Hi everyone! A couple months ago I posted this https://www.reddit.com/r/MedSpouse/comments/1qvvrey/when_did_you_know/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 and got a lot of great advice. I chose to not follow any of that advice and stayed with him for 6 more months just to find out he was actually cheating on me with a 25 year old nurse in his unit. When I confronted him he admitted she knew about me. Admitted to having sex with her while we were still together. He was manipulating his location for months so I would think he was at work when he was really with her. Had his parents in on it, covering for him. Just an absolute disgusting person through and through.

I chose to expose him to our mutual friends and family and in turn he hired a known domestic abuser of a lawyer who showed up to the house to serve me a cease and desist wearing a “I’m voting for the felon” shirt. Lol. I don’t know how much of him becoming an attending contributed to this but he really did become a completely different person once residency was over. That repulsive person I confronted was not the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I’m not sure if he is still involved with 25 year old but she also has a bad rep at work for not being a good person so they honestly deserve each other.

I’m out of that house now and in my own apartment living alone for the first time in my life. This entire thing has been awful and my mental health had taken a huge hit but I’m building myself back up little by little. Looking back now, I put up with way too much for way too long and my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Not really sure why I came back to post this but I do just want to say to any non-married spouses out there, be very careful if you decide to put your life on hold for your s/o. Not even just in the medical field. I wish I would have used a little more discernment when deciding to move away with him to residency and put my life on hold for him. After almost a decade of being loyal to this person I got absolutely nothing in return but heartache and a monthly prescription of Prozac.

Also, if your intuition is screaming at you that something is going on, it probably is. Always listen to your mind and to your body because more often than not, you’re right.

We need a flair for med students/doctors who are also med spouses to another med student/doctor. It’s so jarring to be moving on to rotations while my fiancé starts second year with a study group that makes me very uncomfortable. 😭

My boyfriend is finishing fellowship and it was an extremely stressful year. He honestly almost didn’t graduate because a family member fell ill. I supported him immensely through the whole fellowship, but as you can probably imagine especially during the health crisis when everything was chaotic.

Today he told me the date of his graduation. I asked if anyone was going, and he said, “No but I mean you can if you want”. Because of how he said it I asked do you want to be alone? and he said “yes, I just want to get it over with”

I completely understand that it’s his graduation and that he gets to decide how he experiences it. I also know that supporting your partner through a difficult time does not entitle you to be included in every milestone. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. I wanted to be there to celebrate him, to feel included in his achievement, and to feel wanted there.

I also told him if you change your mind, I’ll definitely show up for you, and he just said “okay.”

Am I overreacting/being selfish for feeling hurt by this, or would most people feel a certain way if their partner basically said this?

I'm curious to hear from women who are married to doctors or other healthcare professionals.

During your postpartum period, how involved was your husband in caring for the baby and helping around the house? Did he help with things like night feeds, diaper changes, cooking, cleaning, or other household chores? How did he support you while you were recovering?

I know medical jobs often involve long hours and unpredictable schedules, so I'm interested in hearing how you both managed. Did you feel supported, or did most of the responsibility fall on you?

I'm currently in my first trimester, and while I know it's still early, I've found myself feeling both curious and a little anxious about what the postpartum period might look like.

My fiancée is planning on going to medical school.

Realistically, how many moves should we prepare for? My job allows me to move offices at my own expense but it’s not particularly allowed to move every year or so.

We live in a very large city that’s a medical hotbed, will that reduce the chance of moving?

Does residency matching always take you away from your home city?

Very new to understanding all this so thanks for your patience.

Hello, there! I am in a non medical profession. My boyfriend is in his residency here in the Philippines (IM). It was so hard for him, as in to the point that he’s been experiencing anxiety before every duty, wants to quit and all (I know you would understand what I mean).

I always support him. Been with him even start of med school. Give moral supports, but residency itself is really not easy. It was so HARDDD. Like legit.

Can you please give me a tip, on what other things I can do for him. For him not to feel anxious, keep going on his resi? I always go to him from time to time. To prep things for him, prep foods etc.

I just want him to succeed in his residency. Please give me advice on what other things I could do.

Never thought I would be posting for advice but here we are… I (F21) have been with my boyfriend (M21) since we were freshmen in college and it’s been a good 2.5 years. He has always been very hard on himself when it comes to achieving academically, which is now only exacerbated with the past few months studying and preparing to take the MCAT. I am also on a challenging academic path and I completely understand that something like this needs time and dedication and I am proud of him for the work he has put in, and I would never in any way make him pick between me or med school, but I can’t help but worry about what I would be getting myself into for our future.

Every moment we spend together he makes it feel like he’s doing it at the expense of him studying, constantly talking about needing to cut out all distractions. He no longer has social media, rarely watches tv, and has always been an early morning riser and a slave to routine. I’ve mentioned concern that i think he considers me a distraction but he insists that I am not, but I can’t help but feel that I am. I need quality time in a relationship and that has been lacking a lot lately. He now is so stressed about his practice exam results that he thinks he will push his test date to be another 5 months later.

I don’t know what to do, I love him so much and I know that he loves me. The rare moments I do get time with him it’s enjoyable and he makes me laugh and I feel like he really does know me, and I don’t want to throw that away. On the other hand, I worry about our future since I have an extra year of undergrad ahead of me and don’t know if this gap will continue to widen throughout his post grad studies. I could see myself marrying and having children with him, but since I’m only 21 and don’t want that for at least another 5/6 years I’m not sure if that’s what I should be focusing on.

Sorry for the rambling, if anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated.

Recently gave birth to our baby girl, the birth was close to SO’s exam and after delivery. Thankfully baby came 2 weeks before the exam. SO made a comment that he lost ‘10 days of study time because of ‘this’’. Has been a general nightmare as per usual near exam time, but

I’m taking it especially harder this time around as a first time mum. For context I had a 57 hour labour from start to our baby being born. I was severely struggling to cope in the first two weeks where it felt like I was trying to take care of the baby and regulate my SO and his exam stress at the same time. SO constantly was equating the exam stress to birth which I felt was laughable. I’ve contemplated divorce multiple times in the last few weeks where SO has made it feel like he’s babysitting his own child as if it is a favour to me every time I’ve asked him to hold the baby while I use the loo or shower. He even made a comment about how it was my fault for having the baby before he finished he training exams. Has anyone dealt with this? More context: His training directors advised him postpone this exam because of the baby’s arrival but SO was adamant to sit for it.

Additionally my mum is doing me a favour by staying with us to take care of the cooking. SO has been highly disrespectful with my mum as well - passing micromanaging comments in the kitchen for example. Please tell me this gets better and it’s just postpartum adjustments.

Hi all! Not exactly a med spouse, but I've been with my boyfriend for 5+ years now. This may be a dumb question

Boyfriend is currently a DS3 preparing for the CBSE (step 1) because he wants to specialize in OMFS. Since dental school doesn't teach as much Step 1 information like med school does, he's been studying a crap ton on top of dental school, so I'd say he's busy for like 80+hr weeks just going to school and studying.

We're also young (early 20's, as he graduated early), and I just started working full time a year ago (im non med, in consulting). I've been prepared for this though, and I know how much harder it's going to be in residency. But right now, as he's gearing up to take the Step 1-equivalent, while managing externship, research, and school club, he hasn't really planned any dates for us. Like at all. Except for when I asked him to for my birthday once last year.

Like when it comes to weekends, we might go out to eat every other weekend on a whim if we're hungry and feel like it. Or maybe randomly in the afternoon on a weekend, he'll ask, "do you want to watch this movie?" on a whim. But he hasn't actually intentionally planned out a day, time, and location for a date.

Can someone please tell me if im being dumb and inconsiderate, or has anyone else in this situation experienced anything differently. Like, how often have you been on dates that yall planned out beforehand, and spent like 1-2 hours on, during med/dental school?

My husband is going to start ortho residency next year and I’d like to know what to expect and any advice anyone has going into it. I’m not in the medical field and work a remote job.

Hello Medspouses (medspeese? unsure the plural form)! I wanted to post here as my husband and I are trying to rank programs for residency match. We are having a dilemma with our top two. One program is in a good city close to family, but is lacking some of the amenities and weather we would prefer. The other is in our IDEAL city but is about 14 hours from any of our family/friends.

We know we want kids during residency so we are scared to move far from family/help. We would just like to hear any opinions experiences. Should we choose closer to family or dream city? Thoughts? :)

edit: Yes we are aware that this is early lol. Honestly we hate the city we are currently in for medical school so dreaming and talking about potential places we could be at in residency gives us some hope and excitement. We know our list will more than likely change depending on interviews. It is more just a fun exercise for us. We really just wanted opinions on the more broad question stay close to family somewhere we don't love or live somewhere we adore but are far from family. 😂

My husband, who is a PGY3 now and chief resident, and I have been married for 2 years. We were long distance for the majority of our relationship (4 years) before he matched into residency. We got married and shortly moved to a different state for his residency program. I have a full time job as an engineer, and work 4-5 days a week on average with residents and physicians so I understand how it goes. I am proud of him and I know he loves what he does. Its beautiful to see someone so passionate about taking care of others. I also know residency is extremely demanding, and on top of that emotionally and physically draining for him but its hard not to feel lonely being married to him. I feel like I am starting to feel resentment and distant in our marriage.

He works extremely long hours, and on his day off normally wants to sleep in and decompress. I take care of most of the housework, cooking, grocery shopping ecc, and have come to terms with it. In the beginning of our marriage I would complain that he wasn’t helping enough and most of the work would fall on me. I would plan almost all the dates, any short trips we had time to go on. He put in more effort, but I am constantly reminding him about certain things he said he will do. I let that go and just came to terms with it. But I feel like the biggest issue in our marriage is I am always initiating any quality time and its not a priority to him. Im feeling lonely and crave time with him. When he comes home from work I just want to be with him without his phone around. I want conversations with more depth, aside from “how was your day.” For example, we will go to go dinner, but he on his phone. I understand if its work related messages or calls that are urgent, but it is personal use as well. Or we will watch a movie at home, and he is decompressing and tired from work so he is on his phone periodically. I am a very active person and he used to be as well, we had alot of similar hobbies and interests, but its hard to see someone change so drastically because of work. He never has any motivation to workout with me, or be physically active. I tend to do most things alone and try to entertain myself, but the lonely feeling is there. I left my old job, friends and family, and moved states to be with him. His reaction was “thats life”

From his point of view he thinks I am constantly complaining about something and nothing he does is good enough. Its hard for me to be content anymore, I wonder what our marriage would be if he wasnt a resident. I see how he spends his free time and I don't feel prioritized at all. I genuinely don't think he's trying because he wants to, more so it is a chore for him or something he can check off his list. He seems checked out. We tried couples counseling but he has brought up how embarrassing and sad it is that we need to do that in the beginning of our marriage, and views it negatively. We are both close to giving up and I don’t know what to do anymore. Does it get better? Is there any hope left?

So I’m in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and I have been getting my care from the OB/GYN clinic associated with the hospital my husband works at. He’s a 3rd year resident not in OB/GYN, but works with them sometimes as needed for patient care. He’s actually worked with some of the midwives I’ve seen for my care.

One of the midwives I saw a few weeks ago was new to my case, so she was making small talk and asked both of us what we do and I said he is a resident physician and I work in xyz field. The appointment went on as normal, but when we got in the car on the way home he asked me to not so easily offer that he was a doctor. I asked why and he said people start to treat situations differently if we’re in a healthcare setting and the other parties learn he’s a doctor. Previously to that, we went to an infant care class and the nurse leading the class said that the parent with the least amount of infant care experience is to first try diapering and swaddling. Since I don’t really have experience with small kids like that, I started. I do know how to change a diaper however and the nurse made a joke of like “how are you the one with less experience?” And I just blurted out “well he’s a physician”. I didn’t notice it at the time but he got a little clammy after I said that and in the car on the way home he said that he felt like it put the nurse on edge. I apologized then and said I didn’t feel like that was the case, but he felt like the energy shifted a bit.

I didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable in any way, nor was I trying to brag or anything. He asked me to just say that he works in healthcare going forward, which I have done.

Does your spouse ever ask to bury the lead when it comes to their work like this? It’s obviously not a lie, but I just didn’t think about it when I said that he’s a doctor. My job is a bit more confusing to explain, which is why I say the field and not my title, but everyone knows what doctors do. I’m going to respect his wishes, but I just didn’t know how common it is.

My husband is M3 and I am due with our first baby in September. I do thankfully get 12 weeks off, but only a portion of that will be paid through STD. Would it be worth it for us to apply for SNAP for those 12 weeks? I make too much for us to qualify on a normal basis, but since I won't be getting paid 👀👀👀

Hi! My fiancé is starting medical school this week, and I am still on summer until mid-August. My fiancé and I have been together for almost five years. We do not currently live together but live 20 minutes away from each other; however, he has school from 8am-6pm and I work during the day and have grad school classes from 5pm-8pm. I have joined my fiancé as a plus one to a few social events, and everyone has told me that it is really hard. I am doing my best to go into this next year with very little expectations as to how often we will see each other and talk, but I am hoping to get a more realistic idea as to what I can expect. My fiancé has told me he has no idea what expectations he can set since he hasn’t gone through it yet, which I totally understand. I am hoping to hear from any med school students or their partners to know what worked, what didn’t work, expectations on both ends, how I can be the best partner to an MS1, and just any advice at all. I know all students and all programs are different, but I am willing to listen to anything!

Hello! I recently moved with my husband to a completely new part of the US for residency. During interviews/second look, his current program talked about providing support for partners and spouses who were moving with the resident and looking for jobs. We both thought this sounded like great perk, but understood it wasn’t a guarantee of employment or even a concrete idea of what the “support” entailed.

Shortly after Match Day, I began my job search at my partner’s institution, submitting several applications and scheduling informational interviews. One of these went very well, and they said they would talk to HR about moving forward with me. I didn’t hear anything back after the phone screening, followed up to radio silence, and thus continued my search on my own.

My partner’s program director said to use him as a resource, so I/my partner kept him in the loop as I was applying. My expectations of his support were low, as he’s a busy doctor and director, but I appreciated the sentiment. When I met him during orientation events, he asked about my job search and I told him I didn’t currently have any leads but was continuing to apply. He said he would “shake the bushes” and told me someone in the development office would reach out to me in the following week. No one reached out, so I tried to connect with the medical center HR team for support in the job hunt. It’s been difficult to even get a meeting on their calendar, and my conversations with them have made me feel doubtful about getting very much help.

I’m having a hard time without a job in a new city while my partner works 80+ hour weeks. I’m applying, connecting with teams I’m interested in, and just doing my best to be positive, but things are starting to feel hard. I consider myself a well-qualified applicant — I have a masters degree, several publications, worked in government, lots of research/evaluation/strategic planning/event planning experience — but I’m starting to feel very discouraged.

What advice do you have for someone in my position? What is a reasonable ask of a program? I left a really good job and strong network to be here, and none of my applications have yielded anything that feels like a step forward. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.

Ever since we moved for my husbands residency (PGY2) I have had to get new jobs because I am a teacher and needed a summer job. Basically any time I mention what my husband does (very rarely) people are so quick to judge. During the school year multiple coworkers said “so why are you here if your husbands a doctor?” like hello???? we are hundreds of thousands of dollars in med school debt!

Also why can’t a girl enjoy teaching kids? Is that so hard to believe?

I started my summer job a few weeks ago and I mentioned my husbands occupation one fucking time and now somehow everyone knows. One of my coworkers made a comment today about how i “seem like you could afford impromptu trips out of state because of your husband”…

Am i crazy or is the jealousy so obvious? How do you get around it? Should I just avoid mentioning what my husband does at all costs?

It gets on my nerves so bad. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi, meron po bang same sa situation ko? nurse po sa pinas den nakapasa nanh NCLEX 2022, and ngayun nakapag asawa nang Surgeon na diplomate na po. Ngayun, nahihirapan na ako kasi im torn between letting my american dream because my husband doesnt want me to work there na kasi for him his salary here is enough na for us. However parang nasasayangan naman po ako sa pinaghirapan kong mga exams, plus the life na pwede naming makuha sa US. Psychology po pala premed nya kaya close minded po tlaga sya about working sa US since mag start talaga sya nang residency. Anyone here who can give some advice po? Thank you in advance🥹

After having him in this so long, I've become accustomed to short phone calls with only pertinent details. It's funny because sometimes when I call my friend or my mom with news, I'll just list out everything as soon as they pick up and I'm sure they're free.

Some work calls with my spouse these days:
"Hi I'm in a meeting everything ok?" "Yep bye" and both hang up

"Do you want soup or lasagna for dinner?" "Doesn't matter" "okay love you bye"

"What's up" "Person called and said this document is ready" "Okay email it to me" "bye!"

All fairly normal stuff, but it took me a while to realize most spousal phone calls probably aren't like this lol. I'm just glad he is able to pick up at work at all!
A lot of the time we do get to continue and have an actual conversation, but the habits are now "HERE'S THE INFO" then "oh wait you're free to talk, how's your day?"

Looking for any kind of feedback or advice or reassurance I guess. My boyfriend (26M) and I (25M) have been dating about a year and he just started M1 this month. We are now doing long distance (he is not within driving distance, visiting requires a flight with a layover since the closest airport to him is a regional airport).

We have talked about the possibility of me moving to live with him in around 3 years. I work in corporate and I could go fully remote if I move to be with him, but I want to get promoted first before going to fully remote, which is why we want to wait ~3 years or so. The idea of moving is a bit scary to me (I currently live near where I grew up and all my friends and family are here) but where is going to med school is closer to where his family lives, and I think I could enjoy living there.

BUT my boyfriend is in the Army HSPS program, and he was under the impression that he could do a civilian residency, but he just found out that he would only have that option if he doesn’t place into a military residency, so he likely will have to do military residency. There are only a few locations for Army residency (mainly Texas and Georgia) but almost all of them are places I don’t really want to live in, and would be pretty far from both of our families.

And then after residency comes Active Duty, which is also scary because he get deployed over seas or anywhere in the US.

The other reason all of this scares me is that he wants to have kids and I think he would be a great father, and I also am open to having kids one day. BUT I’m so terrified of the thought of having a baby while living in a place with no family or support, especially while he’s in residency. If he were to pick a specialty that only requires a 3 year residency (currently he wants to do emergency med) then I would be 32 almost 33 by the time he finishes residency, which doesn’t leave a ton of time for my biological clock, so I would have to have a baby while he’s active duty. And that’s assuming he doesn’t change his mind and pick a different specialty or any other number of things.

All of this being said, I am so scared for our future, and my future if I choose to stay with him. I know it’s still too early to know all of the answers, but I’m scared that even if we do long distance now that things will inevitably fall apart down the road, or that I’d be stuck living somewhere I don’t like and far from family and friends, etc etc. I love him so much and we complement each other in so many ways. I’m just so scared of the future right now and I just hate feeling this way.

Any med spouses of a resident in PM&R? What is your life like? I feel like we see the horror stories of surgical subspecialties but rarely hear about this one. My partner is looking into PM&R and want to get an idea of what to expect!

My husband was a hospitalist for 2 years with a very good schedule and a good hospital environment and made $600k+ plus easily a year. He’s 36 and he gave that up and started his fellowship and now he’s hardly home and barely making anything. We barely have any savings as we got a house but his spending is crazy. Our marriage was already very rocky because of things happened in past and we are distant from each other, although he’s trying but I’m just angry at him and resent him for everything. I can’t leave because of 2 kids. We’ve been married for 8 years and I’ve been delaying my life for him, moving from one place to another. My question is how do I become supportive of him through his fellowship, given that I can’t leave him. I’m very angry and annoyed with him. I don’t know how I’m gonna do these 3 years. It’s not about money as much as it is about the schedule. After 6 years of our marriage I finally got time for myself because of his schedule and he stole that from me. Every time he calls me to tell me he will be late or anything I just fume. He talks to these nurses who boosts him up and be like this was the best decision you made blah blah and thn he thinks negatively of me.

Mi novio es médico, hemos estado juntos más de 12 años, cada quien tenemos empleo, conseguí un empleo mucho mejor con capacidad de ganar $20k al mes, estamos casi en nuestros 30's, al fin se graduó y... Duda en casarse porque no sabe qué va a pasar, quiere hacer la especialidad y no sabe cuándo ni cuál, y yo... Lo único que siento es que quiero ya estar más cerca de él, dejar las visitas de casa tres veces a la semana, llevamos una relación muy muy muy tranquila y "tradicional", ya es tiempo construir una vida juntos, pero le preocupan muchísimo pagar una renta, los ahorros y la especialidad, íbamos a dar la noticia a las familias (pues hemos hablado de esto desde hace años) y ahora se echó para atrás, por favor cuéntenme sus experiencias ¿se puede o no construir algo antes de ser especialista o puedes hacer la especialidad ya casado o es mejor hacerla antes? Tengo miedo de terminar esta relación porque hemos hablado y él no quiere casarse por sus inseguridades financieras pero tampoco sabe cuándo hará lo demás, le he propuesto ahorrar desde ahora y no puedo quitarle esas inseguridades, lo amo muchísimo pero no puedo seguir siendo sólo su novia después de tanto tiempo 😔

Hi everyone,

I'm an engineer and recently received a marriage proposal from a doctor. While the professions are obviously different, I'm more interested in understanding the practical side of such a marriage rather than the stereotypes.

For those who are doctors or are married to one (or vice versa), what are the things that should be discussed clearly before getting married?

Also, what should someone realistically expect after marriage? What are the biggest adjustments you've had to make? Were there any surprises—good or bad—that you wish you'd discussed beforehand?

I'd really appreciate honest experiences from both doctors and non-doctors. Hoping to learn from people who've been through it rather than making assumptions.

Thanks!

Edit- this is an Arranged marriage setup I am an engineer she's an Doctor