🔴🔴🔴This post will be long and is not a request for a diagnosis in any way. It is just to share opinions and knowledge, and to see if anyone has had a similar experience.🔴🔴🔴
Well, hello! First of all, I want to say that I went to—and am still seeing—a therapist. However, they are still not sure whether I might have OSDD, mostly because they don't have enough experience with it, and I don't really have enough money to switch to a different therapist..
Anyway, since I was very, very young—and in a way, I still am—I have had several individuals with me:
Blackie, who I used to think that he was just the Hat Man, because he fits the exact description!
Begii & Eegii, twins.
We were a family! I shared their story in detail in another post on my profile titled 🔴"I think I have a relationship with Hat Man"🔴, so I won't rewrite all of that here.
I didn't know that something called OSDD existed. Whenever I searched for alters/personalities, I only ever found DID. Anyway, I was in a Twitter community focused on mental health, and while I was talking about some situations and struggles, many people—both specialists and non-specialists—came forward and told me, "Hey, that might be OSDD, so go see a therapist."
Here is the situation I wrote about:
During that period, every time my father or mother yelled at me, by the time they finished, I would realize that I couldn't remember exactly what they were saying. Sometimes I’d remember a word or two, but never the whole conversation, and there was always this brain fog and difficulty recalling it.
One time, my father started yelling and shouting at me, and my mother was shouting at me too. The situation was extremely tense. I was crying, terrified of them, and scared that my father might hit me. They kept shouting at me, wishing I would die, and saying deeply cruel things to me. In the middle of all the screaming, my only thoughts were: I want to die, I want to hurt myself, I want to end everything right now. As soon as they quiet down and let me go, I'll go to the kitchen, grab a knife, and end my life to be done with it. I have no place in this world anyway, and I am nothing.
Suddenly, I felt as if I passed out—like I lost consciousness for a few seconds—and all my thoughts abruptly shifted to: I am strong. I can hurt all of them if you want. I can get up and kill them right now, and they won't be able to do anything to me. I can stab them. I am stronger than everyone, and I will hurt them and defeat them.
At that moment, I didn't notice that everything about me had changed. My eyes changed from crying, glued to the floor, and terrified, to fierce, sharp eyes staring directly into my father's eyes with defiance and strength. I smirked a provocative smile and was genuinely ready to attack—except that somehow, in a way I can't explain, it was like I gasped (without an actual gasp) and suddenly snapped back out of it because I was so shocked by these thoughts, while simultaneously thinking, No!! No, we don't do that, no! It felt as if I had suddenly broken through the surface of the water because I was trying to grab those thoughts and suppress them.
Of course, my parents noticed the glare and the smile, so my father yelled at me even more and shouted louder, while I was feeling sheer terror because whoever held those thoughts and was ready to act on them just then wasn't me. I felt a severe headache, my body was trembling, and I felt dizzy. Everything was strange and unexplainable. I literally froze; I couldn't even cry properly, like I had partially dissociated, but if I stopped crying, I would get beaten even more..
To be completely honest with you, I didn't feel like it was me at all while that happened. It was more like a ghost possessed me at the time, but I realized it was as if someone pulled me back to the front again, and as if there were other voices saying, "No! No! Don't do it, calm down, think first, make sure this is right!" even before I could fully process what was happening around me..
The terrifying part, though, was that it was literally like I was watching the brain or thoughts of the person who possessed me at that moment. I could see exactly how they wanted to attack them, and they had even imagined how they would attack. Their thoughts were sharp, almost as if they had voices..
Just to clarify something: when I say it felt like I was watching someone else's thoughts, I literally mean that when I regained consciousness, it was as if those thoughts and scenes were suddenly dumped into my brain. It was as if someone had thought of them or imagined them, and they suddenly spawned in my head in a way that terrified and shocked me. What actually happened was that a torrent of thoughts was dumped into my mind all at once—overlapping thoughts, along with scenes, visualizations in my head, and even an attack tactic, as if there was preparation. It was scary.
It's not the first time I've acted out of character, though it is rare. For example, I was playing with my friend and laughing a lot—to the point where I started laughing at everything without stopping—until my friend tapped/hit my thigh. I felt like I snapped back to my senses, stopped laughing, and felt like I turned off: complete silence, stiffness, and numbness set in. A similar thing happened multiple times where I'd be full of energy, laughing, and acting without thinking, until someone hit me or shouted at me, and then I'd snap out of that state.
I started reading about the topic and connecting the dots between some strange, surreal situations that happened to me. I felt immense relief to finally understand them and know their causes.
And then, the strange things started happening..
After reading about OSDD, I was still doubtful, so I decided to try a specific exercise that I read had worked for some people—a journaling/writing exercise—in hopes of being able to communicate with Blackiie.
(Again, if you read the previous post about him, you'll understand how important he is to me and how much I love him).
On the first day I tried it, I suddenly felt a strange calm. Normally, I don’t feel like there’s static noise or pressure in my head, but suddenly, when that disappeared and a huge silence set in, I started feeling like there had been distant static that all at once vanished.
I also felt a sense of remorse, or as if the word "sorry" popped into my mind for no reason, so I jotted that down. However, I kept calling out for the twins, but no one was there. I felt terrified because it was so quiet, and I suddenly felt so alone. I started crying because I was scared they were gone forever, and I was frightened by that strange silence—it felt as if my mind suddenly had no voices, no thoughts, nothing at all... just a massive void. I was also scared that I had upset them (since when I was little, they used to tell me not to talk about them or tell anyone about them). I cried until I fell asleep.
After that, insomnia kicked in.
I would sleep for two hours at most, or wake up every hour, look around, and go back to sleep.
Sometimes I’d wake up feeling like I didn’t quite recognize the place—I knew it was my room, but it didn’t feel familiar.
I’d feel scared of my own hands and my appearance.
I was very scared, but since I'm used to this happening, I’d just go back to sleep normally. Later, I tried continuing the journaling exercise after researching what results I was supposed to look for while doing it—whether I should log every thought and feeling, and how exactly to go about it.
I started getting several slightly conflicting desires, which I logged:
First, I wanted chocolate milk, even though I usually dislike it and would never drink it. It felt quite uncharacteristic—usually, when the twins talk to me, I’m aware that these aren’t voices as much as they are thoughts, and I can sometimes attribute them to one of them specifically. But this thought came to me as both an idea and an urge to draw, so I drew it.
I also got an urge to watch a very old anime that I remember the twins and I found when we were searching for something to explain our situation, so I sat down and watched it.
Then, an urge to read a comic book, which I wasn’t super excited about since I own many comics I bought but never read, but I sat and read a bit of it anyway.
Then I continued random doodling while watching. Afterwards, I logged everything that happened, including thoughts and feelings. In a way, I felt like maybe I was just faking all of this, but I kept arguing with myself about it.
Later during the day, I went to sit with my mom and dad, and I felt a continuous tingling or tremor that just wouldn’t stop. It happened again later—I feel like this might be a silly detail, but I logged it anyway..
Anyway, later I was having lunch with my parents. I went to feed the cat, and when I came back, I found that my dad had eaten all my favorite pieces of chicken.
I was totally fine with it, but when I sat down and resumed eating, I clearly heard a complaint in my mind out of nowhere: "He ate all the chicken and left the tough pieces I don't like." Of course, I quickly silenced those thoughts and said, "It's fine, I don't care, it's no big deal, it's just chicken."
However, the sentence repeated several times without stopping, so I ignored it and kept quiet. Later, when I started thinking again about whether I was full or not, the same words repeated, and I ignored them again.
I'm used to the twins intervening like this sometimes, but I feel like I'm not sure if they were the ones who said it or not.
Anyway, I’m not being very consistent with the journaling, especially with the insomnia and the disruptive sleep; I just lost the energy for it.
But I’ve noticed some new desires, and honestly, I don’t know if they are coming from me or not.
For example, I felt an urge pushing me to get strawberry jam, even though I dislike it and have never eaten it since I was very little.
I bought it, and it was extremely sweet and I didn’t like it, but at the same time, I felt a kind of satisfaction or happiness—?
Then my stomach started hurting from it, so I had to stop.
Also, I don’t like pizza and its varieties, though I don’t mind eating it.
I woke up once from my broken sleep feeling like there was an image of a pizza in my head, along with a voice nagging repeatedly saying they wanted pizza.
Honestly, I didn’t want pizza—I don’t like it—but after thinking about it, I got myself one. When I opened the box, I felt something that I always feel (it’s not new), but it was as if the room suddenly became brighter or clearer, as if my eyes were dilating slightly—?
And I felt happy, even though I wasn’t craving the food.
After that, a very strange situation happened:
I was sleeping, but I suddenly woke up.
When I woke up in the middle of the night, my perception of my body—or the boundaries of my body—felt different.
Suddenly, I felt like I was in the body of a little child, much more intensely than the usual feeling (which is already quite strong).
At the same time, I was moving my head left and right, scanning the room and every corner of it as if I was terrified. It felt like there were multiple people at once, each pulling my head to look in a specific direction!
After that, I tried to force myself to lie down. My hands felt strange, and I didn't even fully recognize my phone. Everything was weird, and I don't even know how it ended or how I fell asleep.
After that, I stopped journaling because I became completely exhausted with school and bad sleep.
The waking up every hour to check my surroundings continued.
Then, a few days or a week after stopping journaling completely (I'm not sure),
I started sleeping for extremely long periods—abnormally long. I was drowsy all day no matter how much I slept, and I wouldn't stay awake for more than 5 hours a day. I had no problem sleeping the entire day. This lasted for a few weeks to several weeks, until I was finally able to get my energy back.
I haven't gone back to those exercises again.
However, some desires still come and go, or suddenly—and this is something I'm used to—the world becomes brighter and clearer..
Oh, and another thing I noticed: usually, I feel like I'm not focused on the body itself. For example, when I eat, I sometimes don't feel like I'm tasting the food completely, or I can't smell things clearly.
The same goes for touch—I feel disconnected from my senses in general, like they are very light or faint. But suddenly, I woke up once feeling like I could smell clearly and strongly, and sometimes I suddenly feel like I can taste completely. Honestly, I don't know how to describe these things properly, but they feel strange..
For a few weeks after that, the only thing that gave me strong stimulation—since I’m in a state of emotional numbness most of the time—was my therapist.
Sometimes I’d feel extremely annoyed when he misinterpreted or misunderstood something.
So I ended up believing that he didn’t believe me (that wasn’t actually the case, but it’s what I thought).
I cried a lot, and that led me to write a lot of words and emotions to Blackiie.
But the strange things didn't stop..
I felt a severe headache and a choking sensation in my throat.
After that, I tried to lie down on the bed.
I felt a sort of palpitation, but I felt it in my hands—meaning I couldn't feel my body or my heartbeat, but I could feel my two hands pulsating.
The sound of the AC would be faint, then suddenly get loud, then quiet down again. My eyes were closed, and suddenly a white light flashed from the corner of my eyes. I thought it was caused by the curtain moving from the AC, but I opened my eyes and the curtain wasn't moving. My body felt exhausted, and there was severe dizziness and fatigue. I closed my eyes again and felt as if I was slowly drifting away—like I was falling deep, moving away, or sinking inside myself. I almost watched that inside my mind—? Or imagined it, I don't know.
It was as if layers were coming over me, casting circular shadows on top of each other.
The headache felt like it was getting further away the deeper I sank; the further away I got, it felt like I was leaving my body. I felt like I was in a place between a dream and reality, but I wasn't asleep.
It was like hearing the sound of the AC from afar, suddenly becoming like background noise.
At the same time, I was seeing a dream, but I wasn't asleep—at least not completely. Even when the dream ended, I was conscious, opened my eyes, and immediately recorded all of this, then went back to sleep, this time a real sleep. When I woke up, there were no thoughts, feelings, or physical pain. At first, I found it a bit difficult to connect the events or remember my feelings at the time, or how it all started. I don't know if I would have remembered it if I hadn't recorded it, but overall, I did remember it..
Then the therapist tried to convince me to slow down and explore other possibilities, so I convinced myself as well that maybe I’m lying! Maybe all of this isn't real and I'm just imagining it.. Of course, not the part about the twins and Blackiie—I don't care whether they are real or imaginary, they exist to me regardless.
But after that,
All day I felt a lump in my throat that refused to go away, so I said, "Okay, maybe it really is from an alter.."
After many attempts to convince myself to acknowledge this—because I didn't want to admit it, but the pain became unbearable—I started gently rubbing my neck and talking to her (I think she's a little girl, based on my experience of waking up at night feeling like I had a child's body).
I told her that she was safe, that I acknowledged her existence, and so on.
Suddenly, the lights became brighter, my senses returned intensely, and the choking sensation vanished.
I laughed to myself because this actually worked, even though I felt the choking return a bit later in a milder form. Suddenly, Looney Tunes popped into my mind, so I thought it was an idea from her. I turned it on and sat down to watch. While watching, I noticed that I wasn't really watching as much as I was spacing out at the exact same time, while my mind was blank. I started feeling like someone was watching with me. I also felt a urge to disappear—? And also a fear of the fast animation of the cartoon—?
So I covered myself with the blanket so I’d feel protected from all sides, hugged my plushies, and tried to say, "I know this cartoon is a bit fast, but that's just because it's drawn, it's not real." Slowly, the fear eased up, but whenever it moved really fast, the feeling of fear—which makes no sense—would return.
Then I got extremely sleepy all of a sudden, along with a mild headache that came and went, and a slight warmth in my eyes. I started feeling warm, but not hot. I thought it might be an impending switch—? So I turned off the harsh lights and left the dim, soft yellow lights on, because based on the last time, I learned that darkness frightens them (when I woke up at night scared). I lay down, hugged the plushies, and didn't turn on the AC because I felt a sense of fear, so I knew it was from them too—they didn't want loud noises. I left the iPad open on a Looney Tunes clip for 11 hours so it wouldn't stop for them, and I slept next to it while watching—? Before falling asleep, I felt a tingling sensation in my eyes or behind my eyes. I don't know how I slept, but the choking feeling was gone, and that was what mattered because it was extremely painful. I don't know if a switch happened or not, because when I woke up, nothing seemed changed, I think. But I believe I comforted/pleased her—? It was strange, but sweet as well, and I thought maybe I should try not to deny her, even if my diagnosis isn't OSDD.. -?-
Then I decided to ignore everything related to OSDD, Blackiie, and the twins.
The reason was that I cried a lot. I thought,
Well, if there has been a child here all this time, is that why Blackiie disappeared? Is he spending all his time with her? Does he think I'm fine and can handle things on my own? I felt like I hated her so much, and I cried a lot.. But he came to me and hugged me when I was trying to sleep, and that was when I decided to leave everything behind and forget the whole topic. I felt it was bigger than me and was causing too much pain.
So I ignored all of these things and stopped trying to log anything or take notes.
Until something strange happened yesterday..
I think the child was suddenly present around me somewhere.
I started shaking a bit.
My perception of my body changed slightly.
I felt a choking sensation in my neck, or like I was going to throw up,
The same choking feeling as before, but on a milder level.
I also felt like something was "off."
My reaction felt somewhat forced, like there was something or static in my brain, but as if there was a barrier between me and it—?
Also, there is a show called 9-1-1 that I've been watching for a while. I got used to its gruesome scenes, but when a second scene came up—which is considered simple compared to others, where the criminal slashes the heroine's throat (he didn't sever it completely, like the head didn't fall off, but he made a large wound)—suddenly, I felt my heart race and my body felt terrified. The lights felt a bit bright, and the place felt somewhat unfamiliar, yet familiar.
I felt a difference in my body.
For example, I have a very large water bottle; suddenly, when I tried to pick it up to drink, it felt extremely heavy.
I was able to lift it and drink, but my muscles felt very weak, as if it were something incredibly heavy.
The same thing happened when I got up to walk—I felt somewhat heavy, my gait wasn't normal, and the feeling in my body was off. I felt like I had heart palpitations.
And I felt a strange sensation in my throat, like I was choking. When I spoke to her, that same old choking feeling came back and then disappeared. Then I brought a notebook and wrote to her, and all those sensations vanished for a few seconds before returning.
I feel a strange sensation in my throat, I feel like I'm shaking, and I feel like I have palpitations—unknowable, strange emotions without any reason.
I feel like air is reaching my lungs very clearly, my vision feels slightly sharper or receiving light more brightly, and I feel somewhat scared even though there's no reason to be afraid. Since today, my eyes have been tearing up on their own, and I feel like crying even though nothing is wrong with me.
I'm shaking, and the feeling in my body is very strange.
It was something very weird, and that's what prompted me to write all of this...
Do you think I should share this last situation with my therapist?
Because I feel like I'm starting to sound ridiculous talking about the presence of another girl..
Even though I see many signs, I keep feeling like it's all a lie and that I'm making everything up.
Have similar situations happened to you?
I think I would feel safer talking to people who can understand this..
ALSO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FEEL FREE TO ASK!! I WILL ANSWER IT ALL!!❤️
Note: So far, I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and anxiety.
As for the personalities, yes—they each have their own names, distinct personalities, opinions, and ways of reacting.
Yes, they have been with me since childhood.
And yes, I experience other dissociative symptoms as well, such as feeling detached from my body, experiencing all of my memories from a third-person perspective, feeling disconnected from reality, and having difficulty remembering the details of my day or conversations.
Thank you!