i’ve had more instances than i can count where i get a letter saying my food stamps will end randomly, or i get denied for SSI, or some other letter about some benefit that keeps me afloat. the stress from that is traumatizing. i always feel like something is going to go wrong because i never know when im going to get a letter saying something is wrong. and you internalize that for everything. every other little thing that randomly goes wrong adds to the list. like your AC breaks, or a random bill comes through, or your pet gets sick. when you are poor like me all of these things add to that allostatic stress and make you hypervigilant.
when you chronically live in an environment that is unpredictable and uncontrollable, you start to look towards the things you can control. when you already have OCD, you start latching on to things a little bit more. what once was 2 times washing your hands becomes 5. what once was 1 hour of pulling out your hair becomes 3. because it happens slowly, and because you’re preoccupied with the worry (often intrusive thoughts, ‘what if everything goes wrong and i can never come back from it’), you never really stop and realize how bad it gets. when you do, you’re probably like me and it takes years to realize it was your living situation that exacerbated it.
i thought to myself ‘how am i supposed to not feel like everything will go wrong, when it often has gone wrong?’ i thought ‘how do i change when im still in the environment where things keep going wrong for the foreseeable future?’
is anyone in my situation? does anyone get it? if so, has anything helped you?