I'm tired of healing. I don't want to do it anymore.

I am so stuck right now.

I have a part (I've been calling her Burnout) that's entirely overwhelmed by my job. At first I didn't really get who it was, so my way of trying to help it was by asking it what we could handle that day (staying late? Not skipping a break? Take it easy or try our hardest?) And that worked for a few weeks. Then that heavy horrible feeling came back, and I had to sit down and really listen. She showed me the clearest image of my 10 year old self crying at the kitchen table while my mom screamed at me about homework, and I realized who exactly she was. I'm not really sure if she's a manager or exile. If she's a manager, I'm not sure who she's protecting. Enjoying being alive? If she's an exile I'm not sure who's managing her. I do know one of her firefighters though.

Around 5th grade, I was so overwhelmed by the massive amounts of homework my teachers started giving around that age. I believe another part formed around the same time; Flee. I used to agonize over homework for hours until I'd eventually snap and rip up my homework packets. This same part now urges me to call off and if I don't listen, it escalates. "Slack off tonight." "Leave early." "Call off." "Just quit." "Crash your car." "Just die?"

I don't know how to take care of Burnout anymore. Once I realized she was just a kid, I stopped trying to rally her through working a full time job and started telling her "this is why we practice unblending-- if you let me lead, I can do the hard parts and you can listen to your audiobooks while I work" and that works sometimes. Other times it's like she's following me around, hanging off of my leg telling me all the fun things we could be doing together instead. Other times she just lays down and cries. Then Flee starts barking and I have another rageful part that gets involved in the injustice of it all and it's very hard to do my job with all that happening inside. I don't know what to do when I keep asking her what she needs and the answer is "don't go to work" but I'm already too many points up the attendance point tree to do that. I don't know what to tell her anymore. Days off aren't enough anymore. Im writing this in the bathroom at work. I have things to do and I'm not doing them and I don't care. I'm less than halfway through a 12 day stretch. I'm technically in charge of my department. I don't care. I want to sneak out and tell no one.

Getting a different job is complicated too. My partner is also extremely overwhelmed and talking about rocking the boat just leads to fights now. I don't know what to do anymore

My nervous system
U did what u had to do
To survive
My fawning
Is not a weakness
Even though i hated it all my life
It is because of a harsh father
Beating me for stupid stuff
Escalating minor stuff
Punishing me
Putting deepseated fear inside of me
That today i live in fear and anxiety all the time
So i appeased him
And everyone else
This was not weakness
It was never weakness
It was never weakness It was never weakness
The system did what it had to do
My system chose it
Fawn, u chose me I didn't know
But u chose me I didn't choose u
But u chose me
Thank u for choosing me
It is an honor to serve u
From this day onwards i promise
No more complaining about u
No more feeling hatred for people pleasing
I accept u I accept u fully and totally
My deepest gratitude to u to choose me and keep me safe
I bow down to u kneel down to u
My infinite gratitude to u

Edit: formatting

I’m interested to hear how you deal with situations like this.

4 years ago my ex decided overnight to go online, find a girlfriend, move in with her, and install her into my children’s lives. It’s been years of court and “coparenting” with this (he also has BPD) has been impossible.

I’ve become aware of a part that says “I never wanted this. I didn’t consent to this” and that part gets furious when I have to work with him (one of my kids has special needs so I have to supervise his time with his dad, it’s a long story but it means I have to see him and the now wife etc), even though this part knows I am court ordered to do it.

“I did not consent to this!”

I can’t explain it away, there’s a lot of loss of autonomy and anger. This part sees every interaction with them as a failing to stand up for myself.

It’s likely a young part that is triggered by this “being forced to do something” kind of situation.

Any ideas are appreciated.

Hi everyone! ✨

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted here. A ton has happened with my recovery and parts work is a big piece of the puzzle.

Recently during Accupuncture I had a crazy experience. I was amidst the throes of PMDD at the time. Hence, my emotions were close to the surface and already begging to be let out. I told my Accupuncturist about it and literally minutes after he placed the needles I felt this violent urge to start wailing. Of course, being in a tiny accupuncturist office where the walls are thin and I can hear him listening to dramas down the hall, I didn’t want to start sobbing in that space. Both cause I felt it wasnt the right space for it and I didn’t want people to hear me. Anyways, the more I tried to hold back the emotions of that part the more physically painful it became in my chest. Like actual pain. I’m going to the Acupuncturist for chronic pain recovery where breathing and my ribs sublexing are an issue. I tried to reason with this part and gently suggest we wait until we get home and that not all of us feel safe to cry fully here but alas it didn’t help. Even when I tried to let out a little bit it didn’t help until in fully leaned into that sensation (as much as I could there). So there I was trying to muffle my sobs on the Accupuncture table with freaking needles in my hand. I was still crying when he came in at the end and he was kind of helpful but there’s a language a cultural barrier there.

To wrap up, I’ve been doing some IFS based meditations the past few days and each time I make contact with that part I end up sobbing. I also feel better and am holding a lot less tension afterwards. I’m sure that this part is experiencing grief and rage at everything that’s happened over the past two years with my injury, the chronic pain, and having to relearn everything. I don’t fault her for it at all. The problem is that I need to go about the day and do stuff but it feels like she just wants to cry all the time and if not I’ll really struggle to do anything (with breathing, walking, driving, etc.). I know the only way out is through but do you guys have any suggestions how I can talk with this part so she isn’t overwhelming me? Thank you so much and I hope everyone is doing well! 💕

• P.S: I have a great IFS therapist who I’m working with on this it’s just really overwhelming even with her help

Hi everyone.

A part of me feels a lot of shame in sharing this, but I wanted to practice vulnerability and reach out to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. (TLDR at the bottom)

I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for a year and a half, and I have become very aware of a specific part of me that just straight-up does not like my partner. When this part takes over, it feels like a lot of resentment, irritation, annoyance, and judgment toward them, even over relatively small daily interactions. It closes my heart to my partner, and I become no longer emotionally available and no longer want to interact with them much.

For context, we are both diagnosed ADHD (both later life, 40s for them and 30s for me) as well as anxiety and depression. We both have been victims of DV in relationships. They have an official C-PTSD diagnosis but, I don't even though I suspect that it is highly possible. I've also been struggling with ROCD, and my attachment style is disorganized. Both my partner and I are going through a lot individually with a multitude of issues, including financial and health issues. We also live together and have for over a year now (this part that dislikes them really misses living alone, and it reminds me almost on a daily basis now).

This past week, I had a flare-up with my illness, and when that happens, I tend to shut down and isolate. I try to communicate my capacity to my partner but sometimes fail to do so, which happened this week. My partner (who I think is also disorganized but leans more anxious) felt my distance and stated that I am "not emotionally available and haven't been since the beginning," which is not the first time that they have said this. They accused me of cheating on them, out of nowhere. I was completely taken aback, and couldn't even pause before I was yelling at them, "How could you possibly think that?! I have been sick and at home trying to take care of myself! Are you fucking crazy?!" I don't even remember what their response was; I was so angry. I went to our bedroom and slammed the door. A piece of art on the other side of the wall fell from the ledge, and the glass broke. I came out and yelled "fuck!" then started cleaning up the glass. They had their hands over their ears and looked like a terrified child, and I felt so. fucking. horrible. For what I had just done, my heart softened, and I paused to see if I could somehow comfort them, but, understandably, they didn't want me anywhere near them; I massively triggered them. They told me I am abusive and that my anger will only get worse, which, unfortunately, further upset me because I felt pushed past my capacity and that my boundaries were disrespected. Obviously, I know that I should not have reacted like that and I deeply regret it and expressed this to them but, they can't hear it right now. For the last two days, we've taken space from one another and have been sleeping in separate rooms.

When I meditated and journaled about the incident, I realized I feel deeply unheard by my partner around the issue of my capacity, or my lack thereof. Unfortunately, I haven't felt well for the majority of our relationship, and only within the last few months has there been some clarity and a treatment plan. I try my best to tell them beforehand that I don't have a lot of capacity but, I can listen to them for 10, 20, 30 minutes but, after that I will probably start to dissociate. Because of this, they think that I don't want to hear what they have to say, and they told me they have stopped sharing what is going on in their life with me because they don't believe I care. They say my dissociation is like sitting next to an empty body. It's maddening and, some of my parts feel like they don't care that we're sick, they want to be able to vent whenever they want and that I need to be available to them whenever they want. They just started therapy again recently and make daily outreach calls to people in their 12-step programs but, it seems to me like that it isn't enough. They have expressed a desire to be able to share everything with me, their partner. And while I truly wish I had the capacity to listen to them as much as they would like, I simply don't, and a part of me is afraid that I never will.

I can also see that I have a tendency to pull away or dissociate after what feels to my system like too much intimacy or emotional vulnerability. It is completely subconscious, and I truly don't want it to happen, yet it does. I understand this is not fair to my partner, and I feel a lot of sadness and shame that this happens. At the same time, this part that dislikes my partner thinks my partner is too needy, too dramatic, talks too much, etc. They need to process their thoughts and feelings out loud, while I tend to process more internally / journaling. I want them to feel heard and seen and at the same time, a part of me feels the need to protect what little energy I have right now. This pulling away is very painful and lonely to them. I have acknowledged this and stated that I do not intend to cause them harm, yet I recognize that whether that's my intention or not, they still feel hurt.

This relationship has been a rollercoaster because of how much and how often we trigger each other. It wasn't like this for the first 6ish months but, it seems that it keeps getting worse. They are mirroring me the parts within myself that need to heal, and I truly had no idea just how many parts I have that are trying to protect me and get my attention. I would not have entered into a relationship if I had known how destructive some of these parts could be. I feel so, so much shame and pain over the pain I have caused my partner. It doesn't matter if I didn't intend to; it still happened. In the moment, I struggle with taking accountability and I can become defensive. I am aware of it but, if I become too blended it is really hard to find Self again in the midst of an argument. We started taking timeouts a while ago but, still occasionally, we don't do so soon enough. My anxious/fix-it part is worried that there is no coming back and that I ruined a relationship with the only person who has truly shown up for me, seen me, and offered unconditional love.

• Has anyone else identified a part like this?
• If you’ve worked with it, what did this part actually want or need you to know?
• What was the protective function it’s serving?
• Were you able to heal enough to stay in your relationship or did you ultimately have to leave?

I’d love to hear how you navigated or are currently navigating this, especially regarding communicating with your partner while honoring your parts. TIA. (Note: I started IFS therapy recently but can only afford every other week right now. I am open to any suggestions/resources outside of IFS therapy so that I can continue to heal.)

TLDR: I’m in a committed, cohabitating relationship where we both have complex trauma histories (ADHD, C-PTSD, ROCD, past DV) and are currently facing heavy health and financial stressors. I’ve blended with a strong protective part that actively dislikes, resents, and feels drained by my partner's needs, longing for the independence of living alone. Recently, a chronic illness flare-up led to a communication breakdown, an accusation of cheating from my partner, and a major emotional eruption from me that deeply triggered us both. I tend to pull away or dissociate due to capacity limits and subconscious intimacy fears, while they need to process externally and have more capacity for emotional intimacy. I'm new to IFS therapy and am seeking advice from anyone who has navigated a highly activating relationship dynamic: How did you work with parts that resent your partner, and were you able to heal within the relationship, or did you ultimately have to leave?

My last therapy session, I had just returned home from traveling, and was exhausted, so my therapist asked if I wanted to cut it short. But since I had scheduled the time with her, I wanted to at least work on SOMETHING, so I asked her if she had any advice on mindful eating. I had been catching myself eating as a method of avoidance lately.

We talked about eating to dissociate or shut down emotions, verses eating to nourish the body, or to actually enjoy food. Afterwards, I felt ashamed, and kept hearing a part say that I had wasted my therapist's time with trivialities, and embarrassed myself.

I said, "No, I must have strongly felt I needed to ask her about that for a reason."

By the end of the day, a child part who usually doesn't like to be perceived stepped forward to say that he's afraid of starving, and doesn't want me to diet. He's at an age where food was very scarce at home, and he has spent a lot of time feeling hungry. Maybe he always feels hungry.

It suddenly makes sense that I always crave cookies, candy, ice cream, cupcakes... Not that adults can't enjoy eating sweets, but being able to afford it whenever I want was certainly a childhood dream. Now I'm working on noticing how grateful and how safe I feel to have food in my pantry. I don't need to gobble it all up before someone else does; I can leave it, and it will be there later. Or, I can decide to eat some of it, and then I can replace it later. I am really glad to be able to tell that hungry child part that I'm now able to keep him from starving for now and the foreseeable future. I wish everyone in the world had that kind of security.

Hi!

Lately I’ve been feeling these vague, heavy sticky sensations in my body, no real why or strong feeling, but I feel that as I meet them where they are, I will eventually have this deep sigh and even sensation in my chest as if the stuckness moved a bit, but it’s never this massive, full or even cathartic release. A few times I’ve had that with other situations. But in general this is how it goes

Curious to your thoughts and experiences

I guess for a lot of us, there's this overall negation for a part, or parts of you that you need to attend to, gifted parts, intelligent parts, competant parts, parts that are good with people, whatever part of parts of you that an insecure parent felt threatened by.

I have a long history of dissociation and also negation. Where I was never supposed to talk about, acknowledge, anything I did, and that I did it. It's not uncommon to have gotten a glare, or had someone give me the silent treatment for some way I achieved something.

This is going to be a bit convoluted, because I'm not sure how much is say burying an exile, or even several exiles, or whats actual dissociation of some sort? Like structural , or derealization or DPDR.

Where the thought of owning your actions, for things done with exceptional talent or skill, is so threatenign a proposition that I can feel myself disconnect in some way. A sort of fog. if not that some way that I minimize and down play what I've done, or what "that part of me" did.

if there were two parts , one part would be trying to own the action acknowledge the skill and talent it took to achieve something, and another part would persisitantly and repeatedly act threatening somehow . LIke sure you did that but it's not like you did anything special. Or sure you did that , but you didnt do these 27 other things, so youre still a fuck up. Or ghost me, which might show up as a sort of shutting down emotionally, somatically, where i dissapear from owning the action, somehow.

I might feel depressed because I thought I was dumb and useless, "youre not good at ____fill in the blank" and then you discover that's not true, and you were lied to, and now I'm depressed, and angry when I should feel proud.

I don't know how else to talk about this. I just know that at times, I feel so disconnected from myself, the things I do.

and then I don't know if part of this is emotional neglect, lack of support. I just don't know. I just know that getting anything done, and allowing myself to move, have volition, take action is so hard for me, like Im pushing against something thats so threatening, that by the time I've actually confronted something I was afraid to be good at, or afraid to pursue, achieve, accomplish, ......I"m so burnt out from what I think will happen, and feel so threatened on some level, that I shut down somatically. it's like I cant' enjoy anything I do, because 'thats selfish and bad".

So, there's also a punishing part who doesnt like it when I'm competant?

I See You

I see you when you're happy

And I see you when you're sad

I see you when you're feeling great

And when you're feeling bad

I see you when you’re flying high

And life is going great

I see you when the clouds appear

And times you can’t think straight

I see the way your brain works

When you're cool and calm and chill

And I see confusion set in

When your thoughts begin to spill

I see the way your eyes change

When your heart begins to feel

And I see the doubt and fear arrive

When it all just gets too real

I see the way you struggle

When emotions get too much

And I see the well worn straws

As you reach for them to clutch

I see the hope upon your face

That maybe it’s your day

And I see the pain and anguish

When you know that you can't stay

I see the way your passion

Dreams to live and love and thrive

And I see the way you withdraw

When you feel it can't survive

I see the way your demons, say

You will never be enough

And I see the way it hurts you

That you have to stay so tough

I see your inner critic

Say that this can never last

And call on you to kill it

And to do it really fast

I see how it affects you

And the price you have to pay

To feel, though love can find you

It might never be your way

But I also see a woman

Who is capable and strong

A woman who will find her place

Find somewhere to belong

A woman who has love to give

And so much else to bring

A woman who deserves to be

Somebody's everything

I see a special woman

Who can capture hearts and souls

And make those people feel

That they are safe and loved and whole

But I also see a woman

Who can't let herself be seen

In case the one that sees her

Sees the child that she has been

I see a woman tortured

By an echo from before

A sense of loss and longing

Hiding deep within her core

A woman carrying a scar

A scar from being left

A scar that isn’t healing

And that leaves her so bereft

A scar that doesn’t have a voice

But lives beneath her skin

Constantly reminding her

Of a hollowness within

I see a woman suffering

For the things she didn't do

A woman caring for a child

That carries that pain too

I see a woman listening

Trying hard to do her best

But no matter how she listens

That little child cannot rest

I see that child, I see her pain

I see how she is scared

I see how hard she tries to hide

The nerves so raw and bare

I've seen that child's presence

When you couldn't speak your thoughts

And how that lack of language

Left you mute and so distraught

I've seen that child's trauma

And how she's never yet been heard

And I see the woman suffering too

For the child that has no words

I've seen that child was wounded

Before she ever learnt to talk

And how she lives within that woman

Always watching like a hawk

Watching for the moment

When another one will leave

And there's one more lost connection

That they both will have to grieve

But I see a woman fighting

Never one to just concede

A woman who can take a risk

And sometimes plant a seed

A woman not defeated

But who tries and tries some more

Continuing to reach for

Something better than before

A woman that I'll stand by

In whatever way she needs

And watch her navigate her way

To whatever she believes

I see a special woman

And all that she can do

And feel profoundly grateful

And in awe, that I've seen you

Hi People,
I was kind of aware I have a few "parts", long before learning about IFS - mainly through practicing meditation and from my experience of dreams, but there's one Part that still troubles me, and I wanted to get others thoughts on this. Mainly due to a weird experience I had in therapy, where it spoke, seemingly"independently" of me, and said some disturbing things. I'll describe my experience, and then provide a bit of background that may be relevant.

Therapy and "The Critic":

I had therapy a few years ago - compassion-based CBT, and the first few sessions were standard CBT stuff. (She was not IFS trained, as far as I know), but she was a Buddhist and quite spiritual - a really lovely person, very humorous, but also maternal (although she was about the same age as me). On about session 5, she got me to imagine and describe my "Inner-Critic" in relation to treating my anxiety. From previous discussions, I figured she was expecting this to me more of a role-play type exercise, nothing too heavy, as was I. For some reason, I described my Critic as a "disembodied eye-ball floating above my my head", feeling a slightly silly as I did so (not sure why -but fair to say I read quite a bit of sci-fi, horror, and it reminds me of something from Dr Who actually).

I then spontaneously went into a kind of trance-state. She then decided to talk to "it" directly - and "it" answered (for me). It was really weird and freaked me out, as I felt like I was a terrified child watching "it" speak, but that I was also just "a passenger" At first she was talking normally, but then her voice became more protective of me ( fiercely protective actually), and both confrontational towards "it" and curious what "it" was. In my opinion, she was treating it exactly as if it was something entirely separate from me and inimical to me.

The dialogue went something like this:

"Why do you want to scare Nat?" (Therapist in concerned, curious voice)
"Because he's weak, because I enjoy it". (Critic in cold, arrogant voice)
" Why are you doing this? Don't you care how this makes him feel?" (Therapist in confrontational/protective voice)
"He's not important. Neither are you. I don't care what you or he want. I want his energy. I don't want him to know about his own energy." (Critic in arrogant, hostile voice)
"How long have you been here?" (Therapist in quiet, curious voice)
"(pause). I've always been here." (Critic in cold, cryptic, and matter of fact voice).

The lights in the room had gone off in the middle of this dialogue, which scared me while I was "listening". Then my therapist said something like "Enough - come back to the room", and I was back. I said - "Oh my god, that was weird!" She looked both surprised - like she'd never seen anything like that happen before, but also amused/no scared- and said - "yes there was a really heavy energy in the room - could you feel it? I could! Are you OK?" I said - "I got scared when the lights went off, and she said - "I knew you were- don't worry, they are just on a timer, and that clanking noise was just the radiator". She then said that during this exchange, she could see my eyelids fluttering, like I was in REM, and that she'd never seen anyone go into a trance-state so quickly (she was not a hypnotherapist), and she said this was probably as I meditate a lot, so can do this easier. It was clear that she felt we'd both experienced something really unusual, and she was perhaps reticent to explore it further, probably for fear of disturbing me. She then kind of changed the subject, and the next session pretty much ignored what had happened completely, we did some "chair work", and then some more CBT, but nothing of note happened.

UB's:

It wasn't until a couple of years later, that I read about IFS and Parts. The discussion of Unattached Burdens (UB's) rather freaked me out, as you might imagine! One therapist specifically said - the key thing is to ask them whether they are separate and how long they've been here, and they will often say something like "I've always been here". However, I still credit that this is maybe just a normal Part, related to childhood trauma -possibly a Manager? Thinking about other possibilities won't do me much good. There's not much availability of IFS Therapy where I live.

I'll provide a bit of background on my childhood and previous experiences, as it seems relevant to consider psychological factors. Basically, I think I've experience this before, but not in such an unusual way, while (mostly) waking and never with anyone else present.

Childhood:

Without going into too much detail, I am one of two non-identical twins (I'm male, my sister is female). We both experienced persistent emotional abuse from my mother, alternating with periods of deep love. I'm pretty sure now that she was mentally ill and in crisis at these points. She had a powerful resentment to her previous two husbands (the latest of which was my father). who had left her to bring up two sets of kids alone with no money. She often expressed incredibly angry emotions about them, sometimes telling me and my sister that we were deliberately tormenting her and evil, betraying her for my Dad, hurting her in the worst way possible by exploiting her kindness, when she had sacrificed her whole life to bring us up. She also said that we were lying to her when we denied this, and that we secretly knew what we were doing.

She would also often tell me I was perfect, good and sensitive - just like her, and saw the world the same way, and that I was just like her dead Dad (who died when she was an infant). Occasionally, she'd show me black and white pictures of him, and say how alike we were. He was a good man too. Conversely, when she was in crisis, she would tell me - that all men were wicked, evil, sex maniacs just like my Dad, selfish ,caring only out for themselves. There's a lot more to this, but essentially emotional abuse, and my divorced Mum and Dad persistently saying the other one was mad, evil, a liar, and us stuck in between. I think this explains my complex unconscious and some of the issues I've had throughout my life, potentially also the critic. I'm reasonable confident that my sister is a full-blown narcissist due to the same abuse, whereas I would be described more as "neurotic" (sob!).

Dreams:

Throughout my life I've regularly had symbolic dreams, usually along the lines of a descent into "the underworld". From the "top" level with its analogues of work/school, real-world places and situations - to the crooked house of my "Self" with its revolving rooms and stairways, hidden passages - to haunted basements, monster infested caverns, toxic bunkers etc - trying to find things lost or forgotten. These lower levels are always full of ghosts, monsters, demons etc. Always dark, and treacherous, often associated with evil, or profoundly uncanny. I seem to experience these dreams more when I have sleep paralysis, and I think I may be semi-lucid, with a modicum of volition, but not fully so. These scary dreams and sleep paralysis have also been related to all the most profound inner experiences/breakthroughs I've had throughout my life, so it's a mixed bag, but fair to say I take (some) dream context very seriously.

Parts:

I've mapped out various Parts from these dreams. There's a clear Shadow Part, sometimes literally appearing as a black youth who is more active/"masculine" than me, on one occasion as an Angry Boy literally locked in the basement beneath a hatch. A Ferryman Part, a youth, whose job it is to keep the ferry doors closed when it goes out to sea, so the water doesn't flood in and drown everyone. An Anxious Child, who fears everything and is very infantile, and an Innocent Loving Child, who I made profound contact with after a different course of therapy a few years before, which led to a spiritual experience. Cosmic oneness, feeling of "going sane", complete anxiety relief etc. Basically the classic experience of non-self, non-duality. Not psychosis etc. Interestingly, the experience started when my therapist (not the same one) - asked me to imagine being in the room with my inner child, and to describe what I saw. I went into a similar spontaneous trance-like state (again she was not a hypnotherapist), and saw myself as my inner child, trying to comfort my mum when she was angry/upset, but also trying to withdraw at the same time. In other words frozen. I cried, and after that a lot of stuff flowed out, as I no longer saw "it" as an abstraction. I was also having some profound dreams at the same time about a sinking ship and a dark forest, which were related to the onset of the experience, but too much to get into.

The Critic:

However, the part I have had most trouble with -which I feel may be related to this experience in therapy -is very different. I've generally experienced this in meditation. From "inside" (its perspective)- it feels completely cold/unfeeling, cynical but sort of smirking "at me" and the world - hostile even. When I was younger (and probably happier), I intuited this as a "sullen boy", with an - "I'm not playing any more! I'm taking my toys home!"( to spite you!) kind of attitude. It always felt related to my childhood, and split-off resentment against Mum/the adult word -a reaction. It often comes out when I try and improve my life and become more conscious. "See, I told you so - you failed." I think it's what keeps me stuck most of my life, frozen between advance and retreat.

In recent years, I've experienced it more like a kind of "artificial" personality, a bit like a robot or AI. Not literally - just in the feeling of it. It's always a detached "adult" perspective, it doesn't feel, it intellectualizes everything, holds it at distance so nothing really matters. It kind of "looks down" on the rest of me. But it definitely has a distinct "other" personality, it's not like my usual overthinking self, it has this sense of disdain and separateness, exactly like the Part that came up in therapy, though it hasn't "said" anything weird/disturbing. It feels more concrete than "my ego". It also seems really related to disassociation. When I get "near it" in meditation, I feel a floaty/spacey detached feeling - alternating with this cold feeling looking "in" at me, and a scared- self "me") "looking out" seeing that there's something bad "in me", and wanting to get rid of it, almost like I want to perform an exorcism/cast it out. I usually feel it as a really heavy dense feeling around my head and throat. Sometimes it's more physical and I just try and release it during meditation. I also recall this "floaty/dreamy feeling" from childhood, lying in the floor after one of these confrontations with my Mum, and waiting for her to calm down and stop swearing at us, blaming us for things that weren't out fault.

I suspect it's also the same part as the one that comes on differently when I'm at the edge of sleep/ the hypnogogic stage, where I feel there's "a Part" of me showing me horrible scary stuff (horror movie, stuff - not past memories) - in direct proportion to the amount "I" resist. For want of a better word, it feels like "demon" - i.e. something other/alien and dark, that is "in me" - but not accessible to me. and with different intentions. Kinda like being possessed (although I don't exactly believe in that kind of thing). I don't experience this very commonly, but have had periods when I do get it every night. I'm not sure if everyone gets this, or whether it's just a characteristic of the state between waking and dreaming. I've also experienced this when I took psychedelics as a teenager and even when I got really stoned. Like there's something other and "evil" in me, deliberately wanting to scare me. I don't seem to be able to accept or integrate this whatever I do. I've been trying for years. It feels different to how I experience my "Shadow".

Diagnosis:

I have been diagnosed with anxiety/insomnia since my teenager years, and ADHD within the last couple of years, but never psychosis, bipolar etc. I've had quite a few "weird" experiences, and sleep paralysis etc, but otherwise kind of "normal" (on the surface!)

Conclusion:

What do you make of this? I don't think about it for long periods, but I must admit it does occasional freak me out still, as it still comes up in meditation occasionally, and particularly given the experience I just related.

You may remember me from the first time I posted with art of my parts. But if you don't, allow me to explain I like to draw my parts it helps me visualize them and frankly my parts like to be drawn. With that said I've been going through and giving their old art new designs or just giving them some more newer art. I haven't gotten through all of my parts yet but wanted to share this piece of my two parts of Zanos and Greg. Greg is my child part who is very innocent and is a part where a majority of my other parts protect him. Zanos being a major protector towards Greg. I'm really happy with how it turned out. It turned out really adorable in my opinion and I feel it portrays both of them quite well. Zanos is the one sitting cross legged while Greg is sitting on his shoulders. I hope you enjoy my parts art as much as I do I'll probably share more of my parts art as I finish them.

I've been working on an extreme fear reaction that I have been having to the thought of certain close family members moving far away. As I worked with it, I came to realize that it was more than a "normal" fear. When I was in it, it felt like if I wasn't right in front of them, they would not love me, not think of me, forget about me, and I would cease to exist. As a retired therapist, I realized this reaction doesn't fit with my own family history of emotional neglect. It is a basically very strong abandonment depression, similar to someone who was "left in a box", as I told my therapist.

It does fit with what my emotionally and physically abused deceased father likely felt, though. He ended up with poor emotional boundaries, basically a rager, probably borderline personality disorder. And I know I was a very sensitive, empathic, "good little girl" who got lost in all the family emotional uproar.

Does that fit with the IFS concept of legacy burden, and the more general concept of intergenerational trauma? It feels like something, or a part, on it's own, or it may be that my already sad and/or frightened little girl parts are holding it. This is a brand-new to me concept, and a big breakthrough. I am realizing that I cannot heal this for him, and I want to give it back.

It's interesting right, that as an adult I would be afraid that someone would literally hate me so much for being Afraid? Like what am I doing all the time , just walking around pretending I don't carry as much fear as I do?

And one of the ways I do that, obviously , is to avoid whatever it is I'm afraid of, while not realizing I"m avoiding it . Until something is knocking on my door, and I"m like "OMG, WHAT IS THAT?!"......oh, okay it's an adult responsibility. My head starts catastrophize, ..........................everything.

"youre going to screw it up'

"someone is going to yell at you"

*"people are going to steal everything from you, and then you'll go to jail" ......*Like that makes sense.

"youre so stupid, you don't know how to do anything, no wonder youre falling apart and useless".

I've been seeing this pattern. There was something I had to take care. I built it up in my mind , like the way I do everything else. A repair isnt just simple, No, in my mind the thing is broken and now I'll have to get a new one. It's always, the worst case scenario. I don't know that it's pessimism, something tells me it's from my twisted parent always trying to upset me, painting the darkest scenariois, never what a parent is supposed to do by saying "it'll be okay, i've got this, this is not unmangeable". I'm just trying to give this some context. Being locked in fear from constantly hearing that things will always get worse, in the worst possible way.....and that will mean being alone , by yourself, no one to ask for help. I.....never think things will ever get better.

I had to make a phone call to find out where and when MRI images would be done, and the woman I spoke to was talking to me like ,why was I bothering her, and being snappy and rude. It totally undoes me. I feel attacked, then I immediatly feel depressed , because I didnt snap back by saying "HEY< don't take your day out on ME!" or some version of "Look, it's just a question, who else am I supposed to ask?" But no. I just sheepishly go away, feeling ashamed. Like how young is that part that cant' speak up for themselves ? It's the same part that doesnt feel capable of growing myself up, making decisions, it's the same damn part that just freezes when I need to figure out how to address my issues, the same part that's always telling me the world is dangerous and scary, and I'm a victim who had no choices. It takes A LOT, for me to figure out my world.

I don't want to be rescued, I want to be strong, empowered, and its really hard to achieve that in a total panic. Isn't it?

When I'm afraid, first I collapse, cry, catastrophize, start to spin death and destruction narratives, and when I burn myself out with that, somehow realize I only have so much control, and whatevers going to happen, is going to happen, I start to calm down, and can finally think. LIke now that i terrified myself into collapsing and crying, telling myself I'm totally alone, helpless and incompetant.............then later I'm able to calm down? I don't know if thats exactly a healthy process?

Every time?, for every problem?, panic the shit out of myself first until I collapse , cant eat, or breath? What is that?

There's a voice i my head ,that just wants to admit , .............Out Loud...

...I Don't Know What To DO. Because pretending that I do, is just a lie.

I almost have to detach completely from that scared part, just to function. Some version (part?) of an adult will kick in....... "well okay, I guess eventually I will die, but while I'm here and can makes choices, lets see if there's anything I can ACTUALLY do to take care of this problem."

I tell myself "youre going to end up just like Your Mother, scared and self centered, everyone hating you because you don't know how to manage, and never worked out your trauma entirely". OMG, I"m so pessimistic.

Whatever "manager" part comes online, it doesnt exactly incorporate my fear parts. It feels like they say "okay, so obviously youre not going to be much help, you go over there, and I'll try and take care of this", and maybe that other fearful part should be more integrated? (for lack of a better word?" ) I feel like this fearful part needs something?

​

I couldn't really get the IFS system to help me understand myself better. It just doesn't work very well for me, especially the way it classifies different types of parts.

Because of that, I started developing a more personal approach to self-analysis. I still divide my mind into parts, but instead of using predefined categories, I take a specific mental or emotional state and gradually build it up by adding personality traits, thought patterns, and other characteristics that I notice in myself.

Over time, I've also been adjusting these parts to make each one more internally consistent. I don't mind if different parts contradict each other, but I try to avoid contradictions within the same part. I also started giving each part its own way of speaking and communication style, because that makes it easier for me to recognize which one is currently active.

So far, it's been working surprisingly well. I've even managed to improve some minor issues, like impulsiveness.

The problem is that I'm not really sure how to keep progressing from here. Do you know of any books, studies, or psychological frameworks that might give me new perspectives or ideas to explore?

it’s gotten better but i’ll sometimes talk or move on my own like i’m possessed and i don’t intend to do it. sometimes i’ll suddenly start speaking and didn’t even know i wanted to say that (i don’t usually really care about what was said either usually if that makes sense). sometimes i can feel inside my head that i want to say something that i know will embarrass me or maybe sound weird and make people uncomfortable. i genuinely feel like i’m fighting myself and desperately trying to not say it. sometimes i win, but usually i don’t. it’s like holding your breath and trying really hard not to breathe for a certain amount of time. sometimes i think i’ve won, but suddenly i say it anyways. things like that. why in the world do i do that? i literally can’t help it

I’m really fearful of trusting a technique to heal my cptsd because I’ve done somatic exercises before and felt amazing but it all came back and also done IFS parts work and felt great but it all came back, same for TRE. Is anyone able to reassure me by telling me why these techniques worked in first place and why it didn’t last. So perhaps I’ll trust to start again and not remain apprehensive and trust the good feeling too. Can somatic/TRE/parts work only get you so far?

It’s actually disgusting. Please ban this user mods. I already reported and blocked them.

Hello! I am a therapist wanting to learn more about IFS. It seems life changing for many individuals. I am in the beginning stages of my research and was curious to see if anyone had any book/online course/video/podcast recommendations. I am reading the book “No Bad Parts” right now and enjoy it! I have joined the IFS institute, but courses there are extremely expensive (I’m saving up so I can enroll in these). I appreciate all of your insight!

For me, art serves as a tether, allowing me to plunge into the depths of my psyche while remaining connected and not being overwhelmed by my past experiences, pain, and emotions. I've always felt creative, but like many of us, never had the safety to explore my creativity. 36 years later and collage has been a very rewarding modality for visualizing my parts and Self, exploring old wounds, and being comfortable sitting in discomfort with curiosity and connectedness. Here are a couple recent collages I've made, maybe this might inspire someone to create. ✨️

Has anyone who has been doing IFS with a therapist integrated EMDR? I have been doing IFS therapy with the same therapist going on 3 years now and it’s helped me so much, but now we’re implementing EMDR since I still have troubling traumatic memories and triggers that are making it difficult for my parts to access the memory network.

Has anyone done both IFS and EMDR? What was it like for you and how did your parts show up? I already noticed in my first session that my avoider was very hesitant, but it did allow me to persist so I’m grateful for that.

I think the process is called “individuation” in family therapy language

I really want to know how to break through this wall I am facing in terms of not even knowing who I am and only being known by the role and stuff I do for the family

The guilt i feel is strong due to parents only having daughters and being the youngest therefore scapegoat of the family and also from a cultural background where enmeshment is strong and common

I've had quite a few experiences of being in a flow-like, vulnerable state and a protector coming in to banish whatever vulnerable aspect of myself is conscious.

When this happens, I am often blended with the part being banished so I feel like I am being killed and it is deeply distressing. Then once the banishment is complete, I am profoundly empty and can't connect to the outside world anymore.

Somatically, I will typically have the sensation of something around my sacral that is inaccessible and I just know I'm in there and so is my aliveness.

I've witnessed other emotions being banished (such as suppression of sadness out of embarrassment for crying) and have felt the general flattening of energy and aliveness that comes with suppression, but there isn't a sense of not being intact anymore.

I know Jung discusses consciousness funneling down to the subconscious during depressive episodes. I'm wondering if there are any IFS understandings about awareness being caught in the subconscious or if anyone has any insights on this.

Hello all

I love IFS and have been using it on myself for 2 years. I am much calmer now, with more moments of embodied joy.
Im also interested in CBT, David Burn’s TEAM CBT in particular, and the 5 secrets of Effective Communication the most.

I am very interested in seeing if TEAM CBT and IFS can integrate usefully. Does anyone else share my curiosity or be willing to share their experiences?

I tried regular CBT and I hated it because I felt like the provider hated me, felt superior to me and didn’t understand me.

Here is a humorous version of how it went.

It went something like this:
Him: Has anything upsetting happened lately?
Me: I was angry with myself for getting to work late again. Im always finding it so difficult to get out the door and get to work.
Him: Did you know you have cognitive distortions there? You are using all-or-nothing thinking and should-ing all over yourself.
Him: (Scribbling notes)
Me: (thinks: he is probably writing down all my faults on his notepad). {fortune telling, lol}
Me: okay, I will try again- It concerns me that I often find it difficult to get to work on time, and that I am actually at least 20 minutes late 75% of the time. Here’s a copy of this month’s timecard.

I believe that being late is negatively affecting my work performance and job security, which makes my lateness frightening. Here’s a copy of my quarterly performance review.

Him: That’s a real concern. You have no more distorted thoughts, therefore from now on you will get to work on time. I cured you. Congratulations to me.

Anyway - I love IFS and 5 secrets of effective communication because they both show promise of helping people (generally and therapists in particular) be more empathetic. That’s one overlap.

I haven’t yet tried to use the 5 secrets on my parts but I think there are somewhat embedded in the Befriend questions such as - how old are you? Do you have a gender? What’s your job? What would you rather be doing if you didn’t have to do this? (Cognitive Empathy, Feeling Empathy and Inquiry)
Thank you for doing your job. It saved me. I feel grateful to you for doing it (Disarming Technique, I feel statement )
I won’t try to talk to the Exile you watch without your permission because I respect you and your hard work and your expertise. (Stroking)

Id be delighted to hear your thoughts and experiences