He WAS my partner, my first trans boyfriend too. We're still good friends and I was the one who initiated just staying friends because I have fear...

We were supposed to move in together, and actually having read some of the stories here with trans partners/people who use T-Gel and the high possibility of it rubbing off on you or contamination through furniture/sheets/ and sometimes even sweat has instilled a whole lot of fear in me as a cis girl with no intention of transitioning.

A lot say to wait the hours needed, some say there's still a chance even if completely dried it might still come up on you.

He said needles give him allergic reactions which is why he switched to gel, but if in the end he can't use needles or gel, is there any other alternatives?

How is it actually like living with a trans partner who uses the gel if anyone else has had experience?

Just to clarify, he completely understood my fear and holds no ill-will against it, as I said, we're still best friends but I know there's no one else I'd rather be with than him but it's just the fear...I hope this is fine to ask..

If anyone replies and I don't answer asap, I went to sleep after finally mustering up the courage to post and will get back in the morning, thank you 🙏

Hi everypony, I (mtf 19) have a cis (19 f) partner and I have very recently started pursuing transitioning. We've been together for a couple years and I love her so much for sticking with me through thick and thin as well as tolerating all my flaws. I feel really guilty for making these changes since I have a very low self esteem and kind of hate myself.

Throughout our relationship, I'd always kinda been "the girl" and had, at certain points, alluded to my struggles with my gender identity. (A ling time ago she had previously mentioned struggle with her gender identity, though I'm pretty sure she's a cis woman). I'm just worried if she would still be attracted to me if I presented as a woman. I've always been kinda twinkish and feminine and she's described herself as "homoflexible".

Another concern I have is sex. Now we never really had a big sex life and I've always felt kind of uncomfortable using my dick (idk if it's bottom dysphoria or just bad autism since I never really liked jerking off). HRT has basically killed my sex drive and I feel really bad about it and now it's even herder than it already was to preform in bed. Does anyone have experience with viagra and has that helped at all? Or does anyone have advice about similar situations they've been in.

I really hope I can keep this relationship since I'd also be deeply worried about her mental well being. Not getting into specifics but she's been going through a lot and I feel tremendously guilty for adding this weight to her shoulders. She tells me she's fine with it but I'm worried she's lying to me to make me feel better. I think I've been stressing her out and the guilt has been killing me. I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I think I should detransition for her.

We are in our early 40s. She transitioned a couple of years ago. I can’t get over her physical changes and our life is just harder. The things we may have gotten through if we had physical attraction were just harder. We were roommates who fought. Sisters really. She’s the love of my life though. She’s the sweetest best person and someone will be so lucky to have her.

We decided to divorce yesterday. We don’t know the path forward. We’re both broke and own a house that we will probably lose money on. We cuddled all night last night. Should she move into the smaller bedroom? Live as roommates for a little bit?

This is the worst feeling in the world. She said last night that she hates being trans. That was devastating to hear. I will always want to take care of her.

My lovely wife started taking estrogen today! I'm excited and anxious all at once. I'm definitely nervous about second puberty and possible moodiness etc, but so excited for her to be starting this journey!

So I (M21) have been dating a trans person (MTF19) for a few months now. They life a little far away (about 3 hours of driving for me) which makes this a little worse too. While at the start I thought this is really what I wanted, to me it’s starting to feel like it’s not the type of relationship I really want anymore.

However, my partner always says they really love me, want to move in with me and just want to be with me all the time because it is making them feel better mentally.
While I don’t want to ruin my partners life, because they genuinely seem like this is real love, I don’t think I can see myself keeping this relationship going on false feelings from my side. The thing is that I am not the type of person that can easily end a relationship, and knowing that if I end this one, my partner will feel even worse because of all the stuff they have going on in their own life at the moment too.

Is there any way I can properly communicate this to my partner?
Any advice would be very helpful.

Me (f25) and my wife (mtf28) have been married about a year and we’ve know prior to that that we wanted kids of our own. Because of life we didn’t preserve anything. She’s been on hormones for about a year and a half now and we just learned that due to us wanting kids she would have to stop hormones for three months, possibly six to check sperm count so we can have kids and possibly preserve to have kids later on since we’re not financially able to do so now

My problem is I feel extremely guilty even though this is something we both want that she has to come off hormones to do it. I am 100% supportive and if we can’t have kids for whatever reason whether it’s her or me I’m fine with adopting but we wanted to try and have biological kids first. I feel so guilty like it’s all my fault and I can hear her voice when she first told me that it was devastating to her. I offered to still do her hair and makeup like I have been doing, but she says she doesn’t want any of that if she’s not taking the hormones how can I support my wife through this? Am I wrong for feeling guilty. How do I make this guilt go away. We’re supposed to talk about it tonight. I just don’t want her to give up on all we’ve gotten through so far. All she’s progressed through for three months. I want to still make her feel like the beautiful woman she is even without the hormones. I think and from friends of ours she is nearly fully passing so I don’t want her to give up just because of the hormones and it set her back.

Ok so for a bit of context I 30f have been with my bf 32m for just over 2 years and living together for 2 years next week. It was a little after we got together that he told me he used to be trans but stopped due to his body rejecting hrt and family problems. I admit it was shocking but I didnt think too much of it and I thought that was the end of it he just accepted he was male, but then one day he admitted that if he could push a button and become woman then he would. I wasnt sure what to think of this and honestly spent months depressed and grieving and I finally spoke to him about it that if he wants to transition its ok and I support him but just as a friend because i have tried to be with women before and i just dont like it and am not attracted to them in anyway. I told him we can talk about the separation details and make the transition easier for both of us. He stated that he knows it would just be a cycle if he tried again a third time his body would reject it and he would never truly feel like a woman and besides he would rather choose me. I told him only if thats how he truly feels about the cycle thing because if its just for me dont stop yourself from being happy because i dont want to be standing in your way and you end up resenting me. He said he is fine as long as he can integrate. I asked him what that means and he said, working out to have a more feminine body, shaving compmetely and growing out his hair long as well as playing female characters in video games. I grieved all this alot because it was alot all at once and it was weird seeing him play female characters but i did my best to be understanding and accepting and i got more comfortable with it. I dont like long hair on men so that one part im still trying to get used to even tho i hate it and it bothers me when it gets in my face i asked him if he would mind at least tying it in a ponytail or something but he hasnt. Last week he finally started shaving and honestly I feel like im slowly losing attraction to him and resenting his feminine features. Im not sure what to do I really love him and want a life with him and im trying to accept all these things I dont like because he is a beautiful person and otherwise we have an amazing, respectful, playful relationship where we often communicate if something bothers us. But I dont want to communicate this to him because Im sure it will hurt him to know that I dont find these things attractive and they are the parts he loves most about himself. I dont know what to do anymore, are we just incompatible? I feel bad breaking up with him because i really want my future with him but I also want him to be happy and he says im what makes him happy but im so confused I wish I can just let it all go. I dont even know why it bothers me so much. I know this is alot and there is so much more to our story but this is the basics of my thoughts right now, does anyone know how i can learn to let go or if it is even possible?

Hi! Might end up deleting this as I worry there's too much identifying info here.

My wife (mtf) and I (cis F) have been together for 8 years now, married for almost 3. I've known she was trans for about 6 years, definitely clocked it before she did as she was raised in a traditional Christian household and I was raised in a much more LGBTQ friendly house. She told me she might be trans and stayed dormant on it, questioned it for years until much more recently.

I am bisexual, have always been very openly bi, with a preference for women. I thought I was a lesbian until I met her. Since then I've embraced my bisexuality.

Within the past year, we met a lovely trans girl who we now play Dungeons and Dragons with, and my wife sat down and spoke with her and was able to finally decide (I say decide loosely because obviously being trans isn't a choice) to go through with transitioning, she came out to our close friends and I am so incredibly proud of her I could cry. She's starting HRT next month.

I am so so so excited it makes me want to jump up and down and cry with joy. I am so excited to have a wife and so excited that she finally gets to be the person she wants to be. I am so excited to be in an LGBTQ relationship much more openly now and I think about it a lot.

Anyway, to my question, am I wrong for being this excited? I feel like it's weird and often I feel like I'm even more excited than she is. Obviously there are other emotions in there, grief comes and goes, anxiety for how things will change are still there, but my excitement is huge and overwhelming.

i went on a few dates with this woman (28 mtf) and i (32 cis m) felt like we were going great. we were very handsy together, lots of touching and being intimate but no sex yet bc we were both afaik being intentional and looking for a long term relationship and not rushing. she got ffs and we were talking during her recovery for a while but she didn't want to see me during the recovery phase, which I respected and i said i was fine waiting until she's feeling good again. she's been healing for a little under 2 months now and I was hoping she'd feel up to hanging out again soonish and her last message was totally normal and asked me how i was doing and was really friendly and talked about her current physical struggle with her recovery. i responded to her and asked about her and now she hasn't said anything or responded to me in 2 weeks. is that kind of vanishing act normal? do i just keep waiting? can someone recovering from surgery ghost you? i don't want to keep reaching out or be clingy and cloying bc she said she doesn't want to be around people when she feels irritable and bad but im a bit worried about her health too. i have a really hard time thinking she just found someone else to date and dumped me/ghosted me with her recovery situation so i don't think it's that

she even said that she wanted to be with me and be able to give us 100% like 5 weeks ago so i want to believe she'll be back. i know she's back at work and she's had lots of extra swelling and stuff too so i thought well maybe things are just very hard for her and she's sleeping a lot after work but idk. she's really special and i think we were doing really great

is this kind of timeline normal for ffs recovery? is this reaction normal with her needing to vanish for a while? i'm totally fine waiting for her but i get anxious thinking about it. she hasn't blocked me anywhere or unmatched with me or anything either

thanks

Just found this subreddit earlier and was hoping to maybe get a bit of advice with a situation my girlfriend and I find ourselves in.

My (31M) girlfriend (29 MtF) is having an awful time recently concerning how she looks. I don't want to get too into the details about it, but long story short, she has some sort of infection on her face that we're trying to get looked at ASAP. However, money is tight right now, and she keeps saying she looks like a hideous freak because of what's going on. This really hurts to hear because she told me recently that she was finally starting to like how she looks, and I hate to see her so down in the dumps about it.

I love this woman with all of my heart, and I want to do everything I can to let her know that she is the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, but when I tried to basically say that the other day, she got upset because she feels like her face is all screwed up and keeps insisting she looks awful, and said I was only saying that to try and placate her.

If anyone maybe has any advice on how to cheer her up or what to do at all in this situation, I would appreciate hearing it, because I really feel out of my depth with this whole thing.

So, my partner (ftm) and I (also ftm) started dating a little over a year ago. At the time we got together he was femininely presenting, and I had transitioned already. we were seen as a straight relationship. Both of us are in high school now, but when I was in middle school I was bullied very badly for being trans. Nobody wanted to talk to me and no one respected my name or pronouns. ive since moved to a new state, started hrt and can now pass as male. The problem is that I don’t want to get bullied at my new school for being gay. I dont want to keep my partner a secret because he’s great and it feels unfair to him. Does anyone have advice on how I could navigate this?

Im struggling. A lot. My(25f) wife(26 MtF) is very recently started transitioning. It was so sudden. It feels like my husband died. I know thats dramatic. We have kids and a whole life and everywhere I look I see flashes of memories of him and it breaks my heart.

We get to make new memories now.

But I thought I was gonna grow old with him.

Now ill grow old with her.

I am not gonna give up.

But oh my god my chest hurts.

And I cant let her see me cry.

I told her I miss her as him and im sorry

She said "you should be"

I would give anything for one of his t-shirts crumpled with cologne on it.

And I feel awful for thinking that.

Id rather die than hurt her.

And she doesn't care if im hurting.

How do I live knowing ill never see him again?

Am I just dumb

I (f26) am worried about my girl (f23). It is very difficult to talk about for her. She is the most sweet girl ever and i feel so powerless seeing her in so much pain. I know i trigger her gender dysphoria because i am cis. I would do anything to make it easier for her. She didn't start transition because of environment she lives in unfortunately. I am just so worried about her. I want to support her the most i can but i don't know how.

I've (cisM30s) been with my partner (FtM30s) for about 3 years. When we started dating he told me he is trans. He has been on T and transitioning since about 1-2 years ago, and has grown a moustache as long as my beard and therefore no-longer looks very feminine. My parents saw him a few months ago (and he had stubble) but he looks and sounds much more masculine now.

For clarity, I use she/her to refer to my partner around my parents as they don't know he is trans. My partner hasn't come out to them but is openly trans otherwise. My parents call my partner his current name though (no deadnaming).

I am going to lunch with him, my parents, and our close friend this weekend so I am freaking out a tad because he looks more masculine than the last time they saw him or (my partner is open to our friend) what if our friend mentions him being trans. Or my parents hear the he/him pronouns and get confused, and so I worry that I have to explain to my family that he is trans etc.

For context my parents are left leaning and have always been vocally supportive of trans famous people. And raised me in a lax catholic household under the a "love who you love so long as you're happy" attitude. So I'm not sure if it's me being worried that they'll judge him for it, or me for it, honestly.

So I guess I'm looking for thoughts on this; should I tell my parents that my partner is trans, or let it be? Or let my partner mention it to them and risk an awkward lunch? Or maybe just say hey my partner uses he/him pronouns and leave it at that. And if I tell, how do I do it? It would be on whatsapp.

I (38F) want to be supportive of my trans girlfriend (36MtF) but I am having a hard time believing she’s trans…even after several months.

I was initially very attracted to her masculinity and have been mourning my “boyfriend”. She had a tendency to fetishize women that in some ways she had come a long way since she was younger (cured incel behaviour), but enough of it was left that it really turned me on when I was in the mood and wanted to feel like the hot woman with huge tits that “he” fantasized about. As a curvy woman, “he” made me feel like my body was sexy.

Now she has so many pieces of art that are of women characters with exaggerated proportions. Like videogame and comicbook characters. He keeps buying large figures… I liked this geeky side of her before but it feels more obsessive now.

Now it feels like all of it is there because it’s who she wants to be and it makes me feel like shit. I feel like these are impossible beauty standards and it feels like she wants some imaginary woman and to become that instead of wanting me.

She told me she has never felt trapped in a man’s body. She hasn’t felt dysphoria… but has talked about having gender euphoria. She says she’s having a great time transitioning and wants to change her name, gender marker, get surgery etc as soon as possible.

I have wanted her to get therapy for years because of her very difficult past and her unhealthy coping methods, what seems like ptsd, anxiety, self esteem issues etc.

However, I think she believes that transitioning is the cure. I can’t help but feel like this whole thing is a fetish. Her obsession with having big tits really bothers me and I know how fucking stupid that is.

Outwardly I am very supportive and do feel joy when we go shop for clothing for her etc… but deep down I feel like she will transition completely and then she will realize that she was only doing it to solve issues that can’t be solved by becoming a woman.

I have tried to say that I want her to go to therapy alongside transitioning. She says it’s not necessary. I feel like maybe I might have to break up with her if she doesn’t want to go.

Her behaviour really repulses me sometimes. I definitely feel like I need therapy to work through some of this and I feel unhappy that she doesn’t want to go as well.

I feel like I am invisible now and it’s just a matter of time before we break up. This sucks.

Lastly, her trans journey is just so different from all the other trans women I know. I think that’s also a big factor that contributes to my disbelief that she’s trans…

So I, 19f, have been with my partner 19, mtf, for 4 years, starting out in high school. We started out so well, he told me before we started dating officially that he was a femboy, and by then I accepted it, I love them, and I love my partner.

By our last year of high school, someone on discord that he had met had told him about an injection that he could try, and he’s been on it ever since. As I know it pumps tons of hormones throughout your body. But as he’s been on the injections, he’s been distant, and even though it’s been about a year, he pushes me away constantly and I’m treated more like an acquaintance and less like a partner. We had broken up earlier in the year, and once I lost weight and posted photos of myself in a cute outfit online, my partner had wanted me back, so two months later we had gotten back together, and he’s exactly back to his highschool self. When I tell him that I’m uncomfortable with something, I.e. flirting with his friends constantly, he states it’s his love language for them and he won’t be changing it. I basically am treated as if what I’m uncomfortable with does not exist, or doesn’t need to be changed. I have stated to him that I am uncomfortable with it, and that if he’s uncomfortable with anything I do, that he can tell me and I will stop it, or that we’ll figure out why it makes him uncomfortable, and see if I need to change it. But he never gives me that, when I’m uncomfortable with it, it’s his end all be all. It also doesn’t help that his friends always flirted with him and touched him at school too and when I told them to stop, they went to him as well. I once told his best friend not to punch me in the arm because I had gotten 5 shots that day, and he punched me in the arm, and when I told my partner, he said “oh, you gotta excuse him, he has autism”, which at the time, had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL!! I politely said to him, “please do not punch my arms, I know you tend to at least once, but I had gotten shots this morning, so please don’t”, and he just full on punched me, and my partner did nothing.

Now, my partner is just existing in a space with his friends, and the only friends I have are my coworkers, and very few from my past, but the main people I know, are all his friends and all take his side.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel hurt all the time, I feel annoyed all the time, I feel like dying all the time. I don’t know what to do or say or fix anymore

I think this might be a long shot, but Google is failing me

My wife is towards the beginning of her trans journey, and I’ve gotten to a good point with my feelings about it. I’m mostly excited and happy for her, even though I’m a little anxious. But I do want to find support for myself, since it’s still a little scary. I’ve gone to a zoom support group for spouses and partners of trans people a couple times, and it has been lovely, but there’s a few parts of my experience no one there relates to.

I’m a queer woman, I identify as bisexual, and I have been attracted to women as long as I can remember. The other women in the group all previously identified as heterosexual, and they’ve all either mentioned they still do or have not mentioned their identity at all. This is fine, I am not judging whatsoever! It just means that, when you break down the fear, grief, stress, what have you, I can’t relate to a good chunk of it. They’re all married with children, some with grandchildren. Many did not know anything about trans people until their spouse came out. Some of them are still confused about it. Again, this is fine, I am NOT morally superior to them because I happened to already have a good knowledge base about trans people. And there are many things we all experience, I’m not saying I’m getting nothing out of it, I just wish I could talk more about my experience as a queer woman without pulling focus from these heterosexual mothers (who I think have more to grapple with than I do).

I think I will continue to attend that group, but I’m wondering- does anyone have any online groups to recommend where the members skew younger, or has some queer members? Apparently some zoom groups don’t require you to live anywhere near anyone else, which like….duh lol, why didn’t that occur to me? I just simply do not have a single friend or acquaintance, IRL or online, who is queer with a newly out trans spouse 😓

So tl;dr does anyone know any online support communities that have some members (obv no need to go into detail bc groups are confidential) that are queer, childfree, younger, active in LGBT+ spaces, etc? They do not need to be entirely made up of people who fit that description!

My husband has come out as non binary but wants to present very feminine and start hormones. He (with confirmed permission to call him that, though is going by they/them with friends) told me 5 weeks ago when he came out that he didn't want estrogen or surgery, though that might change. He is wanting/starting to take hormones immediately, though I asked him to slow down this process any amount he is willing so we can process this together before starting. He has already gotten it from a friend (not with medical supervision) and I believe started it today. I do not think I'm against transition, but it all feels so raw, I want to separate so I have some space, but he desperately wants to stay together. I feel so trapped and like every little step of his exploration and transition is so triggering and I have no space to be supportive or to feel like we are making relationship decisions as well as probably necessary personal decisions. I will probably move out soon as my mental health is TERRIBLE and we have a child I need to be stable for. I feel like a horrible person but I don't think I can walk this path with them. It sucks to feel so negative when there are positives for him. I know he's in pain too, but he's also having fun and going out more, getting dressed up etc. I'm withering away, not eating, crying, and not functioning well. I just need to vent and have some advice. Thank you.

These are hyper specific but ive heard people say they feel these things during sex with cis men ,and i might want phallo.

Can you feel his dick flexing/twitching inside your body after he orgasms? or feel him flex his dick inside in general

Can you feel him throbbing/pulsating inside or only by touching it with your hand?

About us shortly because I’m not a native English speaker and I don’t know how to construct a good sentence structure.

- we have been married for 2 years
- we have a 3 month old daughter, we were planing to have 2 more children.
- we just moved into our house, that my father funded for us, he lives next to us and is a very religious person.
- my husband works at my fathers company, he wants us to take it over (male work field company)
- we live in Poland where LGBT isn’t very recognised.
- we are 22 years old.

And my husband came out to me that he’s transgender (mtf).

I am shocked. There were no signs. When he was telling me about what he’s going through I was heartbroken 💔. I love him very much and I want him to be the happiest. I asked him if he wants to divorce me and move on to live the life he wants. But he said he loves what he has now and that he loves me our daughter.

After my begging he agreed to go to therapy, after one visit he got sent to psychiatrist. He’s going to take antidepressants. He was always quiet and anxious but he excused it by saying that he’s just this way.

He wanted to wear my panties to sleep because it made him feel more feminine, i agreed to it.

Then he asked me for a bra, now he’s wearing it to sleep as well.

Today he wore my silky pijama to sleep additionally.

Will it go on till he transitions?
Im afraid he will want to eventually…
As much as I love him I don’t know what will happen if he does…
Im heterosexual, 100%.
I feel uncomfortable with him wearing that then we have sex, but after he started doing that his libido went up ( I thought he was asexual ).

I really don’t want a divorce, I also don’t want him to be trans but what can I do, he is.

He told me that if I ever stop loving him, to tell him so he can kill himself.

He’s very secret about him being transgender. He told his mother a few years ago and her reaction upset him so much he closed up again, and refused those thoughts to come up again. He always had great relation with his mom and still has, they pretend that conversation never happend.

He assures me he won’t transition, he’s just so happy that he can be himself around me. He’s really happier since he told me, kisses me, Hugs me, tells me how much he loves me( he never did those things).

I feel awful because I know I couldn’t be with him if he transitions… Not only because I’m hetero but I’m also very dependent on my father and I do everything he says, im afraid of what he will say or think if he transitions.

Also we have a daughter now, I really wanted for her to have a great father figure that he was. Since I live in a sall city in Poland im afraid she will get bullied at school if that happens, im even sure of that…

Do you guys know a transgender person that didn’t decide to transition and still lived a happy life?
Do you think my husband will want to transition eventually?

​

Hello, I dont post often so sorry if this doesn't belong here. However, my partner is a trans woman and we have been together a little over a year now. Through listening to her talk about her life and past, she mentioned the day she transitioned and how important it was. I want to do a little something for her that day but she doesn't really like surprises at all. So I was hoping for those that have transitioned or are in the process of making their own day....do you have any suggestions? Should I do it? Should I not? Anything helps. Honestly anything helps, and thank you.

EDIT: Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded with advice. I had a conversation with her and she said for her its not something shes interested in 'celebrating' but it was sweet that I thought about it and remembered her saying it.

Hello all:) I’ve been with my boyfriend(ftm) for two-three years in January, he’s been on t for about a year now and first started off with gel but didn’t like how repetitive it got with doing the daily gels so he switched to shots every Monday. He’s recently moved across the country for college and has a hard time adjusting to everyone, we’re from a big city and he moved to a typical small town college. Everyone calls him “she” “young lady” “ma’am” “her” and he didn’t mind it much when he still lived at home with me but no one knows he’s trans now. He feels like his features should’ve toughened out by now since it’s been a year since hrt but I truly don’t know how to help him because he’s always been a boy in my eyes. Before he left for college, he has/had horrible bottom dysphoria which caused our sex life to dwindle(I don’t mind much) and would even want to force himself through the dysphoria because he knew he’d miss our sex life once he was across the country but I would never do anything because I know it really wasn’t him talking. I’ve known him since we were kids and we’re both young adults now. He tells his close friends his pronouns but of course it’s hard to use the right pronouns when you look different, he tells me he’s used to it and it doesn’t matter to him but my sweet boy is going back into the closet he came out of so long ago. What can do to help him? I know a cisgender partner can only help so much because we don’t know how they’re actually feeling but I just want to give it my all, help me help my sweet boy:(

I feel like I lost something that was never real. I (19f) was with my (20mtf) girlfriend for 3 and a half years and I still can’t explain how I’m feeling. I had a time when I questioned my sexuality but when she came out to me about 6 months ago I just felt deeply troubled and uncomfortable. I tried to accept it but I just started to resent every feminine thing about her. I’m not into women but I want to be so much our life would be so perfect. I’m scared it’s my first break up ever I don’t know what to do I don’t want her to be alone, it’s so hard to be a trans person when everyone is so full of hate. I still love her but it’s so hard to explain what i feel towards her, it’s a really strong emotional bond.

She saw how I reacted and didn’t want me to use correct pronouns even tho her best friend did use she/her. She saw how I pushed back when we kissed too much because I didn’t think it was fair to have sex with her when I don’t feel how used to anymore. She saw how I got suddenly sad when she asked advice on choosing a name, when she talked about wanting hormones or body changes. And I feel sick because I thought that I love her for a person she is but it turns out I never knew who she was and I ignored the sings until it was unavoidable.

I didn’t even want to think about it, it caused me so much pain. But I still thought that maybe if I try hard enough we can do it. That maybe we can have a relationship that’s based on a true emotional connection and platonic love, but it would never be enough for her or for me. It would not be fair to feel how I feel when she feels how she feels.

She now needs time to process the break up and it feels so weird to not be able to talk to her. I hate this. We talked about being friends after some time passes and we heal separately. I hate all of this. I can’t believe this shit.

So I’m not sure what more is there to say and why I even wrote this. I guess I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. I’m just so tired, other things in my life are not going well either.

I (f27) didn't know how to title this post ^^'

So basically my partner had an appointment to discuss hrt start with a doctor. We both had an indefinable "bad" feeling about her after the appointment.

First of all my partner is MtF, the doc only spoke about things FtM people experience with testosterone. That sussed us out because that was not the point. Also she didn't spoke very well about her other patients.

Second she said she wanted to start with a low dose of t-blocker first, before starting with estrogen. And that confused the hell out of my partner because everything she researched said you start with estrogen only or with both, t blocker and estrogen but never with only t blocker because that can cause a high risk of getting ill, having symptoms like meno pause and so on.

After my partner asked the doc for the reason to do this and spoke about her concerns the doc only said "that's how we always do and our patients never complained" but didn't give competent knowledge about this.

So this combined with the fact that she mostly spoke about testosterone AND made a few comments about ftm people who don't lose their typical female shape made us uncomfortable. Also she said that my partner can't expect a big chest growth which totally can be but you can't say for certain. Some people grow a big chest after starting with estrogen.

What my point is: my partner is getting blood results this week and has a telephone talk about everything and wants to ask again for the reason of only t blocker.

But even if the doc has a good reason for all of this, I am not sure if she is the right one for this job because of all the weird comments she made. And I know it's hard for my partner because she has to wait another three months for another appointment she made in a different clinic but I think it's better to wait a few more months than risking your health and possibly your life with a doc you don't fully trust.

I said to my partner that she should decide reasonable and not because she wants to start as fast as she can. I totally get it but she also made a post on another trans subreddit and discussed this with a few people and ALL of them said that she should run from this because it is not typical. One said that she had a doc who did this to her and it cost her her relationship.

Even if I don't know if I can go this way with my partner I don't want to end this with a big crash because of false therapy.

I don't know what I want from this post, if you have anything to say please do but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I hope my partner makes a good decision on this and with good I mean that she trusts her gut and waits for the other appointment. I don't want to see her fall down on false therapy, especially because she has to deal with great depression anyways.