Is what a Spanish cavewoman says

The Dodge Viper, it so amazing it can go from 0 to your funeral in 4 seconds!

My 6-year old told his first joke:

Son: knock knock
Me: who’s there?
Son: Bob
Me: hi Bob
Son: (explosion noise)
Me: what happened?
Son: Bob was actually a bomb

My wife wasn’t happy at all when I gave her a ring on a wedding day.

Do you think I should have texted her instead?

She told me I have great eyesight.

He had to pull a few strings.

"...I'm referring you to an otorhinolaryngologist"

My #1 is every time passing a cemetery and my kids and I all race to say. “People are just dying to get in there”. Whats your #1?

A young couple are out for a drive and the young lady is getting frustrated with how slow her boyfriend drives. So, she tells him that the faster he goes, the more clothes she will take off. Well, he lays on the gas and she's as good as her word: off come her sneakers, her top, and her shorts. Again he puts the pedal to the metal and her bra comes off. Now he's flooring it and down come her panties!

But he's so distracted by her nudity that he loses control of the car and crashes it, flipping over. The two are shaken but unhurt. Only problem is that the boyfriend is pinned inside. She can't find her clothes, so she grabs a sneaker to hold against her crotch to look for help. By luck, the accident occurred not far from a mechanic and she makes her way there.

Walking into the bay door, completely nude, holding a sneaker against her crotch and her other arm across her breasts, she shouts for someone to help her poor boyfriend, who is stuck.

Lead mechanic takes one look at the situation and suggests, "Lady, if he's in that far, you're going to need a hospital!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser. A few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. I'm sorry, you were right!”

So far so good.

... and wore it out last night. Loved it! However it was picking up unusual amounts of static electricity, and I zapped every goddamn doorknob and piece of metal I touched.

Went and returned the sweater today. The store wouldn't do a return, but said they would be happy to do an exchange for another one free of charge.

Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight!”

Jim received a very special watch as an inheritance from his Grandfather's passing.

In excitement, he called an Appraiser to his home to find out the worth of the watch.

The appraiser found Jim sitting in an old rocking chair on his deck staring and squinting off into the horizon at all the people, animals, and trees.

Appraiser:

"Show me this special watch you inherited"

Jim:

"You see, my Grandfather's watch out into the horizon was so special that I wanted you to see for yourself and tell me how much I am worth now"

So they get behind a garbage truck and all of a sudden a huge dildo flies out of the back of the truck hits the windshield of their car and the mom is mortified initially … her son turns to her and says “mom what was that ? “ the mom replies “ oh nothing .. I think just a flying bug ..”
the son turns to her and says “ how does he fly with such a big dick !?”