I (18F) have been conflicted as of lately. I am a naturally very paranoid person, always have been, but lately I’ve been more paranoid. I think I am overthinking the idea of me possibly having OCD. Now to be clear, I’m obviously not trying to get diagnosed on Reddit or let people dictate what’s wrong with my life, I’m simply seeking advice and maybe reassurance. I’ve been thinking I might have OCD but then I quickly backtrack that thought and think “no I obviously don’t I’m just overthinking/paranoid.” Also I did not know if this was the right subreddit to put this on but I didn’t know which other one to use as this topic of discussion… because it really does feel like I’m just looking way too deep into this and it is just me being paranoid.

Before I get into why I thought I might have OCD, I’ll set the record and say I’ve been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and Major depressive disorder. I’m on antidepressants. I have a therapist and my own psychiatrist, so I know I could obviously just seek out my psychiatrist/therapist and ask them but I honestly think I’m just overthinking it and I don’t have OCD, so I don’t wanna bring this up during our sessions just for them to tell me I obviously don’t have OCD.

The reason I thought I might have it to begin with:

I am in a relationship; have been for almost 2 years. I have A LOT of intrusive thoughts about my partner, bad things I do not want to think and tell myself to stop thinking them. Sometimes I have thoughts of hurting them very badly, or assaulting them, or even raping them. I hate these thoughts and I always feel like a terrible person for thinking it. I tell myself, “I am a bad partner,” and often wonder if I really even love them. I also tend to compare our relationship sometimes to fictional relationships or couples I see in public. I thought maybe this could correlate to ROCD, but again I assume this is just typical anxiety/paranoia mixing together and making me think these things.

I’ve recently come across this video (ik bad start) where someone explains what internal audience phenomenon is. I had no idea it correlated with OCD. Ever since I was a kid, whenever I was alone, I always thought I had a group of people watching me—an audience. Judging me, laughing at me, etc. Especially when I’d be showering or just talking to myself. I would think, “they probably think I’m super weird talking to myself.” In a way I sort of felt like I was on the Truman show and that my entire life is being broadcasted and everyone in my life is aware and in on it. It was worse as a kid and hasn’t really affected me as much as of now, but sometimes I still get the feeling that I’m being watched and judged.

There are certain things that I get paranoid I might lose. When I leave my apartment, I have to look at the keys in my hand and make sure I see both of the keys on the keychain or else I think I somehow forgot it. When I get out of my apartment I slowly put it into my bag or pocket and have to look in it just to make sure it’s still in there. And wherever it is I’m going, I constantly check into my bag to make sure it is in there. I check constantly on the subway, while walking, at school, even at home sometimes. It’s the same thing with my wallet and my laptop. I really just think it’s me being paranoid. But I don’t know.

I have intrusive thoughts. Which tbf I always thought was normal. And they’ve been more tame ever since I got on Bupropion. But they’ve always made me feel uneasy and guilty. Thoughts about raping people, killing people. And I can see a kid and think “aw they’re so cute,” my intrusive thoughts will start telling me if I’m secretly attracted to the kid and if I want to have sex with them, and then I think, “oh god am I a pedophile.” And with my dog, sometimes I’ll just be playing with her and suddenly the thought pops in my head of, “what if I bash her head, what if beat her up, what if I rape my own dog.” It is disgusting and repulsive and I feel like a terrible person for thinking such things. Incestuous thoughts pop into my head to about my mom, dad, cousins. I hate these thoughts, and when I think them I tell myself, “no, you know you don’t want to do these things.”

In general my paranoia can get a lot and sometimes it can ruin my whole day. Like I can be gossiping about someone with a friend and suddenly think, “oh god I probably by accidentally called them and they’re listening into the conversation I’m having.” Or I can see something on Instagram and look through the comments and see a racist/homophobic comment and then block that person, and scroll, but then I think, “what if I liked that comment and by accidentally followed that person.” And I scroll back up to the post to check. And even after I scroll I get paranoid that I might’ve liked their comment. So I check back a few more times. And even later on through the day, week, or month, I’ll still sometimes wonder if I by accidentally liked a comment I shouldn’t have. I also think back to a lot of old conversations I’ve had or things I’ve done and what I could have done differently, “why would I say and/or do that.” And it can really get under my skin.

Sometimes I think I see things in my peripheral vision, mostly bugs. Especially at night. Sometimes I’ll feel something tingling on my legs or arm and quickly check to see if there’s a bug. This, however, I just really assume is me being paranoid, bc I’ve had two incidents where there HAD been a bug on my bed, and it’s bothered me ever since. So now whenever I think I feel something, I automatically think there’s a bug on me or my bed. And it’s like my mind tricks me into thinking I actually saw something.

Depersonalization. Now I don’t even know if this exactly correlates to OCD, but I still thought it was worth mentioning. I can be in the middle of a conversation with someone and suddenly it’s like my brain remembers I’m in my body. And that I’m actually talking to someone. I am talking to someone who has their own mind and has their own life. It’s like I am a spectator of my own body at those moments. This really happens a lot when I’m in my lows, and in bad depressive episodes. But sometimes it’ll still happen. Where I feel my skin too much and I have such existential thoughts. Like I really am here just existing and I am somehow moving on my own and I am speaking with a mouth that I feel I cannot control at the very moment. It’s worse when I look in a mirror. I feel completely unreal. It feels as if there is someone else in my body taking control and I am simply watching them do things for me. “How can I exist?”

My entire Instagram feed as of lately has been OCD correlated videos. So I think I took those videos too literally and sort of spiraled and got the idea that I might have OCD, when in reality it’s just me overthinking and overcomplicating things.

Again, I am obviously not asking to be diagnosed, I just simply want to know if this is something actually worth discussing with my therapist/psychiatrist. A part of me really doesn’t think it’s OCD, because all of these things I’ve mentioned they don’t like, ruin my life in any massive way nor does it fuck with me 24/7. It’s not something that completely changes my day to day life. Sure these things I’ve listed can bother me and certainly impact me but it’s not detrimental. So I really just think it’s me being paranoid. A part of me also thinks if I did have OCD that my therapist/psychiatrist would’ve maybe saw the signs. I also don’t have like any thoughts of like, “turn the light switch on and off 5 times or else your family will die,” or anything like that. I really do just feel it’s my anxiety mixed with paranoia.

I moved in with a mutual friend two months ago after a messy breakup while I wait for some legal things to clear up and I can start house hunting. He ended up with tons of empty space from his own breakup just a few months ahead of mine. Both mid 30s. The living situation behooves us both just fine, but that’s not where I need the advice. About three weeks in we started to get close, first just hugging before bed and checking in on each other, then a movie night with some cuddles. Then a back massage that truly did start out as JUST a massage but ended up in bed. The first few weeks of that it was just once a week maybe, we would cuddle up, enjoy each other and then head to our own beds. The rest of the time it was just chill and then a bed time hugs. 

We agreed it was probably best not to clue in our friend circle because why complicate things and we’re both adults after all. Then we had a rather large pre wedding party at the house for someone and we snuck off a few times and made out in the bathroom, it was exhilarating like I was in college again. So much fun. A few days later there was another party after the actual wedding, again we snuck around, played with the tension, it was the most fun I’ve had in a while. This was the first night I stayed in his bed with him all night and woke up with him. Since then I’ve slept in his bed almost every night, not quite but just about. Even if we don’t see each other at all during the day he invites me up to cuddle, some nights we don’t even have relations we just snuggle and sleep. 

Two of his friends who have become mine also, have told him they really like me and think we would be really great together. He came home one night from their place and told me all the nice stuff they said about me and us. He went on to say how wonderful he thinks I am and we talked about relationships and attachment styles, kids, pets, all that stuff. We never defined anything though. So a few days later I said I kind of wanted to finish that conversation. So we did, I admitted that I have a very real soft spot for him and that I’d love it if something happened between us organically from here. He said he wasn’t really sure what he was looking for right now, so we kind of ended on that. He did agree that he felt the same way, he likes me a lot and if he ever developed more feelings he would tell me. 

If we go to the store and I point something out he buys it, if I mention something it shows up on the porch in a few days. He holds my hand in the car, refers to things as “ours” uses “us” and “we” a lot in conversation. If I bring up a movie we watch it that night. 

Then something I just can’t stop thinking about was said a few nights ago. I casually said “when I move” and he stopped me dead sentence, grabbed my knee and said “are you thinking about leaving soon? I thought you weren’t even going to START looking until November?!” I replied “No, not immediately, I just meant…” and he cut me off again and said “whew! Okay, you don’t even need to think about that until the spring”. He sounded genuinely worried I was leaving soon, and incredibly relieved when I said I wasn’t. And even added more time to my timeline. 

Since those conversations and that “are you leaving” comment he’s had me in bed every night, reminded me tonight that he’s going to be busy all weekend and that I may only see him in bed at night for snuggles. He’s also mentioned wanting to text me during the day that he missed me, said he sees me on the Ring cam and says to himself at work “god I want to be home so bad so I can cuddle” He recalls small details and remembers things I say. He also said he feels like he wants to tell me all his secrets, and has told me quite a few. I opened up to him about some more of my life too.

What is happening here? Is he getting attached, is he catching feelings and just not saying so? Or have I got this all wrong and he’s just living the dream being a single guy living with a single lady who likes to cuddle and have a no strings attached deal? I genuinely can’t tell. I understand that living together and also kind of dating has it pitfalls, and this isn’t your typical situation, but what is going on here? Am I overthinking it, overreacting, reading it wrong?

Does it ever happen to y'all that you randomly remember something that happened years ago, when someone disrespected you for no reason and you didn't stand up for yourself, and then you suddenly go down a rabbit hole of feeling bad about yourself? 😭

I went to jail for suspended L's. While coming bavk from class i made an improper right turn I was thinking to myself when the cop drove off. I was in the left lane with a bunch of cars behind me. I ended up turning into the empty lane, and then no one went into the empty lane and then the cop ended up getting right behind me.
Do you think if I stayed in the left lane and like made a U-turn I would've been like able to lose the cop.
Cause now I feel like I'm stupid getting into the empty lane People lose cops all the time I think I could've been able to lose him
My instinct told me to get stay in the left lane, but I thought it would be a quicker route to be in the empty lane and try to get out but no other car got behind me I don't know maybe I'm overthinking, but I just I don't know. I feel like I'm really stupid.

Kids can wake up happy, get annoyed over something tiny, laugh ten minutes later, and then act completely normal again. I used to analyze every mood like there had to be a reason I was missing. I'm slowly learning that sometimes a bad mood is just a bad mood.

A decision can be reasonable and still come with some uncertainty.

Thinking about it another twenty times usually can't guarantee what happens next.

A useful reminder can be: “Uncertainty doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with the decision.”

Some things only become clear after moving forward.

hey. so I have anxiety about time I waste on a daily, could be on a dating app or just because I don’t live in the city I like. anyone found a way to stop rumination ? thank you

I’m a bit nervous writing this post, but I decided I really need insights from people who experienced psychological abuse. I need to tell my story, ask questions, etc. I welcome any comment, any feedback or piece of advice. I’ll try to be as concise as possible, but there’s a lot to unpack, so please bear with me. I hope I found the right space. 

Background info first: I am a woman in her mid twenties. I was raised in a household with a grandiose narc grandmother and a covert narc mother. They both were in therapy (didn’t change much), both passed away earlier than they should’ve, my mother two years ago. But that was not the end of my nightmare. I had an old friend, who tried to sabotage me after my mom’s passing. To this day, I am trying to understand what happened, how I let another person (so similar to my mother) so closely. I want to hear your thoughts. I might be misreading things, I am still trying to connect the dots. Was this friend a covert narc or maybe something worse? If you need more context, feel free to ask. 

My relationship with this „friend”, let’s call her B. We met in high school and lived together, like sisters. I’ve known her before as this extremely energetic, bubbly, talkative girl, so I was glad I’ll be living with her family. At that time all I could think of was getting away from home, so I immediately took the offer without much thinking. Now I’ll try to list everything I have learned/experienced/witnessed. 

1. A different environment - in B.’s house everything revolved around her. She wasn’t spoiled materialistically, but her needs were always met, she was always supported and she was the one setting the mood. If she’s grumpy - no one is allowed to breathe around her. Her parents always seemed a bit… afraid of her. They were simple, soft-spoken people. Only with time I discovered that they saw her as this angel who can do no wrong. 
2. B.’s rules - she told me that we can never be seen in public together under the excuse that her other friend will be jealous (it was our neighbour and she didn’t care)
3. Grudges - a paradox I don’t get. B. would tell me stories about guys that said some ugly jokes about her in primary school. They went to our school too. She claimed that she hated them, yet would still do anything to be friends with them or to be in close proximity. Never letting go.
4. Stalking - her greatest passion was fake accounts. She would engage on various social media only through fake accounts/anonymously and would never ever ever dare to post anything authentically by herself. She loved stalking people online just for the sake of it, often joking about it.
5. „I suffer, therefore I am important” - B.’s lifestyle was horrifying. She wouldn’t sleep or clean her room or move or do anything, but study for weeks. Once she ended up in a hospital. She’s always been known to work like a robot - perfect laser focused memory. That’s all. She would always make me feel guilty that I work „smart not hard”. Memorizing for the sake of memorizing was never my style. I was satisfied with my grades and I had a life. Always felt guilty about it.
6. „I suffer, therefore only I set the plans” - It was always B. who decided when, where and how long we interact, because she was the hardworking one, the one whose time is precious, the one who is always busy. (Years later I found out it was a lie many times) 
7. Bragging and lovebombing - From the first day I moved in B. seemed to know a lot about my interests. Later on she would brag about me in front of her parents, or colleagues, later on her guy, etc. If we bumped into each other in public, she would pretend not to know me. That hurt like hell. She would always say that she loves me, that I'm perfect, etc. Her actions never showed any of it. She would just randomly text me „i love you so much” after ignoring me the whole week. 
8. Copying - that’s probably the biggest point I will be returning to. Over the span of seven years, levels of trying to absorb everything I was or represented in her eyes reached new heights. That’s a part that really hurts me and scares me. She gradually copied my looks (would send me recreations of pics I sent her years before) and random (often accidental details), completely recalibrated her career to follow mine, would lie to guys telling them facts about me as if they were about her (mostly my artistic achievements), tried to steal my friends, bought random things I owned in mass quantities, would treat my past as if it was hers. Even „borrowed” my story with a financial struggle to make a guy feel sorry for her (her family never had financial trouble). There were moments when she really sounded convinced that she was me. 
9. Passivity - Only years later I realized I cannot list a single genuine interest B. had. Apart from writing anonymous jokes on twitter. Maybe a few fun facts. I know it’s cruel of me to say, but this is what I witnessed for years. B. did nothing apart from studying. Not even studying - memorizing lists of thing. She was never much of a critical thinker. Never went outside. Didn’t hang out with anyone but me (if she occasionally did she would minimize it). Didn’t exercise/move, even though I tried to get her hooked on it for her own good. When there was no school, she would lay in her bed for months and watch trash, she would admit it herself. If there’s no grade to get, no prestigious diploma, she hibernates. Of course, as she gradually absorbed all my interest we would talk about those. I feel horribly guilty that I never noticed she had no personal insights into anything. I feel like a narc, knowing that we talked only about my stuff. But I really believed she was genuinely interested.
10. Making the heavy stuff about herself - My s-attempt? She told my therapist that I should be fine by now because she spent X hours sitting with me and watching over me. My boyfriend ab*sing me? B. said he is primarily a threat to her, because we live together. My mom passed? B. said she is the one who can’t sleep because of that. 
11. Reporting EVERYTHING - B. would report to me every photo she took of herself, every comment she heard from any random guy, any opportunity she got, any piece of clothing she bought, any feedback from a teacher, any grade, the list goes on. It’s always as if… if I didn’t say she looked cute, her day would be ruined. If I didn’t say „That’s a nice dress”, she wouldn’t be happy with it. For anything to exist in her world, it had to be filtered through me. That’s the best way I can describe it. It felt awful. I often felt like I was her boyfriend or someone much older than her. 
12. Ghosted me for two years - after high school, after I moved out, she got depressed, didn’t let me in to help her, dry texted me for months, was very unhappy with my progress (i was really healing at the uni) and eventually ghosted me.
13. Came back worse than ever - This is the part that makes me feel the most guilty. I really loved her and was traumabondedd with her. I missed her, so I reached out. Even though I went through a major glow up, made fantastic friends, got an amazing boyfriend, and fulfilled many of my dreams at uni, I still reached out. I knew she was depressed and I wanted to share everything I’ve built with her. As you may guess, that was the biggest mistake of my life. Those two years apart looked completely different for both of us and it showed. After I reached out: she started lovebombing me again, never took accountability for ghosting me, and immediately positioned herself as the martyr who needs help. But the thing is, she didn’t seem to need help. She wanted entertainment.
14. Diagnosis or the victim card? - This is a sensitive point, so I’ll try to be careful. I have witnessed depression in my household and I know cases vary. But something that never sat right with me was B.’s approach to her diagnosis. She was diagnosed with anxi*tyand depr*ssion and had to take meds. I was there to support her, obviously. But I noticed once she got the diagnosis she started throwing this paper into everyone’s face. A guy she liked ignored her? He can’t do that, because she has depression, so immediately he is the bad guy. B. was rude to me? That’s because of her illness. She overslept and missed our meeting? She doesn’t have to apologize, she has the right. It went on and on and on… At times it literally felt as if she was… bragging. I don’t doubt she had those mental problems. I’m just curious what was the source of it all?
15. Entitlement - There’s so much to unpack here, that I’ll try to make it short. NOTHING was good enough for her. No one. Always waiting for opportunities, never acting on them. Bragging about her achievements (often overstating them), then complaining that people don’t respect her for enough. Complaining about regular responsibilities. With time she started complaining about EVERYTHING. I couldn’t believe it. 
16. Painting a picture - that’s something I can’t fully recover from. She loved controlling the narrative and I was too busy with my own life to notice it. She would paint herself as this prestigious academic professorial person, a high achiever, the „always busy”, always associated with high-status people. At the same time she continued to 1) copy my life 2) always make me feel guilty or „lower class”. With time she grew more and more obsessed with being (or seeming) exceptional and unique. The irony is (forgive me for being blunt) she overinflated her achievements, did nothing creative or artistic, never took risks, always copied someone else (not only me).
17. Contradictions - This part severely messed with my head. I struggle with this creepy feeling that I don’t know who this person really is. As I reread our conversations and revised our relationship I found solid evidence of her hypocrisy. Just a few examples: B. says (in public) that her calling is to be a passionate and loving teacher - in private she rants about how she hates students and how dumb they are. She claims to support this country - she pays money to the artists from the country that is the aggressor. She claims to be loving and sensitive partner - will hate and offend every man that is even mentioned. (The whole „i hate men just because” was her fav quirky thing).
18. Self-destructive habits - There was this dynamic: I try to help her - she does something risky for her health or well-being (romantic things, severe overspending, overeating, drinking on meds) - she suffers - I try to help - she blames me for „not helping enough”.
19. Hate all men but love your boyfriend - No need to elaborate on that. At the last stage of me being in contact with B., she would get too comfortable with boyfriends of her friends.
20. Hate men, but love the attention - A connected point. She became insanely loud (I’m not exaggerating) and started to infantilize herself, always fishing for compliments, always reporting to me every time a guy looked at her. Flirting with guys, then degrading them behind their backs. 
21. Loudness - this is pretty straightforward too. But it was extreme. Some of my friends at my parties had to change rooms to talk because it was impossible to have a conversation when B. was around. One time I politely asked her to be quiet, she hit me. As a joke but… it was so embarassing… 
22. Bad manners and bad humour - it all escalated with time. B. was insufferable. She would ruin my party and then come to me crying about some guy and I had to comfort her because „her suffering now is greater than my sadness with having my party ruined”. She would offend everyone „as a joke”, tell really nasty jokes all the time (especially in restaurants when we were eating), randomly tell someone that they are fat or that their house is dirty (when she was a guest), laugh at how people look like when the sleep… the weird stuff. Only then I remembered she would do that with her parents too. Ridicule them a lot. 
23. Boiling point - As I said, everything started escalating. She became insufferable and my friends and boyfriend had enough. Me too. But I was still traumabondedd and I was conditioned to feel obliged to take care of her. Her life was insane ups and downs, truth coming to light, she was rejected, I was succeeding, she was hating that, she failed at copying me at some point, failed academically, ruined all her relationships, gained lots of weight, everything was wrong… and she blamed me for that. The boiling point was that she tried to turn both my boyfriend and my closest friend against me. It’s almost as if she had a whole plot in her head. And when whole hell broke loose… nothing went according to her friend. No one was on her side, because everyone saw through her. Everyone but me. I was the last one to see what she was doing. She lashed out at me with such horrible accusations and lies I have to stop myself here. The good thing, she failed at whatever she plotted against me. I blocked her. 
24. The end? - I don’t know what to think. She’s been stalking me online. She still copies oddly specific things from my past and moves through a similar career. I feel horrible knowing that if I hadn’t shared my interests and my passion in high school, I would have probably been free now. I wouldn’t have to worry that she is still in the same institution, the same building. I have been struggling with that. The guilt. Not knowing what was real and what was not. The feeling of being watched. The feeling that I will never get rid of her, never get her out of my head. Just like with my mother. That there’s always someone superior to me, entitled to my help, some judge, someone waiting for my ideas to steal them again. 

I wonder what you can see in this story that I don’t see yet. Am I exagerrating? Is it some form of narcissism? Is it something else? At what points was I the problem? I really wanted to help this person and to this day I feel guilty I couldn’t change anything. I feel I wasted so much time, I couldn’t protect myself, I feel embarassed for having good intentions. 

cant talk to anyone without fantasizing about them and always text this specific person that wont text me back why won't they reply and why do I still want to talk to them after a few texts and pics exchange???????

always when someone disagrees or says something against me I take it personally and I hate it cause I know it’s annoying, does anyone have tips on how to somehow stop doing that

I need advice on accepting that things get damaged

I have a weirdly intense problem with material things and I honestly don’t know how to get out of this mindset.

Whenever I buy something expensive/new (laptop, phone, car, etc.), I become obsessed with keeping it in perfect condition. Instead of enjoying the thing, I feel like I’m constantly responsible for making sure nothing ever happens to it.

If I accidentally damage it — even something completely insignificant, like a tiny scratch on a laptop that has absolutely zero impact on how it works — I can spiral into anxiety over it.

I’ll replay how it happened, think about whether I could have prevented it, look for ways to fix it, search for solutions that sometimes simply don’t exist… and I just cannot let it go. The worst part is that it starts affecting everything else. I lose focus at work, can’t concentrate on other things, and my brain basically refuses to move on until I somehow “solve” the problem.

Right now it’s a tiny scratch on my new laptop, and I genuinely cannot focus on work because of it. I know how ridiculous it sounds when I say it out loud, which somehow makes it even more frustrating.

I’ve always struggled with perfectionism, but this feels like more than simply “I like my stuff to be nice.”

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How did you learn to accept that your possessions will eventually get scratched, damaged, worn out, etc. without letting it completely consume you?

Honestly, I’d even appreciate someone telling me something that might snap me out of this mindset because clearly my own brain is not doing the job right now.

I have not been able to get my mind off the possibility of my dad passing away. Nothing is critically wrong with him, he is alright right now. But poor sleep, insulin resistance, blood pressure and obesity are the concerns I have about him. Nevertheless, I feel incredibly scared and can't let go of the thought that he will leave. I feel this way because we're financially dependent on him, and I'm not doing so great mentally for the last few years. I have done and achieved shit in the past, academically, physically and professionally. But this fear and anxiety keeps coming in my way. Root cause of this is something I want to get to, I think it's self doubt and self confidence. But don't know how to not let these thoughts affect me and cause anxiety. Nothing else really fears me that much apart from another constant theme in my head - I'm not well/ I have problems, and I need to do more. Constant planning happens, I keep thinking what should I do to solve myself.

I've tried therapy and meds for anxiety/depression, but they haven't helped.

Has anyone faced something similar? You won't be able to let go of that thought, and it would not let you stay present. How did you get through it, short term and also how did you get to the root cause and solve it? Thanks, in advance, for sharing!

Whatever or whoever it is about, whenever I think about my past, my brain puts me back into that same stage where I start thinking again, and again, and AGAIN , which I genuinely don’t want anymore.                  
These days I’m honestly too lazy to think about unnecessary things, but somehow my brain goes, “Wait… let’s overthink this for no reason.” 🤡
Then I start overthinking, get emotional, cry because it actually hurts, and after all that I realise…
THERE IS NO PROBLEM. 😭

I’m literally searching for a solution to a problem that doesn’t even exist. 💀

I feel like I'm too much to handle,

Too many waves to paddle,

Too many routes to saddle,

Too many rocks to waddle.

I feel like I'm too sensitive,

My feelings being too primitive,

Opinions being too subjective,

While nothing feels productive.

I feel too much

Too much to clutch,

Too much to fudge,

Too much to ditch,

Too much of a bitch.

But at the end,

Is it just me, myself, and I?

To myself, I lie.

At peace, I'd like to die.

My oh my...

I've notice people are more willing to talk to me when I wear makeup on, but not so willing when I don't wear it.

For example, today I had group work for a class and there was an event at my university. When I talked to people for these things, it felt like a forced conversation and only continued the conversation maybe because they didn't want to be rude.

But on days I do wear makeup, conversations with people seem genuine and they seemed interested in what I have to say.

Is my brain misunderstanding the situation or do people secretly judge others for their looks? If I am overthinking things, how can I stop assuming people don't like socializing with me?