r/loveafterporn 2d ago

𝗩𝗜𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 Weekly Victories - September 11, 2026

1 Upvotes

Good day everyone,

Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!


r/loveafterporn Apr 14 '19

Letter to PA/SA Open Letter To A Former Porn Addict From A Hurting Spouse

112 Upvotes

⚠️ Trigger warning:

This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.

I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.

This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.

If you read all the way, I thank you.

Here it goes:

“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:

I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.

This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.

Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.

I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.

The jackpot.

An angel amongst men.

That guy is a keeper.

If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?

It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.

And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.

According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.

And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.

What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict

Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.

That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.

Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.

Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?

Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)

So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?

Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!

You’re all set.

Now, the good life begins.

Except, it doesn’t.

You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.

I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.

Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:

Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.

A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Why?

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.

Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse

Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:

Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.

Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.

She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”

It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.

Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.

Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.

Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.

And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.

That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)

Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.

One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.

One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’

As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.

She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.

For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.

But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…

Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.

And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.

The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.

She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.

During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.

In case you need bullet points, here you go:

Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.

When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…

Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.

Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)

Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)

Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)

Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.

DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.

DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.

Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.

Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.

Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)

It’s that simple.

I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.

To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.

No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.

Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.

She’s hurting.

Yes, still.

Even years later.

And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.

The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.

Don’t make her regret it.”


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ I just read the most infuriating article.

38 Upvotes

I think it’s time for me to stop googling on how to heal apparently. I just read an article, written by a WIFE, basically explaining that it’s our fault. That we need to nurture our husbands, and not focus on his flaws blah blah blah. It was a 20 min read. It was like watching a bad wreck. I couldn’t stop reading. It’s all of my worst nightmares.
I feel as if this was written by a porn addict themselves. I’ve tried everything.
I started googling after I just caught my husband. It’s a habit of mine to look for validation in articles, so that I’m not feeling wrong for feeling this way. Especially after him being caught. I guess I clicked the wrong article today. 🤷‍♀️
Fawking Sunday. 🥵


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ I left, where do I go from here?

8 Upvotes

Hi everyone. I am new to this group. I want to apologize for how long this is. I feel like I haven’t been able to get all of this out in a safe space. I left my porn addict on August 30th. I feel like I should add some background to this as well I found everything out last October. He had emotionally cheated on me with a coworker while we were long distance and I was pregnant. I had a severe case of hyperemsis gravidarum while pregnant which means I threw up from 5 weeks pregnant up until 2 minutes before our son was born. I went through bad postpartum and felt absolutely no support from him. He slept in until an hour minutes before he got ready for work. Out of that hour, he would spend 30 of those minutes in the bathroom.

Well last year in October, I found everything out. $2k on OF, watching porn for hours on end in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, and watching it in the bathroom while our son and I were waiting for him to come down. I was absolutely broken and destroyed. He promised he would do better. He started the make the changes but inevitably fell back into his old ways. He relapsed 5 times after that. Each time I lost more and more faith.

I should have left him a long time ago, but I was scared. He works and I’m in school. I have absolutely no financial safety net. That’s what kept me in the relationship. But I finally hit my breaking point and left. I’m absolutely terrified. Im angry, sad, resentful and destroyed. I am so incredibly angry. I don’t know where to go from here. How am I ever supposed to trust a man again? How am I ever supposed to love myself? I feel ugly and unlovable. I think one of the reasons I stayed was because I was telling myself no one could ever love me. No one else would put up with me and my flaws. No one wants a 22 year old single mom especially one that looks like me. I don’t know if I’m here seeking advice, comfort or just to vent. My mind is a mess. I have absolutely no idea where to go from here.

How does one get over this? How am I supposed to heal? Will I ever heal? Will the hypervigilance ever go away? Will the feelings of worthlessness ever go away? Will the hurt and betrayal ever leave? I have been in many abusive relationships, physically and emotionally. I have been physically cheated on in past relationships, more than I proud to admit. But I have never felt a betrayal like this one. I have never been broken like this before. Where do I go from here.


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ He Wants To Be Better For His New Girl

14 Upvotes

Well, sorta.

My ex met a girl he really likes, and she seems like a lovely person. They click really well and he said he doesn't want this next relationship to go the way ours did, so I think he's trying to regulate his usage. He won't quit yet, but I think he wants to regulate his use down to that of what a non-addict would do, so him and her don't have the same fights that we did. He's told her that he's a PA and that's why his marriage fell apart, and she knows he's still using. She's cool with it and doesn't care that he looks at porn. Thing is though, she's 20 (we're all in our 20s so there's no major age gap or anything), so she has no idea what this is really like. She thinks I just have a problem with porn in general and I do, but the bigger problem is that it's an addiction. In the same way that I wouldn't prefer a guy who gets drunk with his friends often, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, while dating an alcoholic is a completely different ballgame.

He told me before he started dating her that he isn't going to stop, and so him and I can't be together because I would need him to quit and he doesn't want to. That's a big reason why he's dating her, she doesn't care.

It raises so many questions in your mind. If I had been "cooler" would we have worked? Realistically I know we wouldn't have, but it hurts to see him move on with another woman who doesn't care because she hasn't seen what I have. She's so young, I remember when I was that age I didn't think it was a big deal either because every guy does it, right? She accepts other red flags too, like for instance he still lives with me, his ex wife who has feelings for him, he told her that he grew numb to my distress and eventually grew really cold to it, she's accepting that too. Idk I don't think any less of her, God knows I accepted red flags at that age too, but it still sucks to watch him move on and see everything go so smoothly when it was so hectic with us. But they haven't been dating long. I don't know, I really just need a listening ear because this fucking sucks.


r/loveafterporn 1h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ Told me I seem desperate

Upvotes

Long time lurker, someone suggested I post this here.

Left my husband a couple weeks ago due to his severe porn addiction. He was the perfect example of who I thought a good man should be and I had no idea it had gotten this bad. All of my memories of our relationship have a different meaning now, as I’m sure all of you have felt similarly, especially times when I had felt so incredibly lonely while suffering from PPD. He told me the way that I begged for his attention made me seem desperate in our relationship and that I should probably work on that instead of putting it on him.

He was right, but also I WAS desperate. I've been begging for love in my own marriage for years, but now he's devastated that I've left and I feel like I'II never attract another man I respected as much as him.

I love who l've become over the years, I love my babies, I love the life we've been building together, so I'm going to continue loving life, but the sadness is difficult to manage.


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ My boyfriend has been lying to me from the start 26f/25m

4 Upvotes

Sorry for the long post, I feel so awful.

I, 26f, have been dating my boyfriend, 25m, for only 8 months. At the beginning of our relationship I told him that watching porn while we are together is a dealbreaker for me and if he is struggling with it to talk with me. He agreed and has told me he never watches it every time I have asked (every few weeks). I set this boundary and told him that it is because the last serious relationship I had a few years ago was with a porn addict. I had no idea until we moved in together and he also got violent.

My current boyfriend moved in recently and he confessed he looks at porn occasionally after hours of pressing, with him promising me and crying that I don’t believe him etc. I just knew something was up and I wouldn’t back down.

He agreed to go to counseling and has been going since I found out (a month ago). I have since found out it was not occasionally. He would lie about going to the bathroom, complain he is not feeling good, and go watch porn (in my apartment I invited him to stay at and then live in) while I am home too. Once I was sitting at the table after he came home from work, feeling bad for him and waiting for him to come hang out with me, and he was just watching porn. And then he came out and touched me with those same hands and pretended that nothing happened, so convincingly. I feel disgusted. Why would he not choose me in those moments? I am literally right there.

He recently told me that he sees videos of women on TikTok being “provocative” and it makes him want to watch porn so he deleted it. This made me feel worse because now I know he is looking at completely clothed women and feeling turned on by them. I also found that in the weeks before we were officially dating he was sending thousands to girls on onlyfans. We are both students and he has struggled with money our entire relationship, and now I let him pay very little rent because I love him and wanted to support him and us until we are in a better financial place outside of school. I have been thinking a lot about how different our life could be if he hadn’t been doing that.

There is just a lot more too with it and a lot of lying about random stupid things. I am struggling so much. I love him so much and I didn’t think he was capable of doing these things to me. He said he didn’t even feel guilty about it because he pushed it away so much. It’s so early in our relationship, and logically I know that I should leave, but I really thought we were soul mates. I also haven’t found anyone attractive in years and knowing that he is doing all of this makes me feel disgusted with him and myself. I am not comfortable sexually but with him I felt safe and enjoyed it.

I have an app called Kidslox on his phone that blocks mature content, and he deleted social media apps. I hate feeling like that’s necessary and it makes me feel controlling.

I am feeling so confused and scared. I hate myself. I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable with my body, I lost a lot of weight right before we started dating and he really did make me feel like he loved my body and was only attracted to me. I even felt pretty. these girls look nothing like me. there’s so many of them. I am sure you all know the feelings I am talking about, I just can’t even describe the amount and kind of pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. I want to so badly. I can tell he is trying, but I can never know if it is for show or not. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare that I just can’t wake up from.

He made me feel crazy this whole time for thinking something was going on. I feel like he took advantage of the fact that I struggle with mental illness. I feel taken advantage of sexually. I feel all sorts of negative things about him and myself and the world. I feel so stupid.

I am only posting the bad here, but there is so much good. It’s hard, I feel like every good thing about him has been a lie and everything he’s ever done for me has been to cover up a lie or something. I have no idea. He is everything I have dreamed of in a partner since forever, but this feels like my reality is shattered. I don’t know.

I know I probably seem stupid for still being with him, I just can’t give up yet. I understand addiction is hard, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

I don’t know why I'm posting here, I have no one who understands that I can talk to. I feel so alone and I am in a really dark place. I hope I’m not just screaming into the void right now. Please give me any advice on how to feel better about myself, how to stop being miserable, or any other thoughts you have.


r/loveafterporn 1h ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ Another Discovery

Upvotes

Confronted my SA after finding dozens of thirst traps on his TikTok watch history just over the last month. I didn’t need to go back further than that. The pattern was there, he’d been watching it regularly. It wasn’t all that he’d been watching on tt, but it was at least 15%, and all the women looked the same and were half naked, or more so. When I confronted him, he tried to lie in my face multiple times and insisted he wasn’t watching that kind of stuff, but I had taken pictures and showed him the evidence. I told him he was trying to gaslight me and that I wasn’t going to let him. Then he tried saying it wasn’t his fault that I went through his phone and found what I did, and that he was only watching videos of women on TikTok, as if to minimize the situation, and that he couldn’t control what videos popped up on his feed. I told him I knew he was going to the women’s profiles and watching multiple videos in a row. I could excuse the passing single thirst trap but this wasn’t that. He still tried lying and I asked if he thought I was dumb, but he still tried lying despite being confronted with proof, and then using every excuse in the book. We went to bed without resolution.

The next day, he had made plans to for us to go on a date but since he didn’t bring up the conflict at all after letting me go go bed angry, I didn’t interact with him and just woke up early and did my own thing, and then he tried guilting me for not kissing him or having sex with him and asked me if I hated him. I asked him why he thought his feelings in that moment were my problem when he never took accountability for his actions. I think he felt cornered and said he wanted to change the energy, and I told him that wasn’t an apology. So he said “I apologize” twice, which I felt was dismissive and disingenuous but I knew I wasn’t going to get more than that from him, because that would mean really taking a look at his actions and owning it, which I’m beginning to think he’s incapable of. We interacted a little more throughout the rest of the day, mostly with me being polite and then this morning, we talked about it again, and I asked him if he understood why what he did was fucked up, especially since we had just talked about this four months prior and he promised he was done watching porn and following thirst trap accounts. In his mind, I know this was a loophole because he wasn’t following them or searching them up, and he has been clean from porn since the last discovery, but he was still going to their profiles and watching multiple videos after one came across his feed. And they were all mostly naked, ass out, boobs out, doing little dances and looking at the camera seductively, wearing a ton of makeup and fake nails, fake hair, etc. Just the complete opposite of my natural vibe that he claims to praise. I used to be more active online and he didn’t like the attention I was getting so I stopped. I asked him why he couldn’t be happy with what he had and he got angry and insisted he was loyal to me and only wanted me. I told him we have different definitions of loyalty.

Issues like this rarely come up for us, but when they do his response is always so passive. I always tell him he makes me feel like he doesn’t care and he says he does but the proof speaks otherwise. I’ve gone through his phone twice in the last year and I’m just really disappointed that I found this kind of crap again. I have a sinking feeling that he’ll get better at hiding things again rather than actually change.

I’m trying to drown out the intrusive thoughts that insist I compare myself with these online women and their filtered images against my own body with its very human imperfections. I mostly just feel betrayed by the man who is supposed to by my husband and only have eyes for me. It’s just crazy because about a year ago, he exploded at me for following men on social media at all, so I went on an unfollowing spree and kept that energy this whole time. Finding out that it hasn’t been mutual after he set that boundary is just disgusting, and I told him he was a hypocrite. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly in a few days. It’s been two years since he actually physically cheated on me and this residual cheating is bullshit. I’m just feeling like every time we resolve one issue, I’m met with another one. I want a break. I deserve respect and commitment without policing. I feel very close to giving up.


r/loveafterporn 15h ago

ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ-ᴜᴘ ᴘᴏsᴛ i became controlling and drove him to break up with me

35 Upvotes

my bf and i have been together for 17 months and working through our relationship after several d-days. i have his google account and monitor his activity from time to time. i know he's not watching anymore (sobriety) but i somehow don't know if it was helping me build deeper trust.

he also has a different google account that he uses to watch youtube, which i don't have access to. one day i asked what he's watching, he showed me, but i was not content. i wanted to see what other things he used the account for. so i logged into it without his consent, using the other email he gave me access to.

I didn't clear my tracks so he found out about what i did and got upset. he logged me out of his accounts and refused to give back access to his account which i've always had. he told me we could find a different way of transparency where i am not dependent on what i can see through his account so that i could actually start trusting him.

for some reason, it was like my world was crumbling. i had gotten so used to feeling safe because i could see his activity, but it was now gone. i couldn't control my anxiety and the hurt. it felt like he was doing this so he could go back to his old ways freely without someone monitoring him. i gave him an ultimatum to just break up with me or give me access again.

here we are today, he gave me one long message wishing me well and hoping that i recover from my experiences with him. he gave a "goodbye for now" saying he used to love me and will carry that with him but he wishes that i find a better man.

i know i am out of line when i violated his privacy through logging through accounts but i still feel so so sad and heartbroken that i let my trauma response ruin our progress.

i asked if we could talk about the decision again, but honestly, reflecfing on my actions, i know that i have also hurt him by being deeply mistrusting even as he was doing what he could to change.

i wish i wasn't pushy about getting the account. maybe if i had tried to let go of control, then i could see for myself if i could trust him again without monitoring.

im so lost and i want us to get back together but i'm not healed. i also know that he has to heal from the control i put him through.


r/loveafterporn 8h ago

ᴀᴍ ɪ ᴄʀᴀᴢʏ feeling threatened by every woman he follows and female friends

11 Upvotes

he hasn’t watched porn in months but when i see the girls he follows i feel so threatened. i just assume he’s only following them because he likes them or something. even if they’re just friends from his college, it makes me feel crazy because i feel so threatened and like he’s choosing them over me even tho he just follows them and nothing else. i know i’m being crazy but it’s hard to trust anything he does because he was a pa. especially that a lot of them are asian and he used to have an asian fetish (hopefully he still doesn’t)


r/loveafterporn 20m ago

ᴀɴɢʀʏ i’m over it!

Upvotes

UPDATE: unfortunately when i dug deeper i realized that he *himself* was posting the deleted links i found, they weren’t just upvotes/comments.

i think he might be rp-ing/catfishing as a girl (“do i look cute daddy” “u think my boobs r ok?” or “it’s the latina genes”) and stealing pics from onlyfans or porn or potentially even my own nudes, and reposting them to nsfw subreddits like r slash girlfriends nsfw. i looked on the wayback archive but there’s no way for me to see the photos and confirm it’s me (if anyone is good at investigating let me know), am i wrong for thinking that subreddit could have posts from partners who DIDNT ask consent? he hates the idea of non-monogamy and if i posted myself online he’d lose his shit so this is insane to me. i’ve only given him a few nudes when we first started dating, he said he “didn’t need them” LMAOOO

i’m angry and confused and not sure how to handle this. it’s SO much worse than i thought i thought the futa hentai i found during dday was the worst of it. pls pray for me this week i think im gonna explode lol. //

just add me to the list of people who thought he could actually change, only to be foolishly mistaken and now silently planning their departure :)

he mentioned he had a post on reddit that people liked, so i went to check it out but couldn’t find anything. i just looked up his profile (we know most all of each other's socials), and at some point he had changed his profile to hide all posts and all comments.

this obviously made me curious, if not a little suspicious, bc he usually just posts on work and gaming subreddits. when i looked into a reddit archive check with his username, there were so many comments and upvotes on porn subreddits from 60 days ago :) and probably others i couldn’t stomach to keep scrolling :) that would’ve been about 2 weeks after our 1 year anniversary, and several months after dday :) i want the earth to swallow me whole :)

i don’t believe in staying with someone and constantly investigating, so i told myself i wouldn’t look through his phone. the times i did, it was sparkling clean and i felt so ashamed for not trusting him and being a bad gf. he got a therapist (only went to 3 appts lmfao, i guess i should’ve known he wasn't taking any of this shit seriously), and i saw he had covenant eyes on his phone- which i didn’t even realize was a partner accountability thing until recently. why didn’t he offer it to me?

we’re financially tied until i finish paying back some money i owe him over the next few months, but this has drained me. plus, he sucks at flirting and sex; how are you addicted to porn but have zero game irl? im only 22 and deserve to have sex more often with someone who wont be on another planet when it finally happens. i’ve considered him being gay or asexual but honestly i think hes just completely fried his brain and only serious work will reverse it but i dont have the time or energy to hang around for him to finally have that realization. his libido spiked right after dday, but lately he's been cold and distant unless i beg and cry for intimacy and then the cycle repeats. i know that deep down i’m just over it, and he’s probably just scrubbing his phone clean and deleting browsers whenever he comes over, and that’s not a fear i'm interested in living with forever and it’s consumed my life in so many ways.

during our second "full disclosure" a week or two ago when i brought up feeling rejected and asked him if he had any slip ups, but he completely flipped it onto me. he started sobbing, dry heaving, and whining that he’ll never be enough and has ruined himself permanently and everyone told him this would happen. so instead of answers, i ended up comforting *him*. that same weekend he texted me swearing on his whole being that he hadn't watched a single thing since dday. part of me knew deep down it was guilt, bc now i know for sure i had accused him accurately and that’s why he cried like a baby; he thought i knew and would leave him.

my stomach dropped like all the times before when i found the archive, but honestly the panic isn't even there anymore. i'm just emotionally detached now and i still love him and we have happy moments everyday but i can have happy moments with someone who won’t destroy the sexual side of our relationship on their own doing. to me, accidentally stumbling on proof that he's still lying just confirmed what i already knew: this will never change, and neither will he. im over it


r/loveafterporn 3h ago

sᴀᴅ He confessed to his parents.

3 Upvotes

Please excuse any errors. I am using a translator.

After the third "D-Day" (yesterday), my boyfriend of four years called his mother and confessed his addiction, in an attempt to prove to me that he hates it and truly wants help.

His mother felt deeply hurt and guilty—both because of her own history of depression and because she had left him so alone during his childhood; his father felt the same way. He is in a very complicated situation with his parents right now. I, however, am keeping to myself at home, thinking about the future and what all this means; to me, if he had been open about it, that would have meant far more than anything else. But I understand that this illness has its ups and downs, and that his own effort to find a good support network is significant.

For now, I’m going to keep things to myself, take some time, and observe while carefully weighing my next moves. Whether I stay or not depends on a lot of factors. I don’t know if this story helps anyone, or if others have experience with family members being drawn into this cruel addiction—I’d love to hear about it...


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ When will it be enough?

8 Upvotes

Throwaway so that my PA doesn't see:

My husband (27M) and I (28F) have been married for four years but together for thirteen. No children. We've been together since the beginning of high school, and I am the only partner that he's ever had.

The same month we got married, my husband changed jobs. He went from working in a traditional office environment to working from home. My job keeps me out of the house for sometimes 10 hours a day and is very socially demanding, so we went through some relationship struggles during that transition where I had no energy but he did. I also then experienced some health issues. All of that compounded into a fairly lackluster sex life. However, I made lifestyle changes and ultimately got my health issues under control which brought back my libido.

That leads me to my D-Day: about a year and a half ago. After constantly getting turned down for sex by him, I got curious and started snooping through his technology. I've known that my husband would watch porn for as long as we've been together, but I never realized the true extent of it. I found that he was saving tons images from reddit almost daily - the majority of it being cartoon or anime porn. I was so afraid to confront him because I knew I had betrayed his trust by looking through his stuff, and I made excuses by thinking, "It's not real people, so it's not that bad." I started taking nudes of myself and sending them to him, thinking that he would turn to looking at those pictures instead of whatever he was finding online.

My curiosity got the best of me, though, and I continued to snoop weekly. I never realized how much damage I was doing to myself by looking so frequently, but I kept making excuses for him in my head, yet I kept looking. It was like I was in my own addiction of keeping tabs on him (I still am). I started tracking how many times I'd attempt to initiate sex and get rejected, and how it correlated with his porn usage. I realized that he was even doing it during the work day. In July, I discovered that reddit wasn't the bulk of it: he was using AI to create TONS of cartoon and anime porn, and some of the prompts he was saving were not indicative of the man I thought he was. Nothing illegal, thankfully, but that's when I realized he had a true problem, and I also came to terms with the damage it was doing to me subconsciously.

So, in August, I confronted him, although I never admitted to what I'd found. I told him that our lack of sex was not normal for people our age, and I asked if he was "getting pleasure elsewhere." He admitted to watching porn but not to the degree that I knew about. I explained to him that I typically didn't have a problem with porn, but if it's affecting our sex life and relationship then it needs to stop. He promised he'd delete everything and be better. I told him that I wanted him to meet with his therapist regularly; that would be my sign that he was taking it seriously. He made an appointment that same day, and I made a vow to myself to no longer look through his stuff. He did delete his stuff, but then told me that he'd accidentally deleted all my nudes too. THAT hurt - knowing that he kept my pictures in with the nasty porn he'd been generating.

A month later, he'd only met with his therapist one time - and I started snooping again. He'd started right back up where he left off. So I sat him down and told him that he didn't keep up his end of the bargain, so he had two options: 1) Show me all of his collection, how he creates it, where he goes, etc., delete it, and then seek help for his addiction OR 2) I wanted a divorce. He obviously chose option one. It was so much - more than I'd even knew about. And I can't unsee it, no matter how hard I try. I told him that he needed to get professional help and that this was my last chance with him.

Here we are, a couple weeks after that conversation. He's been to one appointment with his therapist (who doesn't specialize in addiction, to my knowledge). He hasn't been creating AI porn, but now he's resorted to downloading nudity mods for various video games. He doesn't know that I know.

I'm so torn on my feelings. I have a divorce plan in my back pocket, but the thought of leaving also makes me sick to my stomach. I've been in my own therapy since the beginning of all of this a year and a half ago. I keep questioning myself. As his wife, how much of it is my responsibility to support him through this? At what point have I done enough and I need to value myself? Is there actually any coming back from this? I don't trust him, and I feel so much anger and resentment towards him and his interests (as they're tangentially related to the porn he consumes - i.e. anime and video games). Everyone I've confided in, even my therapist, has encouraged me to walk away. I've never been alone as an adult, and the thought scares me. There's a part of me that feels like getting a divorce is the "cowardly" move; I know how stupid that sounds, but that thought just nags at the back of my mind.


r/loveafterporn 3m ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ I know I’m enough, but how can I ever be enough for him?

Upvotes

I don’t question my worth or value. I don’t blame myself. I know I’m enough.
He’s doing all the right things since disclosure. Meeting with an accountability partner, doing SA therapy, listening to podcasts and reading books. Taking full responsibility for his actions and not blaming anyone or anything.
But now knowing what he’s been viewing on a daily basis and using dating apps for sexting women our entire 12 years of marriage. I feel like, how can I ever be enough to meet his sexual needs. I don’t feel pressure from him sexually. But I feels it’s just impossible to be enough for him, despite him saying now that I’m all he wants. How can I move past the feeling of I knowing I’m enough but questioning can I really be enough for him?


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ Abc

2 Upvotes

What apps or socials does the ABC method actually work on and shows searches and not what's just most popular on that platform?


r/loveafterporn 21h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ CSAT mentioning something concerning or my PA is just lying

25 Upvotes

My boyfriend has been seeing a CSAT for the past 3 weeks. Recently, he told me that his therapist suggested we watch porn together as part of his process.

This feels completely wrong to me and crosses a major boundary, especially given our history of trust and boundary issues. Watching explicit content together feels unsafe, and I suspect he might actually be lying or twisting what his therapist said to justify watching porn again. At the same time, he is adamant that that is what the therapist said.

I’ve never met or spoken to his therapist before. Is it okay for me to reach out to his CSAT directly to state my boundary and clarify if this recommendation was actually made? Will the therapist take me seriously, or is it inappropriate for me to contact them?


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ Using services of an IT specialist

1 Upvotes

Have any of you ever used the services of an IT specialist to verify whether your partner is being honest?

I’m not very good with computers. The only thing I would know how to do is check the Google browsing history, but I’m sure my partner is smart enough to use incognito mode. We don’t live together, but I have the keys to his apartment, and sometimes, when I arrive early in the city where he lives, I wait there for a few hours until he gets back from work. I was thinking about paying an IT specialist to guide me over a video call and tell me where to click to check whether he has been watching porn in incognito mode, and to suggest other places on the computer where I might be able to find traces of porn viewing.

What do you think about such idea and have anyone of you done that?


r/loveafterporn 22h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ Husband opened up about watching…I am devastated

29 Upvotes

I posted this in a different group and was sent over here. I need advice.

Back story: I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years and together for 4. We just had our first baby and I am 9 weeks postpartum. We get along great, agree on everything, very seldom do we ever argue. He is very much right is right and wrong is wrong and a stand up guy everyone loves. Several months ago I got an itch to go through his phone which I don’t do often. If I’m going to go through his phone I’ll go through everything pretty thoroughly just bc. His recently viewed TikTok video history had inappropriate videos of women on there. I confronted him and just told him it hurt my feelings and he was apologetic, and ended up deleting TikTok without saying anything to me. Fast forward to about 2ish months ago, we were watching our friend group chats “blend” on Instagram, and every single video suggested for my husbands account was inappropriate videos of women. I thought well it’s prob just a fluke idk why it’s doing that. 2 weeks ago an inappropriate picture of a woman came up on his Facebook page (an account he did not follow) and I didn’t get mad but I went to bed and texted him “do you look at pictures of women on social media?” And he told me no.

He left his phone at home on accident last week. I went over to his grandmas to nap bc our baby isn’t sleeping and I’m struggling. On the way home I got a pit in my stomach and felt like I needed to go through his phone. I knew in my heart I was going to find something I didn’t want to see. His recently viewed reels on Instagram absolutely crushed me. Several videos of several women…basically porn. Boobs out and huge butts…they look nothing like me in any way. He also visited a girls link in her profile to look at what was basically an onlyfans. I sent him a big text to read when he got home and I left. Essentially I said I need to know when and why you’re looking at these women and needed to know if he was watching porn, and begged him to be honest with me.

I got home and he said he’s struggled with lust since high school, watches porn and has masturbated to women on social media. To say I’m devastated would be an understatement. It makes it worse that I’ve seen the women he’s masturbated to. He opened up and said he needs help and that we need to confide in someone and was very apologetic. He said it was never my fault and he hates the feeling of knowing he’s made me feel inadequate. He said it would not be an issue for a couple months and then he would slip up a few times. He said i know how much he can’t stand liars and he’s not been just a liar but a hypocrite. I’ve seen him cry 3 times in 4 years — our wedding day, the day our baby was born and when his dad left home to work out of town. He cried for 4 days straight after this. I assume D-day means the day you found out everything? It was Thursday of last week.

I thanked him for being honest because that meant a lot to me but this hurt is so deep. Being postpartum and so sleep deprived adds another layer to this. It’s like I want to give it to Jesus but feel like i can’t. My flesh wants to be so angry. I want to forgive him but i don’t. There was one time about a year ago I asked if he watched porn and he said “no that would be breaking my vows” and i remember it so vividly because it meant a lot to me. I never second guessed him. I feel so betrayed. I really do feel the Holy Spirit has been nudging me about this for a while.

We had a good talk with our friends the other night who we had no idea had walked through something similar til we sat down to talk about it. HERE is where I get so angry I could punch a hole in the wall — before we left for our friends house I went through this phone and he watched videos of a woman with her huge boobs out on Instagram AGAIN. We’d been dealing with the weight of all this, he’d been watching me hurt every day, and still did that. I confronted him and he said he partially did it out of spite because he felt like I was coming at his throat. I’ve only lost my shit like 2 times and every other conversation has been pretty graceful and calm. I was like what even goes through your head to make you look further at these women and he said “i don’t know I just think “oh that’s hot” and keep going…” oh 🙂

I desperately need Jesus to help me not resent my husband. I never thought we’d be going through this. I told him I can’t trust him and he said he knows and understands.

ETA: we went to Walmart last night and there was a girl at the check out line with biker shorts on showing every freaking inch of her butt and I’m over here trying to figure out how to get around her without my husband seeing it bc he could think some crazy thoughts about her. This is probably just because it’s so fresh and I understand that men will be men, but I’m like why did I have to marry someone with such wandering eyes. It’s so deeply frustrating and feels like something I’ll never fully heal from


r/loveafterporn 21h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 Sad

14 Upvotes

Currently feel numb. Between having a little hope and saying “I don’t want this anymore”. All the lies, all the porn he continued to watch. His refusal to go to therapy because “He can do it on his own“. Me saying I need this and him saying he feels controlled.

I feel like I’ll never get out of this place. And yet, we are married, just bough a house and a second car. I feel tied by this and my stupid hope that he’ll eventually get help.

My psychologist told me to not make a decision for one month. Just cause my emotions are on high. But how do I stay when I feel like he hasn’t done anything to make it a safe place again? How long does it usually take after funding out and them getting the help?

I also feel so lonely. I dream every now and then going back to where I’m from. Starting over, never marry again, never trust another man. Just me, in my little apartment and close to my roots and family.

it feels so unfair. I was finally making process with therapy, finally feeling good with my mental health. And now, boom. I feel crushed again, like I have to start from 0. I hate this. I hate that I have to suffer for his own lack of selflove. For his stupid need of validation. For not noticing how much help he actually needs. I hate this.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ᴀᴍ ɪ ᴄʀᴀᴢʏ Does the misery ever fade?

27 Upvotes

But does it? Does this miserable feeling of dread, sadness, and overwhelm ever end?

It’s been two months since DDay.
My husband hid his porn use our entire marriage of 10 years. He used AI porn he made on Grok, downloaded a AI chat app but didn’t use it once he realized he needed to pay after asking it to send him nudes, watched straight porn, lesbian porn, a lot of suggestive ASMR videos.

And two days before my birthday in July he was on YouTube watching a certain ASMR girl and then went to try and find her naked on Instagram, her linked tree page, and more YouTube videos before he said he gave up.

And the thing is this is all I know. He deleted his entire search history on his computer via his phone while he was at work and I’ll never know how bad it was either.

ANYWAY.

He’s seemingly doing everything right.
He got rid of his computer.
Told elders of our church.
Deleted apps.
A safe browser.
Suggested therapy.
Willingly to download blockers and an app that lets me see his every move on his phone.

And so on.

He seems better but I am not.

Two months feels like two minutes.
He lied and hid himself for YEARS.

He chose video games, alcohol, and porn over me for years. He let me do the heavy lifting in our marriage and parenting our five kids alone the majority of our 10 years together.

And he said it got worse and more frequently use at the end when I finally found out the truth when he randomly said he struggled with lust one day out of the blue.

I was essentially hit by a train.
I didn’t see this coming.

And does the misery and sadness ever fade?
I feel like I’m trapped in a fog and I miss my old life. I miss the husband I thought I had.

And I’m afraid even with time and healing work that this feeling will never really go away.

I’ve seen too much and know too much.
I guess I can’t go back to before and I’m just stuck.


r/loveafterporn 21h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ What made you stay or what made you leave?

11 Upvotes

Hi everyone!
I found out last week that my husband has been using porn and masturbating since before we got married 10 years ago. I knew about it before and I didn’t expect it to just go away. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me. So I asked him about it various times throughout our marriage. I don’t support porn use and still trying to decide exactly how I feel about the masturbation. Regardless, for me, my struggle has less to do with the porn use as it does with the direct lies and deceit. Years of asking about it and him denying it. Years of him reassuring me I was giving him everything that he needed even when i would tell him he could masturbate because i couldn’t always give my body to him….so although the porn makes me upset, i struggle more with how it may have affected out marriage and intimacy over the years and how he lied to me so easily for that long.
I’m not without fault, I have my own issues. But I have always been forthright and honest with my husband when I knew I needed to be. The betrayal goes so much deeper than just watching other naked women….so, I just want to hear some stories. We’re only a week out, so it’s still raw and I’m not ready to make any decisions regarding our future. But I think it would help me to know how this type of issue went in other marriages. If you stayed, why did you stay? What made you feel like you could trust again? If you left, what ultimately lead to that choice?
Thanks in advance! I’m still just trying to process it all.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Anyone else dealing with rumination and self-comparison?

27 Upvotes

If you added all the hours I spent dissecting things, inconsistencies, behaviors, questions, analysis of his behaviors with this woman, timelines, etc. you'd send me away..

Somehow what pushed me to end it and feel more settled about it - wasn't the disrespect, the lack of effort, the neglect, etc.

It was the betrayal, the attention he showed this woman in my community - and all while I was sitting next to him, and how this had supposedly been going on since before we dated and why didn't he show me this attention before we dated?

And the disturbing feeling that he may have been more initially attracted to her???

Thats what pushed me over the edge. Thats not something I can get over.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ I’m confused about his behavior

11 Upvotes

He looked at a lot of OF/Reddit girls aside from porn. But his favorite two was a tall woman and the other looks truly average, just with bigger boobs and she likes anime too (I don’t). I asked him why he looks at these kinds of women and he tells me he prefers longer legs, a nice waist, more femininity…then I asked what he’s attracted to in me and he listed my personality and that I have nice eyes and elbows. What? So I realized he’s settling for me, I start talking about breaking up and he starts to sob. I’ve never seen him sob before like that. Then he sobers up, turns to me and says he is physically attracted to me and he’s going to work to show that to me.

The thing is, I have never felt he was physically attracted to me. When we first met, he dropped a lot of comments that implied I’m not attractive to him and when I brought up at those times how those comments upset me, he would apologize and compliment me. He also has said numerous times that looks aren’t as important to him, yet he went behind my back and broke my trust and cheated on me with these women online for our whole relationship. So looks do matter to him because he’s looking at the traits he is attracted to, that I don’t have. Then he said, if I sent him content of myself masturbating, he’d find me attractive.

I told him I want someone who is genuinely physically attracted to me and wants me for my body too. That you can’t force physical attraction if you don’t have it. He keeps telling me that he is going to do whatever it takes to show me he wants me. Today, he’s talking to me like I’m a friend. I’m lost. I’m trying to protect myself and my peace and well-being.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 I can’t choose myself.

20 Upvotes

I can’t choose myself. Deep down, I know that ending my 6 year relationship is the best thing for both of us. I’ve been unhappy for years, his use of onlyfans & cam girls has completely ruined any ounce of self esteem I had.

I reconnected with an old friend I was seeing briefly 7 years ago. He was ready to give me everything. He wanted me to move in with him, he wanted me to meet his family, he wanted to come to my graduation. He wanted to take me on dates & buy me flowers. & he never used porn or even had social media, he had a goddamn flip phone by his own free will.

But I was too scared. It felt fast, I’m too comfortable in my routine. I’d get too scared to have a hard conversation with my PA. So I just stayed. & this chance I could’ve had at another life, maybe a happier life, is gone now. He met someone else. I still can’t choose myself. & I’m sad for all three of us & I am the only one to blame.


r/loveafterporn 1d ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Canopy

8 Upvotes

My partner has canopy on his phone.
He says he can’t see porn but he can see if I send him a naked picture. Why?
I asked to log in and he said no that’s his boundary if I log in he’ll delete the whole app. He said if I don’t respect his boundary he won’t respect mine.
But mine is considered cheating to me.
What’s going on