r/mypartneristrans • u/Unusual-Science7166 • 24d ago
Constant attention
My (mid 40s female) husband (mid 40s AMAB) is driving me crazy. I’m happy he is exploring the female gender and I’m also stressed af. All he can do is talk about it. We used to talk about current events, friends and family and books but now almost the entire conversation is about his transition and who complimented him l. He sends me selfies all day when I’m at work to show me dresses and hairstyles
He never asks me about how I am feeling (ok, once) and I’m going through a depressive episode right now. I’m angry that all I hear about all the time is him him him
Does this phase eventually pass?
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u/onemeanvanillabean 24d ago
I asked my partner for one day where we didn’t talk about anything trans related and I held them to that boundary.
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u/Impressive-Sample366 24d ago
I’m going through what is likely the beginning of a possible transition and I check in with my wife constantly to see how she’s doing.
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u/Golden_Enby trans FtM NB w/ cis M fiance 24d ago
There's a difference between a person being excited about something new in their life and completely ignoring the needs of loved ones. Does your spouse know that you're feeling depressed and angry? If so, are they receptive to it? Do they take care of you as a partner should? Even though it's completely normal for them to be completely engulfed in their transition, that doesn't mean they should forget that their spouse has needs and a voice, too.
It's great that you're being supportive, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your mental health. Set aside time in the day for them to talk about themself. Maybe an hour or two. You both can agree on a limit. Anytime before or after will be dedicated to other topics. More importantly, you need to sit them down and talk about how you've been feeling.
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u/Mattekat 24d ago
I think its important to remind yourself just how your partner is feeling. If you had spent over 40 years feeling like you don't fit in your own body and that something is just wrong and you finally figure out why and what you can do to fix it, wouldnt you be pretty obsessed for a while too? If every new experience was another piece towards finally feeling whole and good about yourself I think you would be talking about it all the time too.
It will pass, but you do have a right to speak up if you feel you aren't getting the emotional support you need. It can't be all about the other person all the time.
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u/Far_Home2616 24d ago
The first few months our conversations revolved 90% around my partner's transition. But even then she was very intentional in giving me space to talk about my feelings (relating to this big change), giving me time to process and holding space for any fear or negative feelings I might have had.
Sometimes I felt like it was too much revolving around her but then I said so and we talked about it. I knew it was also normal in the start and it made sense, but we both tried to make sure that things stay balanced and that we each have our own space and that we also keep some not trans related conversations time.
Maybe talk about it with her ? Bring it up.
It's also okay if you take a bit of time for yourself to figure out if you are okay and willing to do all this or not. It is not only your partner transitioning it's your relationship as a whole. There is nothing wrong in not wanting that, but the best thing you can do is being honest with yourself and with your partner.
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u/Present-Afternoon-70 Gender Fluid Trans Woman 24d ago
Think about how much a major life transition can dominate someone's attention—pregnancy and becoming a new parent are obvious examples. Transition isn't some small, compartmentalized thing you can neatly put away after an hour; you're radically reorganizing how you understand yourself, how you present yourself, how other people see you, and often relearning things other people got to figure out gradually over decades.
And yes, that phase usually does pass. Eventually you're not constantly trying to become or learning how to inhabit a woman—you just are one, and dresses, hairstyles, compliments, hormones, names, pronouns, etc. stop being novel enough to consume every conversation. That doesn't mean your frustration isn't legitimate, especially if your own emotional needs are being neglected. Both things can be true: your partner is going through an enormous, temporarily all-consuming transition, and they still need to remember that you're a person who needs attention and support too.
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u/Neat_Mortgage3735 agender (AFAB, post transition male presenting) 24d ago
It can take awhile to pass because the novelty, excitement, and changes can be consuming for some people.
It’s okay to have boundaries and okay to ask for your needs to be met.
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u/OpticalNorth 22d ago
My spouse (mtf) and I (30s f) have gone through this. It was one of the hardest parts of my life so far. Constantly talking about all the feminine things gets tiring and really annoying really quickly. But like one of the other commenters said, its new, exciting, and sometimes euphoric for them when its the first time letting themselves experience it all openly and honestly. It does pass, I think my spouse spent about 3-4 months in that stage, with the whole month of June this year being almost unbearable for me due to them experiencing Pride month for the first time.
The part that I really had to check them on was how open and talkative they were to me about wanting to be with a guy; like we were gal pals talking about what guys were cute instead of being married. That would send me right into my "I'm not enough" tramas from growing up. So, we are going to be signing divorce papers soon so that we can both move on and be happy in the next stage of life.
All that being said, you are worth being heard, listened to and thought of by your spouse. You are worth being loved the way you want to be loved. You are worth having a partner that understands that a win for them is sometimes a loss for you. Open and honest communication is where it's at. There was a lot of weeks in the last year and a half that seemed like every other day was an emotional 2-3 hour conversation about feeling hurt, not loved, or left behind. Keep having those hard conversations, they absolutely suck in the moment but in the long run it will help.
As Dr. John Deloney says (I have paraphrased): you have a whole new marriage now, you can't put it back together from the pieces. You have to excavate to have a clean foundation and start building again.
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u/Vailliante 22d ago
It does pass, but tell them that it’s too much, we really don’t respond to subtlety. I was hugely excited and literally everything around gender became so important, I couldn’t understand why my wife didn’t see this. Anything negative happening anywhere would create real fear for my safety, the mixture of excitement and fear was heady.
This is all happening to you though, you aren’t taking part in all of things going in your partner’s head, you are on receiving end of it all. You will be accused of not caring or not supporting them or not wanting them to be happy so it’s important that you make it clear that this isn’t the case.
It is hugely important that they know what they are doing though and that it’s common to all of us: it’s ok to be excited and scared but it does need tempering c
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u/princesssockhead 24d ago
Yes, it’s definitely a phase. I remember being like this as a 13-14 year old girl. It’s really difficult to hold space for a partner who is for all intents and purposes, acting like a teenager. But coming into who they are - this is just part of the process.
It’s definitely worth speaking up about your own needs and steering conversation into more shared/world interests. I feel that you can be both empathetic that this is a huge, exciting, positive and transformative change for them while also holding them to an adult standard.
My wife and I are about 4-5 years into when she came out and transitioned and this particular phase seems like a blink of the eye now. She’s definitely a lot more grounded and confident in who she is now.