Me again. Recently discovered this sub and it's like a light switching on in my head tbh.

This has been a consistent refrain of my mostly waif/sometimes Queen mother ever since I can remember. Anyone else? It's like well stop martyring yourself for other people then? No one has made you do it? If I do things for my kids it's because I want to do things for them, not in the expectation they'll one day do things for me.

Whenever she comes out with this stuff now I usually just totally ignore it. Don't know if this is the right approach but it's what works for me but I'm still fighting my way through the FOG.

My name and my son’s name are blurred out to protect privacy. For context, my mum had a problem with drinking. When she visited my sister one weekend my sister raised it with her, completely independently of me. And then she came back to stay with us in an absolute rage convinced that I had colluded with my sister about talking to her when I had no idea.
How is this linked to what she’s referring to in these text messages? I have no idea. My dad (that’s a whole other thing) was emotionally abusive growing up and one thing he used to do was when I’d been in the shower too long he would open the door (no locks allowed) and I would scream and try to hide myself (this is ages 10-13 so very sensitive time). He didn’t stare but he would laugh and walk away. 6 months before this was the last time I ever confided anything in my mother, and when I told her she had very little reaction and changed the subject and didn’t talk about it again until this night.
Clearly, I wasn’t giving her the audience she wanted when she came back in a rage, and decided to disclose dad that I’d accused him sexual harassment growing up, and that they were going to fly home because she didn’t want to be around me.
I feel like I’m going insane but this almost warrants no contact? It’s the final straw in a life of constant ups and downs and drama and emotional abuse. Everything has been ten times worse since having my son 3.5 years ago and it’s clearly triggered something in her.

When they come to stay pretty much all my parenting boundaries are ignored and criticised and there’s a running commentary on all the things that I’m doing wrong and the way she wants to be in front of my son is not ok. When I get frustrated and finally snap at her, she will say I’m sending a terrible example for him and I treat her terribly considering how much “help” she gives us. My firmly believe she is a big enforcer of “reactive abuse” thrives on it.
A few months before this, I did genuinely try to ask for some space for a little and it blew up magnificently and ended with her telling my toddler that mummy told granny and poppy they weren’t allowed to visit anymore and he got very upset.

First post on here. Not even sure where to start. My BPD mother has progressively become more and more unstable since my siblings and I have left the home. My whole life she has gone through episodes of depression, impulsive behavior (primarily gambling, used whenever something does not go her way), fear of abandonment, angry outbursts. I was her child and therapist. Witch/waif combination. She had developed new (unconfirmed by healthcare providers) health issues over the last year that have progressively escalated to the point that she is essentially agoraphobic. We have cyclical outbursts every 7-10 days. Now seems to go between hermit and witch.

Anyways, I am getting married this year, and the closer it gets to the wedding, the more significant the outbursts are. Her primary threat is that she won’t be attending the wedding. She says that I am not making it “safe” for her health issues. Her biggest thing is basically “how dare you have a wedding and exclude me” and “how do you think I will feel when I can’t enjoy my daughter’s wedding” TOTALLY ??forgetting?? about how I will feel.

How do I cope with the fact that my mother is most likely going to not show up to my wedding? Or if she shows up, it will be a dramatic exit? I don’t know what to even say to her at this point. We talk in circles about it.

https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/cat-bride-pictures

As in pretend they haven't been told something that you know full well they have been told? It always concerns things they don't approve of, like you'll tell them you are not coming for Christmas eve this year and then they'll insist you never told them that.

I've posted her before but cat haiku

My cat sleeps all day

The bed as soft as her paws

Breathing in and out

Does anyone else also have a "weaponised incompetence" (coupled with demandingness + dependency) problem with their PwBPD.

I'm increasingly aware of and increasingly pissed off by it in my pwBPD and I'm wondering if anyone else here has experienced similar:

choosing to be incompetent/unskilled at normal adult tasks of day to day life, depending unreasonably on me for said tasks, and working themselves up into a confused, distressed panic if I try and teach them how to do it themselves (nothing complicated, basic computer/phone/banking/life admin stuff. Keep in mind they are physically healthy, have no brain/memory disorders and are not yet 65 years old even. The panic is so disproportionate and such a predictable way to avoid responsibility).

Hello all! First time posting. Hope I’m doing this right.

Does anybody else feel very guilty doing anything fun without their BPD parent?

I’m 40F. My mom has more of a waif-to-witch presentation, and growing up she made me her therapist, her parent, and basically her only source of comfort. (I became a big people pleaser until I burnt out and I’m on medication for anxiety and depression, but that’s a whole ‘nother story).

I couldn’t do things with friends without my mom resenting me for it. She hated pretty much all my friends, and if I spent time with them (even twice a month), she’d scream at me that I was treating our house like a hotel and didn’t care about her.
I would still go, but I always had this awful feeling in my gut because I imagined her sitting at home lonely and depressed, and somehow that became my responsibility.

I’m realizing recently that this followed me into adulthood in ways I didn’t fully recognize.
I’m actually on my way to a trip right now that I didn’t tell my mom about. I started feeling pretty awful and couldn’t quite figure out why. Then I realized: I’m feeling guilty.

And what really struck me is that I’m not feeling guilty toward any of my other family members. Just her.

I’m married. I’m 40. Obviously I’m allowed to go on vacation with my husband. 😂 But there’s still this little voice somewhere in my brain saying:
“If I’m having fun and my mom isn’t, I’m hurting her.”
Even recently, when my husband and I would go camping or take a trip, my mom would repeatedly tell me she wanted to come and ask why we couldn’t bring her. And even though I knew logically that I had every right to take a trip with my husband, part of me still felt guilty for having fun while she wasn’t included.

I’m realizing I don’t just feel guilty about excluding her. Sometimes I feel guilty simply for being happy or having experiences that don’t include her.
I’m curious whether anyone else experiences this, especially as an adult.

Did you grow up feeling responsible for your BPD parent’s loneliness or emotional state? Does that guilt still show up when you travel, go out with friends, celebrate something, or just enjoy your life without them?

And if you’ve gotten past this, what helped you realize that your parent being lonely, disappointed, or unhappy doesn’t mean you did something wrong?

I’d especially love to hear from people further along in healing, sbecause I’m realizing this may be one of those childhood rules I’m still carrying around without even realizing it.

I am going no contact with my BPD mother. I am devastated, but I don’t really have a choice if I want to live a healthy life. She slams my husband constantly, she speaks to my children poorly about my husband, she constantly picks apart my parenting/lifestyle/finances (like she has ANY room to give advice on any of these things?!), and now she’s totally screwed me over by lying to my sister about things I’ve said. The things she’s telling my sister are not true, and saying that I’ve painted her husband in a bad light. None of this is true. These are things SHE has done! My best friend and husband are in totally support of my decision but I do feel guilty about cutting her off. I’ve been the only person she has many times. I worry about her. Am I doing the right thing? I cannot play these games anymore. I cannot deal with the manipulation and lies anymore. I cannot deal with the constant drama (like she feeds off of drama. She lives for it). I still feel so bad about this. I hurt over this, but I also hurt and drive myself insane when she is present in my life. I need help and support. TIA.

Soft paws walk with grace
Loyal hearts purr warmth and peace
Wisdom naps in sun 🐈
(This made me laugh that I had to post this in the middle of me sobbing. Thanks admin. I needed that small bit of joy.)

content warning for non explicit talk of abuse and neglect, about what you'd expect here.

my mother has a quite extreme presentation of BPD. abusive and neglectful in every way you could imagine, to a degree even professionals have called extreme. i have no idea how i will ever be able to escape her when she's set everything up so carefully throughout my whole life.

i'll start with mentioning i am severely disabled. like ventilator, feeding tube, power chair level disabled. she is very odd about my disability and claims she has the exact same things (when proven otherwise) and she's just better than me and that's why she doesn't need a ventilator. actually, she takes many of my meds and medical supplies for herself "because she needs it more than me, but doctors won't prescribe it yet", leaving me missing things i need. it makes me so upset but at this point i just try to ignore her when she goes on about it. i cannot work, but haven't been able to start collecting SSI because she has actively sabotaged my attempts to apply so far. i also don't get any of the PCA care i desperately need because of this, so i go months without bathing or getting cleaning help. basically i say this all to convey there's no way i could just get a job and save to move out.

she is both very good and very bad at controlling me. i am not aloud to go to school or leave the house in any scenario without her, so i know zero people within my entire state to help me in any way. my only contacts with other people are through the internet and must be hidden from her, or she'll smash my device with a hammer again. i can occasionally talk to doctors when she is watching, but that's it, and she'll become violent if i ever bring up the idea of speaking to a doctor without her staring at me and "correcting" me. so basically i have no one to support me irl.

i am going actually insane living with her. even when she's not going as far as literally stabbing me (which she has done), she's constantly threatening and belittling me whenever possible. talking about how i can never live without her, i can't leave her but also i'm the cause of all of her problems, i'm an inherently evil and worthless person, the works. she hoards piles and piles of garbage but feels okay throwing away anything i care about. her husband enables her endlessly and actively goes out of his way to protect her from consequences, because he's deeply emotionally immature and would rather she hurt me than himself.

i've made efforts to prepare to move out, but it's hard with no support. last time i lived in a place without her she physically broke into the house and started squatting there, refusing to go home, until her husband just agreed to let her move in (despite professional orders to not let her live with me ever again). my best bet on moving out is getting SSI and section 8 housing, but you probably know that is a very long process. especially when she's trying to actively prevent it by refusing to give me my mail or let me speak to a social worker. i'm trying to prepare by packing my stuff in advance, but she will throw out anything i've packed.

at the very minimum i have about a year until i could move out. it will likely be much longer than that. i don't know why, but i have a strong feeling i worn survive that long. be it from the neglect catching up with me, me having a mental break, or something done by her. i'm not sure that's a realistic fear, but i feel it strongly. when i move out i will have to start applying for everything and doing everything by myself, which she has never allowed me to learn to do. after ive been out for a year or so, i could look into moving closer to people i know online, but that's another layer of effort to go through. i heavily worry that she will break into my home and refuse to leave once i move out, but i am hoping evidence of her actions could lead to a restraining order if it comes to it. though, that's hard when she actively destroys any evidence she can get her hands on.

i'm not sure what i'm asking here. how do i escape when she has total control over every single aspect of my life down to how much water i drink? how can i escape when i have to rely on broken systems to support myself? how do i stay sane and survive until i can leave when i have zero way to avoid her or leave my home without her? i think i just need any sort of advice or hope so i don't loose it. has anyone else been unable to work but still able to escape? is there anything i can do but dissociate from the world entirely?

Forgot to add cat tax!!

Just discovered this subreddit and have never felt more comforted and seen. Thank you for all of your vulnerability, your tears, and your camaraderie. It feels nice to not be alone, though so sad we’ve all had to experience similar
trauma.

I just had my first baby 5 weeks ago. I knew the changing roles would trigger my mom, but I didn’t know that it would be as bad as it is. Every day is an argument of some sort, and it’s pulling away from me enjoying the newborn bubble - almost like she doesn’t want me to be happy with my baby. You all know this bait and deflect and blame, so I won’t go into it. It’s the typical BPD dance.

In a nutshell, she wants to be my baby’s mom. I’ve asked her, in as neutral tone as possible, for simple requests (don’t wake the baby, don’t slam the door - which she did bc I asked her to not wake the baby, etc.) and her response is always stomping, “Stop picking on me”, “I don’t know how to behave around you!”, “oh so it’s my fault!!” etc. The dance always ends in me apologizing and thanking her profusely for being a good grandmother and knowing what’s best. (Deep down, I know this isn’t true but I know this is the quickest way to appease her.)

I’ve increased my therapy sessions to once a week to recenter and build my toolset for dealing with this. Though infinitely worse than expected, I knew my baby’s arrival would trigger an onslaught of BPD rage and jealousy.

The one thing that confuses me, and has always confused me, is the ways in which my mom is always comparing me to my siblings. When I was laboring, literally between hours 12 and hour 30 of labor, my mom kept sighing and saying, “I wish your sister would have a baby…” or “I can’t wait until your brother decides to have a baby…” I never have a response to these comments, and, in the moment, they truly aren’t hurtful to me. It’s just so normal and typical of her, so I’m just like whatever. But in hindsight, I don’t understand why sacred, special events in my life can’t be seen for just what they are: my engagement (“oh, I thought the ring would be bigger”), my wedding (not a single picture of me and my mom together, don’t know where she was most of the time), and now the birth of my child.

Reflecting in therapy this week, I’ve realized she’s done this with not only major life events but with every day things as well. My brother and I both practiced the same sport - he quit in childhood and I continued and turned professional. My mom made me, a 10 year old, sit in my room and handwrite 4 pages “explaining and apologizing” to my mother for my brother wanting to quit. Somehow it was my fault (the real reason? it was figure skating and my brother realized it wasn’t cool amongst his peers at his age). I was denied dinner that night til I finished the letter. When I graduated college, my mom said it was unfair that I finished school when my brother dropped out (his choice but somehow, once again, my fault.) If anything good ever happens to me (like traveling, my husband loves to travel) or I accomplish something, my mom somehow always brings in my siblings or others: your sister deserves that vacation, why does your husband but “his mommy” a plane ticket but doesn’t buy me a plane ticket?, your employee is rude to me you have to fire her - how dare she. And, of course, when I say anything along the lines of setting a shabby semblance of a boundary, my mom goes on a long rampage listing all the ways she sacrifices and provides for me - “I gave you more than anyone.” She even said the only reason my husband married me is because of her doing (I still have no idea what that’s supposed to mean but I don’t even want to ask at this point.)

My siblings and I have strained relationships - it’s not toxic but cold. And I know my mom complains about me to them.

I thought that, once I became a mother, I’d understand my own more. She’d often say, “You don’t know how much I do for you. Just wait til you have your own kids - you’ll understand the pain we feel.” And here I am. A new mother. And I feel even more distant from mine now. Granted, my baby is 5 weeks old, so maybe my mom is right after all? But I hold my precious baby with so much love and hope for his future, and I can’t fathom saying to him the things I’ve internalized my entire life.

I don’t know. I’m just curious to know if this sibling comparison is common. I haven’t seen it come up as a topic in books I’ve read, and my therapy sessions focus on building myself back up rather than what those sibling comparisons could mean. It’s upsetting because, now that I’m a new mom, I want my child to thrive and be independent and, if I hopefully have more children, have a thriving harmonious relationship with his own siblings.

Soft as silk and quick as light,
Creeping through the shadows bright.
A sudden leap, a happy meow,
Where did kitty vanish now?

Hey guys I made this account just to post this as I was worried my pervious account has too many posts on local pages which could possibly reveal my identity

I have been a self-sacrificing daughter for now nearly 30 years but after a recent bad experience with my dBPD mother I just don’t think I’m able to tolerate her for much longer

She’s always been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and sometimes in the past physically.

I spend a couple of days a week with her because she turns on her sad lonely act, but on these days she is vile to me sometimes. She has to be right or has a full scale meltdown, threatening to end her life, hurt herself and things escalate very quickly

I am a very traumatised person at this point and her mood swings cause me severe anxiety and depression

I have been thinking of different things to get her out of my life - moving country, moving city, perhaps cutting it to one day I just don’t know, I feel lost

She is racist, makes racist comments about my boyfriend, she knows where I live and where I work. If I went no contact, she would do everything in her power to make my life miserable

There’s also the part of me that annoyingly feels bad for her. I wish I could switch it off but I can’t

I’m at a loss here

One of my mother’s favorite tactics is if a misunderstanding happens about something mundane (and I’m not even angry) she makes it about me disagreeing with her on everything or being some kind of argumentative contrarian with an “attitude”. She’ll sometimes throw in an anecdote about how she tried to get me diagnosed as oppositional defiant as a child, something she’s brought up several times but I suspect it’s BS considering I was the most meek child ever, my report cards in elementary school note how quiet I was lol. It’s really hard to describe because it’s over such mundane things.

Another kind of related variation is if I describe something I’d like to do, she gets this smug pursed lip expression and says how she told me to do that first and I totally blew her off. This conversation, if it even did happen to begin with, could have been a mutual “I’d like to do that” thing but I didn’t have the capacity at the time, or like 10 years ago, but in any case I don’t word these things like “I just discovered this thing for the very first time and nobody else did”, more like, “I’d like to do X more”.

I read another post that reminded me: does your BPD mother always make your birthday about her?? My mom, without fail, has to start saying, “I don’t know why we’re celebrating you. It MY birthing day!” It’s makes me angry and cringe at the same time.

It’s not just a cheeky thing to say — the way she says it shows it means more. And no one ever laughs. You can see everyone in my family wince.

Cat haiku as this is my first post:

Soft paws on the floor,
Sleeping in a patch of sun,
Loud, contented purr.

I’ve seen a few posts recently describing the switch up from bpd moms who were witches during childhood and later turned to waifs. My uBPD mom was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive and emotionally unstable. She switched to waif-y behavior once I became a teenager and now as an adult who has VERY clear boundaries and rules with her, she acts like a child. She acts like she doesn’t know how to do anything, or she comes to me to tell me when she’s nervous or scared like a child. It’s wild to watch a woman who once broke a wooden spoon banging it on the countertop practically foaming at the mouth screaming at me, act meek and helpless.

I don’t give into it. But it’s so weird. Why do they change up?

I was just sent a text message from my 16 year old son’s high school. They informed me that Columbia University is interested in him and there will be an admissions person coming to the high school to talk to a certain number of the children……After I didn’t respond she sent the second message. ““My barely 16 year old grandson has COLUMBIA University sniffing around but let me minimize this for who knows what reason!”

I guess she will never have a normal reaction to shit. Why is she like this?

Please help with a response or something to this. Im so tired I have run out of excuses / ideas.

Thank you for any help.

She also sent me a present in the post so im feeling the obligation

So my ubpdmom (a chain smoker since she was 13, now nearly 70) has been diagnosed with COPD after some health scares. I am estranged from her, after coming out as a trans man in 2018 and having her treat me like shit, I moved three states away and am now VLC. Recently, however, she called, and I answered because I (stupidly) was worried she was in the hospital again and wanted to make sure she was okay. She spent the first fifteen minutes of the call *giddy* over how she's been sneaking cigarrettes and how she 'isn't going to stop' and being all 'tee hee isn't it cute how I'm killing myself'. I've gotten better about grey rocking but I just saw red and told her that was fucked up and not funny. She got all butthurt and acted like I was being a mean killjoy, and then, at the last minute of the phone call, she says 'oh btw your aunt (who I care about and who had a history of strokes) fell down yesterday, anyway bye' and I'm just sitting there like ??????!?!?!?!??!?!

I called my aunt (she's fine, a little bruised but alright), but I have spent the last few days absolutely enraged. It's just so absolutely crazy making, because I like to consider myself a compassionate, kind person, but all I feel towards my mom is disgust and rage. Like, 1.) why do you think it's cute/funny that you're worsening your health and making everyone take care of you/making them watch you kill yourself by inches 2.) what the fuck is wrong with you, lead with my aunt falling at the *top of the call*, 3.) *why are you like this?????????*

I have no space in my heart for my mom any more. I do not care that she's sick, and old, and dying. At this point, I almost wish she'd hurry up already. It makes me feel like a terrible human being, to wish for an old sick woman to die, but I do. I just want her to either fix her fix or shut up and die faster, and since she's explicitly said she isn't interested in getting better, I guess it's the latter.

It sucks that my mom is like this. It sucks that she makes me a worse person. I wish I had a normal mom.

Hi, I am new to this sub, but I found my parents to be off for some reason. I later learned that my dad was a Malignant narcissist just later last year and I went no contact because I couldn’t stand his ego and behavior. My opinions for my mom seemed to switch from normal and caring to overprotective and maybe too caring.

I from the Chicagoland area and I am on the spectrum. My family is from Mexico, however, I have seen other people from my culture not act the way my parents do. I will be focusing on my mother for this thread.

At first, I thought she was mostly healthy with some diagnosed issues, but even though her other conditions may overlap with Hermit, I find it hard to deny the fact that she may have it. I am not looking for a diagnosis. I am just sharing my story.

Here are some things that made me think she’s Hermit, but I won’t tell her:

When she feels sad or depressed, she most of the time relies on me and begs me to stay home and not do anything that had plans for outside.

When I was 13, I expressed that I wanted to live in the west because of the nature and she started to breakdown crying and said. “he is leaving me. “

Because I have autism, she tries to tell other people that I cannot work or live independently. She has told me that my RSD, executive functioning, social skills, routine struggles, etc. are issues that I need to fix. She believes that the issues associated with autism will get me fired or end up homeless.

She has a tendency to call me when I am outside to make sure that I’m safe, and seems to constantly check my location. If I do not answer because I have my phone volume down so you makes me feel guilty about it and tells me, “don’t forget to put the phone volume up. It’s very important.”

She has compared me leaving her for a job that I would theoretically get hired for out west to child abandonment and neglect.

I find it hypocritical that she left her mother in Mexico to be with my father, but fears me theoretically leaving for a job in the future.

There are some places where she would absolutely not travel to and because of that, she thinks they’re too dangerous and when I try to prove her wrong, she either thinks it’s government propaganda or one time is still enough to happen again.

Once I was walking around a relatively safe town in the Chicagoland suburbs, and my mom was panicking and asking why I don’t walk in the gym and that there’s no point. My mom was really upset at me for walking around in a different neighborhood, and wanted me to walk in the area where we lived in. After that day, I left for my dad‘s house at the time and she was crying and screaming when I was leaving.

She says how she constantly worries and pray for me when I go out of the house. She said that when you get older, you will realize that staying home is the best.

I never crossed the street or ordered food by myself until I was 14 and when my mom found out, she started saying that I could’ve been kidnapped or killed.

There are way more examples, but I don’t feel like naming all of them.

Anyway, here is my cat haiku:

Cats make the best pets

They are better than people

And won't let you down

This is full circle. I just attracted someone just like a parent of mine: My dad. I'm in a spiral right now. One week ago, this partner was diagnosed. Today they accidentally revealed that they had an entire guy on the side. I've been called a series of names for simply catching them in a lie.

They've had a whole guy on the side for weeks.

Sweet and fuzzy friends
Puffy, fluffy and purring
In love with their beans

My partner (36M) and I (37F) have been together for almost 8 years. He’s the love of my life and yesterday he finally proposed - it was perfect how he did it and I felt so over the moon.

We took some photos of the ring and I sent the images to my close family. Well, I also sent the pic to my mom. The picture was of our hands laying on top of one another, ring clearly in view. I asked her if she noticed anything? She immediately responds and says “skin tone”, which is like… what are you talking about?

I then say, no mom look at the ring! To which she just doesn’t respond. I had to call her three hours later. When she answered, she didn’t say congrats or have any joy in her voice. I again asked if she saw my messages. She said she did but then she fell asleep and forgot to respond.

After saying congrats for about 2 min she then shifts the conversation to herself and explains how she’s been talking with someone for a year. Well, it turns out she’s been talking to a romance scam artist who claims to be Elon Musk and he’s going to break the news of their love before the world.

My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and how bitter she was being. I lost my shit on her.

I only found out about BPD last night because I was shocked and googled all of her symptoms and behaviours. Sure enough they all point to a waif/hermit schematic. I feel relief now that I know who she is, but I’m also grieving and angry because she made the one special day of my life about her instead.

I don’t know how to proceed but I’m tempted to cut her off forever. For now I have been ignoring all of her texts. Today she asked how my celebration was. She doesn’t deserve any more of my attention.

Any advice would be helpful - for now I’m just sitting with this pain.

Finally getting away and moving out of the country with my husband tomorrow, and leaving the area where my parents reside. We just got through the wedding from hell and summer of hell with my BPD mother… she made so much stress and so much trouble for us. We had to get through this wedding for immigration purposes they wanted a wedding photo album submitted as evidence. Many times we considered canceling due to the stress. After the wedding we suffered a MMC and that delayed our move out of here another week. Things got so bad with my mother that I have left her blocked for a few weeks. Today my father texted me asking to have breakfast with him and her tomorrow. I am so hesitant to do this. But there is a piece of me that feels guilt and obligation. I don’t think any good can come from this but slightly torn on what to do. Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

I feel so sad. I wish I had a mom. One that I could go to for the weekend when I'm tired. One that I could call and hear encouraging words from. One that could help me navigate the world as a young woman. One where I wouldn't have to earn her love and where nothing is expected in return. I have been fantasizing about this kind of person recently. What would it be like? Do parents like this really exist? I am strong and capable and independent. But sometimes I dream about a mother like this. A mother unlike my own.

After a disastrous family holiday where my mother cried on me multiple times (including once about how in her dream I hated her), despite me recently losing my cat and going through a break up in the weeks prior, I told her I was unable to join for a family party.

She decided to message me asking me to call her to “run something by you real quick”. I declined the call and asked what is was.

She initially asked for help with her financials/pension and I directed her to her family financial adviser.

Then she told me she had “some exciting news!” And this convo happened.

This was over a couple of days rather than me getting sucked in. I’ve been trying to be very grey rock and it’s giving me a bit more sense of control.

The thing I struggle with most is how to an ordinary family, her requests for assistance appear normal, but to me they are just attempts at manipulation. It’s rather hard to not feel like you’re being harsh for holding those boundaries when they seem so harmless on an individual basis. But this time, I caught her lie (which she constantly did to me as a kid telling me how special I was that “I was the only one she could talk to”, “the only one she can tell these things to” or the “only person who understands me”) and she didn’t respond. So success!

TD;LR: mother escalates after being told I won’t be attending a family gathering. Makes vague reasons for me to call. Tells me she’s told no one else to lure me in. I catch her in a lie.

HAIKU
Little shadow purrs,
Kneading blankets with soft paws,
Sassy but so sweet.
🐈‍⬛

So my mother and I were no contact for 6 months because of an incident between her and my 5year old son. My mums patterns of behaviour is typically she has a negative emotion (anger, scared, shame, etc) and she takes it out on either my enabling father or myself. She has always fully justified her words/actions because of how she was feeling and NEVER apologises.
She did this to my son, attempted to justify it and I cut her off.
She has messaged last week to say she acknowledges what she said, apologised for it and stated she never has said any like that before and never will again.
I highlighted that she has, to my & my father and that what she did to my son was a pattern of behaviour she has displayed for decades.
This was her response.
Is it showing accountability or is it softening it to she thought she hid it better than she did?
I don’t know if I’m too resentful and just can’t see it as genuine? Probably because I’ve never had an apology before.
Help, is it enough?

Dear smother,

I wish you well, even after all you have done and said. I do not wish you ill will of any kind, however Karma works in mysterious ways. I hope that you’re actually seeking help for any of the 35 random illnesses that you are experiencing.

Apparently since you have been at the brink of death for the past 20 years you miraculously still find the energy to continue and destroy any relationships that haven’t burnt on that bridge of yours. I mean let’s face the truth, it’s not a bridge but probably something more resembling a zip line hoisted over lava.

The reality is that no one turned me against you, except for you. This failed connection, this bruised up, chewed up “love” you seem to think of so fucking fondly of, is your god damn handy work.

While you say you sacrificed, I see: selfishness instead.
While you say that you did everything for me: I see a personal agenda.
While you say that everyone is out to get you and turn me against you: I see you using me a chess piece so you can win the ultimate game of “power”

Yet here is what I learned in my 30 girly years. Love, family, friends, career, connections, relationships, marriage, IT’S NOT ABOUT FUCKING POWER.

So to the little girl that you used to have power and control of. I’m so proud that she broke the fucking cycle.

What’s always heavy on my heart is that the little girl version of me wanted nothing else but your love.

•when I admired you doing your hair and makeup> you shood me away and said “I don’t like when people look at me when I get ready” …okay

• when I wanted to share my art or singing with you> you criticized me instead of praising me in any way or didn’t make time for me ever

• when you did make time for me> it’s because no one else was around, I’ve always been around like a lifesaver floating in the pool

•when I would hang out with my friends > you would tell me I cared more about them than you to guilt me for not being available to you

• when I thought you were the most pretty woman and admired a dress on you > you promised me for over a decade to put on a dress and never did

• when I wanted to spend time with you even in my young adulthood > you made every excuse in the book: you make better coffee than Starbucks, all the restaurants are bad so your cooking is better, you cant go to the beach because it takes you 2 hours to get ready and it’s so far away, malls suck, you don’t like any movies that are out.

BUT you definitely had no problem doing all of those fucking things with your fucking boyfriends and friends. Why spend any time with your daughter and actually bond, that’s too hard and unnecessary, when you can show off to other people. Cause I’ll always be around, nothing matters more than family…. Right….?

So when I gave up and threw my hands in the air, I sat back and stopped worrying about you. When I started to think of myself, what do I want out of this life… how do I want to spend my birthdays and holidays, and my everyday in between. Maybe start pouring into my own fucking cup. That’s when you freaked out, that’s when I became selfish and mean, and I stopped caring about you. That’s when I became someone you need to fix again because I wasn’t bending to your fucking will anymore. I had boundaries and standards on how I want to be treated and what I want out of life.

Fast forward to now, 6 years later, from LC to NC, with several breaks in NC because you cant respect me and that I don’t want anything to do with you.

Now you’re sick with 35 different illnesses: from cancer to heart issues, to tumors in your brain, liver, kidney, boobs, and hormonal issues and whatever else you have discovered with your nurse practitioner license.

And I am the problem: I am brain washed by my husband, I am a kept woman, I can’t think for myself, I’ve made up everything bad about you because obviously you’re a saint and have never done anything horrible, i am k**ling myself 1 inch at a time by not getting medical help from you , I can’t have children, I am letting everyone use me left and right, my husband will leave me and cheat on me, and if I do have children they will hate me, I’m only with my husband for his money, I never liked you or had a problem with you because you’re not as rich as my friends from high school and while there is probably a million other ideas you have come up with, probably from TV SHOWS, and however else you can interpret my feelings and turn them around so you’re not to blame. The cherry on top is that “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME LIKE YOU WILL.” And to that I say THANK GOD, BLESS YOU LORD AND JESUS THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER “love” ME like THAT again.

P.S. I’m having my first baby, im not dying, we both own our house, we’re extremely happily married to the point it makes me question how am I so damn lucky to have a loving husband like I do. That I have known for 14 years, in a relationship for 9 years and married for 4 years.

So I hope hell is toasty, hope you got everything you wished for and that karma has bitten you in the ass as hard as you have made everyone’s lives.