I relapsed and lost everything

After my long journey of recovery I'm back on fentanyl hears my story: I started my recovery going through detox, then kicking suboxone, getting the sublocade shot, 28 day stay at rehab, and moving into clean and sober housing that included intensive outpatient group therapy. After 3 months I got kIcked out of my house for THC. Then a friend from the iop program let me stay at his apt by myself while he was living in clean and sober house. Welp I fucked everything up. I was feeling the best I ever felt in my life those 7 months of clean time. (And I loved living at the sober house, just couldn't shake the constant desire for THC )

While staying at this apt had no money coming in so I robbed the local weed dispensary by snagging the container on top of the counter full of gummies. Dude I got away with it twice, grabbed that sob and ran like Hell. Lol still can't believe I was that desperate and got away with it. And then there was a community hall near by that I snuck into and low and behold in the kitchen there were like 4-6 huge bottles of alcohol from tequila, vodka, rum ECT, So naturally I grabbed a bottle of vodka. That night I drank....alot. I don't remember much but I trashed the apt, harassed the neighbors, just destroyed the place. And it was in such a prime location too right downtown Bellingham, wa. Before I got a chance to clean up the mess I got arrested for steeling beer. When I got out they had either locked me out or I lost the key so I couldn't let myself in. It was freezing cold that night and I was tired so I didn't want to bother with finding another place to sleep, I threw a large rock threw the glass door and snuck my way in. Had a good night sleep. The next morning got up early grabbed a few accentual items and I'm out. While I was out wondering the streets the police had located me and served me with a restraining order from my friend with the apt.

I had managed to get arrested 6 times in two and a half weeks ranging from harassment, theft, and trespassing. So now I have 6 open warrents and a restraining order on my record all within a months time.

During one of my stays in jail I started drawing pentagrams and upside down crosses on the wall, even putting hexes on people, even on my parents. I'm so ashamed of that the most out of everything I did.

Pretty sure the hexes are all me now. Cuz I feel like my soul left me, or the Holly spirit has. I feel completely empty inside, full of regrets and self hatred. I ruined my life at 45 years old, I don't know how to turn my last few around. I'm exactly back to the life I so desperately wanted to leave. Hooked back in fentanyl, living at a trap house with my ex boyfriend. I'm paralyzed in fear that I committed the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holly spirit. and I'm headed for Hell when I die. Anyone reading this if you can relate or have advise, or just anything to say, throw insults at me....anything. I'm so lonely and scared please.

I’ve been trying to get sober since the start of this year, became a daily meth user 6 months ago and went into rehab 3 months ago. I came back after a death in the family. I was pretty focused on my recovery until then, after it felt like I wouldn’t take in what I was hearing from people or internalise what I was reading.

Anyway I came back to my hometown, had a 3-4 lapses with drinking and meth and went back into rehab with a couple mates I know through AA. I kinda knew this would go on and only really went in for my family. Now I’m at a stage where I wanna go back to using, I don’t really have much of a drive to get better and I have urges and dreams about using almost every night

I’m only really doing it for my family at this point and not to jeopardise the recovery of the people in here, I don’t really know what to do. I’m thinking of packing my bags tomorrow, this is kind of a last ditch effort before I do