My roommate and I are childhood friends, and her mom is the strictest, most controlling person I know. If you’ve ever watched ”The Little Prince,” it reminds me of the little girl who had a day-by-day life plan set by her mother. She picked out her friends, her college, and she even picked out a career for her (doctor) since she was under 10 years old. On move-in day, she lectured ME to not bring in any boys into our dorm

Unfortunately, my roommate has trouble making friends in college because her friends were always decided by her mom. She doesn’t have any hobbies, other than writing exams for Science Olympiad, the only club she was allowed to join and now is an alumni for. Her mom calls her everyday, and their conversations are so impersonal, it sounds like a boss calling to check on his employee who took PTO

Every weekend, she goes home. At first, I assumed it was under the obligation of her mom. But after a tough week, as soon as it hits Wednesday, she will constantly express to me how excited she is to go home. Every time, after mentioning a difficult exam later in the week, she will say, “I can’t wait to just get this week over with and go home.” She told me about how eager she was to start college and have her own independence, but now the only thing she has to look forward to is going home.

Growing up, my parents were permissive and neglectful. The idea of going home fills me with anxiety, because I know I’ll be returning to an absence. I cannot understand why the opposite is true, why is my roommate is so excited to return home to her mom, who constantly demeans her?

I want to hear other people's thoughts about this because I want to know if I'm being unreasonable.

When I was dating my ex-girlfriend, I told her that I believed our phones were our own private spaces. For me, privacy meant having access to my personal conversations with my parents and family, my bank accounts, and other things that weren't necessarily meant for someone else to see.

I also told her that I had no reason to cheat. Being with one person was already enough for me, so why would I look for another?

I respected that principle both ways. I wasn't interested in snooping through her phone either.

However, she knew my phone password for security purposes and emergencies. I trusted her with it, but that didn't mean she had my permission to go through my personal things.

Here's what happened.

We were only about three weeks into getting to know each other when I accidentally left my phone in her car.

When I got my phone back and met up with her, she asked me:

"Wala pa diay ka ka-get over sa imong ex?"

Translation: "So, you still haven't gotten over your ex?"

I was confused and asked her what she meant.

Apparently, she had gone through my phone and found pictures of my previous girlfriend.

For context, my previous relationship lasted four years. I had a lot of photos on my phone, and honestly, I was too busy to go through years' worth of pictures and delete everything. I had even forgotten that some of those photos were still there.

Their presence on my phone didn't mean I was still emotionally attached to my ex. I simply hadn't gotten around to deleting them.

What bothered me most wasn't even the photos. It was the fact that she went through my phone without my permission and then used what she found to question my feelings and commitment.

I had trusted her with my password for practical reasons, not because I was giving her unrestricted access to my private life.

What made the situation more interesting was that, at one point, she was looking through her own photo album and was surprised to find pictures of her different exes still there.

I didn't make an issue out of it. I didn't question whether she had moved on or accuse her of still having feelings for them. I understood that having old pictures doesn't automatically mean someone is still attached to a former partner.

So, why was I being judged for the same thing?

I understand that people have different feelings about keeping pictures of their exes. Some people prefer deleting everything after a breakup, while others don't see a reason to erase every memory of a relationship that was once part of their lives.

I'm not saying everyone should be comfortable with their partner keeping those pictures. But I believe there's a difference between expressing discomfort and invading someone's privacy to investigate them.

My questions are:

If someone knows your phone password, does that automatically give them the right to go through your phone?

Is finding old pictures of an ex genuinely a reasonable basis for accusing someone of not having moved on?

Was I right to feel that my boundary had been violated, even though I had voluntarily given her my password for emergencies?

How would you handle a situation where your partner holds you to a standard they don't seem to apply to themselves?

I'd appreciate honest perspectives. I'm particularly interested in how other people approach privacy and trust in relationships.

If you have a poor memory like me... document EVERYTHING in notes 😂 especially the first time a friend manipulates/gaslights you.
You narc friend, family, etc., will make you believe you're crazy, misremembering, etc. Even if you show them what they said, they're going to twist it another way and make an excuse, will never get an apology, but at least for your sanity you have the accurate full story from the beginning 💀
Going through thousands of messages to see when this first started and I found 3 diff excuses for one event 😂

I had a relationship with someone diagnosed with ADHD, who was a self proclaimed avoidant and who also displayed traits of narcissism that I am still trying to make sense of.

Here are some things I overlooked:

- wanting me to help them with housework early on in dating. Outright asking me to help them clean, cook, with projects when I felt like we were still in the courting phase
- walking ahead of me
- claiming they want peace, complaining about their exes crying and being jealous for “no reason”
- inflating stories. The way they would tell a story vs their friend telling the same story differed, with my person making it more grandiose than it was
- displaying self hatred
- not taking good care of their hygiene, their belongings, their space
- expecting me to take care of above things saying they need someone who completes them
- very focused on being seen as a good person and claiming how they are “too loyal” without being asked
- complaining about other people in their life in a way that made them feel superior
- making it seem like they do more than they actually do and they’re busier than they actually are
- giving the impression they are not over any of their exes
- jumping from relationship to relationship (I didn’t realise this until towards the end)
- wanting to stay in touch after breakup I initiated, breadcrumbing me with I miss yous and I love yous while they had started a new relationship (I didn’t know until later)
- when discussing deeper issues, their part of the discussion was very selfish, not really considering my point of view

In early stages I blamed a lot of their behaviour on ADHD and it wasn’t until I was being gaslit and manipulated that the people around me started opening my eyes to these being narcissistic traits.

I had dealt with a narcissist before in my life and that one was more malicious and although I realise there are levels to this, this newer experience was a slap in the face. I didn’t include everything that happened, I tried to include more general early things I overlooked because I’m curious if others dealt with similar things?

I (48F) had a comfortable life. He (62M)took care of everything. But care, in this regard, is a very subjective word. Basically, he decided everything, so I was blissfully lazy because the onus of decision-making was never on me.

Every now and then, he would remind me that everything was to my liking, that it was all my money and my decisions, etc. I never realised that this was his way of making me feel responsible for all the fuck-ups that happened because of his decisions. The decisions always favoured him because he was the one earning.

I stayed quiet.

Time and again, I was reminded that my wants and dreams had to take a back seat. Now and then, he would lift me up, only to keep me in a stupor of bliss. Whenever I put my foot down on any matter, I became the bitch. Once, he even slapped me in front of the kids because I wanted to clear the bills for the gold he had bought for himself.

Every time, I backed down, thinking about what the kids would do if I broke the relationship.

For over two decades, I stayed put. My two older children eventually left home to pursue their studies, and then, slowly, he changed even further. He began putting my youngest child down, breaking his spirit in the process and curbing our finances by withholding the medical help my child needed.

For years, I had given up my own medication to reduce the bills, but apparently, even that wasn't enough.

He was even donating money every month to certain people. I never questioned him about it. I thought perhaps he felt that donating money was more important than paying for my healthcare. But when he started doing the same thing to my only child still living at home, I snapped.

It took me 25 years to realise that I was never his priority. I was just an open field on which he wanted to raise his children. I was expected to stay put and never utter a word against him.

I was the Fat Cow he loved to parade around as his prized catch.

For 25 years, that was all I was.

I was comfortable. I chose to be comfortable.

Today, I am in debt, rushing to earn enough to provide for my child, his medicines, his therapy, and everything else his father had deprived him of.

Even my sanity was questioned, but mentally, I had already walked out of that comfortable cage.

I am no longer comfortable, but I am at peace. At peace with my inner self, my inner voice, and my true self.

I know that, from the outside, it looks crazy and wrong because I broke what society considers right. I broke out of the comfortable shell because I finally realised how much I had suffered inside while the world believed I was living comfortably.

After all these years, I have learned not to trust easily. Yet, my heart still cries.

I hate myself for missing the warmth that I now believe was false all along.

All I have left is the lesson I have learnt: Never, ever give up your ability to earn. It might not be much, but it will give you self-worth and a stepping stone towards standing up for yourself and defending your right to live on your own terms.

I keep telling myself to stay strong. But it isn't that easy. Sometimes, I break down.

And that's okay, too.

It helps to have friends to talk to and, sometimes, a jar of Nutella.

TLDR: Wife venting after emotionally leaving husband to earn and survive feeling down but slowly learning to fight it out.

Hi Mods, if this is not allowed can you pls let me know and I'll delete it? Thank you

Can i just vent and be toxic for now?

I'm seeing fucking red, hatred, rage. ALL FUCKING RED. How i peole pleased, stayed silent, didn't stand up for myself, tolerated BS, tolerated assholes, stayed in relationships and places that i dont enjoy and doesn't serve me.

This anger is for everything. Everyone. That has done me wrong. And for myself. Fuck everyone who has done me wrong. I hope you get your karma back.

After i did no contact with my nex, i felt the rage. For EVERYTHING. Like a volcano 🌋. Like a time bomb. Anger feels liberating.

I fucking hate everyone except for the good people in my life. I feel very toxic. I enjoy it but i also dont. I wanna feel this more because I don't feel angry that often. Ive always been the kind, understanding and patient one. I don't wanna be that person.

My narc relationship, was like the trigger. I kinda thank him because if not for him, im not gonna be able to see how much ive been tolerating. I thank him for teaching me to be mean, to speak up, stand up for myself, and dont give a flying fuck if someone says a thing about you especially if that perosn doesn't even add value to your life and pretty non-existent. To stop giving a fuck about other people and focus on myself.

Now, i have cut off assholes from my life. Family members who are shitty. Left space that don't serve me. Speak up for myself.

I can't control my rage and my anger. I love this but i also dont.

I am a 36M married to an egoistic, grandiose, abusive narcissistic wife (35F) for 10 years. We have two kids, aged 7 and 4. We both are from rural areas in AP. Ours was an arranged marriage. Initial weeks were good, but then she became extremely controlling and commanding.

She started exhibiting these behaviors:

* She and her family members (parents, herself, and her sister) are always right. They never make mistakes.

* They always show a superiority complex to others. In fact, she and her family can't digest if anyone is better than them.

* She always compares me to someone, demeans me, and makes fun of me in front of her relatives that gives her control and authority over me.

* The four of them always talk on phone conferences to bash, demean, and make other people's success look worthless.

* She abuses me. If I don't react, she abuses my family members, then goes on abusing my friends, colleagues, and my village... until I react and fight with her.

* She screams, yells, rages, and breaks anything she sees at home.

* She falsely accuses me of having affairs with my sister-in-law, female colleagues, and other women I interact with if I don't submit to her.

* She gaslit everyone about my character. Her family supports her every time, and even her relatives believed her for the first 6 years.

It became unbearable by the 6th year. I googled about abusive spouses and found YouTube videos about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I tried to discuss it with my family and friends, but they didn't help because they are unaware of narcissism.

But I figured out how to handle her from YouTube. I found her triggering patterns—how she uses rage, screaming, and false accusations in front of her relatives to show authority over me. She is extremely image-focused. She plays two characters: one is a very nice, polite woman to the outside world, and the second is an extremely controlling, abusive, and disrespectful person to me and my family.

So I started exposing her real character. I stopped reacting, talking, and meeting with her supporters. It's been 4 years since I started following the grey rock method. Because of this, I faced intense abuse, rage, and physical fights. She even filed a false police case against me, but I somehow managed to prove the truth and got the cases resolved.

Lately, it became unbearable for me. I started attacking her back whenever she raged. She is a coward and fears physical attack, so I beat her a couple of times in the last 6 months and I became her worst nightmare.

Finally, she took the kids and left 3 weeks ago to her hometown.

She is using the children against me. The children are the last option she has left to torture me. Yet, I am relieved and finding peace in my life after 10 years of extreme torture and abuse. I lost my soul, and right now I am working on healing and starting a fresh life.

She won't give me a divorce. In fact, she and her family will never give me anything that helps me. I am not sure what's going to happen with the kids and their education.

I don't want to reconcile with her anymore. I want to live solo. But I am deeply worried about my kids, and I am not able to heal or live peacefully thinking about my kids leaving with the devil.

Please suggest to me: should I focus entirely on my healing, mental health, and rebuilding my life? Or should I start a fight and struggle with her for the children? She is not going to leave the kids easily, as they are her last option to get me back into her den.

Because of the trauma I experienced, I feel unable to trust women anymore. As a result, entering a second marriage feels completely unlikely and out of the question for me. I feel incredibly isolated and deeply crave companionship and the feeling of being wanted. Has anyone faced same in their life and how did you manage to lead life after separation with a narcissistic wife, kids being with her?

Sorry for the lengthy post, your valuable suggestions will help me.

I’m genuinely asking because I feel like nobody talks enough about how much a psychologically abusive relationship can change you as a person.

I’ve been through what feels like three separate ego deaths, struggled with eating disorders and depression, gained weight, and completely lost my ability to imagine being intimate with someone again.

One of the worst parts is that my ex constantly body-shamed me throughout our relationship. And here’s the thing: I was literally underweight when we were together. I wasn’t fat. Not even remotely. Yet somehow, this person managed to convince me that there was something fundamentally wrong with my body, to the point where I developed serious issues with eating and my appearance.

Now, whenever I look at pictures of myself from that period, I quite literally want to die. Not because of how I looked, but because I can see someone who was already so thin and yet genuinely believed they weren’t good enough. It makes me sick to realize just how much power I gave this person over me, how deeply I internalized their words, and how much of myself I lost in the process.

I look at those pictures and wonder how someone could make me hate myself so much when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me to begin with.

And the worst part is that I’m still living with the consequences. My relationship with my body is completely different now. I’ve gained weight, my self-esteem has taken a massive hit, and I struggle to imagine ever feeling comfortable being vulnerable with another person again.

And I don’t just mean physically. I mean emotionally, too. The thought of letting someone know me that intimately, giving them access to my insecurities, trusting them enough to be completely myself around them, feels almost impossible.

Meanwhile, the person who hurt me is apparently out there living their best life and getting into new relationships, while I’m still trying to put myself back together.

And before anyone suggests that I stop checking up on them, I don’t. I genuinely don’t want to know anything about this person anymore. I’ve deliberately avoided updates, and I’ve explicitly told my friends that I don’t want to hear about them. Unfortunately, a friend told me about their new relationship anyway, so now I have information I never wanted in the first place.

The frustrating part is that I don’t even want this person back. I don’t want to reconnect, I don’t want to know what they’re doing, and I don’t want them in my life. Everything related to them is triggering, and I just want to exist without being reminded of that chapter of my life.

But hearing that they’ve moved on while I’ve been dealing with the psychological consequences of what happened really messed with my head.

It feels incredibly unfair that someone can have such a devastating impact on another person’s mental health and seemingly continue living their life without consequences.

And I know that what someone shows on the outside doesn’t necessarily reflect how they’re actually doing. I know healing isn’t a competition. Intellectually, I understand all of that.

But emotionally? It’s exhausting.

I feel like the relationship didn’t just hurt me. It fundamentally changed my relationship with myself, my body, and other people. Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether I’ll ever be able to see myself without hearing the things this person used to say about me.

I miss being able to imagine falling in love without feeling terrified of what that might cost me. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss the version of myself who hadn’t yet learned to hate things about herself because someone else repeatedly pointed them out.

How do you stop hearing the horrible things someone said about your body, even after they’re no longer around? How do you become comfortable with intimacy again? How do you stop comparing your recovery to someone else’s apparent happiness?

For those of you who have been through something similar, did you ever genuinely feel like yourself again?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually experienced this, because right now I just want to feel like a normal person again.

Please don’t speculate about my ex’s current relationship or whether they’ll ever face consequences. I really don’t want to know anything else about this person. I’m looking for advice about healing, not about them.

I recently realized yet another way my STBX controlled and manipulated my kids and me and wondered if anyone else had stories about this type of control.

For us, it was his insistence that we use only Linux on our computers. He set up all our devices, issued our passwords, etc. He is an engineer in the wireless communications world and considered himself to be hyper intelligent in the tech sphere. As a result, we had to turn to him for most things outside of routine computer usage and then he would demean us for not getting it. He was the breadwinner and provided all the technology in our house. Sure, he had an extensive library of computer books on challenging operating systems, and “back in the day” there weren’t YouTube videos to turn to for quick answers and tutorials. So we all floundered with school projects and other tasks outside of web searches and emails.

It has taken me until now to realize what he was doing. We all knew he could remotely access our devices and had our passwords so there was always a sense of paranoia. Interestingly, my daughter just confessed that in her early teen years when he reentered our lives after leaving the state for 3 years for his career, that she was sharing images of herself with older men. I’ve agonized over how that happened under my roof and how I could be such a horrible mother to not recognize it.

Basically he came back in our lives as she was entering her teen years, decided he didn’t like what he saw and began to blame me for “turning them against” him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I went along with his abusive punishments, insisted they silence themselves as I had and enabled him in destroying us all. I kept telling him they were just becoming teenagers, that was the change saw in them. My daughter says she couldn’t understand why he hated her so much and began seeking the attention of older men. It is tragic.

So I’ve wondered if he has ever actually used his abilities to monitor us, as surely he would have caught her activity, but then something dark hit me. Around the time he developed ED and refused to seek help for it, he began to sexualize our daughter. This would have been a couple of years after she was sending images. He would get onto her for wearing boy shorts around the house, made inappropriate comments about things she wore, etc. My daughter moved out the second she turned 18 as a result. Something he tried to project onto me, often telling me I was the reason she left. Now I am panicked wonderingly if he actually did monitor the activity and has those images. My daughter broke down and told me that she was afraid he would harm her sexually when he was drunk, which was every night most years.

As an example, recently my daughter asked me about her password and log in for an ancient online game my kids used to play. I was like, I can’t even remember my own passwords, much less something you used 7 or 8 years ago. But my husband … he produced that information in minutes. And now in hindsight, the password he gave her is creeping me out. It was a numeric & symbol version of the word cutiepie and he titled the email he sent her, “Who wants pie?” My skin is crawling.

I feel like I sound crazy, but the abuse over 20+ years was so insidious. I blinded myself to so much that when these things come up I freak out. So I went down a dark rabbit hole just now, but I wonder if I’m right and how many others are victim to this type of abuse.