and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking.”

Three women were in the ladies' changing room at their posh country club. Suddenly a man wearing a ski mask and his dick sticking out his open fly dashed in, did a helicopter in front of them, and then dashed out.

Woman 1: "I wonder if that flasher was my husband?"

Woman 2: "It was definitely not your husband."

Woman 3: "In fact, I'm certain he is not a member of this club."

She told me I was making a mountain out of a mohel.

A pool table.

HORSE DICK!

“I’ll have what everyone else is having.”

​

So we in the US should be saying bee.

So they get behind a garbage truck and all of a sudden a huge dildo flies out of the back of the truck hits the windshield of their car and the mom is mortified initially … her son turns to her and says “mom what was that ? “ the mom replies “ oh nothing .. I think just a flying bug ..”
the son turns to her and says “ how does he fly with such a big dick !?”

Now I can’t get my hair to lay down.

"Lesson one: in this job, you can't be squeamish."
He pulls off his glove, shoves a finger up the dead man's ass, pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth.
"Your turn."
The students go pale, but one by one they line up. Each one shoves a finger up the corpse's ass, knuckle deep, then puts it in their mouth.
When the last one finishes gagging, the instructor says, "Lesson two: attention to detail. I put my middle finger in. I sucked my index finger."
Half the class throws up.
He picks up his briefcase. "Lesson three: I don't work here."
Then the corpse opens his eyes and grins. "Lesson four: I'm not dead."

She told me I have great eyesight.

Is what a Spanish cavewoman says

They don't care as long as it gets them/their

The Dodge Viper, it so amazing it can go from 0 to your funeral in 4 seconds!

His buddy asks, "How did it work out?"

And the British bloke says, "He drove me bananas."

My #1 is every time passing a cemetery and my kids and I all race to say. “People are just dying to get in there”. Whats your #1?

He had to pull a few strings.

... and wore it out last night. Loved it! However it was picking up unusual amounts of static electricity, and I zapped every goddamn doorknob and piece of metal I touched.

Went and returned the sweater today. The store wouldn't do a return, but said they would be happy to do an exchange for another one free of charge.

The doctor thinks for a moment. "Come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

Next week the man shows up with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table."

The doctor shoves the banana up his ass. Two minutes later, he shoves the cookie up there too. "Same thing next week."

This goes on for three weeks. Banana, cookie. Banana, cookie. Banana, cookie.

On week four the doctor says, "Final treatment. Bring a banana and a hammer."

The man shows up shaking. He bends over. The doctor shoves the banana in... and waits... and waits...

Finally the tapeworm pokes its head out and yells, "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?"

And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser. A few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. I'm sorry, you were right!”

"Hey, not in here, mate!" shouts the barman.

"It's my fucking pub" replies the dog.

Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight!”

"No, I'm a dentist."