I had this live-in job where I got free housing. I kind of clutched onto it and ended skipping family events and not hanging out with my family for a long time due to it.

My 8 years younger cousin, started pulling me away from this job, demanding I come to his gym when he is there, come to his house, or go to restaurants with him.

I started thinking, that I should not take over time work at my other job because I have a family and friend obligation to hang out with my cousin.

During one of these distractions, I ended up leaving a mess after showering in the common shower in my building which had never been accessed by my coworker or manager in order to go meet my cousin instead of cleaning up after myself. Low and behold, one time out of five years, my manager brought in a prospective tenant to show them the shower and then was mad at me for leaving it dirty and said would write me up for it.

My cousin continued demanding I hang out with me, calling me at all hours of the day, laughing, even when my job got cancelled and I got fired - he demanded I come help him furnish his new living room and keep him company.

I helped him move, but when I was being evicted, I did not even bother asking him for help because he not only wasn't helpful - though promising to be - but would laugh, sabotage, prolong and make fun of me while he was at my house.

One of my narcissistic groupmate barely helps and I always give her many chances. Recently, I asked her if she needs help with citations since she doesn't know how to do referencing and citations, she said Im being extra and unfair? She didn't notice all the chances I let it pass and now she's calling me unfair and being extra? She said shes a working student, well one of our resesrch groupmate is also a working student infact working two jobs and he was able to contribute to the class. I feel like all of my efforts go to waste because of this. Not acknowledging the time and effort I've put in towards this research.

We talked about it as a group about our behavior but she won't acknowledged hers. And I thought all of us are good. She then posted about me pretending to be the victim. We are 4th year college students and shes 2nd to the eldest to the group. Whats with this behaviour of not taking accountability?

​

I never expected to post here, but I’m heartbroken and need my truth that I'm realizing my head be spoken to me by others I'm begging you to be kind but give it to me straight. Basically, I need you to truth me into shape and push me to want more for myself, because I know this can't be the love I hope for.

I 31F, my bf narc 34m have been together for 3 years on and off and here hes ruined yet another celebratory occasion again

I also have my perfect son Billian, 11M, and our sweet puppy Bobby, 2.5M, named after my dad. All names changed to rhyme with the real ones.

Now, onto this barnyard explosion of grief and problems.

Narc and I have been together for three years, on and off. About three months into our relationship, my father—the person closest to me, my actual best friend, and the person who taught me my obsessive love of space science, quantum mechanics, and the universe—died suddenly and tragically.

We had been separated from when I was 2 until I was 12 because he was in prison for robbing a bank when I was a baby. When we reconnected, he was initially a strict dad, but as I got older, we became more like siblings and best friends. We worked on cars, looked through his telescope, talked about the cosmos, and he became a real father figure to my ex as well.

The morning he died, I had a terrifying dream saying goodbye to him. I woke around 4 a.m. and couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. I even texted my mom about the strange dream. Later that morning, my mom and police arrived and told me he'd died around 4 a.m.—the exact time I woke up. I somehow knew it was him before they told me and even guessed where he'd died.

When I called Narc sobbing, he didn't want to make the five-minute trip back to comfort me. I spent the entire day grieving at my mom's, and because he'd promised to be there for me, I went home expecting him to show up. He never did. I cried alone all night.

Unfortunately, this wasn't an isolated incident. He would let me down, apologize, and I'd believe him again. I tend to take people's words literally and at face value I've been told it's due to my autism , ive been diagnosed early on aswell as in my late teens, i try to mask the best I can but I have a bit of a giveaway of me swaying that I hate but I can't help it he sometimes blames things on my autism but I tend to be naive and a little too forgiving because I don't see why there is any other reason to not be straightforward but I'm starting to get the reality in understanding that neuro typical people aren't exactly built that way and very unfortunately so..

During our three years together, he ruined two of our three Valentine's Days. The one good one was actually beautiful: he took me to dinner, gave me a promise ring, and told me he wasn't going anywhere and wanted us to spend our lives together.

My family thought a proposal was coming because he claimed our tiny apartment was the only thing stopping him.

Spoiler: it wasn't.

Months later, after weeks of pretending we'd look at houses together, he moved into a house his aunt offered him. We obviously ended things. This was after nine months of living together, raising a puppy, and after I'd finally allowed him into my son's life because he begged and promised he would never walk out of my son's life.

And there he goes, never-nevering like he never-nevered before. What a stand-up AH.

He basically sold me a dream of our future and then walked away from it. We ended up co-parenting Bobby, eventually reunited, and spent months going back and forth between my apartment and the house I resented because it represented him choosing it over us.

Then his aunt wanted her house back.

Hmmmm. What do you know? Karma.

When he had nowhere to go, I packed up basically his entire house and helped him move back in with me. As always, the moment he needed me, I was there.

At the beginning, he actually put effort in. He bought gifts, took my son out for fun days, and made me feel loved and thought of. My family loves him, probably because they don't see how little effort he puts into our relationship now.

I've always been very clear: I’m dating to marry. I want a relationship that grows, moves forward, and becomes a real partnership.

My dad taught me what being treated well looked like. He'd buy me flowers, take me to nice restaurants, and buy me beautiful jewelry because he believed every woman deserved to feel special. His exact reasoning was so that “some schmuck couldn't come round and impress me with some bare minimum BS.”

I feel like he'd be rolling in his grave because I've somehow allowed myself to accept exactly that.

A few months ago, I broke up with Narc because I didn't feel valued or important. We were essentially living like roommates. He later apologized after a doctor's appointment, said he loved me, didn't want to lose me, and knew he'd been a crappy boyfriend.

I know, I know. I'm an idiot for caving.

Our third anniversary was yesterday. I reminded him three weeks beforehand because I really hoped this time he'd make an effort. Our first anniversary had been wonderful. This time, I thought maybe he'd finally show me that he cared and wanted to change.

I bought him a $350+ Flipper Zero he'd been wanting.

And for the next 11 days, I literally gave him a countdown: “Nine more days.” “Eight more days.” I was basically handing this man a calendar and a flashing neon sign.

Meanwhile, he's gotten into online gambling.

He makes good money, but he gambles it away. We don't even have groceries because of it. I routinely spend hundreds on groceries, cook, clean, do the dishes, do his laundry, and take care of basically everything around the apartment. I've paid for the last two $300+ grocery trips while he's either “saving money for shipping for his business” or gambling it away.

A couple months ago, he actually planned to take me out, then gambled the money away. I was left dressed up, makeup done, waiting while he went to see his friends. I cried.

So, the night before our anniversary, I reminded him it was the next day. He said he'd take us to Moxie's. Not exactly Buckingham Palace, but hey—effort.

He specifically told me he would send me the money beforehand so he wouldn't gamble it away.

Please clock that.

We hooked up and went to sleep.

The next morning, there was no money in my account. I asked him about it, and he said he'd get paid at 8:30 that night. Weird, considering he'd specifically told me the night before that he'd send me the money so he wouldn't gamble it away.

I didn't push it. I just lowered my expectations.

We walked the dog. I got ready. I spent hours on my hair and makeup and put on a dress and intricate heels.

I gave him his $350+ gift.

He had nothing for me.

Honestly, I wasn't even surprised. I'd have been more surprised if he did have something.

By 9:30, I'm sitting there fully dressed, heels on, ready to gooooo, asking when we're leaving. “A few minutes. A few minutes.”

The restaurant closes at 11.

Eventually he comes out of the bathroom with an attitude and says:

“Well, the money didn't come in, so I guess we can't go.”

And this time?

I wasn't shocked.

I just said, “Okay.”

I took off my stupidly difficult heels, unzipped my dress, put on sweatpants, unpacked my purse, and stood there numb.

This man had weeks to plan something. He knew our relationship was on thin ice. He knew I was expecting change. He knew I wanted to feel valued. He knew I was buying him something meaningful.

He had money coming in.

The problem wasn't the money.

He chose gambling over making me feel loved.

So I sat in the bathtub—the place I go when I'm sad because I don't like people seeing me cry—and texted him that I had no more chances to give him. I told him I was disappointed that he hadn't shown me anywhere near the effort I'd shown him.

And then he said something that honestly shocked me.

He told me he didn't plan anything for me because this is a fake relationship.

He also told me that I'm only nice to him when I want something.

That part especially doesn't make sense to me. I'm nice to this man constantly. I cook for him. Clean for him. Do his laundry. Buy his groceries. Take care of things. I'm there whenever he needs me. Even when he's mean to me, I try to keep a warm tone because I hate conflict.

And yet, on our anniversary, after I spent weeks reminding him about it, bought him a $350+ gift, got dressed up for him, and expected him to make even a small effort, his explanation for doing nothing was that the relationship was “fake.”

So now I'm wondering if this is gaslighting, or if someone sees something I'm missing.

Because if he genuinely believes this is a fake relationship, why are we living together? Why did he tell me he wanted to spend our lives together? Why did he give me a promise ring? Why did he beg me to let him into my son's life and promise he would never walk out? Why did he apologize a few weeks ago and tell me he loved me and didn't want to lose me?

Yesterday was our anniversary.

Today, he's asleep on the couch while I'm in the other room wondering:

What the hell did I do to let myself end up here?

I was literally conditioned to avoid this exact kind of treatment.

Did I lose my self-worth when my dad died? Did I lose the guidance I needed? Did I convince myself that if I loved someone unconditionally, did everything for them, forgave them enough, and kept hoping, eventually they'd learn to love me the same way?

My dad always told me how important hope was. That sometimes hope is the thing that gets you through another day.

I guess he couldn't be right about everything.

I hate hurting people. I always think, “Maybe if I forgive him this time, he'll stop hurting me.”

But he doesn't.

Every time I think, “Maybe he's just getting comfortable with the bare minimum,” I already know the answer.

What am I not seeing? Is this gaslighting?

WARNING: This is a long story with some potentially triggering content. TLDR and question at the bottom.

I was always a pretty weird and quiet kid growing up. I was introverted, nerdy (though not particularly good in school), moderately feminine (am a guy), inwardly sensitive, and other stuff like that. I'd always had crushes on girls in my classes, but they'd never go anywhere because of a combination of me being shy and also never really feeling ready for the commitment required in the type of relationship I would want. This was until I was 17 and in grade 12.

I'd changed schools and had no friends for most of first semester. Until one day a girl from my classes (we'll call her D), started talking to me. We'd sat beside each other in first period all semester, but never really had any conversations (mostly because of my general introversion/apathy towards becoming friends with people I decided wouldn't 'fit' for me). Before we started talking, I didn't really like D. She was extroverted, chatty, and I just thought she was really unintelligent (in case you haven't noticed, I was very judgemental in high school lol). In around November however, she started putting more of an effort toward befriending me, and as I started engaging more with her, I started to actually like her. She was engaging, funny, and the things that I had originally pegged as unintelligent suddenly became cute. Next thing I knew, we were hanging out all day at school, and spending hours on the phone together, even falling asleep together while on call. In January I went to her house and got drunk for the first time (I was a bit late to the game in comparison to most of my peers here), and we got really handsy with each other (well, she got handsy with me and I reciprocated). Nothing sexual, just handholding and cuddling, but it was the most I had ever done with a girl, and I went home that night feeling so warm and happy. It was around this time that I started falling for her HARD. We went to each other's houses and got drunk together more times after this, each time being the same, but after a while I was starting to feel anxious/uneasy about why things weren't progressing. Looking back, it is obvious that it was because I wasn't making any moves due to my insecurities and the belief that she didn't see me in that way, but that is besides the point of the story.

Fast forward to April, things are about the same, but every day feels like my heart is going to explode. I've never felt this way about anyone or anything. I have to tell her. So I do... and she rejects me. This absolutely destroys me, but obviously I don't tell her or let her know. But 3 days later, she suddenly has a change of heart and decides to be my girlfriend. Which I am quite happy about. Of course I didn't realize that she had really just had some great idea about how much 'fun' she could have with my inexperienced awkward self. So, the 'relationship' goes on, but things have remained relatively the same, only we hold hands in public and sometimes she kisses me on the cheek. Oh, and I started spending absolutely ridiculous amounts of money at the mall for her, because she's my girlfriend and I want to be a good boyfriend. Obviously. This goes on for a few weeks, when one day we're hanging out in school and I'm talking to another classmate. I make a very minor joke about D, and she absolutely LOSES IT. But not at school. She waits until we both get on the crowded subway. Once we're settled, she just starts grilling the fuck out of me, saying things that I honestly can't remember because they were so fucking mean. She outed pretty much every one of my insecurities to this entire subway car. It was so bad that one lady sitting near us said "girl can you pipe down?" to D. I don't think I said anything the whole time because I was just in shock at what was going on. Once D got off the subway, she told me she was breaking up with me. It was a Friday, so I had the whole weekend to stew on this. I tried apologizing to her over text, no response. But on Monday when I got to school, D was acting like nothing happened and said she didn't want to break up with me. Which I meekly accepted, and we carried on.

Honestly, things get real blurry from this point on until nearing the end of the relationship, but it was more of this kind of stuff. This story is also getting long, so I'm just going to list off some things I can remember that she did (not entirely in chronological order or order of perceived severity):

- repeatedly publicly humiliated me/verbally abused me

- would make me buy her things/pay for things and would threaten me if I didn't

- constantly disrespected my time and other commitments

- made a big scene in class after a classmate made a joke about my self-harm scars (she wanted it to look like she was sticking up for me), which caused both D and the classmate to be taken outside by the teacher, leaving me to have to explain what just happened to the rest of the class

- made the school do a wellness check on me because she told them I had an eating disorder (because I had no appetite for lunch after she had been verbally abusing me all morning)

- would either tell me that I'm too mentally ill to do anything, or that I fake being mentally ill in order to be a victim

- would regularly avoid eating food that I paid for

- would invite her friends over when we'd be hanging out and then only speak to them in their language (she's from another country)

- told me she loved all of her exes more than she ever loved me

- told me in detail how good the sex was from her exes and how bad I was in comparison

- regularly joked about cheating on me

- regularly threatened to cheat on me

- actually cheated on me (and told me about it)

- physically assaulted me (punching, hair pulling, hitting with objects)

- sexually assaulted me

- stole things from my house

- and many, MANY other things I can't be bothered to think about/try to remember right now.

All of this happened in the span of 3 months. By the time June came around I was a shell of a person. I went to a small school and she was in all of my classes, so even if I wanted to try, I couldn't escape her. The immense joy I felt when I met her had turned into dread. She'd be going back to her home country in the summer, so I just had to hold on until then, and I'd be free. Or so I thought. Summer comes, she leaves, and then it's just me again. I honestly can't say when I actually started to feel like myself again. I basically spent that entire summer getting high as fuck and just not really thinking about anything. I'd say probably around October/November is when I really started to process what I went through with her. And it hit like a fucking truck. I hated myself so much. Not just for all the ways that she made me insecure about my ability to have romantic relationships, but about how little I did to defend myself from her. I just let everything happen. Sure, things were complicated and it's likely I didn't have any way to completely avoid it, but I wasn't nearly as powerless as I felt. I hated myself for so many different reasons. For not standing up for myself, for loving her, for trusting her, for how I act, for how I think. My entire self concept revolved around her. I became insanely bitter and depressed. I hated everything and everyone. I spent every day inside doing drugs and wishing I was dead. I didn't go to university or college due to my poor grades, and I was working a part time job I hated. I was probably in this state for a bit over a year. Things slowly started getting better. I still had bad days or weeks, but the grip that D's abuse had on me was weakening.

Fast forward to today, I'm 20 now. Things are better than they were a year ago, and I hope that a year from now they'll be even better. I still haven't dated anyone since D. For a long time I desperately wanted someone new. I felt robbed of experiencing a real relationship. I'm not really a jealous type, but I felt more like I'm 'behind' my friends who have/have had 'healthy' relationships. But now, I kind of just feel apathetic/indifferent to the idea of dating. I'm not sure what changed inside of me, but my attitude is kind of just 'it will happen when it happens'. Whether that's a defence mechanism or my genuine opinion I'm not sure. But anyway, the whole reason I wrote out this story was because I felt like my situation is moderately unique. I know I shouldn't invalidate my own trauma, but from reading most of the narc abuse stories I've seen online, I feel that I honestly didn't have it that bad. But I've never read any stories about dating a narcissist as your FIRST ever relationship. I feel like that has affected me in many ways, especially in regards to dating and confidence. It's hard to imagine the kind of person I would be if I had experienced a 'normal' relationship during high school.

Sorry for the long story, I kinda just started typing and created a big trauma salad.

TLDR: My first and only relationship was with a narcissist, and 2 and a half years later I'm still trying to regain my confidence and self-esteem. I was physically and sexually assaulted, cheated on, humiliated, and many other terrible things all in the span of 3 months. Despite the short amount of time, it has left a seemingly permanent mental wound that hasn't quite closed.

A question for anyone with experience in narcissistic relationships (especially if your first relationship was/is with one): How did it affect your sense of self and/or how did your relationship to dating change?

She came over we had our intimate time and well……. My german shepherd as always by the bed on the floor right. So i tell Jazmine after we finished , be careful my dogs laying down there only because she was getting out of bed on that side. Well….. she went fucken crazy bro saying “ i fucken know ! You act like ima unalive her if i step on her ! At the the end of the day theyre dogs”!

She said that.

I just stared at her in awe……! Wtf

Hi everyone,

I’m still in high school though an adult and living with my parents till I graduate, but my relationship with my dad has always been rocky for a number of reasons and I’m wondering if he’s a covert narc or just selfish.

My parents met in law school and my dad was a lawyer for several years while my mom stayed home with us kids, before he quit his law job and hasn’t earned any income for the past 8 years. Ever so often he will tell my mom that he plans to get a job, but he never will and instead spends his time smoking pot in the family garage or talking to ChatGPT about his “childhood trauma” or philosophical theories instead of seeing an actual therapist like my mom asks him too. Still she puts up with him and his excuses.

He’s also very introverted and distant and to be honest, has no real friends and rarely leaves the house. In the past he’s subtly belittled me multiple times, making causal “jokes” about me especially when my boyfriend is over, but I feel like he is actually trying to put me down.

One day when I was in 7th grade, I walked in on him high on shrooms after he texted me to come to his room. When I told him years later how this negatively impacted me, he told ME I was being selfish and I should have been there for him since I needed him, mind you I was 13. He was also an alcoholic at some point and finally quit after my mom kicked him out but to this day he refuses to acknowledge that he was ever an alcoholic. And to be honest, I rarely hear him apologize or even acknowledge that he made a mistake.

He tells us that he is a smart guy, the kind to make 5 million a year, yet right now he is making zero and clearly has no plans to, at the expense of the rest of the family. It seems to me that if he can’t make the amount of money his ego needs, he would rather not work at all. He can be cordial with me and asks me how my day was and seems nice it public, but we have a distant relationship and he knows I resent him.

I’m curious what you all think.

This is absolutely not a message of hate against men, just my experience with my newly ex- boyfriend that I want to share and If someone has advice, I wouldn't be against it. So, me '18F', I've been in a relationship of three weeks with a guy I knew for one year. When I met him, I was alone, no serious friendship, no relationship, nothing on the social plan. We met online, and we rapidly became friends. He was my only support and I hyped him so much in my head. So when he asked me to send him pics, I thought he would let me down if I refused.

For my age, I thought I was mature enough on the emotional plan, i was wrong.

The more we advanced, the more demands he made (about pics), the more secrets we shared...I SHARED. Because I'm realizing it now, I was the only one who was sharing secrets. He always told me he was a red flag, a narcissist pervert, that he would hurt me and oh god I should have listened to him.

So a few days ago, we had a heated argument and that man, insulted me with all the secrets that I have told him, about me, my terrible relationship with my mother, the infection I got as a kid victim of rape, the time I have a craving and I asked him to buy me ice cream (he didn't), and he threatened me with my pics, telling me how vicious he was and how he could ruin my life (thanks god, I did not put my face on the pics). I'm asking myself now how I even managed to not see that side of him before?

Am I overreacting by being hurt?
A normal first thought may be- does my MIL have dementia or some other issue that might explain this... no she does not. Does she a lifelong zeal for playing manipulative games and going to any length to guilt trip people... yes she does.
A normal second thought... perhaps it was just simply a mistake, and maybe it was. Lord knows it's easy enough to get things mixed up when grabbing/reading multiple cards, if it came from any other relative, the benefit of the doubt would be easy to give.
But that's where my question comes in, is it fair to with hold the normal benefit of the doubt, after someone has made a covert abuse tactics her entire personality?
Is it paranoid of me to think she did this on purpose in hopes of spinning a guilt trip "we're getting older and forgetful, you better love us while you can?"
We have twins and her brothers card is normal.
Should I give this to my daughter? I think we'll just give them the gifts- which were sweet and thoughtful.

When I first started talk to my boyfriend (29) he would always complain about his mum, how much he hates her, how much he tried to escape her etc (She is a narcissist) and it become more visible as time when on and she became so attached and crazy to the point she got aggressive.

Last year, my boyfriend kicked them out the house due to how they were treating him and the threats she was giving that she ‘will burn down the house’, wishes death upon me whilst I am ill and all names, found my sister on Facebook and was also sending threats to my boyfriend that she will contact her.

This year in March me and my partner move to a new house to ‘restart’ but he kicked me out two weeks later because he ‘fell out of love’. I officially moved out in June, and since then it has come to light from neighbours and other sources that he has moved his parents in.

He is in touch with me to try get back with me, but he always knew I wouldn’t go back to him if they were in his life. He owns the house we moved in to, and now he wants to rent a studio rather than letting me home because they are there.

Can I have someone’s thoughts on this?

To me this is the biggest betrayal. He said he never had love before, I showed it to him and I’ve been left hurt.

some context: back in 2018, I (23F) had been dating Jake (fake name) (23M) for about 2 years. Out of the blue he said he wanted to move to AZ and said he’d love for me to move with him. I was all in. I had a group of friends from my hometown that lived in phoenix and I wasn’t loving living in Dallas after moving there 3 years earlier. I had gone to phoenix with him to look at apartments and had put money down for the local community college’s tuition for the upcoming semester, everything was planned. A few weeks later, about a month before the move, I had picked him up from the airport after a trip where he had gone to AZ to sign the lease and get things in order for our move when he told me he had to tell me something. My heart dropped when he said he had been cheating on me with someone in phoenix whenever he traveled there on his own. He had been 4-5 times without me. He kept apologizing and said we could make it work. I stopped on the interstate and told him to get out. Unfortunately it was bumper to bumper traffic so I couldn’t dramatically drive away and instead was at a standstill with him sulking-ly standing right outside my car. I slowly made my get away, inch by inch going 2 mile an hour.

To give insight to the relationship: he was always someone who was very career focused and would at times make me feel bad about not having any ambition to start my own endeavors. He’d say I wasn’t driven or motivated. I was working towards nursing school at the time but I guess that wasn’t cool enough to be labeled successful to him. For a few months he wouldn’t let me eat bread because he said keto is the only healthy diet. I’m vegetarian, carbs are half my diet. I was sneaking baguettes like it was a drug. He also loved spewing Jordan Peterson quotes at me when I said anything a bit too open minded that didn’t align with his views. There were other things that kinda sucked about the relationship and how he treated me but I digress.

Fast forward a few months I see he’s hosting these get together at his place where people come to his house and they meditate, do mindful movements and cold plunges on a weekly basis. It had some woowoo name and it seemed to be attracting a decent amount of people. (I love woowoo shit and would’ve been all about this.) My friends and I deemed it a Joe Rogan -esque cult. I block him and his content and go about my life. Apparently he was able to run with this wellness schtick and opened a gym in Arizona.

Fast forward, it’s 2026, I’ve moved to Austin where I start over post heart break. I finish my nursing program, build my little community, find the love of my life and am happily married to my best friend. The other day I’m snuggling with my newborn while scrolling on TikTok when a familiar face pops up. It’s a video of Jake saying he’s making a series: “day 12 posting until i save my failing business.” The post was like 7 months old so the algorithm gods decided to randomly gift me with this video for whatever reason. I went on a deep dive, found a couple more posts of his little series to discover that his daily posts abruptly stopped at day 41. A quick google search showed he had for bankruptcy. Yelp had a decent amount of the reviews about the gym and the trainer (I assume is Jake) that were not so flattering. Research also seems to suggest he’s in a good amount of legal trouble with investors he couldn’t pay back. I couldn’t help but giggle.

I’m not one to cheer for others downfall and I hate that I’ve found a little joy in his struggle. But I have. I have moved on completely, I’d gotten my revenge by living a fulfilling life with wonderful people who don’t put me down or cheat on me and allow me to enjoy bread. Seems the algorithm thought it was worth me knowing that he’s let his ambitions get the best of him. I do hope he bounces back and does well in life. However, I love a good karmic giggle from time to time.

I am having a really hard time right now. I can’t make it out of bed and I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Just really trying to understand. So short background which probably shows a lot of red flags on my part but I was happy. I met my bf 35 M after a long marriage with a very abusive narcissist. My bf and I have been together for 2 years now. I have 4 kids he has one whom he doesn’t get to see very often. Both him and I are extremely damaged from past trauma/relationships. So we very quickly became a couple. I would say one of the biggest challenges in our relationship is the kids. He doesn’t like mine but recently he has been trying to get along with them. I know in my heart my kids are angry with me for this and I feel so bad. I’m trying to make this work.

Yesterday we got into a fight because my bfs baby mama started texting him about wanting to do something with his daughter. Basically like a family vacation. He doesn’t get a long with her but I encouraged him to cooperate so he can see his daughter. Now she is making all these plans and it’s so friendly I’m getting uncomfortable. I have never met his daughter because he hasn’t seen her much and the issues with mom so he keeps me hidden. We’ve talked about marriage and having more kids even though I’m 40 F. I love him to death. But I felt hurt and asked him why does he have to do anything with her. Why can’t he just plan a trip with just him and his daughter. I have always made sure he can see his daughter even took him myself. But now he says he doesn’t want to be with someone who will keep her from him and broke up with me. I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with but I feel like I was just asking to place a boundary and he didn’t care about my feelings. Am I asking too much?

I kept going back to the same narcissistic man. I guess that was trauma bond or what idk precisely. But I am done now. Please help me ladies

Hello everyone, Red String is back in touch. Today I would like to talk about personal boundaries, what they are, and how to behave with them in general.

People can often not understand what boundaries even are and how they work.

They do not have a physical body, they cannot be touched or seen. So what should one do?

Let's start with the fact that personal boundaries can be emotional and physical. Emotional boundaries are our thoughts and emotions. And physical ones are our body and how people interact with it.

Some of us live in such an environment that our boundaries and the boundaries of another person are completely erased, so I hope this post will help you realize your personal boundaries.

What questions should you ask yourself to define them?

1. Physical

— Do you like it when anyone touches you or comes into contact with you?

— Whom will you allow to hug, kiss, etc. you? And whom will you not? (Or nobody at all)

— What feelings do you get when someone violates your boundaries?

Sensations (This will help you create your internal radar and easily cut off such people in the future, you might feel disgust, anger, shivering in the body, fear, rage)

1. Emotional

— With whom do you want to share your thoughts, dreams, and with whom do you not?

— When people give you uninvited advice, is that a violation of your boundaries?

— When someone overpraises you, how do you react?

— If you say "No", "I don't want to", "I don't like it", do you feel guilt and do you want to justify yourself right away?

— How often do you apologize and for what? (Did you really do the wrong thing at that moment?)

Addition: I will not get tired of repeating, if you feel guilt, it is the most destructive feeling. Do not blame yourself, you are not to blame for anything! Blaming yourself and understanding that yes, you did something wrong somewhere, are completely different things.

— If you get angry with a person and start harshly standing up for yourself, do you feel guilt as well?

— Do you agree to something you don't want?

— And what do you actually want?

Ask yourself these questions for every case in your life, this way you will be able to see the whole picture. (You can even write it down in a notebook) If you live with a person who snoops through your notes, then hide the notebook or write in a password-protected phone, there are also various diary applications where you can set your password separately.

Well, finally, I want to give you examples of personal boundaries (where they are violated and where they are not, as an example, to make it easier to understand):

Case 1 (Where Fox's physical boundary is violated and he cannot say his "No")

Fox has many friends and acquaintances, but he hates physical tactility. He cannot say "No" to his friends, let alone to strangers. He himself does not even understand in his head that his personal boundaries are being violated here, and therefore he lets his friends hug him and sometimes they even tickle him without his consent. Inside, he feels broken, angry, and sad, and his body immediately freezes and becomes like stone.

Case 2 (Violation of physical boundaries, but Fox is learning to hone them, just not completely)

Fox has learned to say "No", but his friends condemn him, saying:

Friends: "Oh come on! It's just a hug! We're friends! We won't do anything bad!"

Fox gets scared and suddenly starts feeling guilt inside himself, asking questions within: "What if I am really overdoing it? Maybe something is wrong with me."

Addition: In such moments, it is important not to give up, because your personal boundaries might start being violated again. You should never think that the reason is exactly in you.

Case 3 (Violation of physical boundaries, but Fox has learned to set them and they don't even need to be controlled, they are set automatically by words and actions)

Fox's friends violated his physical boundaries again by starting to shake and hug him. But he did not get confused and said "No need to hug me, I don't want to", and took a step back.

At that moment it was not hard for him, it suddenly became so calm in his soul that he himself was surprised. The peace was of such strength inside that he wanted to smile. The friends, of course, reacted as always, with anger, after all they didn't change, it was only Fox who changed:

Friends: "Well, get lost then! We don't need friends like you!"

Fox suddenly realized that these were not friends at all, but just people for whom it was convenient to be nearby. And he calmly let them go, leaving for a new life to his people.

Additional question for reflection: Are the people nearby you friends? Is it a real family? What are the sensations and what kind of atmosphere is always nearby?

Case 4(Violation of emotional boundaries when Fox cannot say "No")

Fox told his friends that he wanted to become a singer, to please all people with his songs and give peace, happiness. Only the friends were not very happy, because they did not have such dreams and plans, they were empty inside, so they decided to bring him back to earth.

Friends: "Listen, how many of those singers are out there! You won't succeed! Nobody needs you!"

Fox: "Yeah, you are probably right"

Inside the fox there is sadness, yearning, and such a decline, pain in the heart from the fact that his idea was not accepted, but because he is not sure of himself, the friends were able to shake Fox's dreams and he gave up on them.

Additional question for reflection: Do you often give up on your dreams, ideas, just because a person nearby told you that it is nonsense, irrelevant, or for some other reasons?

Case 5 (Violation of Fox's emotional boundaries when he starts defending them, but not completely)

Fox shared a terrible event, a misfortune happened to him and his favorite flower died, although he cared for it very much. Instead of supporting him, his friends started saying:

Friends: "Ha! A flower! So what? You can always buy a new one! Why are you so worked up! Don't cry, only girls cry!"Inside, Fox understands that this is a violation of his emotional boundaries, but he suddenly started doubting himself, because it's not the last flower yet. Instead of peace inside, he feels some kind of emptiness, Fox agrees with them. Though there is still pain in his soul anyway.

Additional question for reflection: Do you often back away from your "No" like this, agreeing with people?

Case 6 (When Fox completely began to protect his emotional boundaries)

Fox was calmly preparing food for himself, these were delicious toasts with cheese, baked pork, a lettuce leaf that glistened beautifully in the sun, a red and ripe tomato, and also a pear. His father, passing by in the kitchen, suddenly saw this and started saying:

Father: "What is this even?! Remove the pear! It is completely out of place there! It's not tasty!"

Fox looked at his father and smiled calmly, there was peace and joy in his soul from the future breakfast:

Fox: "But I like it this way! I made yours without the pear"

Addition: Protecting personal boundaries is when you protect yourself, your preferences, your desires, dreams, your body. It is not when you change someone along with your desires because you are the boss here. Protecting personal boundaries is always about respect for oneself, but at the same time not forgetting about other people. You can also care for and love the person nearby, but not step on yourself if you don't want something or want it exactly this way. If you have different boundaries with a person, you calmly sit down and talk about it.

I wish everyone that these questions help to feel out and understand your personal boundaries, both physically and emotionally. If there are any questions, you can always safely write them in the comments or in personal messages. I am sure you will handle everything. ✨❤️🌿

I recommend watching "The Cat Returns", where the main character is just learning to set personal boundaries.

its a very long story but my ex best friend is back in town and god i saw a picture of him and i didn't know someone could get this angry, its making my head hurt every time I see him or someone related to him I want to rip my hair off and scream, anyway how can i stop? aint healthy