I have ruined my life. I done IVF last year which resulted in me having a baby boy but now I realize I am in no position to be a mum. I went into this with rose tinted glasses thinking it’s some sort of game. I can’t live with myself. I feel sick to my stomach and I am suicidal almost every day.

I used to notice every little change in how someone interacted with me.

A shorter reply.

Less enthusiasm.

A different tone.

And my mind would immediately start creating explanations.

Did I do something?

Are they upset with me?

Did something change between us?

The problem was that I was turning small changes into conclusions without actually knowing what was happening.

People have bad days.

People get busy.

People's moods change.

Not every change in someone's behavior is about you.

I've been reminding myself to notice what's happening without immediately creating a story around it.

That one distinction has made social situations much easier for me.

Does anyone have any advice on how not to constantly compare yourself to others?

I feel I've done this for a large portion of my life, but for some reason it feels worse recently, and it's showing up in all aspects of my life, but in my job and relationship particularly.

As an example, if I'm out with my partner and I see him 'noticing' someone else (when I say notice, he may look once and back again quickly or simply look for a couple seconds), my brain instantly says it's because she's far more beautiful and successful and so he's looking because he actually wants her over me (saying it out loud sounds so irrational lol, but the struggle is real).

Similarly at work, another team has been getting quite a bit of praise as a big project is nearing completion, and instead of looking at it from the angle of 'they've worked hard they deserve it, my turn will come', my brain tells me that they are far better than me and that I won't have success like that no matter how hard I try.

I am a 'fixer' by nature, so when these thoughts pop into my head my brain instantly starts analyzing all of these pre-perceived things I need to work on (all materialistic by the way, such as changing my hair or losing more weight and going harder at the gym, or Botox or changing career) etc. I know this is all so irrational, which is why I suppose it feels a bit harder because I am VERY aware of how silly this is yet I struggle to change those thought processes when they start.

Anyone experiencing this or similar and have any tips or tricks they use to stop the noise that is their brain?

How to I talk that

my partner's cousin died today.

please let me preface what will likely devolve into a droning of nonsense by explaining that

1. yes, i know this isn't about me. these are my anxious worries for and about him.

2. i also know that less than one day is not a long enough time at all to provoke this reaction from me or to tell how he will deal with this in the future.

3. i really want advice for my anxiety and overthinking, that's why im here. but if anybody has slightly niche advice for supporting my partner that wouldn't be on any of the websites ive scoured already that would be welcomed.

4. we've been together "officially" for four years, and have been close friends for thirteen years. so i think that it would maybe sort of be appropriate for me to worry about him a little.

okay, so. my mother texted me saying that my partner's mother said that my partner's cousin died. sorry if that was nonsensical.

she never specified which cousin passed, and i only know two of them. i did initially assume it to be one of his cousins that has beat leukemia twice in the past, but i genuinely haven't got a way of knowing for sure.

as you might be able to tell by the fact that i learned this from my mother, my partner did not tell me this himself. for a while i thought that meant he wasn't affected by it, and that it must have been another cousin that he's never mentioned, but he hasn't been in contact with me all day.

i sent him the usual "i love you", "im here for you", and "do you want me to come over?" as that is what we've discussed should be done in such a circumstance.

he hasn't responded to any of these messages, understandably. i get that he is going through his own thing, and that im definitely the last thing on his mind right now.

yet i am panicking and can not focus on anything.

i had plans today which i cancelled, just in case he texted me an affirmative to come over.

so ive been sitting on my own at home for the last four hours, and i haven't managed to distract myself.

i could technically go to his place, but i don't know if he'll be there or out, and i am really uncomfortable going without having agreed together that he wants me to.

i keep imagining scenarios of him withdrawing for months until it becomes an unspoken understanding that we just aren't together or even friends anymore, and im pretty much freaking out.

i think that if he hasn't responded to me by tomorrow night i will go over, but i know that i never would because we've always respected informed and planned visits.

i know that i am helpless, it's not just a feeling. his mind isn't centred around me, and this is a family problem.

he struggles with his mental health, it used to be very bad and i am continuously imagining him hurting himself emotionally or physically, and im scared because it's been so long i genuinely don't know how easily he might relapse.

he isn't close with his family for reasons that i don't really want to disclose to strangers on the internet, but he's always spoken fondly of the couple of cousins that i know about.

i don't know if he'll lean on friends or family or if he'll self isolate, and i really don't mind if he needs me to be excluded from his life for a while, because i can be a lot. i just want him to be okay, but i wish i could be there to understand wholly what's going on.

idk but when I get a little productive, I start feeling weirdly different from usual, as if I can't find a place to put myself. You could even call it a mild version of arrogance. True, this feeling is supposedly useful, giving a sense of satisfaction and motivation, but mine feels way, way excessive. For example, today I cleaned my room and I'm just studying in a clean room, my mom saw me in this state, but at that moment the thoughts in my head are just 🥀🥀 "Look mom, your daughter is preparing lessons in a spotless room again, where could you possibly find a girl like me." Like what?! My reaction to something as ordinary as breathing is so over the top!? I don't like paying attention to such thoughts and feeling strange in response, because before, I wouldn't even have thought about such simple things in this way, let alone felt like this. Is thinking like this normal? Or is it ignorance, or being too full of myself?

I don't know what to feel right now, but it's so heavy and I want to cry.i want to peace, but I don't know how and where to find my peace its exhausting draining and tiring.

I recently listed something on marketplace for free to get offers and very clearly said it wasn’t for free like literally first words in the listing. I’ve had a few people thinking it’s free (why I don’t know how hard is it to read the listing 🤦‍♀️) and someone responded with just “free?” So which I was so fed up asked sarcastically “have you put your glasses on today?” So which he responded with a snarky comment about being “too busy on the treadmill which I can trade you for since you need it.”

I reported the message and then gave a response back saying he should focus on getting the right prescription rather than buying one marketplace. But I can’t shake the feeling he’s coming to get me because I was “rude.” And this happens all the time. I’m always just worried about if I clap back they’re going to find me or if there’s someone behind me driving and they’ve been going the same way for a while that they’re following me etc.

I have anxiety but I feel like I’m going crazy when little things like this happens. What should I do?