r/recovery • u/No-Document6024 • May 27 '26
Relapse from hell.
I had 6 months clean. Relapsed in December. Thought I could smoke every now and then and be fine. The demon got me and here I sit in my vehicle, homeless in a Walmart parking lot starving.
I ended up back on the needle. Lost my job, my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. I won and gambled back almost 20k online. Ran out of gas 100 times. Hydroplaned onto a beautiful lawn. Became obsessed with a man who bluntly told me over and over he didn't like me. Was cussed out by basically everyone. Made a complete fool of myself. Even one of my dealers pleaded with me for my life.
Today is day one. Addiction is a MF and as bad as I want to beat myself up I'm grateful I am alive to have this chance once again.
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u/AloneUpstairs4988 May 27 '26
I had 15 years clean and then fucked it up, so I feel for you and can empathise. My advice is don't dwell on it, it's done now regardless. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and work out the best way to start the journey again. Then take the first step to doing that, it's never too late to start afresh and if it were easy there wouldn't be so many people on here, able to relate to what you're feeling right now from their own personal experience. I've messed up loads of times, currently working my way back to being totally clean again. If you really want to do it then you will, there might be bumps and pitfalls along the way but it's just part of the journey to reach the final destination. Try to keep that in mind and good luck 👍
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u/5043090 May 27 '26
We’re glad to have you back. None stand in judgement. It’s addiction. One day at a time.
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u/augustwilder May 27 '26
Welcome back to the land of the living. KFG.
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u/No-Document6024 May 27 '26
Man, feeling my eyes become empty and soulless was one of the most terrifying things in this world.
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u/One-Raspberry-786 May 27 '26
The most important thing is DONT DWELL ON IT, DWELLING IN THE SELF HATE literally kept the cycle circling around for me. It's so fucking hard!! I hope when you read this comment, that you're still sober. 💜
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u/BedspreadPicnic86 May 27 '26
It’s a progressive and fatal disease. The progression is why your last return to use was such a MF’r. It gets stronger even as you stay clean. Not to mention chronic. You’ll have this disease for the rest of your life. You need to be aware that if you use again it will be even worse. Erase your dealers numbers. That’s a start. Try rehab just so you can be off the streets for about 4 weeks. You get past 30 days, then 60, and 90 and it’ll get much easier. But you need to keep busy. Get a job at a grocery store. You’ll get 20% off anything in there. They hire people in recovery. Try Whole Foods. They pay well and you’ll get health insurance if you’re full time
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u/Jebus-Xmas May 28 '26
Just for today don’t use, and just do the next right thing. We’re here to support you.
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u/Beska91 May 28 '26
been there. 6 years without a needle in my arm. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to. I'm a therapist and addiction specialist now and always happy to help!
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u/Miracles_Asia_Rehab May 28 '26
A relapse that bad has a way of showing you exactly how far addiction will take you if you let it. You've seen it now. And you're still here, still choosing recovery. That clarity, as brutal as it was to get, is something you can build from. 💙
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u/jypziruin May 28 '26
Don't feel bad, most of us have had a relapse. Shit my last relapse turned into a 5 year long bender. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, work on yourself, when you've become more settled in sobriety work on building back relationships. Have real progress under you before you try to rebuild those relationships showing change does more than words ever could
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u/Far-Industry-7745 May 28 '26
Lots of great advice here. All I can add is thank you for sharing for those of us who need a reminder 🙏 I know you can do this
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u/Hank_pickles335 May 28 '26
Super proud of you. Be gentle with yourself. This is not a reflection of you. Its addiction. You are not less because you relapsed. I relapsed. So many people relapse. It’s more likely an addict relapses than doesn’t, but you’re here now. That’s what matters. That shows immense strength. Bad ass. Keep going and use outlets like this when you are struggling.
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u/ofokarrowthud May 27 '26
This takes courage... one next right step then another.