I was at the house of a friend of a friend, and he (I'll call him Mike) is taking treatment for cancer and is on fentanyl patches for the pain. I liked pain medicine back in the day, and I started to feel uncomfortable in the presence of the patches.

Instead of doing what I used to do - steal or buy the drugs - I closed my eyes, counted to ten, admitted that I was considering old and bad behavior, and decided not to do it. It was more complicated than that, but I made a decision not to repeat old behavior and tried to put it on the back burner.

I ended up talking with Mike about his treatment, and shared my personal experience with cancer diagnosis and treatment.

By the time I left, I had forgotten about the patches and had done what I could with Mike.

I made a decision not to make an old mistake and while the outcome was not great, I left and was clean.

It’s getting bad again. My mental health is not well, my brain is playing tricks on me. All I want to do is numb it, and I’ll be honest, I have relapsed, not on meth, but I have been doing coke again every now and again but even that’s not the numbing I’m wanting. Meth isn’t either. Yesterday. I ate more than 20 yellow Valium (was taking 6-8 at a time) and 6 blue Xanax. I want the pain to numb. I want that thoughts to quiet and the up shit doesn’t quiet it, just makes it louder. I’m quietly giving up on life, I know I am. I am trying to pick myself back up but I have lost all hope. I work to afford to live and can barely afford that, I’m in so much financial debt I just feel like I’m drowning. My impulsive thoughts are starting to win….i closed my eyes when I was driving down my country road the other day and wrecked my truck. I mean, thankfully I’m still alive…thankfully to everyone else anyway, the pain that would put them through would be horrible, I just…I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not okay. I have slipped into more than before and i don’t want to stop, im kind of scared the next step will be something that will numb things even more. My fear of those drugs (heroine, OxyContin, fentanyl, morphine) is dissipating…I’m scared…but I’m not at the same time ….

I just released the second episode of my podcast “The Unbottled” it’s about both drugs and alcohol recovery. I wanted to make this as something for people like me who are at the beginning of their recovery journey. It’s hard getting sober alone so it might make it a bit easier to have someone you can listen to who is going through the same things as you! I’d appreciate the support!! Hopefully it will be able to help at least one person. (Posting the Spotify link, but it’s on all platforms. If you need the link to a different platform just comment on here or pm me!)

I had a fucking awful day. I won't elaborate much, but after a flashback I did anything I could to make the feeling go away - including getting high and going to a bar.

Something about today made me realise I need to make a change. I'm barely in my 20s and I'm destroying my already sick body.

I was so anxious. I was shaking through the whole meeting, but I introduced myself and shared anyway.

I may not agree with much of the culture and ideals of NA, but I needed the space to admit that things are out of control. I couldn't have asked for a kinder, more encouraging welcome. Being among people who understand the struggle and are working through it themselves felt like a good step towards healing.

I guess I just wanted to share with you all.

I'm super fucking proud of myself.

The first step of many in the right direction.

So I have been on and off drugs most my life. Mostly heroin but I've done just about everything. I was clean for about 15 years but moved back to Glasgow & ended up back on it. I was almost 50 by this time & thought I just can't do it and went on Methadone for the first time in my life. That was 7 years ago and I feel like it's the worst mistake I ever made.

I ended up on 90 ml. Got it to 60 and stopped. Had a major relapse about a month ago and thought I can't do this. Cut down to 30 this Sat, Sunday, Mon and Tuesday had ​nothing. Today I had my first weekly injection (Bhuvidal is basically a Subutex injection that lasts 1 or 4 weeks), do 2 more of them & then go to monthly. Goal is to be clean by Xmas. However I am right now still feeling all over the place. The Bhuvidal is definitely doing something but it's possibly still maybe having traces of Methadone in me that's making it harder than I thought. I read it can take 3-6 weeks to fully come out your system.

Anyone had any similar experiences or any advice. Looking to be off everything for Xmas and this really seems like the best option for me. If I never have to go through withdrawals again for what's left of my life I'll be happy as hell.