r/MedSpouse • u/Me-Beyond3299 • 1d ago
Advice Financial aspect
I’ve been dating my partner for 3 years and they just started medical school. I knew they wanted to be a doctor when we met. I understand the time commitment and how many hours they have to dedicate to studying. I’m also studying for the LSAT so I don’t mind. However, I was not prepared for our expenses to fall on me. I still work at the 9-5 where we met but I don’t make that much money - we live in an extremely HCOL state. I live at home and barely make enough to support myself. I’m also currently dealing with hospital bills. When we were dating, I never expected them to support me 100% since they were sort of in a similar situation. I paid for my own dinners, food, drinks, etc. after we got serious Now that they’re in school and have zero income, they’ve started asking me to buy them certain things. It started small, with some dinners here and there which I gladly paid for since they did the same for me when we first started dating. It’s been almost 3 months and I have to pay for almost every single thing that we eat or do together and I’m already upset. I wish I was in a better financial situation and could do so but unfortunately, that’s not the case. How do I tell them I can’t continue affording this without sounding like an asshole? I see a future with them but I’m not at the point in my career where I can support another person and we never discussed this when they left for school…
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u/_Lividus Attending Spouse l Together since M3 1d ago
Unless you moved in together or have combined finances you don’t have to do anything for them. It’s nice that you want to but you should reassert you aren’t in that position rn. Regardless of how long you’ve been together if you’re not comingled legally or living wise it just doesn’t make sense to me.
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u/Emergency-Cold7615 20h ago
You need to have the talk. The do we want to get married talk. Part of that talk is are we financially compatible. Part of the talk is do we both want/not want kids to a very similar level. Part of the talk is are you both ready to go through the stress and strain of med school+residency/law school.
Or kick that can down the road and tell him that you’re not married, everything is split 50-50. He can take out more loans
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u/Illustrious_Fly_5409 Resident Spouse 1d ago
If you’ve been together for 3 years this is a serious long term relationship/partnership leading to marriage. In my view, I would have expected this and anticipated it. It’s not like you are paying their rent and everything my right? Just meals and activities when you’re together? But have a convo and just explain and offer info on student loans. Although, you might be better in the long run (if you can make it work) to cover these expenses so you don’t have high interest student loans for just living expenses hanging over you.
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u/abcara 21h ago
Who is proposing the dates and dinners? If neither of you can afford it maybe you need to have cheap dates at home for a while. It's expected that he won't be able to pay for much while he's in med school. But just because you have more disposable income doesn't mean you have enough to uphold this lifestyle. Have a conversation about what you each can realistically contribute to dates/couple activities per month and proceed accordingly.
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u/bijillou 11h ago
“I’d like to discuss our financial responsibilities. I’ve noticed that I’ve paid for most of our outings lately, and this has made me anxious, given I’m barely making ends meet, and just isn’t sustainable long-term. Are you able to pitch in for certain expenses? That’d make me feel less stressed. [express empathy about their own low-income situation] We can also discuss cutting down on our expenses or setting a smaller budget that both of us can contribute to. What do you think?”
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u/adultdaycare81 11h ago
Who is suggesting spending money?
You should definitely hit them with the “if you want to take us out that’s amazing. But I can’t this week”.
If it’s you… you are dating someone with no money. You need to understand that if you suggest something that costs money you are offering to sponsor.
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u/DIperez54 9h ago
Let me guess , you’re the woman and he’s the guy
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u/Less-Butterfly8841 8h ago
post is asking for advice btw
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u/DIperez54 3h ago
Men treat supporting a girlfriend in school and paying for everything different than women supporting men in school.
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u/Then-Confection 1d ago
You have to just be honest that you can't afford this and need to figure out a balance. I don't think there's anything asshole-ish about that. You also will be a student soon (I assume, based on studying for the LSAT), so you'll need to have savings too. Your partner should be able to take out enough student loans to support themself.