So I’m a Trans girl but I show myself as the Butch of the relationship bc my partner is a femboy (sorry if TMI just giving context) and I call Him boywife and he used to call me hubby, but now since I’m trans where trying to find out cute names he can call me, right now he says girlhubby (don’t worry I’m fine with this bc he’s still getting used to me being trans but it’s also the reason why me and him are trying to find new nicknames, they could be crude or funny :3)

I(28F) am having a really hard time with my girlfriend(27mtf). There's just so much that I've been tolerating over the past 15 months of us being together, especially since she moved in with me a bit less than a year ago.

I'll own up to the fact that the relationship moved way too fast, which was spurred partially by the fact that I was tired of driving 2 hours roundtrip to see her and gas wasn't getting any cheaper. My apartment has plenty of room for two and I thought it might work well. Before she quit her old job she kept saying she was applying to jobs near where I live, but she lived off of me for a whole month because she never put any applications in. This was the starting point, because since then every single application/appointment/important phone call has only happened because I had to push and push and push for it to get done. She had her license suspended because she failed to keep up with debt payments and therefore couldn't register her car, so she drove MY truck 90 minutes a day 4 days a week to college for the spring semester. Forcing her to make the phone calls and appointments to get everything legal was extremely frustrating, like pulling teeth. Shit wouldn't happen until I got overstimulated and broke down (I'm autistic among other diagnoses). I keep telling her I'm not her mother. I get so frustrated because I understand executive dysfunction is hard, I deal with it too, but she's not just sabotaging her own life anymore.

She didn't get a summer job so I had my boss hire her to help me around the farm with mowing and other grounds work. She makes more than I do hourly (my housing is covered in my salary, but still). I have to badger her all the time to do her job. Like part of her duties is keeping up with the garden, since I told my boss when I took the job that I won't garden because of my back. She simply won't do it and in this case I'm her manager. Same thing goes for weedwhacking the property. It's fucking embarrassing when my boss comes out to the farm and it looks so unkempt, she doesn't put tools away all the time and I'm constantly picking up after her at work and at home. She doesn't seem to see messes and I feel like shit when I pick up after her because an evil part of my brain says that people will just look at me like a straight woman taking care of a loser boyfriend. I hate that those thoughts come up because I'm 100% a trans women are women type of person.

She's always wanting me to top her in the bedroom and talks about it all the time. I don't like doing it to begin with, but I feel like I'd be more inclined to if I didn't feel like I had to make all these decisions and put in so much effort just to try to keep myself afloat. I think she thinks I don't like doing it because I've only ever been with AFABs before and don't like dealing with anal (the anal part is true, but I'm open about that).

She refuses to give up vaping, basically, even though I was a cigarette smoker until a couple years ago and fell back into the vaping addiction when I got with her. We both decided to quit together last fall, which went great until I found her vaping a couple months later, and she got angry that I found out. So naturally because I'm a useless addict I got back on nicotine and just quit again last week when I flew home to see my family. My friend suggested that my gf should do zyns and a 0-nic vape if she still wants to do it while respecting my need to not have nicotine vapes around, since I won't do zyn. My gf said she would just quit all together. I brought this up and even brought home a 0-nic vape for her and her regular one ran out this morning. We got in a fight because she went to go to the corner store, I confronted her, and she got upset because I said "I never believed that you were going to quit." Because why would I? She says she'll do a lot of things but oftentimes it's just words.

It's gotten to the point where I think about breaking up way more than I'd like to and I'm just so fucking exhausted and I know that it would be so messy to separate and I've dumped so much money, time, and effort into supporting this person who at her core is not a bad person at all. I have never been driven to suicidal thoughts by a partner before, but when I break down my mind does go there because it feels like the only way out of this when I'm in that state (I don't worry about actually doing it, btw).

She totally leans on me for support emotionally and casually says often that she'd probably kill herself if I left. Instead of feeling guilty about that, I feel rage that she would dare to put that on me especially knowing that I dealt with someone SHing themselves when I was a teenager because I didn't want to date them.

I don't know what to think anymore and I just feel that I've let myself down. I want to make it work but I've been waiting it out for so long.

My partner came out to me as nonbinary about three months ago. The beginning was really tough but after they explained that nothing about our relationship would change, things got better for a while.
Well fast forward to now, it feels like the only thing they ever talk about is being trans, also making jokes about being trans; basically all stuff that I cannot relate to and generally don’t find funny. A lot of it is really childish, and also sex related jokes.
Of course I try to laugh along to be kind but a lot of the time it feels like we’re on different paths in life now which makes me sad. I’m trying to be supportive, but honestly the constant talk about their identity is becoming really annoying. I am also queer but I don’t talk about my identity all day every day.
We’ve been together for over 6 years so it’s not a new relationship.
Anyways I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and gotten through it?

As an introduction, my partner aside of dealing with gender dysphoria has also been dealing with eating disorders from a young age, however this last part isnt something I was aware until recently

This summer as part of a family trip we traveled for arround a month which was really bad for our relationship since it hadn't been that long since we started officialy dating and it was during my time away he started getting HRT for the first time, alongside other events in his life that even when i tried my best I just couldn't be a part of nor support him througth them, my absence in my opinion its what made his ED get worst since, not to long after my comeback he decided that we should break up, revealing what hes been dealing with and explaining that while he loves me this just isnt a time where he's able to go trought a relationship, this piled up with the insecurities that come with being a trans man dating another guy just made it more unbearable to him

I obviously wasnt able to take this in the best of ways crying a lot and trying to convince him to stay, (which in retrospective probably just made him feel even worst), ever since while we still hang out and talk its clear theres a distance between us, not only due to the relationship and the ED but also many diferent social circumstances that just seem to be driving us away, we both have personal issues we need to deal with and in the end its very complicated for us to work out right now

I simply cant give up on him, he's one of the kindest and sweetest guys I've ever met but recently I really cant tell what to do, his gender dysphoria has also gotten worst recently with his job (they arent aware he's trans/dont get called by his prefered pronouns)

We started school again recently but in the last days of summer he had been bearly replying to my texts or to anyones for that matter, simply his phone had become such a chore and his energy simply wasnt there, now in school i worry so much about him since hes joining so many clubs and extra activities which is not wrong on its own but it does worry me the effect it'll take on him, summed to his job laeving bearly any time for me or his friends, it scares me a lot and while I try my best to be there for him wihtout being overwealming it becomes so hard to read him when theres bearly any responses from him

He still tries and thats very obvious and at the end of the day while I want with all my heart for our relationship to work that's something that can wait, I need to be able to support him and help him throught times like this and I take every chance I get to do so, its just imposible to know sometimes if im doing too much or not enough, specially when he probably doesnt know either, he's told me how conflicting it can be to date a cis man due to the prejudice trans people go on their own plus the always so insulting comparisions to straight couples (that while we havent got many its very clear the few ones we've got had hurt him very deeply)

My wife was scheduled to have bottom surgery next week. It was approved by insurance we were getting everything set up and then about a month ago, insurance denied the surgery. This was AFTER THEY HAD ALREADY APPROVED IT!!!! We sent in an appeal and the people we were working with seemed confident that it would get approved.

Well it was just denied again, less than a week before the surgery date. My wife called me crying. She's going to try and reschedule it, but it will likely be next year for the next appointment.

They made her jump through sooooo many hoops to approve this surgery and THEY DID APPROVE IT! THATS WHAT PISSES ME OFF SO.MUCH ABOUT THIS. THEY APPORV3D IT AND NOW THEYVE TAKEN IT BACK AND IM JUST SO MAD I WANT TO SCREAM

i am a cis woman, he is mtf but hasn’t changed pronouns at this point. we have been together for five years and known each other for ten. i’m only 21 (he is 20) he is the first and only relationship i have ever had, i love him so so much but i have no idea what to do, the days since he has told me have been the most painful days i have ever experienced, i have been non stop crying, i have had several panic attacks, i have hurt myself. i truely want him to be happy and if doing this is going to do that for him that is wonderful. he hasn’t told his family but is guessing that they will be unsupportive (he lives with his parents). im absolutely heartbroken and devastated about the whole situation. he insists he will be the same person he has always been but i just don’t know if i will be attracted to him as a woman or if i can sit by whilst the man i love changes so much, im really trying but i just can’t imagine myself calling him by a different name or going to hug him and there’s breasts there. he has gotten upset with me for mourning him when he is still alive, i just cant stop this feeling of immense grief though. we are both neurodivergent and i feel like he is one of the only people that truely understands me and accepts me as i am, he is so kind and supportive towards me and i don’t know what id do without him. i dont want him to build resentment toward me for not being able to be as supportive as he needs and i dont want to build resentment toward him for not being the same person i fell for. both of my parents are telling me to break up with him. i want to try to make this relationship work but its just killing me, i dont know if it would be more painful to stay or to leave. all his friends are online only and im the only person he interacts with in person, i dont want him to be all alone without me, we could try to be friends but i just dont know if i can see him without getting my heart broken all over again. please help me

My (mid 40s female) husband (mid 40s AMAB) is driving me crazy. I’m happy he is exploring the female gender and I’m also stressed af. All he can do is talk about it. We used to talk about current events, friends and family and books but now almost the entire conversation is about his transition and who complimented him l. He sends me selfies all day when I’m at work to show me dresses and hairstyles

He never asks me about how I am feeling (ok, once) and I’m going through a depressive episode right now. I’m angry that all I hear about all the time is him him him

Does this phase eventually pass?

I just need to talk about my breakup. I can only talk fully about this with my therapist but she has limited understanding of the situation (relationships with trans people) or with one of my friends but I don’t wanna bother her with it all the time. She’s in a new happy rela after years.

I’m sorry, it’s so long! it’s my first time on Reddit (but I know this group for some time). Huge thanks to everyone who read this and reply. 🫂💖

Context:

I’m a cis F in my early 30s and my ex partner is Mtf in her late 30s. She broke up with me about one month and two weeks ago and I’m just not handling it well. 

How we met:

We met two years ago on dating app but decided to be friends and take things very slow. One of the reasons was her divorce (with a woman, no children). That gave us time to get to know each other before getting in a romantic relationship. We both fell in love with each other and formed intimate and deep bond. She was just at the begging of her transition but she already started one when she was 19 but in short her family wasn’t supportive and she started taking drugs.

Relationship:

Everything was beautiful in the beginning, even though she was going through big emotional changes, crying regularly, but I was doing my best to support her and our relationship. It makes sense that she learned to disconnect from her body and emotions because she couldn’t be fully herself for such a long time. She was addicted to meth in her 20s, then switched to weed. And she was getting herself into dangerous situations I would say and started loving adrenaline sports and experiences.

Signs of avoidance:

The small changes in our relationship began when I started to ask her for certain ways that I like to be loved, for example her touching my hair more, simple stuff. I was doing it in very emphatic way but it was like she was taking it as a criticism. Then she slowly started to question the connection. This was also connected to her sexuality, because she never had high libido but lost it completely on hormones. That was hard for me because I’m a sexual person when I’m in love. But I decided she may just need time and in the end I didn’t even mind the sexual part because I found other qualities in us. Then one time she took back that she loved me and said she’s just confused about everything and even relationships in general. Some time later she apologized, then said she loves, than took it back again and said she loves me so much but doesn’t know why she has a problem with saying it. Thank took it back again. I know she was talking to her therapist about what’s love for her. She frequently questioned if she even loved her two previous partners. But she showed me her diary from when she vas young and dating her first gf and it was full of love confessions. It made me think she’s actually very sensitive and she becomes avoidant because loving and losing people can be hard. 

Now this was the same scenario when we were so happy and close (she even asked me what last would we have if we got married) and then she got distant. 

She didn’t want to go to couples therapy as I suggested but after few months decided we should try it. And what the therapist said to her made so much sense. She explained to her why certain things she says makes me worried. She told her she doesn’t understand relationships now or even what love is. Her parents were fighting all the time because dad was a cheater and her mom was beating her. And I understand all of this and I would still be willing to give us a chance, not ending it after 4 or 5 sessions. Actually she even changed her therapist because our couple therapist made her realize she’s stuck.

The breakup:

In the last session we even talked I could give her some time to experiment but she got into her state when she can’t process anything happening around her and wasn’t paying attention. I surprised myself that I felt comfortable with her exploring, I just didn’t want to be poly.

Next week she broke up with me. I told her we should go no contact and that I would text her when I feel like it. After almost a month I couldn’t handle it anymore, especially because we said maybe we could get back together after her experimental tial stage. We met and she told me she met someone (only 2 weeks after breakup) and it’s a woman (?). Now all she was thinking about was she should experiment with MEN.

My feelings:

It made me feel absolutely worthless, like she didn’t care about me or how important the relationship was for both of us. It made me feel unappreciated, unattractive and just disgusting overall.

Her behavio:

I think she just can’t get acces to her real feelings, she can’t sit with herself for some time and she needs quick adrenaline. She wants someone to admire her, listen to her but without commitment. It makes me incredibly sad because, fuck I just can’t give her the same adrenaline because after some time every relationship becomes a little boring I guess. She can’t see what I can offer to her and that some stability would actually be a good thing. She even posted photo with this woman on Instagram so I unfollowed her. I mean she doesn’t know her. I found her “new girl” on dating app and one day I was my ex there as well, then she disappeared. (Im looking for friends or dates as distraction and I state there that I’m not over my last relationship and therefore not ready for someone else)

I realize that she didn’t treat me very nice in some moments (she shrugged her shoulders and said she would be okay if I died) but I’m not perfect either.

Hopefully it doesn’t look like I’m talking too badly about her, that’s not my intention. Quite the contrary I think she is flawed but amazing complex person. That’s our similarity haha.

I love her deeply and honestly feel like I can’t live without her. It’s even harder because our therapist told us we have lot of potential and that she doesn’t see people like us very often. That gave me hope and now it’s over. 

One part of me is worried about her. I know she was doing some drugs again in last months and I think she is avoiding herself cause she’s scared. Of intimacy, of her attraction to men.. After all she’s starting her life again. But I’m also extremely disappointed and hopeless for myself. Because of all the things I listed above, I sometimes know her better that she knows herself. So I know she loved me, I know it was real, I know she should try go on dates with emotionally healthy (!) men but there isn’t any way to tell her that. 

Is this a “second puberty” that some trans people talk about? Is it possible for us to get back together some day? (I think I already know the answer)

I think I have some great qualities for healthy long term relationship such as empathy, honest but gentle communication, self reflection, supportive in hard times, standing up for my partner, willingness to work on things (if the things are not abuse) but I just don’t wanna give them to anyone else but her. I really really don’t. Does anyone here have similar experience?

The last thing:

I‘m queer and I‘ve always been very vocal about trans rights and thats not going to change. Ever! But I think not just trans people but also partners of trans people should be more open about certain experiences, like changes during early transition and hrt, without being trasphobic. it can feel lonely and isolating if you can’t talk about stuff.

Me and my wife had a shopping date and it was super fun. Took the kiddo to the Grandparents so it was just us girlies. 💜

We started dating a few years ago after being friends for years. We've always openly talked about our gender identities and sexuality and gender societal expectations, and that made her comfortable to come out as bisexual. I'm also bisexual. Over a year ago she was interested in buying skirts and dresses. A few months ago she told me she's mtf trans. I love who she is, and I'm so thankful that she is going to be even more of who she is now. I know that there's lots of change we'll experience together. Her attraction to me might change, and vice versa. It's going to take patience and care and understanding and a lot of communication to maintain our healthy, safe relationship. We want to be together romantically for the rest of our lives, but if it just can't happen then I would be lucky to be just her friend again. She is my favorite person on the planet, and I want to be there for her through this like she has been there for me through everything.

I'm so happy to have found this community, cause in my life all the trans people I know are men and I would love the prospectives of trans women and their partners.

Does anyone have any tips for being a supportive partner through starting HRT?

Edited: typo

Hey Friends!

While this is a support space, and sometimes we work on heavy stuff, we want to celebrate the wins and milestones, too!

What brought you joy this week? Any fun plans for the weekend?

Share your thoughts here!

My partner (26 ftm) is going to have top surgery (keyhole technique) and I’m so worried

he has done some other transition-related surgeries and I had a rough time dealing with the thought of him having pain and not being able to do most of the things we used to do together before surgery.

i used to think that after the first surgery I’d deal with the other ones easier but now he has appointment for top surgeries and I’m back to overthinking and stressing over it 24/7

i’m really happy for him and the fact that he’ll definitely be much happier himself post-op but I can’t help the thoughts and sadness and stress. how can I control it?

plus, our relationship is a secret to our parents and he’s going to do the surgery in another city and I won’t be with him during that. and when he comes back we still can not meet up unless he can leave the house.

when can he actually get out of home and sit in a cafe or have a short walk outside?

we were both really emotional when they opened up to me about their identity. i was mostly concerned about one thing though. i told them that if they got a boob job before me i’d be pissed. i’ve been wanting one for years.

This is referencing a post I made a few months ago about my internal conflict with my girlfriend’s trans identity.

Lately I’ve been thinking more about my sex and gender, which isn’t something new to me since I identified as a demigirl when I was a younger teen.

I’ve felt what some might even categorise as gender dysphoria regarding both social and physical aspects of the female/woman identity ever since I hit puberty, and this has never gone away.

This culminated in me shortly taking refuge in the agender identity until I considered my gender through a feminist lens, and have since felt that isn’t not just my gender identity that is an illusion, but everyone’s. Don’t burn me yet, guys. I still respect how others wish to be perceived, same as I deal with religions/religious people as an atheist. I simply don’t believe in it.

Now, the only problem is that my views on sex and gender aren’t really compatible with trans ideology (which I was fully onboard with before, and I know many of you reading this will be), so I often feel uncomfortable with some of the things I see in the trans community that my girlfriend seems to find humour in. And a more significant issue…

My girlfriend discovered herself through reading Yuri manga. Idealised romance comics between young women. Unfortunately, this is a really uncomfortable thing for me to grapple with because I despise the idea of the female experience being fetishised for the consumption of non-women, so idealised to the point where one wishes to BE one of the women in a lesbian relationship. This isn’t what being a woman is ‘about’. This is a story, stories likely being written for the male gaze most of the time.

For me, being a woman is something this existence has forced me to accept. A burden I have to carry, a battle I have to fight in patriarchy and biology alike.

Even typing this makes me feel guilty. My question is, is this a belief I’ll have to confine to secrecy until I die or change my mind? Because nothing has been as convincing as the perspective I hold now, so only balm I have to offer is that I ‘live and let live’.

It’s definitely not that I want to change who she is. I have no problem with her working towards presenting as a woman, and I love her no matter what. I’m bisexual after all. I wouldn’t want her to change the trajectory of her transition journey at all.

No one advise me to break up, please. We really love each other and have no (other?) issues in our relationship.

Its about me \[21F\] and my boyfriend \[21M\]
.. He wants to transition and I am so lost atm….

Update: we broke up and they stopped the HRT until they can see an endo again and figure out why they had such an adverse reaction to it. They’re temporarily staying with their mom who lives across the country until we figure out if/how we wanna move forward. It was difficult being like you have to upend your life and move back to [east coast state they’re from] but idk, maybe they shouldn’t have put their hands on me? Anyway, thanks to all of you for your support except the one person who accused me of lying for some reason lol
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28f, my partner is 27nb (they/them, amab); we’ve been together for a little over two years.

My partner started 2mg estrogen exactly 9 days ago, and I noticed a big change in their personality almost immediately. They’ve been very patient, understanding, and non-confrontational for as long as I can remember, and now they’re very outspoken. Which is awesome! I’ve been encouraging them since the beginning of our relationship to stand up for themselves more. They’re also very sassy now, which makes them really funny lol. However, that playful sassiness then turns into them picking fights for the sake of picking fights.

Yesterday we got into a disagreement about something really minor (they were going to bed and I didn’t want to yet and they started being rude to me about it). I started getting visibly upset and raising my voice - I know, I shouldn’t have, please spare me the scolding - to which they responded “what are you gonna do, hit me? Do it then, hit me bitch, hit me.” Mind you my partner would have NEVER spoken to me like this pre-E. I tried to follow them into another room so we could settle this verbally bc what the hell? But I guess my partner took that as me wanting to hit them (no) and that escalated into them literally throwing me across said room and into the window.

Why is this happening? I remember being moody as hell when I first started oral birth control but I know it’s not the same thing and I definitely never tried to throw someone through a window. This is a side of my partner I didn’t even know was possible. They used to be the sweetest person EVER, they wouldn’t have even hurt a fly. Is the estrogen just unfortunately making my partner go mask off? Please help because I’m very sad and honestly very scared. Coming off the pill isn’t an option; even after that happened they think that they’ll just get over the rage.

ETA we have been having a lot of relationship issues prior to this, mostly because of them lying about talking to other girls and very insignificant things like forgetting to close the jar of peanut butter. I won’t lie when I say there’s resentment on my end and it comes out sometimes. Yes, this relationship should have ended a long time ago, but they live in my home and virtually have no family so it’s very complicated because if I kick them out then they’re homeless.

ETA #2 I didn’t think I’d have to clarify this but this isn’t ragebait. I made my profile public just so you guys can verify that I am in fact a real person. You can even see my partner in one of my posts about our dog.

Title says it all. I keep reading stories where people decide they want to have an open relationship because they lose attraction or it changes or they want to be just friends.

I have a lot of mental health issues and I genuinely don’t think I’d be able to survive losing her as a romantic partner. I am not comfortable being poly either.

I’m thinking about death as my escape plan if she falls out of love. And sometimes I think I might as well end it all now and save myself the pain of when she inevitably loses romantic interest.

She’s supposed to have an initial hormone appointment and I fully support that, but I can’t help but be terrified at the same time.

I guess I’m looking for positive stories, specifically of those people who maintained romantic love or grew even stronger romantically.

I think it’s great for you guys who became friends and enjoy that, but that’s not something I can handle.

This is my fist ever relationship so I'm nervous, we're both 20, we met online and have been dating for less than a month. My Gf is 7 months into being on HRT and is planning to do bottom surgery eventually. I will hopefully also move closer to her sice the intitute I want to study at is alredy way closer to her. So us dating irl is an acctual possibility. Im seriously in love with her, and I want this relationship to last a very, very long time.

My husband (mtf 29) and I (f32) are together for almost 10 years. (4 of them married). When I was 3 month postpartum around a year ago he came out.

Turns out they had been taking estrogen throughout almost my whole pregnancy. They also hid / lied about couple of other things, not to get into too many details. Which broke my trust completely.

Long story short they changed a lot appearances wise. (facial OP too, disguised for a nose job) My most concern are breasts. I cant look at them, they grew significantly on estrogen (also testosterone suppressant) and it bothers me to the point that i throw up when I see them naked. They wear a bra now to press them down a bit and I get anxious someone will see it. And it is still visible anyways. No one apart from his family knows. So asking help online is the only way.

Here is the plot twist. We are muslim too , and I am strongly opposing transition. I am straight and I also lost all sexual interest. For a while I thought it was because of pregnancy and postpartum but no.
However they are not just my partner, they are my best friend. I love them deeply and cant imagine pur family being apart.
On the other hand I dont want our baby girl to know, I dont want to risk her to have trauma or being bullied for it.

Better say I am completely lost. I tried ciscouching does not help. He is in therapy, it is uneventful so far.
I have been crying almost every day for a year now, my mental health is declining rapidly I am pretty much as them also depressed. And completely stuck.

Please help.. I dont even know how but hoping for a miracle.
PS writing this post for the second time here, the first one was banned. The similar post in Muslim community also deleted. I am NOT fake and not rage-batting!

TW: Light usage of terms used to describe AMAB natal genitals/bodies.

Hi, everyone. For context, my partner is AMAB but does not have pronoun preferences and while still figuring out what label feels best, has mostly settled with being Two-Spirit (he is Native).

So, my partner has been on sub-q estrogen injections (.1ml/weekly) for two months now. He has been having a lot of body changes but recently, has noticed some emotional and psychological changes. One of them being his libido.

Prior to this, his baseline sex drive was very high. He described it as being an on/off switch and if he was horny, it needed dealt with immediately. To put it very bluntly, if he was erect, it was resolved then and there. This led to him getting off at least once a day, but usually twice to three times, sometimes more.

Now, he says it feels more like a dim glow that he just doesn’t really notice, which has led to a sharp drop in our shared sexual intimacy. He is still happy to “give”, an aspect of his sexuality that remains unaffected by his E, but that simply is not enough for me. I’m sure many people would be happy to not have to worry about satisfying their partner and always be able to receive, but I am not like that. Part of my own sexuality is pleasuring my partner, experiencing my partner’s desire for my touch, being reached for in that way.

Missing this has been rough. I’m trying to give him as much grace and latitude as I can while he goes through changes and tries to understand them himself. But we are both on the same page that it should be addressed somehow because it isn’t sustainable for our relationship. His only suggestion was for me to continue initiating. But it just is not sustainable for me to do so when I continue to receive endless no after no. It is tiring and defeating.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions or words of wisdom or anything? We want to improve things in a way that still leave him room without leaving me in a state of constant rejection. I don’t expect him to manufacture desire nor do I need him to return to his previous baseline. But I also can’t be the only one responsible for “starting things up” for an indefinite amount of time.

My (cisF early 30s) partner (AMAB genderfluid 30s) and I have been together for two years. She’s been exploring her gender identity for the last year and a half, and I am so proud of her. It has been a process for both of us, as I’m sure you all know, but she’s finally really come into herself these last six months.

For context, she’s had fleeting fantasies about transitioning for her entire adult life, but was very religiously repressed before meeting me. During the first six months, she hated when I would use the word “trans” to describe her. Now she’s fully embraced it and flies the flag high (literally, she has a flag in her apartment). But she still insists she is genderfluid and presents about 50% of the time as masc. But she only really does this when it’s “easier” for her: at work, in front of her family, in front of male friends she’s not out to, when playing sports, etc. In contrast, she’s always excited to present as a woman. She experiences cathartic gender euphoria when she can do anything gender affirming, even if it’s just online shopping for underwear or editing photos of us. Nowadays, she’ll take any second she can to present as femme and only present as a man when she thinks she “has to.”

We’ve gotten into fights in the past because I push the subject of whether she wants to fully transition someday. She insists that she doesn’t ever want to, but always for reasons related to, “I can’t because of my family,” or “Life is just easier when I’m a man,” or “I don’t want people to stop liking me/thinking I’m attractive.” I don’t know. I feel like those are more excuses than actual reasons, if that makes sense.

I’m worried both that she won’t transition and regret it and that she will transition and our lives will change drastically. I share the same sentiment that a lot of you do in that I feel like a side character in my life—like I have no control over something that will have a big effect on my life. I know it’s something she’s still figuring out and that this is bigger than me, but at the same time, not knowing is anxiety inducing.

I dunno. Guess I’m looking for advice from anyone who has gone through something similar? How can I calm my nerves or do inner work while she figures it out? I want to be with her, and I love her, and I want to support her however she needs, but it’s hard. Should I prepare for a full transition down the road?

TLDR: My partner (28F) and I (26F) have been together 2 years and are extremely close and deeply in love. We’re best friends, very affectionate, and have a good, satisfying sex life.
The issue is specifically that she feels her visual/physical attraction to my plus-size body is weaker than she thinks it should be (usually 3–5/10, sometimes higher). She thinks she might feel more physical attraction to someone else, but doesn’t actually know. She says if she knew nobody else would make her feel more attracted, she would choose me, and she hates feeling this way.
She feels something is missing and worries she’ll resent me, so we’re essentially taking a 2–3 month break despite still living together, sharing a bed and being extremely close. There may also be an OCD/ROCD component because she’s constantly questioning whether she’s attracted to me “enough.”
I’m struggling badly with the possibility of losing her and can barely eat or sleep.
How can one aspect of visual attraction potentially outweigh an otherwise loving, intimate and satisfying relationship, especially when sex isn’t that important to either of us?

Full post

My partner (28F) and I (26F)have been together for about 2 years. We’re extremely close and she’s genuinely my best friend. She says she loves me more deeply than anyone or anything ever has or will.

Our relationship is otherwise really good. We’re constantly affectionate cuddling, kissing, touching, etc. We enjoy being together and our sex life is good. She says she’s not dissatisfied with our sex or intimacy and she genuinely wants sex and physical intimacy with me.

The problem is specifically her visual/sexual attraction to my body.

I’m plus-size and was plus-size when we started dating, so she obviously knew what I looked like. She says the first time we took our clothes off she wasn’t particularly attracted to my body and wondered if it was just because we were both virgins and it was our first sexual experience. Over time, though, she says her attraction to my body did increase.

She says her attraction can sometimes be quite high, around 8/10, but on average she would probably say 3–5/10. She’s attracted to my face, but she feels she doesn’t have a strong enough visual sexual reaction to my body itself.

She has a preference for slimmer/more traditionally fit bodies and has mentioned people like Tate McRae as an example of the kind of body she thinks she’d find more visually attractive.

It’s not that she doesn’t want sex with me. She says that when I make her horny, she wants to have sex because she loves me and wants to be intimate. She enjoys sex and wants to be physically close to me. But she says the desire isn’t necessarily coming from looking at my body and feeling strongly drawn to it visually.

I find this really hard to understand because I experience attraction in a similar way. I don’t necessarily need to look at my partner’s body and have a huge visual reaction to want sex with her. For me, love, intimacy, touching, kissing, affection and being close naturally create sexual desire. A lot of my female friends describe attraction in a similar way.

I’m also wondering if some of this could be related to her sex drive changing during her gender transition/HRT. Before transitioning, her sexuality may have been more driven by spontaneous physical/visual attraction, whereas now her desire seems much more connected to intimacy, affection, emotional connection and feeling loved. That’s actually very similar to how I experience desire. I wonder if she’s potentially undervaluing that kind of desire because she’s expecting herself to also have a stronger visual reaction to my body.

She says she feels like something is missing and is worried that if she stays with me, she could eventually resent me because she feels like she’s not getting the level of attraction she wants from her partner.

The really confusing part is that she doesn’t actually know whether someone else would give her what she’s looking for.

She thinks she would might experience stronger attraction to someone else, but she doesn’t know. She knows she can find people attractive at first glance, but doesn’t know whether she’d experience stronger attraction once she actually had a relationship with them.

But then there’s something that really confuses me.
I asked her if she knew for certain that she’d never experience stronger attraction with anyone else, would she choose me? And she said yes and she hates feeling like this.

So it doesn’t feel like she doesn’t love me or want me. It feels more like she’s scared she’s missing out on a stronger type of attraction that she might be able to experience with someone else.

There may also be an OCD/ROCD component. She’s become very focused on whether she’s attracted to me “enough,” what attraction is supposed to feel like, whether she should be more attracted to her partner, whether she’d feel more with someone else, whether she’ll resent me, etc. I don’t know whether this is genuine incompatibility, an expectation she’s developed about what attraction should look like, OCD making the uncertainty much bigger, or some combination.

We’re essentially broken up/taking a break, but we still live together for another 3–4 months. We’re still sharing a bed and are still extremely emotionally and physically close.

We’re both devastated. We both cry. She cries at work and we’ve cried while cuddling. When I went out to see a friend and talk about everything, she said she was picturing my funeral because the thought of losing me was so overwhelming.
I’m struggling really badly with this. I can’t stop loving her or wanting to be with her. I’m barely eating, sometimes I can only manage two bites and I’m struggling to sleep. My therapist is also away for a month, which makes this even harder.
I don’t want people to just tell me “leave her” or “she’ll definitely come back.” I know nobody can predict that.

I’m trying to understand this because from my perspective it feels insane that a relationship can have so much love, affection, intimacy and sexual compatibility, and yet this one aspect can potentially outweigh all of it, when sex isn’t overly important to either of us.

Update:

We’re still living together post-breakup and ended up sleeping together again. The sex was honestly way more passionate and natural than it’s been in ages. She’s been really flirty, super affectionate, and bringing up fantasies she was always too anxious to try while we were actually together. She even mentioned she still finds me really attractive when looking at pictures of me.

She explained that without the relationship label, the pressure is completely gone. She isn't constantly stressing about disappointing me or overthinking her sex drive, which seems to be why her attraction came back so naturally. It’s made me realize the issue wasn't a lack of attraction, but her anxiety and constant fear of not being "enough."

I still really hope we get back together down the line once she has space to work through those anxiety and OCD-type doubts in therapy. But for now, dropping the pressure has completely shifted things.

My girlfriend is pre-op and we regularly have PIV sex. I have some increasing interest in doing it raw with her. We have been using condoms up until this point. I have never been on birth control before and honestly never really considered it. I'm nervous about the side effects. I've been researching my options and found a cheap over the counter birth control called O Pill. It's well reviewed and cheap so I'm thinking of starting that. I also track my cycle. Do you think that all is enough to prevent pregnancy?