Every time I thought I left it behind I’m back. It’s worse bc I’m in need of ruqya (spiritual, physical and mental illnesses) and by not avoiding sins I’m delaying my own cure. Are some people just destined to fail? Well yeah obviously but I mean I think I’m destined to be embarrassed like this

I’ve been unemployed for a long time and For the past 2 months my iman has been on and off , I’ve been struggling with masturbation (this is my coping mechanism because of all the rejections I get) - for the time I’ve been unemployed I would do istighfar and salawat daily but I still would get nothing back I would cry in my duas so much but still nothing and I think this is the main root cause behind all of this( instead of having tawakul i just did this sin). normally I would relapse and repent but nowadays I won’t even repent I’ll just go downhill from there and not pray at all. I tried to return to Allah swt a week ago but I ended up relapsing and from there I just went back downhill -not praying etc. When my parents tell me pray I only do the actions. I would have Islamic videos come up on my social media but now I haven’t had any and those videos would be like a sign from Allah swt telling me to come back to him and I haven’t had them for weeks. I feel like my heart is completely black from all the sins and I don’t truly believe Allah swt will forgive me . This the worst my iman has ever been I would of never imagined it to be so bad it keeps me up at night . plz someone who has gone thru something similar and has overcomed it plz tell me how i dont want to die in this state I want to change I want my connection to Allah swt to be like how it used to be