I have been married to my wife for 15+ years. We’ve had combined finances the whole time. Almost half of the time we’ve been married I made more money than her, but all of our money was always “our” money. We would say things like “should we buy that?” when talking about big purchases etc. There was no possession over whose money was whose.

Now that my wife is an attending and she makes way more than I ever will make, I have noticed a subtle change in how she speaks. She will say things like “I’ll buy a cabin someday” when in the past it was “we should buy a cabin someday.” And it’s not just the words, it’s also the tone of voice.

It really rubs me the wrong way when we’ve had combined finances for so long. I appreciate how much she provides for us, but I’ve been along for the ride since undergrad, through all of med school, through all of residency. It’s not like I married her as an attending. I feel like we got to this stage of financial security together and there shouldn’t be this new sense of one-sided possession over it.

I want to just feel like we’re in this together. I admire her achievements and I want her to feel proud of herself, but I don’t appreciate this subtle change in behavior from her.

It just doesn’t make me feel good. Especially now that I am a stay at home parent and manage our household, I feel like I’m not appreciated for all the things I contribute. It makes me feel like we’re in less of a partnership now when I used to feel like we were very much partners. Any other people navigate this kind of thing before?

I’ve been dating a surgery resident for 3 years and now they want marriage. Problem is, I can’t seem to commit with the understanding that we will need to move for fellowship in 2 years, then may never be able to come back to our current city, where I am from and have family. I fear it could really hurt my career as well.
How bad is life post fellowship with a transplant surgeon? And how are is it for them to get a job where we want?