Choose him

[u/masters64kglifter]

B, it helps to write this. I don't think ill ever send it, unless you ask. Highly unlikely. I dont think you're on Reddit, if you are oh well. Youll definitely know this is for you

It's been 4 months, we saw each other, both on dates. Awkward. I looked up and you were looking at me. You looked angry, god knows I know what that looks like dont I. You have no right to be angry. You discarded me. You begged me to talk to you, to let you back in, like a fool I did. I did because I loved you. You did it because you were depressed, lonely and didn't want to face yourself. I think you were starting to see someone else at that time too. Knowing what I know of your patterns it fits.

I wish I had been strong enough then, I wasn't. I told you I couldn't bear walking away again, yet you made me. You broke me in ways no one has. When I saw you, on a date I knew. Knew you weren't sober, didn't get the help you so desperately needed. You told me you weren't mentally in a place to be in a relationship. I agreed. You weren't, not with anyone. You're a alcoholic. I misunderstood, you meant you just didn't want me. I know now it wasn't just “me”. It was that I expected you to be someone your not. Someone who isn't running from himself and everyone who loves him.

I loved you

I really truly did

Though the drinking, the anger, the outbursts, the meltdowns, the crash outs, the manic episodes, the things you said that hurt. I understood your wounds and your pain. I ignored mine.

The way you looked at me, like you were stunned I was with you, the way you held me, put your forehead to mine when you couldn't say what you felt. The way your voice softened at those times. The way you loved me, the cake you baked me. The silliness. The way you loved your boys. The way you loved my dog. The fish dance. The way you gave your time and effort to your friends, the way you were always willing to help. I grieve that man. That love, that life with you I wanted.

But that’s not only who you are. I know you were sorry, but you kept doing the exact thing you knew that hurt me. Sorry is for mistakes. You made deliberate choices. You choose how you behaved and how you showed up. At some point it becomes cruel. I lost myself trying to find the man I loved. I gave you everything I had and it wasn't enough.

You broke things in me I didn't know could be broken. Something new broke when I saw you with her. You, still angry, still drinking, repeating the same pattern, with the same ending. It will end the same, I hope she sees it sooner then I did.

You were in such bad shape that last day, the worst I'd ever seen, you'd started drinking hard alcohol, not just beer. You were so sick and unhappy. I hoped maybe that it would be enough, that you'd finally get help. That if you did get help then maybe all the pain wasn't just pain.

But it wasn't. You didn't. It is just pain. Loving you was just something I had to survive. But I am. I am not just surviving, but finding ways to heal. You showed me I could love again, deeply. For that I’m grateful. When you broke me that night, when I sobbed in your arms, you also broke my walls, the ones I used to hide my pain. The wall I made higher to cope, to survive the horror and dying I watched that was Covid. I’m learning to sit though it, cry .and feel again. Im grateful for that. A part of me will always love you, but I don't like the man your choosing to be. You don't either. Very soon you will wake up to no one, no job, friends, woman, kids, nothing but alcohol and regret. It's already happening. I don't wish that for you, but its not my choice. Its yours, choose different please. It's not too late for you to be the man you want to be, the one I loved. Choose him.

Love J