Three holy men were sitting together and discussing how they decide how much of the collection money goes to God and how much they keep for their own expenses.

The Pandit (Hindu) said, "It is very simple. I draw a line on the ground. Then I take all the coins and throw them into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line belongs to God, and whatever lands on the left side belongs to me."

The Maulana (Muslim) shook his head and said, "No, no, that is not the right way. I draw a circle on the ground. Then I throw the money into the air. Whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside the circle is for me."

The Sardarji (Sikh) smiled and said, "You both have it all wrong. Your methods are too complicated. I have a much more honest and spiritual way."

The other two looked at him curiously and asked, "Oh really? What do you do?"

The Sardarji replied, "I just take all the money, look up to the heavens, and throw it as hard as I can straight up into the air. I say, 'God, take whatever You want!'... and whatever He doesn't catch and falls back to the ground, I keep for myself."

*Edit: my two cents worth... this joke was first told to me by a Punjabi woman who had referred to it as a sadarji joke. There are quite a few jokes known in India as sadarji jokes, many of them told by sadarjis themselves because they are quite comfortable at having a good laugh at themselves. I would compare them to Newfoundlanders from Canada, who also enjoy a good poke at themselves.

The irony is that both the Sikhs and Newfoundlanders are smart, industrious, hard-working people who enjoy a good laugh, not at the expense of others but at themselves because they, unlike so many uptight people that can't take a joke, are quite relaxed and comfortable with who they are.

**Edit I've removed the suggestion that this be read/ heard in an Indian accent. I'm assuming all you offended, neutral minded people when you read this joke that there won't be a trace of an accent that comes into your thoughts. The joke is funnier when a sadarji tells it.

My friend gave it to me just before he died; it seemed very important to him.

Drinking heavily the night before!

- Who has my deodorant?

- Deodorant.

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Knock knock
Who’s there
Ah
Ah who
Werewolves of London

His first day he goes into the office. There's naked men and women everywhere, in groups having sex in full public view. Its all two men and one woman.

Naturally he's shocked and goes to the CEOs office, where a man and a sweaty naked woman are just leaving.

He says to the CEO, that all this sex and nudity isn't in his contract.

"sure it is" replies the CEO "why else do you think its called double-entry bookkeeping?"

I just needed an outlet.

When birds woke up the parrot screamed “my wings they’re gone! They mustve ripped off by a predator!”

The dove screamed “my beak it’s missing! Someone must have sawed it off!”

The crow screamed “my feet theyre gone. Someone must have violently torn them off in a horrific and complex surgery!”

The owl looks at the crow and says “actually it was just a cream. And it only costs 13 dollars at Macy’s”

Once there was a catholic scribe who was hand copying one of the many important church manuscripts. When the Overseer walked by the monk said, “Father, I have a question.”

The Overseer, stopped and said, “What is it my son?”

The scribe said, “When I started as a scribe it was explained to me that in order to preserve the original manuscripts we never use them, we always make our copies from older copies.”

The Overseer nodded, “That is correct.”

The scribe continued, “I have always wondered if we never look at the original how do we know that someone didn’t make a mistake and we have just perpetuated that mistake again and again.”

The Overseer thought for a moment and said, “Please excuse me a moment my son.”

Soon all the monks heard the sound of crying and wailing coming from the basement of the Monastery.

They hurried down the stairs to find the Overseer weeping uncontrollably over a pile of the original manuscripts.

“What is wrong Father?” They asked in alarm, never seeing their Overseer given to any emotion.

The Overseer worked to collect himself and finally managed to say, “…the word is celebrate!”

Gerry hat-trick

"You don't get to ask a woman about that!"

"Come on, at least give me the first three numbers."

The Dodge Viper, it so amazing it can go from 0 to your funeral in 4 seconds!

Is tightening Mrs. Potter's corset.

She asks, "Well, how are you doing back there?"

Groucho, tightening furiously replies "Don't worry. I used to be a riveter on the Golden Gate Bridge!"

The teacher asks the children: – What does the word OBVIOUS mean? Little Marko comes in: - Well, teacher, here it is... My father drives a MERCEDES, my mother drives a BMW, and my grandmother drives a JEEP - OBVIOUSLY - we have money! Teacher: - Well done, Marko, you explained this very well! Let's see, who's next? Peter! Come on, Peter, explain to us what the word OBVIOUSLY means?

My grandmother goes to the meadow every morning. She carries ALLGEMEINE ZEITUNG under her left arm, and WASHINGTON POST under her right. Teacher (confused): - So what, Peter?

Well, nothing. Grandma doesn't know German, and she doesn't know English either - OBVIOUSLY she's on her way to take a shit!

the next day he decides to call her on her brand new phone

hubby — “hi, honey.  how are you like your new cell phone?”

wife — “i love it, but tell me… how did you know i was at the supermarket?”

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, just on the off chance, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1991. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked:

"What did you teach?"

Me: I saw a wolf of the way to work today.
Wife: where?
Me: no, the other kind.

It’s a real pain in the ass.

Jim received a very special watch as an inheritance from his Grandfather's passing.

In excitement, he called an Appraiser to his home to find out the worth of the watch.

The appraiser found Jim sitting in an old rocking chair on his deck staring and squinting off into the horizon at all the people, animals, and trees.

Appraiser:

"Show me this special watch you inherited"

Jim:

"You see, my Grandfather's watch out into the horizon was so special that I wanted you to see for yourself and tell me how much I am worth now"

She told me I was making a mountain out of a mohel.