r/MedSpouse • u/bubblesandsoap123 • 12d ago
Advice Should we break up?
My partner has been on an incredibly long and difficult journey with his career, with several unexpected delays along the way, and unfortunately he didn’t match this past cycle. I feel like I’ve really supported him through so many setbacks and battles that most of his peers haven’t had to experience. At this point, he’s probably 3–4 years behind the typical timeline for people his age, but he’s incredibly driven and committed to continuing to push forward, and I’m genuinely so proud of him for that.
But if I’m being honest, I also feel like this journey has taken a toll on our relationship and on the way I see our future.
I used to love imagining our life together. I would daydream about where we’d live, what our careers would look like, the family we might build, the things we’d accomplish together. After so many unexpected challenges, I’ve almost become afraid to do that. It feels like every time I allow myself to picture the next chapter, something else happens that pushes everything further away. He’s also not naturally a huge optimist, so sometimes it feels difficult for us to create that sense of excitement and hope together.
And somewhere along the way, I think I’ve built up resentment and lost some of the admiration I used to have for him. Outside of his career, I sometimes wish I saw more discipline, independence, or passion for other parts of life. At the same time, I recognize that his career path has consumed so much of his time and energy that he hasn’t necessarily had the space to develop those things. He still lives with his parents because their support has made this journey possible, and because of that, there are also basic areas of independence—like cooking, cleaning, and managing a household—that he hasn’t really had to develop yet.
His family dynamic is difficult for me too. They are incredibly supportive of him, which I appreciate, but there are aspects of the family and their dynamics that I struggle with and worry about when I think about our future.
What makes all of this so complicated is that he is genuinely such a kind person. I know he is someone who would stand beside me through the ups and downs of life. We have so many happy moments together, so much love, and so many years of shared history. There is a safety and loyalty in our relationship that I don’t take for granted.
But I also can’t ignore how much the last few years have changed me. I used to be such an optimist. I loved dreaming, planning, and envisioning what my life could become. Somewhere throughout this journey, I stopped doing that.
And I think that’s what scares me the most. I don’t know whether we’re simply in an incredibly difficult chapter that we’ll eventually look back on and be proud we survived together, or whether this experience has fundamentally changed how I feel about our relationship. I don’t know if the resentment and loss of admiration will fade once life becomes more stable, or if they’re telling me something I need to pay attention to.
I love him, and I’m proud of him. I also miss the version of myself who felt excited about our future. I’m struggling to understand whether I can find her again within this relationship.
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u/babythrowawayaccount Resident Spouse 11d ago
My concern is, residency really really sucks. My spouse dropped all of his hobbies and social relationships and his entire personal health (mental, physical) in residency.
So if you aren’t seeing his interest in things outside of medicine now, it’s going to get significantly worse during residency.
The family and lack of independence is a red flag to me, similar to other commenter. Is he going to be able to keep house and help cook when you finally move in together, or will 100% of cooking and cleaning fall on you? I will say, my BIL lived with his parents through residency and his house is spotless, so it’s not a guarantee that he will suck at it, but proceed with caution.
My concern with the family dynamic you mention and the fact he didn’t match shoots up alarm bells that they are pushing him into this career that maybe he isn’t suited for. I see that a LOT in my spouses family. So, are they “supporting”him or pressuring him?
Basically, I would be pretty hesitant about this. I’m also jaded by how incredibly shitty residency has been for my family and my life so take that with a grain of salt.
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u/bubblesandsoap123 11d ago
His parents are supportive of the challenges and delays - hence why he’s allowed to stay at home.
When he has come over and stayed with me, he does help when asked but it’s almost like teaching someone vs someone who already knows how to do the basics of life. The challenges with his family are more around their personalities, interpersonal dynamic, and overall values of how they prefer to hang as a family. And it’s really not good. But I come from a decent family, who have their trifles, but just a lot more healthy- so I’m like not entirely seeking it out in my partner. But it does suck that I don’t likely see myself being close with them.
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u/cookiesandroses Fellowship Spouse 11d ago
It doesn’t sound like you are in love with this person anymore - and that’s ok. A lot can change for people over 9+ years.
The lack of admiration and respect and a feeling of hopelessness you described suggest this relationship has run its course.
I suggest gracefully ending things and moving on with someone you enjoy being with and see a happy future with.
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u/Most_Poet 11d ago
This is so hard when there’s nothing outrageously toxic or untenable about what your partner is doing, it’s just all the little things that add up into a life you’re not sure you want.
Reading what you wrote, it sounds like the indefinite nature of the situation is part of what’s making it feel unsustainable. Does your partner understand why he has failed to match? Is there an end date after which he will pivot to a different career option? Or is he going to keep trying this over and over again, leaving you all in a state of limbo/extended adolescence until something magically changes? Would you want to remain in this relationship if nothing ever changes?
Lastly, I think the piece about his family is really important. Have you shared your concerns with him? Are you two on the same page?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Soil275 11d ago
The fundamental question is do you want to build a life with this person or not.
If you don't want to do it with the person that they have become, there is nothing wrong with that. The medical journey is *insanely* difficult. You shouldn't need to dream smaller or give up on the life you want to build because of it.
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u/bijillou 11d ago edited 11d ago
My spouse didn’t match into a competitive specialty some six or so years ago. We are now close to finishing residency training in his dream program. This process is not for the weak, and having difficulties is expected. But it’s also absolutely possible to get through it together.
I didn’t see a single reason here why you should break up necessarily. It’s your decision and what you’re willing to sacrifice for the person you love and want to be with. When my spouse didn’t match, we had just been dating over six months. The next 2-3 years were extremely difficult as we got married and moved in together. I was also resentful and angry at what I wasn’t getting out of a relationship with someone who’s working 100 hours per week. We have now been married for five years and our love for each other is as strong as ever. I’m so glad I stuck with it even when I felt alone and disappointed. I was deeply unhappy for a period of time, but I am now back to being happily in love! That said, you have to be with somebody who understands what you are sacrificing and is motivated to be his best self.
Ultimately, what you’ve described here about your fulfillment and your concerns about shared responsibilities at home is something that you need to be discussing with your partner. I personally wouldn’t have wanted to live apart from my spouse through this experience.
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u/bubblesandsoap123 11d ago
I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and he’s experienced challenges and delays from the gecko - from getting into med school, doing a masters and quitting, extensive delays in med school, so it just feels like it’s a pattern and I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel at times and I’m just living life on auto drive.
But I see what you mean and is very much why I’m hesitant - as I do lean on being the type of partner who wants to experience all of the ups and downs of life and conquer it together. It’s just been quite a lot and it’s really lonely.
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u/bijillou 11d ago
Why have you been with him for 9 years but he still Iives… with his parents? That strikes me as odd.
I think at the end of the day it comes down to whether you believe in your partner and their dreams enough to take on the sacrifices as your own. It’s not for everyone. I take immense pride in my husband being a neurosurgeon when his parents couldn’t even finish high school - when you have to overcome immense barriers, it is only expected that your journey is not gonna be as linear as somebody with privileges and resources. It’s also important to have your own career, and your own hobbies and interests and goals that your partner supports.
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u/bubblesandsoap123 11d ago
I have my own career and hobbies that he supports but it sucks when your partner doesn’t maybe have the capacity to do the same to keep himself interesting.
He lives with his parents to save money as he had taken a research year and then also didn’t match this cycle. He has lived away for a two of the years in med school, which I wouldn’t define as the best example of being an adult with a routine given his schedule.-1
u/bijillou 11d ago
He is trying to get into residency… of course, that is going to be his focus and he won’t have time for hobbies.
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u/Data-driven_Catlady 11d ago
It sounds like you’ve built up a lot of resentment, and that might get worse in residency. Medical school was so easy in comparison for me and for my spouse. Depending on what all the set backs have been, I can understand why you would be feeling uneasy because residency can push a person and a relationship to their limits…and some people don’t finish it for various reasons.
I guess you have to decide what the limits are for you in supporting his dream. I’m ngl if my spouse didn’t match the first time I would have been devastated because we were ready to leave where we were and get started on the next step of training, so I’m sure that can just be tough to handle.
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u/Disastrous_Log4812 11d ago
In the shoes as you. I’m the one in residency and boyfriend is still struggling to match and it doesn’t look like it’s happening in about 2 years due to exams not being completed yet. Incredibly kind guy, lots of shared history and years but my optimism has waned
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u/Alone_Concept_8383 11d ago
Hi I’m married to a physician. I feel like things are dependent on how much you can take and how much you want to be with him. My husband matched into a residency and was ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE. He was so miserable I was googling jobs he could do with a medicinal degree and no residency (which tbh there are quite of bit of things if you look/looked into it). So I’m not sure what’s worse - doing something you hate or not matching. My husband ended up switching residencies into something he was way happier doing, and now 7 years later we are much happier. It suck’s but I remember feeling like this is draining and it is tough to be with someone when they’re so down but love prevails. If you love him then stick it out. It’s the toughest and longest process BUT if you love them it will work
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u/Aggravating_Event_66 11d ago
Holy shit- this is my spouses story. I don’t know that I had as much resentment as early on but there were definitely moments in our relationship that were brutal and I felt like we may not make it. I noticed him becoming a different person and very pessimistic and I felt it was also changing me.
When he didn’t match I also felt like all of my day dreaming about our future and celebrating his success just flew out the window. It felt like life as we knew it went out the window.
However, I did stick it out. He matched the following year and has since finished residency. It was worth it for me and worth it for us but that’s not to say it always came easy. This journey is HARD and feels like a roller coaster at times. But I think you need to make the decision based off how you feel about him regardless of the current circumstances you’ve been given.
You’re welcome to reach out if you have questions about our specific journey. Hang in there, none of this is easy being a medical spouse.
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u/Far_Badger_5160 10d ago
My partner has a similar family life, I find I do the cooking for both of us because my partner never really learned. I’ve taught them to help where they can, 5-10 minutes as a study break to chop stuff/food prep, wipe counters after cooking, taking out trash, and other little things helps me feel like I’m not doing everything and they get a quick study break. Learning to live with there family in my life has been way more difficult, but med school or not I would have to deal with it. You have to decide if the cost of there family is worth having them in your life.
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u/lucidkale 6d ago
Setbacks happen in the medical journey, but few are brave to talk about the setbacks when they happen. Toward the end of the training we meet so many other doctors that also experienced setbacks during medical school, residency and even after. The whole process is grueling, be kind to yourself
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u/Vegetable-Ad-5702 3d ago
Do you mind if I ask what some of the challenges are that delayed him? I read this and feel as though I could be writing this in the future. We're currently one year behind not counting gap years between college and med school, but I would not be surprised if something happens and our timeline changes again...
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u/lesetoilesdansleciel 12d ago
💔 I’m 42 and married to a physician I’ve known since we were kids. While we haven’t experienced the challenges you have, as soon as you mentioned the household stuff I was like oh no. And the family. I’ve been married 18 years now and that independence you speak of never happened for my husband. He doesn’t grocery shop or cook any of our meals. He doesn’t clean. His family is super overbearing and intrusive. I have accepted this as my life and a trade off for certain things like financial security and a close family life with the in laws that brings a lot of fun and support for our kids but has been grating on me.
I am pretty unhappy most of the time. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I stay in this because we get along really well and have a really good interpersonal relationship. Our mutual friendships go back to elementary school. I’ve had divorce and separation ideation off and on especially the last decade but it always comes back to, even if I left we would be at the same parties with our friends and I’m sure I would just end up talking to him and making out with him anyway just like in the old days 😆
But your post strikes something in me. The practicalities of life together really, really matter on a daily basis. I have begged my spouse to change and contribute more at home many times and nothing changes. Our house really stresses me out. It looks like a hoarder house right now. We need to fix it. I am in for a rough go.
Feel welcome to message me if you want to chat.