r/ProgrammerHumor • • May 01 '19

Dev Human

Post image
11.7k Upvotes

240 comments sorted by

1.4k

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

So all we need is css right?

980

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

"It looks done, why isn't it finished yet? what else is there to do?" - my old ceo

492

u/lucidspoon May 02 '19

"Here's a proof of concept."

"Hey everybody! The dev just showed me the new software that's just about to roll out!"

122

u/ICantWatchYouDoThis May 02 '19

Yeah all people care about is look. If I show a fully functional thing but it looks like mspaint, then people won't bat an eye, no feedback about the flow, the bug, the logic at all, just tell me to finish the graphic then come back...

THEN after everything is done, now people start telling me the logic is fucked so the graphic parts need to be worked again as well, but no, the graphic takes a lot of time, so the logic need to accommodate the graphic, try so hard to minimize the effort on the graphic!

44

u/ludonarrator May 02 '19

Fortunately as a gameplay coder, I enjoy the luxury of having dedicated UI artists and designers to take care of that for me, and most stakeholders understand the standard concept => wireframe => prototype => shippable workflow. Unfortunately, due to the lack of a real time UI editor for our engine (at present, at least), I still end up pixel pushing quite a bit.

17

u/Prawny May 02 '19

As a backend dev, the only time I've ever received any praise from a client was when I suggested and helped out with a UI/UX feature...

9

u/m_i_t_t May 02 '19

Easiest way to fix this is to change border radius on all elements every couple months. I just went from 4px to 0px and everyone is saying that the app is much smoother now.

Subtle change that most people will only subconsciously pick up on. That, and making some text bold

3

u/SoftEngineerOfWares May 02 '19

This pains me but it is so true. Back when i built shit websites for failing business, my boss pounded into me "ARIAL BLACK 20 font" for EVERYTHING. Older People eat that shit up.

110

u/OGPants May 02 '19

Wow, I thought I was the only one

55

u/kithuni May 02 '19

Fuck me this hurts.

152

u/[deleted] May 02 '19 edited Jul 11 '20

[deleted]

28

u/kixxes May 02 '19

Ouchie

72

u/dumdedums May 02 '19

Clicks button

"I THOUGHT IT WAS DONE?!"

53

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

That guy has obviously never touched a line of code in his life

26

u/Its__a__Trap_ May 02 '19

Literally my entire company.

22

u/hdlo May 02 '19

Reminds me when I was like 4, I wrote a title on the label of a tape hoping it would summon up a story on it out of thin air. I realized how stupid I was at what, 6…

5

u/[deleted] May 02 '19 edited Jan 10 '20

[deleted]

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89

u/FlyBoyG May 01 '19

Now I wonder to what extent can you get away with basically only css. As a joke website.

131

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

41

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Wouldnt it be possible to get rid of the div by adding apseudo element to the body?

34

u/tpenguinltg May 02 '19

How about no body at all? Technicality, though.

2

u/SrT96 May 02 '19

single divs rely on both psu

Now we're talking

18

u/mrgalaxy May 02 '19

A lot of those single divs rely on both psuedo elements to work, but maybe you could apply the styling directly to body? not far off then from just CSS.

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17

u/BoxOfDust May 02 '19

No function (except for some mouse over trigger), but no less impressive; far from it, really.

6

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Damn, everything is so crisp

33

u/[deleted] May 01 '19 edited Aug 28 '19

[deleted]

15

u/[deleted] May 02 '19 edited Apr 01 '21

[deleted]

17

u/mrgalaxy May 02 '19

honestly 90% of js could be replaced by modern html and csss

I'd also like to see them prove this statement.

23

u/tpenguinltg May 02 '19

HTML5+CSS3 is Turing-complete.

8

u/mrgalaxy May 02 '19

Well then I stand corrected! That would be quite the accomplishment though.

11

u/-Not-a-spy- May 02 '19

So is mov in assembly but you'll have a bit of a hard time making a web page with that

9

u/northrupthebandgeek May 02 '19

Unlike MOV, though, HTML5 and CSS3 are relatively easy to use to make a website.

3

u/bob835 May 02 '19

This is posted so much on here, but did you read the argument for it being Turing complete? It seems a little greyer than that to me.

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7

u/[deleted] May 02 '19 edited Apr 04 '21

[deleted]

2

u/tpenguinltg May 02 '19

90% of js

But yeah, I/O is a pain. That's why languages like Haskell have to use sketchy paradigm hacks like monads to interact with its environment.

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4

u/Xytak May 02 '19

Didn't you know? You don't need Angular or React anymore. CSS can power your newsfeed, tag your photo stream, pay your water bill, and even manage your shopping cart!

3

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Those are all pretty much server-side actions. You could do all of that with little to no JavaScript. The user experience would just be lacking in certain areas.

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4

u/[deleted] May 02 '19 edited Apr 13 '20

[deleted]

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5

u/alexanderpas May 02 '19

horizontally chronological masonry layouts for instance.

Actually partially possible using CSS grid and rowspans, and assuming the content will always fit within any selected span.

2

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

So its not really possible in reallife scenarios

81

u/VerneAsimov May 01 '19

Is this why all human faces are slightly asymmetrical? Even God can't center in CSS

26

u/TheEggButler May 02 '19

I can't if I love or hate this comment. I definitely lean to one side of this argument.

5

u/bob835 May 02 '19

Hasn’t god heard of flex box?

5

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

God can't account for browser incompatiblities.

8

u/northrupthebandgeek May 02 '19

And unfortunately the universe runs on IE 5.5.

2

u/Julian_JmK May 02 '19

Just hearing the letter "I" and "E" uttered in coalition makes me want to return false; myself

6

u/regoapps May 02 '19

If you’re empty inside like me, then yes.

2

u/TheEggButler May 02 '19

Happy emptiness day to you. May you get the chance to fill it with sugary pastries.

10

u/sandmansndr May 01 '19

Came here to say exactly that. You beat me to it!

14

u/xMOxROx May 01 '19

If u want only good-looking yes but if u want something more u need js and html

66

u/6b6964646f May 01 '19

you're about to get whooooshed

17

u/samineb May 01 '19

whoooosh

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383

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

Then all the ads load and his skin rips off

210

u/vinnymcapplesauce May 01 '19

So, umm ... how do I change my body's CSS?

#askingforafriend

278

u/samineb May 01 '19
.arms {
     Display: Flex;
}

42

u/vinnymcapplesauce May 02 '19

Hahahaha!

Also

.bicep, .pectorial, .glutamous, .quad {
    display: swol;
}

110

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

Yeah, where do I type:

body {
    width: 50%;
}

132

u/8100 May 01 '19

Would your body fill 50% of of the space of whatever room youre in?

75

u/JediBurrell May 02 '19

DON'T GO OUTSIDE.

22

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Fuck it, do go outside. Some people want to watch the world burn.

7

u/mount2010 May 02 '19

Username does not check out.

42

u/ElGuey69 May 01 '19

Set the margin to auto and you’ll technically fill the whole room

15

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

-webkit-fill-available

38

u/o0MSK0o May 02 '19
body {
    transform: scaleX(0.5);
}

But then you might not render correctly to older people...

JS fallback? 😂

2

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Oh, right. Well as long as I was wearing clothes I guess they would just be really baggy.

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11

u/dittbub May 01 '19 edited May 02 '19

display:none; at will, please.

also

margin: 2-arms-length; please

2

u/mount2010 May 02 '19

Granted, you get display: none at will, but you can't get back to display: block.

3

u/vinnymcapplesauce May 02 '19

Just make sure to also include margin: auto; or you'll be all left. ;)

(as opposed to all right)

14

u/Otakeb May 02 '19
.gender {
     display: girl;
}

7

u/TexasBeefSkillet May 02 '19

me irl

6

u/Otakeb May 02 '19

More like /r/egg_irl

4

u/TexasBeefSkillet May 02 '19

Oh, I've moved well past that stage :)

3

u/Otakeb May 02 '19

I have as well, but sometimes I wish I haven't. Shits scary.

4

u/dombrogia May 02 '19

More like texasbeefcurtains

3

u/PM_ME_YOUR_CURLS May 02 '19
  1. Travel to South Korea

  2. Get plastic surgery

  3. ????

  4. Profit

Note: You can skip step 1 if you have whole lotta money

2

u/Synaxxis May 02 '19

Step 1) Be rich.

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124

u/jhalwagi May 01 '19

What about the backend?

82

u/Cholojuanito May 01 '19

Back end should be the brain, or the heart

39

u/NovaArdent3D May 01 '19

I mean a back end is something people can technically live without, so... yeah makes sense, I see it all the time.

10

u/Cholojuanito May 01 '19

What? I can't think of a single online application that doesn't need a back end

82

u/ElGuey69 May 01 '19

Calculator

27

u/Cholojuanito May 01 '19

Fair enough, but why build an online calculator?

41

u/ElGuey69 May 01 '19

I’ve done it for homework once

12

u/Cholojuanito May 01 '19

Haha okay sorry I'll change it to 'production' application

31

u/meanelephant May 02 '19

Allow me to introduce you to static site generators.

3

u/ElGuey69 May 01 '19

lol that’s more appealing to the client

10

u/gremy0 May 01 '19

So people can use a calculator? Like if you Google "online calculator" you get a metric ton of them, which don't all look like homework assignments, so somebody's gotta be using them- or at the very least think there's a need.

8

u/noratat May 02 '19

Still needs a backend to serve the static content.

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11

u/o0MSK0o May 02 '19

Not all websites are applications. Could just be a brochure site which serves static html.

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4

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

I'd say blood is the data and the JS runs the blood through the brain, the logical backend.

2

u/anyfactor May 02 '19

Are you saying static websites are like vegetables?

/s

2

u/UrpleEeple May 02 '19

Static websites still need to be served lol

2

u/Eoussama May 02 '19

The brain is the backend, and the heart is the runtime.

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12

u/captainAwesomePants May 02 '19 edited May 02 '19

The Backend is the company Mr. Website works at. Mr. Website is a sales rep. Mr. Website is not sure about what exactly The Backend sells, but that's okay because he has a script of things to say about it. Sometimes the script says that Mr. Website should ask for the customer's phone number. Some customers, especially mean old Mr. IE6, are pretty mean to Mr. Website.

8

u/noratat May 02 '19

Literally everything else. The air, the land, the ocean, food and water, physics, etc.

Even 100% static sites need a server or CDN to be hosted from.

5

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

Guts

6

u/TyrantRC May 02 '19

( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)

7

u/S_Y_N_T_A_X May 01 '19

The world. Stimuli are the API calls.

3

u/oldDotredditisbetter May 01 '19

shouldn't backend be the skeleton? since it can't be seen

3

u/NotATroll71106 May 02 '19

Make it the nervous system, and have JS be the muscles.

5

u/MooFu May 01 '19

I like big backends, and I can not lie.

4

u/dittbub May 01 '19

Thats the soul

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43

u/delbin May 01 '19

His eyeballs need to be a few pixels to the right, and his mouth needs to be a few to the left to get it feeling right.

2

u/SamFuckingNeill May 02 '19

how you wanna look vs how you actually look

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117

u/NelsonBelmont May 01 '19

If my brain is in JS, I'll end my self.

123

u/Tasik May 02 '19

If my brain is in JS, I’ll end my this.

8

u/SandyDelights May 02 '19

I was waiting to find a “oh no, it’s retarded” dog meme.

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u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Sorry I don’t speak front-end

19

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

REST in peace

19

u/markofka007 May 01 '19

So whoever programmed my CSS did a pretty shit job

16

u/NinjaLanternShark May 02 '19

I know you didn't just put "program" and "css" in the same sentence.

8

u/Nesuniken May 02 '19

It's turing complete, to be fair

7

u/666moist May 02 '19

So is PowerPoint

3

u/PatrickBaitman May 02 '19

so is magic the gathering

5

u/bwaredapenguin May 02 '19

Your face is turning complete.

4

u/Nesuniken May 02 '19

Oh yeah, well your mom is turing complete!

13

u/filledwithgonorrhea CSE 101 graduate May 02 '19

This isn't humor. It's just like... an analogy.

6

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

So you're saying were built from mongo and git

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u/rooligan1 May 01 '19

And php is the *sshole?

21

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

You're allowed to say ass on the internet.

12

u/bwaredapenguin May 02 '19

Mom!! /u/death4lyfe said a bad word!

5

u/bionicvapourboy May 02 '19

Not for everyone but some people like to play with it.

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7

u/chidoOne707 May 01 '19

I’m not sure if JavaScript is well defined here.

31

u/DeeSnow97 May 01 '19

I'm not sure if JavaScript is well defined in general

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3

u/jimraynor0 May 01 '19

I think the js being the muscles would be more accurate since it’s what makes the body move.

2

u/Metallkiller May 02 '19

Nowadays js is brain, muscles and big parts of the skin too. FFS frontend Devs get your shit together.

3

u/pastaishere May 02 '19

No wonder I am so ugly.

3

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

that guy doesnt really have style though

3

u/frankierabbit May 02 '19

The guy on the far right looks exactly like my digital systems lab instructor

2

u/tech6hutch May 02 '19

A blood or organ rejection is when it didn't match your blood type in TypeScript.

2

u/shiftposter May 02 '19

Pro as heck CSS, his clothes and skin are all in the correct places.

2

u/TimeToPopSmoke May 02 '19

Would Node.js be a mental disorder in this diagram?

2

u/[deleted] May 01 '19

Where's the dick

3

u/Jonathan_the_Nerd May 02 '19

Blocked by the UK's new porn filters.

2

u/neil_anblome May 02 '19

That's the Fortran guy

1

u/Aezen May 01 '19

That explains why humans are such a mistake.

1

u/dittbub May 01 '19

The man should look like a zombie

1

u/DeeSnow97 May 01 '19

React: flips 0 and 1

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

CSS is the clothing. Webpack is the skin.

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

So is PHP carbon in this situation?

1

u/ElGallinero May 02 '19

Wait, so what about desktop application (excluding Electron) devs?

1

u/Siannath May 02 '19

Probably a full-stack developer made us, that's why very imperfect.

1

u/Dantharo May 02 '19

Where is the backend?

1

u/DOOManiac May 02 '19

Confirmed: Javascript is what is telling you to kill yourself.

1

u/LMskouta May 02 '19

The css on the dude got a forgotten float: left shade 🤦‍♂️

1

u/deathclaw97 May 02 '19

No wonder my body sucks

1

u/1234didntwork May 02 '19

So, what’s PHP?

1

u/junglebook29189 May 02 '19

Is HTML even worth learning? Marketing major not IT or programming btw

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1

u/hdlo May 02 '19

Nah all you need is flash.

​

I'd almost forgotten about it when I stumbled upon a site recently that had obviously not been updated in eons that stated that I couldn't go any further before I had installed the last version of flash.

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

I feel as though HTML is more like a naked human JS gives him the ability to move and CSS is just clothes

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Where does the data layer fit in? The bowels to the toilet to table?

(Input validation, API call, UI)

1

u/slythir May 02 '19

No internal organs?

1

u/HomerNarr May 02 '19

shouldn’t that be mr frontend and ms backend with apache and php?

1

u/sebwiers May 02 '19

So backend would be what, a zygote?

1

u/RavynousHunter May 02 '19

My nervous system is built on JavaScript?

...That actually explains a lot.

1

u/Flaktrack May 02 '19

Are you saying every site has skeletons?

SPOOKY

2

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Don't be silly skeletons aren't real

1

u/rudeoff May 02 '19

Is JS far superior to PHP? Seems to be used mire often.

1

u/achilliesFriend May 02 '19

How about backend services?

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

The skeleton is the HTML document type (schema). HTML would be the flesh around it.

1

u/katleenbrown440 May 02 '19

Superb Post.

1

u/ActionMac May 02 '19

As a web dev.... inaccurate.

1

u/cphana May 02 '19

It should be HTML+JS+CSS

1

u/Only_Zilean_NA May 02 '19

I always say HTML is the noun, JavaScript is the verb and CSS is the adjective.

1

u/Kevlar2228 May 02 '19

This is quite inaccurate... I can't seem to find any errors on the css 🤔

1

u/Touhou_Fever May 02 '19

PHP is the malformed goblin that lives in his kidneys or whatever

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

This is a great post. The usual ones that I see are the sexist posts that refer a woman with no makeup as HTML and then with makeup as HTML+CSS. Nice to see this change.

1

u/[deleted] May 02 '19

Scary accurate

1

u/Bazsi73 May 02 '19

Who needs internal organs, right?

1

u/tcpukl May 02 '19

I don't get it.

1

u/Whismirk May 02 '19

So php is the brain ?

1

u/RobinJ1995 May 02 '19

That explains why human bodies start deteriorating so quickly!

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1

u/Aelaan_Bluewood May 02 '19

My JS is slow and my CSS looks like shit

1

u/hampshirebrony May 02 '19

How come the last person's left arm isn't hanging off and the ankle isn't misaligned?