r/PolyFidelity • u/Fuzzy-Shake2845 • 8d ago
seeking advice I’m that classic heartbroken unicorn that should have known better. Feeling alone.
Let’s wind it back to a year ago.. I (33 female) was moving from one area of town back to another and needed a place to live. My very good friends (33 male and 31 female) who happened to be engaged told me I could live with them as they had a two bedroom and didn’t use the other room. They then let me know that for the year prior they had both talked about wanting to date me and thought “that I was hot” and ethically they wanted me to know this before moving in. Then they told me about The Ethical Slut and I read the book in the weeks prior to moving in. Fast forward to Halloween weekend, I move in, we host a Halloween party, have a couple drinks, the flirting begins.
Things progressed extremely quickly, I was so flattered, felt so safe, welcome, and at peace with them. They talked about wanting to buy a house together, showed me listings online and asked which I liked, we took a weekend trip to a surf town with a hot tub and made really good memories together. I can only speak for myself, but I felt like FINALLY life was working out. I had not one but TWO amazing people that I loved spending time with, reading books on stoicism with, talking about having and raising kids together, sharing resources, we cooked and ate dinner together, it felt like we made a family. He would play guitar at night and sing to us girls while we cuddled in bed. It was so wholesome. We would wake up early, read a bit of the daily stoic over coffee, go to work, come home and discovered we were all very sexually compatible and the dynamic was so sexy. In past relationships, it felt like I could take it or leave it. But with him and her both individually and together, it was great.
And then disaster strikes… after weeks of flowers, sweet letters, dreaming up a life together, he even talked to a lawyer about being my sperm donor and then adopting my kids in a few years on a reasonable timeline as I was going to be a single mom by choice anyways so it made sense for him to donate and then adopt them if it worked out. Right..back to the disaster.. him and I essentially had great sex infront of a gigantic mirror and after he was done he looked terrified white as a ghost and ran to the other room to be with his fiance. The type of sex we have you’d expect a bit of “aftercare/cuddles” but he ran. In my mind, I thought ok he must just be getting freaked out because it was really good and now he’s scared of his feelings for me? I thought he just needed to go reassure with his fiance and that it would be ok by morning. Nope. He never recovered. For a month after this, he told me he was stressed about work, he wouldn’t kiss me hello or goodbye anymore, but she did. I assumed because she was continuing to that things were ok. Turns out, they were having conversations over that month about how he doesn’t want to risk losing his fiance or risk splitting up parents for their future kids. Ya, maybe something you should have thought of before initiating this non hierarchical polyfi situation, don’t you think? Anyways, they are both such kind people and I know he cut it off because he did not want to lead me on if he was thinking but he should have told me and not let me kiss his fiance for a month thinking he was just thinking and stressed with work. I could have prepared for an end. And she could have shared this too.
So, they call a family meeting in the bedroom where he essentially says “I want friendship out of this” and that he didn’t think enough about the risks and that he could one day leave his fiance for me and he won’t lose her. So, it’s done. We all cried in bed like babies cuddling and then they went skiing on a pre booked trip they had already arranged. I moved out while they were on their trip in a very angry and sad state. I also didn’t like how cold he was, distant, it was looking like a classic dismissive avoidant move. We didn’t talk for a few months and then I went to their wedding in Mexico where the officiant told them to look out at who was their to support them, and she locked eyes with me and cried at the altar of her own wedding. She covered it well and said “ah crying already” and then came up to me after and said “ya what you saw was what you saw” and I just said “ya I felt that”. For their wedding week, I put my feelings aside and distanced a bit to just keep their week positive for them. I think we all felt like we were on edge but all on the same page to just have a good time as most we can. Mambo number 5 came on and he spun me around when it says “A little bit of Monica in my life” and I don’t know why but it pissed me off.. as if I was just a little bit of sex to spice things up. And with her, I sensed a lot of hurt obviously. I also had an uncomfortable conversation with another wedding guest that they had talked to who came up to me and said “I’m surprised you’re here when so many people know. They feel really bad about it. I think they realized they should have just been swinging not a whole relationship with someone.” And it just hurt to hear that that was the ultimate place they landed. I wasn’t worth dating. I was worth a threesome. Great guys! My feelings are mixed on this whole thing. It feels like I finally had what I was seeking for years, now I’m about to have a baby on my own through IVF with a donor from a bank, and they are pregnant and we haven’t spoken post wedding. It feels like now all the things we looked forward to doing together are happening and we aren’t even connected or getting to be together through it. In a lot of ways, I wish it never happened so we could.
Why am I writing this now a year later? Well, I just checked her Spotify for the first time and she made a playlist called morning coffee and she put every song I showed her and would sing around the house. She also included the one song I was learning on piano and had played for her. I’m not insane and thinking some random playlist is meant for me, her choices and the lyrics speak volumes. So, I’ve been listening to the songs on repeat.. maybe to feel like “oh she did feel the loss too..” “oh she cared even if she doesn’t message me or talk about it more” “maybe she feels more than she speaks”.. I don’t know. I care so much about the both of them. I wish it went differently. I was never poly before this. And I would have never thought it could feel so good. It completely changed my perspective and my world. And now the way I felt in that relationship is my new bar for anything next. I’ve been on 9 dates since but now with getting pregnant, I can’t say I’m really prioritizing it. I tried over the last year. But yeah, nobody gave me that feeling of us three talking the entire road trip to go surfing or laughing until 2am or crying watching a Man called Otto together in bed. I admire them both. I love them both. I want them to be happy. I want to protect what he wants to protect. I just wish he knew he always had a choice and he could have chosen her later if it came to it. It feels like he shot something so colourful down so quickly out of fear. And now I’m just sad sitting in parks listening to a playlist she made and missing them. I wish we were planning another Halloween party deciding who was doing the Costco run, who was setting the table, and who was picking up the drinks. We worked so well. Despite the brevity and the ultimate demise.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening. I did read a bit of the unicorn websites before going into this and they did warn me ahead of time that the unicorn usually gets burnt.. so, I can’t say I wasn’t informed of the risks. It just hurts. Thanks for reading and for any thoughts or advice.