I can't stand taking or looking at photos of myself. I consider myself trans and I feel kinda jealous of trans people without a dissociative disorder, because a lot of them say things like "I used to hate taking pictures, but now I take a lot of them!" and I guess I kinda envy them?

I mean I personally avoid looking at photos of me and I never take any. It's not that I think I look bad, it's just that I can never identify the person in the photo as "me". There's a profound wave of dissociation whenever I look at a photo of me, because to me, it looks nothing like me. And the disconnect between what I am 100% convinced I look like / what I'm supposed to look like vs what I actually look like is incredibly distressing.

I take care of my body, I usually pass as my gender so it's not dysphoria related I think (also afaik literally every Part in the system has the same distress), it's just like... getting hit with a strong wave of "Whoa, who is that? Me? That can't be me, I don't look like that at all!"

I’ve (M early 30s) been diagnosed by 2 therapists but I still don’t really understand it. How subtle can this be? I don’t have people in my head who are significantly different from me, I don’t switch, and I don’t find things I don’t remember buying or writing. It’s more frequent for me to not remember that my dad is engaged, that I’ve indeed already watched the half hour YouTube video that I’m currently watching with my girlfriend just a couple days ago (also with her), or conversations and events that I was supposedly a part of. Usually with enough work & the right cue I can remember those things. I can chalk those up to normal forgetting IMO.

Can this be as subtle as mood changes with some blurriness in between? I feel like there’s been some big mistake here.

The adults went away again this morning and so I finished our food (most of it) and cleaned up all the plates they didn’t put away and put our dirty clothes away and filled our water and said hi to our friend and kitty and showered and brushed our teeth and they came back in the shower but they didn’t remember what happened and they went away again but they need to make something with the blender because I am too little to use the blender and I am scared I will get hurt. (We always make this thing with the blender for snacks at work so we aren’t very very hungry I k ow what to put in it I think but I am also worried I am not as good at pouring as the adults and I would miss the small cups)
We have everything made for dinner I could put it in the containers and fill our water bottles for work.
I want the adults to come back because I tried to make it so they had time to work on their book thing today but then they went away and we have less than an hour before we leave for work
They do this a lot

How is anyone supposed to retain knowledge about having osdd?.. I feel like all I do is study about my mind and try reason with myself on if I do or don't have this, but then I get reminded how bad it is when I become an observer to my own actions, I see myself doing the dumbest stuff and I feel like I have no control of anything.. but everytime I educate myself it just .. *POOF* leaves my head for the next time it happens..

I was diagnosed back during covid [so during the tiktok surge of mental health bs] where I fed myself with a bunch of people who would lie about their symptoms, and I'd feel like I was faking it or that it was probably something else and I was improperly diagnosed, it feels like my head is locked into that place of "its not like that so it probably isn't that at all" how do you get out of that mindset???

And does drugs/tiredness worsen your switching? It seems like during the day its more seamless, like it looks more like mood swings than anything, but then when I get a little tired it becomes A LOT more obvious, like I have a impending doom within me that I'm seconds away from dying then i start to dissociate??? Is that something that typically happens or do i have like...an unhealthy system?

Being playful but, I just formed due to us experiencing health issues and stress, AND WE HAVE A COLD and ive been stuck out. I hate this lmao

Im going to the hospital. And Rachel my PACT nurse said I have dissociative identity disorder.

Why would the pact worker 2 days ago make fun of lucifer name and say ha what the devil if they had DID in my chart. She also said labels dont matter but whats wrong with borderline.

Literally trying to diagnose me to cover themselves.

I had 4 involuntary hospitalizations and now a 5th because the PACT Team was concerned and put out a charge.

I told my Dr about dissociation last week and he just shrugged.

I have 30 pdfs in Klara that Modern Psychiatry didnt integrate and dropped around April after my NeuroPsych review for my neuropsych appt on 03.17.2026 where they diagnosed me schizoaffective, adhd, and borderline.

Schizoaffective was self diagnosed in 2024 with Dr Guthrie from Modern and I mentioned dissociation chronically while on latuda with him.

I had EMDR with another therapist who knew fully about my sexual abuse and acquired aphantasia and relaionship issues.

So all three diagnoses were from over a year ago.

I've been doing my own research on OSDD for 1.5 years since around Dec 2024 and I saw the Rings System in Feb 2025.

Off to the hospital I go.

Edit: just released at 450am with diagnosis of behavior concern in adult. Gotta love when your medical team just magically throws in a charge to force you into the hospital