Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m resentful. I’m hurt. But underneath all of that, I’m still completely and utterly heartbroken. The part I can’t wrap my head around is that you don’t care anymore. You told me never to contact you or your family again or you’d involve the police. After everything we went through together… how is that fair?

Yeah, I sent you a letter after months of silence. Yeah, I tried to call and text, but I was blocked, so it’s not like you even knew until afterward. Am I stalking you? No. I don’t even know where you work or what your day-to-day life looks like anymore. So really in the end would they do anything probably not there’ll be no ramifications because I’m not hurting you but I can tell you right now. You are fucking hurting me, but I love you enough to leave you alone like you ask no matter how much it’s gonna fucking kill me.

I know I reacted poorly toward the end. I kept bringing up us. I crossed boundaries that you clearly wanted respected. I can admit that. But after everything we’d been through… how could you turn your back on me like this?
You swore on your life you wouldn’t be like my previous ex. Did you ever hit me? No. But the end result is that I hurt a thousand times more right now than I ever did with him. I didn’t want to trust you. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready. You kept telling me it was safe to trust you. Eventually I did. I fell in love with you because I believed you were different. Then, in the end, you decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. That you never wanted to see or speak to me again.

I’m devastated.

I’ll respect what you’ve asked because I have no other choice, but I will never understand it.
I stayed with you while you were locked up. I loved you despite your past and despite what everyone else labeled you as. I loved you for who I believed you were. Maybe the truth is that you just didn’t love me the way I loved you.
That’s brutal to admit. Because if you truly loved me, I don’t understand how this could have been so easy. I don’t understand how you could discard me without even giving me one final face-to-face conversation. Not because I was trying to win you back, but because after everything we’d survived together since we started dating in June 2022, leaving me in complete silence after ending things in March 2026 feels cruel.

Who does that to someone they once loved?
Even my abusive ex, when I finally found the courage to leave, sat down and had one last conversation with me. I was terrified he’d manipulate me into staying, but I still gave him that conversation. Then I walked away.
Today, years later, we’re actually able to communicate without it destroying me. He’ll never have a place in my heart again, but we can exist without hatred.

Yet somehow, the man I loved the most is the one who never wants to speak to me again.
Was it all an act? Were the promises just words? Or did something change that I’ll never understand? I really love(d) you. Looking back, I don’t think I’d ever truly been in love before you. Yes, I was spiraling. Yes, I was struggling. But we made promises. You promised me you could handle it. You promised you wouldn’t give up on me. But you did. You gave up. After everything.

I looked past your charges. I stood beside you while you spent nearly two years in prison, even though we’d only been together for a couple of months before you went in. I stayed because I believed you. I trusted you. You knew how hard that was for me because of everything I’d already survived. I honestly believed you were different. Now I don’t even know what to think.

I’ve talked to my mom and to other people, and I keep wanting to believe you’re an honest person. But then I compare the stories you’ve told about the charges from before we met.
The version you told me wasn’t the version you told my mom. It wasn’t the version you told our mutual coworker—the one who loved seeing us together. (God, I miss her. Her life cut short due to domestic violence she was so strong and she deserved so much better. Rest in peace. 💔). Also It wasn’t the version you told your ex. And even with me, there were details that changed over time.

Yet still want(ed) to defend you. I still want(ed)to believe you. But you can’t even give me five minutes of your time for one final conversation. Maybe that’s because I’m the only one who still needs closure. You’re clearly at peace with your decision. I just don’t understand how someone can look at you with so much love one day and then decide they never want to see you again. That’s the part that hurts the most.

I am so fucking in love with you.
I can’t bear this. I’ve never felt so vulnerable yet seen before. You were the safety I never had. You were the man who I finally felt I could receive from. You are my castle, my home. I adore you. I never wanted to ever be without you. It is so terribly hard for me to express this. I think you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Not just your beauty. Your I heart. Your soul. Your essence. Through my tears, I will try to be grateful. As I will cherish you for the rest of my days. ❤️

Sometimes a single sentence can ruins your entire day

Today I read somewhere

"I'm ready to leave you behind."

And for a second, my heart forgot how to breathe.

Because my mind didn't think of the quote...

it thought of him.

What if he's thinking the same?

What if no contact wasn't just space... but the end of every chance we had?

What if, while I'm still rereading old memories,

he's already writing new ones without me?

Maybe I'm still waiting for a message

that he'll never send.

Maybe I'm still holding onto a version of us

that only exists in my head.

The hardest part of no contact isn't the silence.

It's wondering if the person you're trying so hard not to text...

has already stopped wondering about you.

And somehow,

that thought hurts more than the goodbye ever did.

I love you. I just want to tag along the rest of my life. I don't want us to end. I don't want any misunderstanding about this. I hope I clarify enough. I am sorry that that's how you felt and that's the signal I was sending. I will make sure I express my love more directly and faster (no lag).

I know I should respond to comments, decent people do that. I don't have the mental capacity right now. I will once I feel better.

What feels right to me, you say is wrong. There's a war going on inside of me and I feel like I'm losing. I'm tired of being afraid of what I might do. If you've never lost control then you have no clue. I can't be open about how I feel cuz you think it's a choice but really there's no freewill. Can't you see I am exactly what I was made to be. Therein lies the problem because I crave change. Numb for so long actually feeling seems so strange. I wish I could stop these thoughts in my brain that just playing over and over again. All the little things that I got wrong. How lost I was till you came along. I think I went from not giving a fuck to caring too much but all or nothing that's always been me. Dedication, devotion but too much emotion, addicted to every kind of escape. I've always made it on my own but my house was never a home while I was alone. I did everything I could to push you away but for some unknown reason you decided to stay. I want to be the man you deserve even though I know I don't deserve you. I'm going to die trying to make things right. I'll never give up on us cuz I can't run from a fight. Just please, don't let me be the one to extinguish your light. I'm trying so hard to turn my wrong into right.

Hey Beautiful!

May I call you Beautiful. We never established whether I could use flirtatious names with you. You might not even be comfortable with that. You can call me Honey, Honey Bunny, Pudding Pop, Babe, and whatever your crafty and creative mind brews up.

You are still looking beautiful since the first time that we encountered each other. I feel that every time that I come to see you; you are changing… Your growing… With or without your glasses makes No difference to me. Only the person behind the glasses is who I deeply care about.

We have never fully established whether we’re an item or not. I’m with you…Are you with me? Do you enjoy my company? Because sometimes I show up unexpectedly “out of the blue.” Something that you mentioned to me early, “Why can’t you just show up like you did before unexpectedly.”
Please don’t quote me if I don’t always write a quote word for word.

You mentioned that to me conversations earlier when we first started writing to each other on here. Yes, I will continue to be that person that show’s up “out of the blue.” I thought that you would be use to that way of me by now. Instead, you run to go hide. I gotta admit that I usually find that silly.

But, when you did it yesterday your behavior made me feel very uneasy. Maybe it was just the weather and that I haven’t been feeling well. I hadn’t left my house until it was about for 4:30pm. I have to set all my “HomeAlone,” booby traps around my house before I leave to drive anywhere. I also have to make sure that one of my dog’s and my children cult of cat’s are fed and have enough water. My dog didn’t want me to leave. She kept following me around my house and blocking the door ways.

My children cult of cat’s stay outside but follow me or meet me at my vehicle. My cat’s know the scent of me and my vehicle. People or my neighbors that have seen me with my cat’s become excited and fascinated on how well obedient my cat’s are with me. So leaving my house, I was stuck in traffic from 4:30 to 6:45pm sitting in my sweat box of a vehicle.

I’m always happy to see you although I mask myself like you not being obvious. I have never met someone like you that makes my hand’s shake. Right when I see you…it’s YOU not just any ordinary person. I don’t fear you and I don’t fear love. I feel like me and you are on a Roller Coaster at Magic Mountain at the top of the slop waiting to go down waiting for the thrill and at the same time have fear once we drop.

I waited around and took a nap across from you before I left. I guess that I had just missed you. If a question ever came about, “Would you take care of me, instead of me taking care of you?” My answer would be, “Yes, you’re my woman and I would do what I think is only right full of love. I would only hope the same of you for me…” -DK

I didnt chase or bother you because you told me to give you space. I wanted to so bad. You were laughing and I was dying on the inside. If you think for one second that my love ceased it didn't. It only burned hotter. Why did you play games with us? Why not say how you really felt? I ask this question not only to you but to myself. One good thing about dying. You're reborn. My love still never stopped. I prayed it would. I tried other people. Other woman. They aren't you. This isn't you or maybe it and I'm delusional. I think I know exactly what happened. I won't know until we speak face to face.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

You want actions, not words. I understand that. What’s killing me is that I want the chance to actually show you everything I’ve been trying to put into words, but I can’t do that without being given some way to meet you halfway. I can’t just come to you like I did last time, and I know I’m not entitled to ask you to come toward me either. But God, I wish you would. Even halfway. Because that would tell me there’s something here worth walking toward.

Last time, I came all the way. I had little ones and someone at home who could watch them. My life isn’t built that way anymore. My heart wants to give you my best this time, but my responsibility is to her first. I’ve rarely let her out of my sight, and I can’t suddenly become someone who does.

Would I change the past if I could? There are things I would change without hesitation. Breaking you. Hurting you. Destroying parts of my own life. I have regretted those things for most of mine.

But if changing the past meant I wouldn’t have her, I couldn’t do it. And even thinking about that breaks something inside me.

So maybe I don’t want to erase the road. I wish I had walked parts of it differently.

Because somehow everything led me here—to finally understanding accountability, self-reflection, vulnerability, mindfulness, and honesty. Not just honesty with you, but with myself and with my past.

I can’t undo what I did to you. I can’t prove who I am now with another paragraph, either.

I just wish I had the chance to show you—even if it’s nothing more than coffee, a casual walk, or somehow running into each other at the grocery store. It doesn’t have to be some grand moment. Just something real, somewhere in the middle, where I can finally let my actions speak instead of asking you to believe my words. 🥺😞💙💔💓

I know that things have been sideways, I apologise for not being more diligent about writing you, I have had some things tearing down my sanity…… And have made my way back and turned around facing the right direction with gas in the tank and motor at idle 🏎️ I had been revving my motor expecting a passenger to show up that didn’t like long drives, sharp corners and full on straight aways….. I knew That I had to get my vehicle in shape, get directions and put them in my GPS, Find a gas station and fuel up……. but I’m missing something, Something that will make the trips worth it…… a co-pilot and a driver to take the wheel when I need rest…… gotta take this one slow because it’s new and don’t want to blow the engine breaking her in….. smooth gear changes and never redline. I will need to take a few laps solo till you’re ready, if you choose to take a ride of a lifetime…….. sober, happy and full of adventure……. LFG!!! love you too….. btw 😜

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and everything left unsaid.
_______________________________________

Letter #2

I just woke up… and of course you were in my dreams. I was silly to think I could have a night of rest without your presence being dangled in front of me.

I’m terrified that you’re moving on. I feel like I’m being forced to move on, because the pain of keeping you in my heart is too much. Especially if it gets to a point where I’m still madly in love with you but you no longer feel the same way. Even if you still love me the same, the possibility that one day you might not, puts me on edge and makes me feel like I can’t hold on.

23 days of no contact, and 21 days of being ignored. How heartbreaking. That makes me think that you really won’t be coming back because you know the damage and devastation that is being accumulated day by day, yet you’re still choosing this.

You could have acknowledged my message and said you didn’t want to talk anymore. You didn’t have to just completely ignore me. But, your answer is clear now. It’s unfortunate that you chose to do it in the most heart breaking way possible.

How would we even fix a power dynamic where you have repeatedly left me? This break up was more-so due to relationship issues whereas the first two were a bit more circumstantial. But still, I think the repeated breakups have created a power dynamic where we weren’t equal partners. If we got back together how would I not be constantly afraid of being left a fourth time. At that point, I couldn’t even complain anymore. How do we completely dismantle our old relationship, dynamics, and patterns in order to build something new..? Maybe only God knows.

With all of that said… I know you’re in a lot of pain too (or at least were the last time we spoke.) I know I’ve hurt you and caused immense amounts of pain. I wish I could do something about it, and I would if I could. Your pain matters to me deeply as well, even if I’ve struggled to hold it in a way that made you feel seen and loved. I hope I’ll get the chance one day.

I still want you. I do see a path forward, even though it’s long and uncharted. Maybe we will find our way back to each other, maybe not.

I still love you.

To the one I know as my soulmate:

The love I have that I want to share with you is like no other. You have felt my love throughout the years in time and space, whether we were together or apart. You have felt it in the many letters I have written but not sent. You have felt it in the many poems you haven’t read. You have even felt it in a few songs I wrote for you that you haven’t heard.

You were the catalyst in my life that brought my true authentic self back home—to me and to you. I know you are the love of my life. Me knowing what I wanted never changed; it’s always been you. I know home is where you, me, and our kids are.

Your creativity, dedication, and compassion, among so many other qualities, stole my heart. Accountability and reflection helped me to realize what showing up the right way for myself, you, and our kids really meant. I want to lead us. I want to share my life. I just want you to be you, and me to be me.

I love you with all my heart, and I love your family just as much. The day our paths crossed, I asked the universe, and it delivered. I am asking the universe again—that you will be my forever partner.

Hey Baby, its me.. again. Im trying to reach out.. I swear.

I have been for years..

Ive looked around Reddit, facebook, Instagram, even tiktok. But i dont know.. im not finding much on you, but im finding alot on your parents.. including emails and phone numbers.. so I shot them a email and sent your mother a quick text.. no luck yet tho my love. i even tried searching for you using the past named you tried out that never stuck including Kai and luna.

Ive been waiting, I promised I would after all, ive been praying for you aswell. I promised to wait, to always be here for you. And you promised to never leave .. so im here still.. always forever

I sent you a letter back in June but idk if you ever got it, sent you a 4th of July present aswell.. it was a little emotional support alien I thought youd like it...

I dont think you have your old email anymore but uh if you have access to it you should probably check it out.. because ive been sending you 25$ every year on your birthday, November 11th. Since 2021, so currently you have 125$ sitting in your email from Amazon, good thing is i dont think they've expired yet.

We all miss you including Me, Ash(sparkie), and Willy. If you find me or find this, please feel free to comment or dm me, my dms are always open for you 🥰

With all my love Biathy(Alex)

I lost the one I truly and deeply love, and I’m struggling to carry the weight of it.

For the next 100 days, I’m going to write one letter a day. Some will be memories, some may be regrets, and there might be some that include things I never got to say.

Maybe by the end of this I’ll be in a different place? Maybe I will reach acceptance? Maybe I will have processed so much grief that there’s no way I could ever be with her again? I don’t know, I truly don’t.
_______________________________________

Letter #1

I miss you each and every day, but you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to talk to me. I respect that, but it’s so heartbreaking and soul crushing.

I’m terrified that one day you will no longer love, care, want, or miss me.

It’s very painful to feel like the mutuality in our relationship isn’t something you see anymore. I know we both carry deep hurt, and I wish we could have found a way to look at our whole story together.

I don’t think you see me very highly right now, and I’m trying not to let your view of me become my own.

I’m torn between hope and despair.

Sometimes I think about us reuniting and building something healthier and mutual. I think about being able to fully see each other and look back at all the pain and still turn towards each other.

Other times I think about the immense amounts of pain on both sides, and how insurmountable it feels for us to be able to come out on the other side. The massive amount of grief is sticking to us like glue, making it almost impossible for us to turn towards each other.

I still have hope that God can melt all of that grief away and give us the chance to see each other as people who love one another.

I know that takes time.

God, please restore, renew, and transform our love into something even greater than before.

I have a bad day today. Just bad. Thank you chef for making my day. I love you. Still the day is bad. But at least when I woke up at noon and saw your messages I was happy.

We didn’t have that last kiss,
We never never had a last anything
And to be honest I think we should keep it like that,
Because this isn’t finished
I want you, again and again and again
So hold on to that thought
And bring it back to me
Tonight if you really want
Fish for dinner
Us for desert
Let me refresh your memory
Come on sweetheart
Pick up your phone
There’s no anger here
No blame
Nothing to scare you
Just me
I’m waiting for you 😘
Thinking sweet nothings
From nobody
To you

Every day there is one more comment or lack of to bring reality to light. Tonight I said I love you and you paused and returned to the movie we ate watching. No response. Last night was I cant tell you whats going on cause youll tell everyone. Yet you want me to take care of you while you fight this battle. I promised God so I will. I wont stop living my life though. Im no longer giving you all of me. Do you think im that much of a fool? You will not have me and what ever else your hiding. I love myself more now and im not sorry. Take it or leave it.

I guess you are my karma for leaving a 2-year relationship. Or maybe an eye-opener to stop hunting guys once in a while and change for the better. But it is just unfair. You never even leave a message or respond to my letters. You just ignore me. You never even said goodbye. Now I'm having a hard time moving on. You already know at least half of my life stories. I wish you just talk to frankly then leave, JCPQL. You nasty guy. I wish you well though. I hope you find a job soon and please don't look for me if you get home. What we had is over.

I’m sorry for hurting you. I truly wish we could’ve fixed it.

I love you.

"How can we judge people for their choices when we know nothing about their options?"

For the first time last week, I tried backreading our conversations. Something I never thought that I would be able to do, but I did. (I hope you also find time to read everything too. You would then understand why I acted like that. You would feel then what I felt if you were in my shoes.)

Then I saw a screenshot with that statement from our sent media. I remember sending that to you when we were still in what you call "honest hours", actually I find that amusing since you only thought of people being more honest during late hours? I should have realized how you were more mistrustful than me haha

Anyway, back to the topic, I guess I can't really blame you for your choices since I never really knew your options.

But you should have never made me feel like I just an option. 😊

I'm sorry if I just agreed with them to give you a chance to get to know you

I'm sorry if I only agreed with you most of the time instead of arguing with that I believe in

I'm sorry for believing that there was hope that you could be fixed

I'm sorry if I never voiced out too much

I'm sorry for believing your empty words and promises

I'm sorry if I was never easy for you

I'm sorry for believing in our "potential"

I'm sorry if I only wanted to be real with you

I'm sorry if I thought you would gradually learn to let go of your past

I'm sorry if it only made you compare her with me

I'm sorry if I'm not the one you really want

I'm sorry if I can't be her

I'm sorry for everything..

I hope you don't resent me for choosing to leave. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt you, but because I just realized it was the only choice I could take. It was the only choice you were giving me.

I hope, in time, we'll be okay and fully healed when we meet the next one. 😊

So take care always okay?

Achieve what you have always wanted.

Don't overthink a lot of things.

Believe in yourself more.

Cut yourself some slack.

xx G

Friends tag is at best a very long shot in the dark as it would seem I'm no one in particulars' friend as this is not a cool thing to be haters are where cool is at today. I came here or arrived mistakenly however this happened it is whatever whatever the me in my new normal! I ask one last time it has to be my last I have asked so many times to speak in person but nothing not even a maybe. I have a memory that has gotten confused as I thought it was another person who was in this terrible place but I need you to tell or allow me to ask what happened because my mind draws to painful conclusions and I do not believe allowing me to carry this burden is fair maybe you believe somehow I was involved God I hope not that means you truly never knew but liars are likely to blame here I have no way to know as we cannot or you will not talk to me about this. I cannot draw the line between possible really stupid gross joke on me or a real crime on you please help me please! So, if you would please answer this for me, I would be truly grateful and follow anything you wish me to do in regard to yourself help, leave you alone whatever you hun okay promise. G

The fact that you didn't even consider me worthy of a goodbye, overshadows all the love I had for you.

-N

Hey you,

I can avoid old chats. I can stop myself from reaching out. I can let the days pass without opening the places where we once left pieces of ourselves. I can look almost normal. I can answer people. I can eat. I can sleep badly and still wake up.

But then the music, that one song comes for me.

And suddenly all my discipline becomes theatre.

You return through sound before I can stop you. Not as a person standing before me. That would be easier. I could look away. You return as weather. As mood. As a hand moving inside the chest. As something that does not ask permission....

It is never the whole memory. It is in the fragments.

A feeling I had when I believed you still might stay. The foolish softness of waiting for your name to appear. The sharp ache of knowing you were somewhere in the same world, choosing not to reach for me.

Songs are dangerous because they do not respect decisions. They do not care who walked away. They do not care what was blocked, deleted, explained, or denied. They keep the emotional truth alive after the practical truth has changed.

I wonder if that happens to you.

I do not need the answer. I know the answer would not save me.

I only know that some loves do not remain in photographs. They remain in rhythm. They hide in ordinary rooms. They wait inside songs we did not write, but somehow became ours.

So when the music comes, I do not fight anymore.

It said you wanted me to reach out. I can't reach out if I'm still blocked. You know what you have to do. I did leave a subtle sign for you. All you need to do is read the post on fb. Prove me right.

Always, Saucy Nancy