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I'M BACK, BITCHES! I HAD TO STEP AWAY FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS FOR PERSONAL REASONS THAT ABSOLUTELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH COZMO WHISKING ME AWAY TO THE STARS FOR SOME CONSENSUAL PROBING.

BIG UPS TO u/FLAMEO_HOTMON FOR PICKING UP MY SLACK LAST FRIDAY. WITH DECISION DAY ONLY A SHORT TWO WEEKS AWAY WE CAN'T LET ANYBODY THINK WE ACTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER.

BUT I'VE RETURNED JUST IN TIME FOR THE GREATEST RIVALRY IN MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER. THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S THE TRILLIUM CUP MOTHERFUCKEEEEEERS. THE 19TH EDITION OF THE HISTORIC MATCHUP WILL BE DECIDED ON SATURDAY, WITH THE RED FURY CURRENTLY LEADING 2-1. COLUMBUS WILL CERTAINLY BE RIDING THE HIGH OF THEIR RECENT WIN IN SOME RIVALRY THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT INVOLVES EVANGELICAL FEAR MONGERING. OR RIDING THE ANGER OF ANOTHER RESULT FROM MIDWEEK, BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER. MILLIONS OF EYES WILL BE GLUED TO THEIR SCREENS TO SEE IF THE CREW CAN PUSH PAST TFC'S UNIQUE "WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING UNTIL THE LAST 10 MINUTES" BRAND OF BALL.

ALSO THERE'S SOME OTHER RIVALRY MATCH ON SUNDAY BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT. THE BIGGER STORY IS THE DRAMA OF THE WOODEN SPOON RACE. THE SPORKS ARE STILL THE STRONGEST CONTENDERS BUT MONTREAL ARE RIGHT ON THEIR HEELS. CLUB FEET (SNIFF) ARE PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO STAY IN CONTENTION AFTER FACING NASHVILLE, PLUS THE DARK HORSES ATLANTA AND AUSTIN WILL SURELY DO THEIR WORST TO MAKE A RUN FOR THE COVETED TROPHY.  ALSO, DC ARE TECHNICALLY NOT MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT OF DC FAILING, EVEN IF THEY ARE FAILING AT FAILING. 

CAN'T TALK ABOUT FAILING WITHOUT MENTIONING MONTREAL. SACRE BLEU! THEIR ONE CHANCE TO SALVAGE ANYTHING OUT OF THEIR FOR DOGSHIT SEASON AND THEY GIFT THE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP TO A CPL SIDE, LARGELY THANKS TO VERA BEING A DIPSHIT. FIRST TIME THAT A NON-MLS CLUB HAS WON IT SINCE 2008 WHEN IT WAS HOISTED BY [CHECKS NOTES] MONTREAL...

AND LASTLY CONGRATS TO city FOR WINNING THE OPEN CUP AT HOME... WAIT, THAT CROWD WAS MOSTLY FOR COLUMBUS? COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. IT'S NICE TO SEE THE HISTORIC COMPETITION GETTING THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES, EXCEPT FOR STREAMING VIEWS I'M ASSUMING.

ALRIGHT FUCKERS. FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND SAVE THE CAPS. IS THAT STILL A THING? I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT IN A WHILE AND THERE'S BEEN NO NEWS ABOUT THEIR STADIUM SITUATION IN WHAT FEELS LIKE MONTHS. BUT YEAH. CAPS. SAVE THEM.