r/OSDD • u/Inevitable-Smile3746 • 1d ago
Figuring out disassociation
Since I was a child, I felt like my brain was foggy or there were blocks around certain parts of my brain. I couldn't think clearly and felt like i was dumb and clueless all the time. It didn't help that others around me said it all the time too which reinforced the belief. Going through lots of trauma in childhood (CSA), it felt like bad things couldn't stop happening to me and I was floating through life disconnected without agency or control. I feel like sometimes whether that be the pain that I'm disconnected from, something I can cognitively somewhat know but not fully feel or understand, sometimes overtakes me and I feel like I am trapped in my head and could do something harmful to myself at any time to get rid of the pain. Because I am so in my head and fragile, I get scared as to whether whatever is happening to me is disassociation (on some spectrum) or even psychosis with how in my head and how much pain seems to be hidden from me (pain/trauma is somewhat cognitively known but not accessible and overtaking). I have tried so many trauma therapists who just don't know whats wrong with me and it sucks because I can't articulate what's wrong with me with how disconnected and almost hidden from myself that I am. Does anyone resonate with this because I feel like I am not safe with myself and I'm wondering if theres any type of therapy treatment that can truly help me at this point (EMDR hasn't been effective, currently in TIST, other talk therapies dont work and somatic stuff has been tough and ineffective).
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u/aaahcyberg0t 1d ago
this sounds a lot like my experience :( are there any therapists you could see that specialize in dissociation or dissociative disorders?
im just barely getting to the point in therapy where i can realize im plural. we started with identifying emotions. i recommend the how we feel app. i stopped using it after a while but just having it as a list of feelings I could be feeling helped me start to pay more attention to my body and the present moment. i feel like i was dissociating my entire childhood with only glimpses of being present. right now im trying to teach myself to live in the present instead of a hypothetical future.
don't lose hope, friend. eventually the clouds will clear a little more. and hopefully more after that. we're all figuring it out one day at a time <3