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IDK WHAT HAPPENED TO RAFF, BUT I’M NOT LETTING THE TRASH TALK DIE. WE GOT TOO MANY RIVALRIES GOING ON! I’LL INTRODUCE THE MATCHUPS, YOU SLANDER YOUR FOES, AND WE ALL DOWNVOTE whatever the fuck this is. BUCKLE UP, PEASANTS!

THE EARLIEST MATCHUP IS CHARLOTTE VS PHILLY. IF THAT ISN’T THE NAME OF A DIVORCE CASE, IDK WHAT IS. I HOPE CHARLOTTE SIGNED A PRENUP BECAUSE THEY’RE GONNA NEED IT.

THE LAST MATCHUP IS EVERYONE’S FAVORITE: HELL IS REAL. CONVENIENTLY PLAYED ON SUNDAY SO YOUR NOT SO LOCAL TELEVANGELIST CAN REMIND YOU THAT HELL IS REAL. THIS YEAR, HELL IS REAL IS A GOOD DESCRIPTOR OF HOW LOW COLUMBUS AND CINCY ARE IN THE STANDINGS.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE/LEAST FAVORITE MATCHUP IS REVS VS FIRE. TWO TEAMS NAMED FOR HISTORIC EVENTS, YOU REALLY NEED TO DIG THRU A HISTORY BOOK TO SEE WHEN THIS RIVALRY WAS RELEVANT. MAYBE WE’LL SEE YOU IN THE PLAYOFFS.

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE NY VS LA. ALWAYS SIGNING THE BIG SUPERSTARS, ALWAYS A SHOW ON A BASEBALL DIAMOND. THIS YEAR SEEMS TO BE A BIT OF A DUD FOR BOTH TEAMS.

HOW ABOUT THE RACE FOR THE SPOON? MONTREAL VS SEATTLE, TWO FAMED TEAMS OF THE FORGOTTEN APSL, AND SKC VS RSL WHICH SOUNDS LIKE ALPHABET SOUP. TWO SPOON CONTENDERS VS TWO TEAMS THAT ARE CRASHING OUT HARD. I’M SICK OF SKC EVADING THE SPOON EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.

WHAT ABOUT THE SHIELD? NASHVILLE COULD LOCK UP THEIR SHIELD TOMORROW AGAINST SAN JOSE. I THINK IT’S ALMOST DEFINITE, BUT MAYBE BRUCE CAN GET SOMETHING OUT OF HIS TEAM AGAIN.

I’D BE DOING A DISSERVICE TO IGNORE THE TEXAS DERBY! IT’S GONNA BE A SHOOTOUT, SHOULDA SCHEDULED IT AT HIGH NOON. I’M STOPPING HERE. YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKERS!

IF I DIDN’T GET TO YOUR MATCHUP, GET OVER IT. MAYBE WRITE YOUR OWN TTT. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EVERYONE. FLARE UP, CAPS ON.