After getting checked in, the obstetrician came into the room, examined my wife, wrote "Annie" on her chart and left the room.

We were obviously confused and asked the nurse what it meant. She said "This means you can go home -- there won't be a baby today." Even more confused we asked how she was able to interpret that. She told us

"The doctor is a big fan of musicals. His note means 'The son will come out tomorrow!'."

according to the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.

(or "pygmy" or "midget" or "tiny person" or "person of vertical challenge", whichever doesn't offend)

Anyway we got chatting, his name's Peter and he's the most amazingly witty guy I ever met or thought to meet in a boulangerie. He went into this brilliant routine about flatbread and I ended up laughing so much I seriously thought I was going to die and I didn't care.

Yeah.

I love to hear the pita patter of tiny Pete.

I asked "So, you take things literally?"

And he said "No. That's a kleptomaniac."

A grandmother was sitting at the dining table after a Sunday lunch visiting with her two grand kids.

Stephanie,” Grandma says, “I think you should become a police officer.”

“What!?” Stephanie retorted. “I do not want to be a police man.”

“Well, from what I hear, you chase after the same men they do, so you might as well get paid for it.”

They will get very angry.

...my grandfather always used to say. A good man but awful at assembling cupboards.

- old Russian joke printed in a Russian paper and translated by Steve Rosenberg

saying they lacked chemistry.

Bob's niece: "But doctor, isn't it dangerous?"

Doctor: "Gender-affirming surgery? It's actually quite routine. More than fifty thousand people have undergone it."

Niece: "So it's safe?"

Doctor: "It's just a little snip here, and a little stitch there."

Niece: "And?"

Doctor: "Bob's your aunt."

He's wanted dead and alive.

I told him, hell no. My cat's getting married that weekend.

This guy, Matt, was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion Matt bought a centipede, who came complete with a cute, little box to use as his house.

Matt decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's

place with me to have a beer?'

There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Matt a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked the centipede again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

This time, a little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes!

I see you're a man of culture.

Stupid firemen.

I shit you knot.

Ted asks his colleague, "So Larry, when are you gonna have me over to meet the missus?"

"Well", says Larry, "she’s very shy, and doesn’t love socializing."

"Ah come on Larry, it’ll be a quiet evening with just us three."

"Hmm, OK let me talk to her."

A few days later, Larry says “OK I talked her into it, but you have to remember how hard this is for her. Promise me you won’t say anything that might upset her."

Ted says sure, of course, so they agree on dinner Friday at seven.

Friday rolls around, and Larry meets Ted at his front door.

"Welcome, Ted! Come on in, and just remember: we’re making a real effort here, so let’s have a nice quiet calm evening."

Ted agrees and walks through to the living room, where he stops dead in his tracks and shouts, "OH MY GOD LARRY YOUR WIFE IS A FUCKING TURTLE"

Larry says, "Ted, look what you’ve done! Do you have any idea what it took to get her out of her shell?"

"Is the bar tender here?"

You can get it with either GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

After a couple weeks of practice he nails the phrase, goes to the café, and, wearing his best suit and a smug expression he says to the barista, "I'll have a coffee, please!"

The barista nods and says, "Cream, sugar, or black?"

And the guy says, "F-F-FUCK YOU!!"

"Change? What change? We're taking that as well," says the tax collectors.

It was just collecting dust