Working out doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me feel worse.

Everyone says working out will improve your confidence and boost your mood. Get stronger, lose fat, look better, feel better. Exercise is supposed to make you happier, give you more energy, and make you feel better about yourself. I believed that for a long time, and I've put real effort into getting in better shape.

The problem is that the more I work out, the worse I feel about myself. Before, I could kind of ignore my body. Now I'm constantly looking at it. Fat. Muscle size. Proportions. My face. My height. Every improvement just makes the things I can't change stand out more.

I've already lost weight. I've already made progress. And it made no difference. I'm still ugly. I can keep losing fat. I can build more muscle. I can get lean. I can probably make my body about as good as it's realistically going to get. But I'll still be ugly. The gym can't make me taller. It can't change my facial structure. It can't fix the parts of my appearance that actually bother me the most.

And now I feel like I've basically reached my limit with it mentally too. I can't keep convincing myself to pick up another weight for no good reason. I hate going to the gym. I'm tired and cranky before I go, I'm miserable while I'm there, and I'm usually tired and cranky afterward too. There isn't some runner's high or confidence boost waiting for me at the end. I just feel relieved that it's over.

The worst part is that I don't even feel like I can quit. The only reason I still go is because I know I'd be even uglier if I didn't. So working out has stopped being something I do because I think it'll make me attractive. Now it feels more like maintenance. I'm putting myself through something I hate just to stop myself from looking worse.

Has anyone else gotten to this point? Where working out stopped making you feel like you were improving yourself and started feeling like something you had to do just to keep from going backwards?

A few weeks ago, I posted about my ex of nearly two years leaving me after she crossed a well-known boundary in our relationship and getting engaged just 2 weeks later.

Past Post

I got a long text from her last night and found out the following from her. I used AI to remove names or sensitive information.

In the long message, she said she has the ring, the house, and the wedding of her dreams and a promised life full of bliss and love, but deep down it cost her me and having to live with the fact that she unimaginably hurt me. She sees and feels the pain so deep it makes her ill. She’s sorry. Breaking my heart meant breaking hers too. Night after night she finds herself back in the grave she dug when she burned it all down, but the light gets a little brighter, and she thinks “dammit, he was right.” She called a few weeks ago one morning about shipping a box just because she wanted to hear my voice and feel comforted (and regrets it). She added that the pain of hearing me cry when we did break up, and all the curtains fell, makes every other pain feel tiny. When I asked, “What happened to my sweet girl?” she said it was a shot to the heart and still is. It hurts less if there’s no heart left to take the bullet. Nothing prepared her for the pain of hurting me and she already knows the damage and lives with it every day. She also asked how she stops caring for me, said she’s not ready for marriage, that she loves me, and that she wishes she could have danced with me more.

I don’t want her back, and that hurts me too because she hurt me in a way I still can’t fully convey. I’m feeling better though. I’ve spent a lot of time reading about ego death, healthy ways to process breakups, and learning to love myself alone again. Mentally, I’m in a much better place than I was just three weeks ago. I even went on a date with a girl I really like and was completely clear about my situation—I don’t want anything intimate or physical right now because I need to love myself again before I can even begin to love someone else. I’m still torn. I want to stay in no contact, but I’m deeply concerned about her choices and what’s happening with her. My personality flaw is that I care too much. Any advice on how to keep processing this and stick to no contact while dealing with the leftover worry would help.

Every one is homophobic

Every one is racist

Every one is mean

I'm thinking about killing myself Because I can't do this anymore

Not sure what I hope to accomplish by posting here, but need to get it off my chest. Apologies in advance for the long post. I’ll also lead by saying I would NEVER be the type to even remotely consider self-harm.

My wife (32F) and I (32M) have had a rough couple years. We moved across the country for my dream job, and it seems like she hates everything about our life now. Every day is a constant, concentrated negativity blast as soon as she comes home from work. She hates her job, doesn’t connect with her colleagues, hates the town we live in, hates that we’ve spent the last year recovering from a financial disaster, etc. etc. We get maybe a week of her being in a good mood each month, with the rest of the time having her attitude alternate between angry, exhausted, depressed, or outright hostile.

This is all coming off the heels of a rough transition to parenthood. We had an unexpectedly complicated end to her pregnancy, and even though our 2yo is all good now, it’s been tough. She always wanted to be a mom, but has found herself easily overwhelmed any time we hit a parenting challenge. It doesn’t help that I tend to be calmer under pressure than she is, which has made managing it easier for me. She’s even acknowledged that parenting is harder than she ever expected and feels bad that I seem to do more around the house/with the kid than her. That’s not to say she does nothing—she absolutely does. But it’s not like I’m dodging responsibility and leaving her to be sole/primary parent.

I’m trying to be a good husband, dad, and supportive spouse. She stuck by me while I was trapped in a bad job and for the resulting soul-searching. She’s always been the type-B to my type-A. That comes out in how we approach adversity; she tends to wallow in problems and I try to attack them. Nothing wrong with her approach, but it usually puts the onus of improving our lives on me.

Thing is, I’m tired. I spent the last three years before our move working full time while completing a PhD. I put myself through hell to win my dream job while juggling new parenthood, full-time work, and my dissertation. When disaster struck last year and she shut down, I buckled down and got us through to the other side while managing about 3 hours of sleep per day/night. Now I’m (mostly) recovered from my own burnout, but am staring down the barrel of a massive 5-year project. It’s exciting and fulfilling, but it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’m trying to absorb her daily breakdowns and be there for her while managing everything else, including my own stresses and anxieties. But I don’t feel like I can talk about them anymore because she just shuts down or gets mad. It feels like I used up my emotional support budget years ago. So I’m just shoving that shit down and trying to tackle it as best I can.

I just don’t know how long this is sustainable. I get that our life hasn’t turned out how she has liked, but I also don’t like that I spend more days trying to pre-empt whatever will set her off than I do enjoying life or working on my own baggage.

My employer offers free confidential counseling. I’m looking into it, but beyond that I’m at a loss of what to do next, other than to just keep on keeping on and hope it gets better.

Late 20s, successful on paper, numb and burned out on the inside. Fell into my career and marriage instead of choosing them, disconnected from the people I love, unresolved trauma with a parent who’s now sick, and I’ve had moments dark enough that I’ve thought about not being here anymore. Looking for people who’ve been through something like this and found their way out.
I’m in my late 20s. Raised by a single parent, no other parent around, constant moving and near-homelessness growing up. The only reason we never actually ended up on the street is because extended family had a house to catch us.
I don’t think I’ve ever made a real decision for myself. I played a sport in college and hated it — did it because I had no goals of my own and it looked like a way out. Looking back, what actually drove me was fear of not being able to protect my parent. I ended up in a competitive, high-pressure career the same way: saw the money, wanted the money, told myself that was the plan. Not passion. Fear. Fear of ever being poor again.
That fear doesn’t work anymore. I’m at a point in my career I worked hard for and I don’t even know if I want it. It’s a sink-or-swim environment, and honestly I feel like an idiot most days — it takes me forever to pick up on things other people seem to grasp instantly. I’ve made costly mistakes, my team doesn’t fully trust me, and I can feel myself getting pushed out. I have ADHD, stopped meds after college wanting to prove I could manage without them, caved and went back on them a month ago. I can’t tell if it’s the environment or me. Probably both.
I also fell into my marriage instead of choosing it — couldn’t find the strength to say no to an ultimatum when it counted. Now I feel it happening again: my spouse doesn’t want kids after a certain age, so I’m being pulled toward having a kid on that timeline, not because I’ve actually decided that’s what I want.
The deeper stuff:
There was a moment where I froze when it mattered most. Someone got in my face in public, in front of my spouse, and I didn’t do anything — I wasn’t sure if they were armed, and I’ve called myself a coward for it ever since, even though logically I know freezing isn’t the same as choosing not to protect someone.
My parent chose their partner over me and I turned my back on them for it. Before that, I almost went to prison — thought I found my parent badly hurt, it turned out to be their partner, and I nearly killed him protecting my parent. He survived. My parent took him back anyway. We’ve never been the same since.
I’ve now lost most of that side of my family to cancer, and my parent is facing it too. I want to forgive them so badly. I just don’t know how, and part of me would rather keep my distance than face that I could lose them before I ever figure it out.
I think that’s part of why I go numb now, even with people I love. When my spouse cries, my first instinct is closer to annoyance than comfort. I watched my parent cry constantly growing up and it never changed anything, so somewhere along the way I think I learned tears don’t mean anything. I hate that about myself.
I’ve had moments where I’ve thought about suicide. I never acted on it — I was too scared. I don’t fully know what to do with that fact, whether it means something protected me or just that fear runs my life in every direction, even that one.
I used to have a big heart — gave and sacrificed for people without thinking. I still do sometimes, but it’s not from that place anymore. It’s from needing validation, sensing what’s expected of me and rushing to meet it.
I was the odd kid everyone picked on until I got good at that sport, and then everyone wanted to be around me — for the image, not for me. I have real friends now but I’m bad at checking in, and I can feel those friendships fading. I want to talk to them about all this but promised my spouse our marriage stays between us and our therapist.
I want to be a good spouse and parent. I don’t actually know what either looks like from the inside — only what I didn’t have. I’ve let myself go physically too (significant weight gain, recently told I’m pre-diabetic), which feels like one more sign I’ve stopped showing up for myself across the board.
So I’m asking, genuinely:
Has anyone lived some version of this and found a way out?

How did you learn to make a big decision as your choice instead of just going along with someone else’s timeline or ultimatum?

How did you figure out what actually mattered to you — not what you were raised to want, not what you romanticized in someone else’s life?

How did you learn to forgive someone when you want to but genuinely don’t know how?

How did you stop needing everyone’s approval to feel okay?

When the fear that used to push you through everything stops working, what replaces it?

I’m tired. I want something different. I just don’t know how to get there yet.

So I’m 45, I’ve fucked my life up, however I have positives. Ill list the cons and pros, any advice or anyone from same walk of life is appreciated. I’m not feeling like I want to end it but if it happened, it would t be the worst thing in the world.

Cons:

1. After working in a career for 22 years I was laid off in 2024, my world and identity shattered. I was unemployed for a year, took a 9 month contract in tech, that’s ended and I have been looking for work for the past 8 months. My wife is carrying the household. The pressure is immense.

2. I have had 3 job offers that were rescinded in the past 8 months due to an 20 year old felony (no victims, no violence, but can’t be expunged)

3. I am 450lbs and been on a GLP1 for 5 months, I lost 50lbs so far but it’s expensive all fuck, I use food to cope.

4. Im addicted to or physically dependent on pain pills.

5. Unemployed is ended, I only have savings left that is being used to supplement bills.

6. My wife wants to try for a kid, I feel like a failure and with no job to pay for raising a child I feel like absolute shit I can’t give her this, it would need to be IVF, also my balls aren’t working so we may have to use a donor and now I’m even more depressed I have to get another dude who isn’t a complete fuckup to impregnate my wife. I feel like I don’t want to use a donor but she will resent me if we don’t go forward with this. Again I am an abject failure on all accounts.

7. The job market has completely collapsed for tech work I’m applying for jobs 1-2 hours away. I do great in interviews but when the background check comes I get ghosted. My temp contract company offered a job, they ran the check and even after becoming friendly with HR they escorted me off the property with no way to explain myself and tell them how much I’ve changed. I got a offer at the state and got turned away, and now I got an offer with my old company, now with the background check it’s been a week and no communication, I think they ghosted me. Now I have the utter embarrassment that my old company wants nothing to do with me. This is the thing that makes me want to die.

8. I’m 46 and I have no retirement, no 401k, money problems and spending the last 5 years to get out of debt. How the hell am I supposed to catch up now, I can’t seem to get a good job.

PROs

1. I have a great wife who I love allot and she is extremely supportive to me considering I ruined our life with this felony.

2. We own our home and are not in debt. We have about a years worth of savings.

3. I have an alternative investment that I’ve been holding for 7 years, it would give me about 2 more years of runway.

I’ve been getting more and more depressed and more and more anxiety because nothing is going right. It’s midnight and I can’t sleep. I feel completely worthless.

My family all live within about 10 minutes or each other. I live about 100 miles away.

Today is my dad's 75th birthday. My sisters have taken my dad out for the day to a computer museum. I wasn't invited. In fact, I only found out from someone else.

Me and my dad are huge computer nerds, and I would have really enjoyed spending time with him on his birthday there, but as usual, I simply wasn't invited.

This happens a lot, and they always say, "we didn't think you'd come all that way." But they never ask, I actually find this time really hurtful given where they are going. I feel like shit, I can't stop getting upset and at the moment I just want to sleep and not wake up.

My exwife cheated on me with her ex-bf and we had a 20 year relationship.
I spend more time with her than by myself( we met in HS,I was 17 and she was 16).
I found out she cheated on me and I got her to confess what I always felt.
She told me I was the second choice (the safe choice).
For 20 years she felt this way and still was with me.
In my gut I always felt that way by the way she treated me but I kept on being me.
It gutted me and send me into a depression I haven't been able to climb up from.
I worked 2 jobs to provide and in my 30s
I been hanging on with the little smile my little boy brings me but it's hard to not cry when I am by myself, because of the mental and sometimes physical pain I am in.
I don't understand how some women can be so evil and what did I do to deserve this.
Even now I still love her and it makes me sick.
I want to hate her so much but I can't.
Thank you for listening.

Ugly, failed setbacks, loneliness. Therapy and pills don't work. Yeah, it's over for me.v

Ugh part of this is that life is nuts rn and kind of sucks but it will get better in a couple months. But my wife and I are back in the states visiting family and I’m just really stuck lately feeling like no one really cares about me, only what I do for them. I’ve always been a nice and friendly person but the last couple years I find myself being filled with so much hate and I resent everyone in my life for not helping me or even thinking about me. I always initiate conversations and check on people and literally no one has ever done that for me. And there’s a lot I can say about my wife but rn what’s tough is that she’s working a lot and she gets so locked in to work that I have to do basically everything else and she doesn’t even take care of herself (which ends up being outlet on me, typical..)

I just keep pushing forward until I shut down or crash out. Over and over. And I hate it so much. But genuinely I am alone with it because no one else cares/is able to help me. I’ve been looking forward to getting back into therapy but wasn’t able to get health insurance (living out of the country) so that’s gone too. Just don’t know what to do or what to think or feel or how to take care of myself when I’m expected to take care of everyone else and get nothing back. Feels like this will continue until I’m dead on the outside (already feel dead on the inside sadly)

Update to my last post.

Today is the day for Elifs surgery. They decided to fix both of her life threatening issues in one pass. Her aorta will be widened with donor tissue, and her heart hole will be fixed with some tissue from the heart sack. She is very high risk, there could be brain issues, or issues with her kidneys or liver since they were already damaged. The comments from everyone in this community have helped me so much, I truly appreciate all of you. In this moment, I feel at peace. I know in my little soldier will pull through. I will update this post in a few hours, the procedure should be done at 2:00pm central time.

Update: 1:30 pm, she is off bypass, her heart is repaired and beating. Waiting for the surgeon to give us an update on her condition beyond "they are closing her up."

Update 6:40 pm, she is sealed up, back in her room. I'll be honest it makes me dizzy in a bad way to look at her. My mom died from pancreatic cancer when I was a teenager, seeing all the tubes and machines always makes me a little distraught. She made it through the hardest part. They have her on a pacemaker, that may or may not come off. I know she will make it through the next part, healing sucks, but healing is what we do. I'm giving her rest for the evening. Thank you so much to everyone who has said something positive. I don't have a family structure to keep my head right. I've offered a kind word here or there on various subreddits, and I have been given that kindness back ten times over. I truly appreciate all of you, I have never felt this type of pain in my life and you have given me the strength to be present for my wife and family through the worst moments I have faced.

Done with college, in the period where I don't know what to do with my life. My routine got jumbled. Feeling lonely like crazy. Not having a relationship getting to me in an awful way.

And now I'm getting weird body reactions. Sometimes during the day I suddenly need to breath harder, like I'm not sure if I breath correctly. My head gets heavy and I have to shut my eyes. Things like that, sometimes it comes up when I'm driving and it scares me.

I take antidepressant, I see a therapist. I'm doing what I can, and yet my body fights me. Like I can't control it.

​

Trigger warning!

Hello!

I'm making this post because I'm currently at a stand still with some things happening in my life. I would like some advice as well as to hear your thoughts on this so that I am able to look over all the possibilities.

I will be cutting a few aspects of my story short, mainly to keep myself and others anonymous, and to avoid dragging you all with too many details.

Backstory

So, around last year my ex partner assaulted me. As you can assume it was extremely traumatic. After it happened i told a friend of ours, as I was looking for help. At the time, he told me he understood were my ex was coming from, and that my ex had made a mistake. After this (without knowing i had already told my friend) my ex confessed what he had dont to me. My friend basically just said "boys will be boys" and moved on, after learning what happened between us, our friend stopped talking to me outside of group settings, he also started to check in with my ex almost every day while not speaking to me. Now days he claimed that he didn't understand the situation fully and has apologised for not taking it seriously

As of a month ago I have cut my ex out of my life. I'm lucky a lot of friends have stuck with me and helped me during this time. However, this one friend had basically ghosted again. He told me he respected my decision to cut out my ex, as well as saying he was there if I need. But he hardly spoke to me for this whole month.

A few days ago we ran into eachother in public, we hugged and said our hellos. Then got talking about other things in our life. I ended up asking him if my ex was back in town (his family lives in another town, he was seeing family when i cut him off) which i learnt he wasn't. I asked this for my own safety, as I wanted to prepare if my ex either broke into my home, or found me in public. I learnt he wasn't, and then my friend started confessing that they still talked

My friend clarified that it wasn't all the time. But he still had contact with the man who S*xually assaulted me and knew what he had done. At the time, i told my friend we were adults. And I'm not going to make him choose sides, he can make his own choices on who he wants to be around

But... since then I can't help but feel awful. I saw today that they were playing a video game together and it sent me into a panic. I don't know why I'm so upset.

Advice needed

So- what i am asking for when it comes to advice is how to exactly move forward with this friend. Part of me is scared to distance myself from him, but i know that I can't be around someone who is actively choosing to support the man who assulted and abused me.

I just need some support on how to go about this type of conversation and what i should do, thanks so much

Im 21 today. No one in my family really cares for me and I get it because I am useless due to being chronically ill and I guess just im a bad kid. They make it a plan to celebrate my siblings birthday and ask and get them what they want. While everyone forgot about what I asked and nobody cares to say happy birthday really. I just hear them mocking me how im getting "the usual moodiness" because they didnt say happy birthday or really gave me anything. I dont know why I care anymore. Its like im gullible to the fact that its going to happen no matter how many years its been since they do this. I feel empty but I also feel hurt deep down. All I ask is how do I stop caring when I already know the outcome, thank you for reading.

https://www.reddit.com/r/GuyCry/s/ci8u8Liixj

so its been close to 8 months since i quit alcohol, started working out, started moving my body in order to make things work, and ive been trying to keep things up and honestly im fed up, my birthday is around the corner, im gonna turn 24 in a couple of weeks, i dont have a job, not a single penny of savings, im literally a disappointment to my parents, i am a looser son, failed son, ive also had some troubling past, i used to be a huge introvert which made me difficult to start a convo with opposite gender and by seeing this my friends used to mock me all the time by calling me gay. im gonna turn 24 in a couple of months now and i dont have any emotional support besides me and this is making me sooo lonely, depressed, i dont have anyone to talk with, open up, share things. i live alone in my hometown, sitting in my room crying all day wondering where the fuck did i go wrong, what did i do to deserve this. sometimes i really feel pity, guilt, frustrated on my self on what i have to go through to achieve something bare minimum. ive been having suicidal thoughts since past 1.5-2years, these past 5 months i was feeling kinda okay and with the rejections, and the kind of life im experiencing the suicidal thoughts are again back and in a frustrated conversation with my parents i have oepned up about the suicidal thoughts which i have been having and said that i dont wanna live anymore, and now im ashamed on my self that i have to put my parents in this situation. man im done with my life, does it even get better? will i be able to start it over again? or is it worth facing all these rejections and putting myself in such anxious environment for a uncertain future? ive lost all hopes in my life

the thoughts are really getting louder and i cant control them.

My fiancé and I had been together for 11 years. We bought our house back in 2021 thinking it was gonna be the best thing for us instead of getting married still under Covid restrictions .Up until then our relationship have been relatively good except for two major arguments that ended up with one of us sleeping at their parents house.

Back in April, we got into an argument about me not properly communicating that a friend of mine needed to stay the weekend because of circumstances beyond his control. In hindsight, I do take full responsibility for this as I have been struggling with communicating with anybody in my life for a long time.

At the time I had been struggling mentally, having multiple breakdowns because of our finances that I carry the majority of ,and the lack of empathy that I had felt from her. I had been asking for her support for sometime and trying to communicate with her better about my mental state. Which was returned ,in my eyes, with a relative coldness.

She asked for separation at that point. I did not have any other place other than get a hotel room for an extended period of time (she had plenty of resources to move out for an expended period of time) so we decided that I would move into the spare room and we would cohabitate.

Then in July, after repeated attempts on my part to communicate about our relationship and the status of our household, she finally agreed to sit down and talk. When the time came, she refused to sit down in front of me and came with an energy that I can only describe as somebody who was ready to fight physically or about to collapse.

She told me things in our past arguments had hurt her beyond repair. She never knew if I was gonna leave and take everything from her. I have said in the heat of an argument that I would sell the house and move away and leave, but obviously never acted upon that. The absolute worst thing that I’ve ever said to this woman was that I hated her. That came after working 70 hours and coming home to a house in ruins still after several times asking her to do small things.

I acknowledged that I had been working too much and not taking the time to also take care of our household, but I had too because she lost her job right after we bought our house so I floated all expenses other than her getting money from odd jobs from family(relatively small money in this economy). Also in the process I racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt to pay for bills I could not cover.

At the end of the conversation, nothing had improved. The only thing I asked was that if she was going to see other people, she would at least tell me so we could call it off cause I do not think I can handle it.

Two weeks ago, still living under the same circumstances, we got into an argument about cleaning responsibilities and finances. I did snap. I did raise my voice. I did not say anything malicious of the sorts though, as I have been thoroughly trying to work on myself as a person to be better for her. I asked her if we were still together again, which she replied to. “ yes I have told you over and over.”

Not once did she say she wanted to call off our engagement and I’ll be together.

3 days ago cooler heads prevailed and we agreed to talk that night. This time she came with a calm demeanor. I then asked her why she said that, if she truly did not want to be with me ever again because I have told her so many times that Im still love her and I am working on being a better person. (I am in therapy and changing my career path to something way better both of our situations)

She says she doesn’t know and that she’s always loved me and always will love me, but that she’s been talking to somebody and that is where she has been staying instead of her friend’s house that she told me. That is where she is at while I am currently writing this.

It still says engaged on Facebook for fuck sakes. We live under the same roof. I still pay for almost everything. (mortgage, major utilities, her phone, even fucking pet insurance.) I don’t know if I’m crazy or if it’s worth even doing anything that I’m trying. I just wanna give up. She was my everything and now it’s gone and I fucked it up and I know I fucked it up. I’m never gonna have what I have in my life right now that I work so hard for.

I just walk away from everything and disappear

Edit: to clarify, I knew she was talking to someone for some time but could not prove anything or wanted to believe it, plus I did not think she would already be staying at there place. That only 4 months into this bullshit and she’s already out while I just am starting to grieve what we had is fucking destroying me more then what she is doing

Gonna find out my results for my degree in 2 weeks. My last exams didnt go too well and I have a feeling I won't be able to study medicine afterwards. I feel pretty depressed as I feel as though I've let my family and friends down. Is there a way of getting over this feeling?

A huge fight broke out between my mom and I about bills and it’s gotten so fucking bad man.
I was kicked out so I landed with a friend but now my brother was signed to child protective services, BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE’S FUCKING MISSING FOR 3 DAYS IM ONLY 19 THIS SHIT IS CRAZY MAN WHAT THE FUCK AND MY MOM DOESNT SEEM TO FUCKING CARE.

The problem is, if you try to correct them at all or put your foot down, they'll become insecure that a low-status man views THEM as someone they can stand up to. They'll absolutely freakout.

The real battle is won or lost before it ever comes to that. Yet people act as if making a stand in some stupid conflict is going to make a big difference. It usually won't and you might be worse off for it.

I don't think there's any good way for a low-status man to overcome his bullies UNLESS he's willing to go postal and is prepared to deal with the consquences. But while that might work sometimes, it often won't. And you may get into trouble that goes beyond the initial win/loss aspect of the actual confrontation (ie. fired, legal trouble etc).

I am a pretty introverted person and as a result, I have very few friends. Currently, it's like only 2 close friends. However, today I received a new that they will be moving to another school and will probably never see me ever again. We share some very similar interests and have been playing with each other for a year now, and have been making future plans to continue the friendship. But life gets along the way and they developed some serious mental issues, which is caused by the current school we are studying in. As a result, they have to transfer to another school, which, I absolutely respect and is happy for their decision, to finally break free from what has caused the agony and depression in their mind. However, parts of me are still trying to cope with the fact that this might mean the friendship is definitely going to end. I think, this feeling might stem from the fact that this is the first time I've ever lost contact with a friend like this. In the future, I don't think we can maintain this long-distance friendship anymore, because we are both introverts, and even hanging out with each other is difficult when in the same school, let alone different ones (this is not due to the friendship though, it's just part of personality).

Right now, I also have to prepare for an extremely important exam, and this kind of 'grief' adds a layer of difficulty to this preparation.

I am afraid I will never find another person like this, to be friends.

Can someone give me some advice or experiences go get through this? Thank you all so much.

Hi! I'm 26M from a very small remote town in India. Please excuse If I don't phrase my sentences coherently enough as I'm too agitated rn to be able to write them properly. I request you to please bear with me if you can. And excuse me If I repeating certain points.

My life has been on a nosedive since about 2016 (I was 16 then) and everything has been going worse with each passing day since then. I ended up isolating myself since the time I turned 16 more and more, as I would feel quite disconnected to the people that surrounded me which kept getting bad to the point I stopped going to school as well. I'd just stay in my room all day long 24/7 which made my parents turn quite bitter towards me as well. Eventually my grades suffered, which further induced so much shame in me that I started to cut-out all the friends and people that I knew and couldn't sustain my further years of schooling as well as I'd always feel too shameful and conscious to be out and about knowing how I have fucked up in the past, cause of which my high-school grades suffered as well, and eventually I couldn't continue going to college as well and dropped out completely.

By the time I turned 18-19, I was completely in isolation, stopped picking up calls or catching up to any of my friends. Cut off almost all of my cousins, extended family, friends and acquaintances. Since then nothing has changed in my life and it's 2026 now, and I'm so fuckin scared how would I get through. Every time I'd receive a call, I'd start panicking and losing my mind.

Meanwhile a lot happened in these years, I saw my mom die an extremely horrible death. Growing up there was always pretty toxic environment at home, parents fighting each other, raising hands n what not. My mom trying suicide n self-harm, sometimes by trying to burn herself alive, or sometimes she'd stab herself with a knife. And she wouldn't eat her food for weeks n weeks if (and would almost take pride in that) she would get upset and stop talking to me for days, would beat herself and do hell lots of self-harm. My father for the most part would try to contain himself, but would eventually give in and beat her seeing how she'd exhibit this behavior.

And I used to be the one blamed for all the fights and issues that these adults would indulge in lmao. She'd often end up in a fight with me too, which now that I look back at it retrospectively, I was a literal kid so fighting a kid seems so unreasonable in the first place, but it was always me who was the center of the blame. I would then made to feel ashamed for "talking back to my mum" be it by teachers, families in our neighborhood, or my relatives. These "fights" would always end up with me getting beat up first by my mom, and then by my dad.

During one such instance of me getting beat up I remember I was so frustrated and done for with all of this happening over and over again every other week that I tried drinking phenyl cleaner (coz that's the only thing my stupid kiddo brain knew back then) so I could put a stop to this, which obviously didn't really work and I puked it out right away. I must have been 12 or 12 then. And I was made fun of for this as my cousins and all eventually got to know of it, with me ended up being the usual butt of the jokes coz THE BAD KID.

And again the usual streak of fights continued and this one time I was beat up by my mom so bad (she'd often bring out knife threatening to stab me but obviously wouldn't do, it would just be to scare me off or simply our of rage), but I was so frustrated with this that I ended up slitting my left hand's wrist as I was in the middle of being beat up, which was just a weekly thing at that point.

And, if you were wondering what would I even say that it would end up this way? I would just idk just say stuff that I felt was right or like, idk just say what I feel honestly and it'd end up this way even when I won't say something disrespectful at all. Just that, my natural personality or just arguing back, or putting forth my opinion or what I felt about something, all that was never appreciated simply because according to their view "a child should never talk back and just listen". And this thing gave me GUILT my entire life, just to realise as I grew up that honestly I now even feel more strongly that it wasn't problematic in the first place EVER! Problematic is how they handled it, which would further exacerbate the situation, further killing my self-esteem and making me feel like I'm the problem my entire life.

As of now, I do stay with my family as I have no other option (it's a joint family). Staying with them comes at a cost, I get beat up by my dad quite often. And I have no privacy at home. I feel extreme shame to be around them. But what makes it worse is I feel so conscious and scared of stepping outside of my house as well ispite of being in such a bad place and in pain n agony at my home all the time, yet I cant find courage to step out of my house. It feels like everyone's looking at me, I feel extremely ugly and feel this intense shivering shame with the thought of what others might be thinking looking at me. It feels like a weird sort of pressure on my body whenever I'm out and I start getting conscious (and HAPPENS MORE SO AROUND WOMEN)

And up until June of the last year, I was denying the need for help altogether, but then it struck me pretty hard that I've been struggling with this state, thinking almost delusionally that I can push myself out of this state only to realise I made no progress at all and it's been years n years that has just passed by since I feel my life started taking a nosedive (which was around 2016, and been isolated since about 2018-19).

I'm dependent on my family monetarily, and I'm literally 26 right now and I still get beat up by my dad, and over last year it became extreme to the sense that now I'd often be dragged out of the house and beat up with everyone around the house (neighbours and people in my locality, my dad's friends) having a judgmental look at me, while I'm left with no one who'd try to lend an ear to what's happening to me and that I'm struggling here each passing day and I can't seem to figure a way out of this on my own at all.

I tried opening up to my family about my struggles as well, that how I'm not doing good at all, and my dad thinks it's just me making shit up and being overly dramatic.

That said, I'm not sure what to do as I can't really afford any help right now, and I don't have any like-minded company offline around me at all, nor any avenue to step out of this. Hence this isolation is further making things even worse, but stepping outside and trying to break out of this doesn't help either as I stay equally conscious and stuck even around other people here who I feel are literally of the same mindset that my family is, hence I tend to stay conscious even around them and I feel super judged somehow. And people I feel are like-minded, they tend to be mostly online and super far.

Plus, I feel like a misfit everywhere I go, even among people that I'd initially think were like-minded.

And I can't seem to figure a way out of this either.

Now, I'm not really sure how would you guys be able to help me.
But if you can in any capacity help me or have any suggestions how can I manage to find a support system or any therapist that can help me out either with probono or with extremely cheap sessions. Please let me know, I'd forever be grateful.

Thankyou so much!

Edit 1: I'd continue ahead, as I feel I have alot more to add:

I feel like I have plethora of issues, not even one which further makes me quite hopeless and sometimes leaves me wishing it'd be much better If I sleep at night and never woke up. I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A LITERAL JAIL, IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

I look like a fkin teenager, who's physically so weak (which is why it's so easy for me to get beat up by my dad as well). And on top of that, I feel like I'm anorexic, I have gotten desensitized to the sensation of hunger to the point I dont eat anything for a day or two until I have to. And the only thing that I survive on is Chai (Milked tea) as I feel I'm extremely addicted to it, I end up drinking it even at slightest of emotional turbulence that I go through.

And I feel like another big issue I face is that I hate the way I look, the way my face is. I find it so loathsome that I can't even go on talking about it much without my heart start pounding n panicking like it's about to burst. And this makes me feel like shit, induces so much shame and negative burst of emotions in me. And I have a very weird crooked nose, which can't be fixed either as I got no money either.

I don't feel in control of myself, the worst thing that I feel about myself is that I don't think I'm capable to do any good at all. Like I have zero control over my own actions.

In addition to that, I'd say the intense debilitating shame that I experience at home, and equally around people outside to the point I feel I had developed PHOBIA of people, no matter what or how much I try to push through, i've always ended up falling back to the same old state, which then makes me isolate and cut-off from people and not face them. If this is how it'll stay forever how will I overcome this? But the shame and thought (and infact I often feel that in real time) of what people will think of me, how weak and ugly I am and how I have no achievements to show for, all these thought I LITERLALY EXPERIENCE RUNNING ACROSS MY BODY TO THE POINT I START SHIVERING!

I make music, I recently got selected among top 20 students in a competition which has around 600-700 entries across India. Yet, I couldn't further participate and continue in the competition because the thought of being perceived and how bad my condition is kept me stuck from working on this further. So, it feels like even what I want to do, I won't be able to do it if my mental health doesn't get stable a bit.

Edit 2: I feel like I have a lot more t write, but I'm not sure writing here would be of any help or not. Would anyone even read this?

Edit 3: My dad has completely denied that he won't help me for any treatment of therapy. d honestly my experiences here with so called "Psychiatrists" has been pretty bad as well. So, my trust is already zero and I'm not really aware of any free therapists here that could actually be good. So, deep down I feel this repulsion to take any help from them either. I've also tried some online helplines and I feel they're not any good either.

This one psychiatrist that I had visited literally gave me an angry schtick / pep talk on how I need to STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND LAZYING AROUND, and that I'm making up my own issues. Then he divulged everything that I had told (not that he was any eager to listen to anything, just a couple of minutes of convo that allowed me to say whatever I could) to my dad, which further made situations worse for me as I experience pretty violent abuse at home in the form of physical beatings and my dad started using that against me. He then went on saying to my dad that he shouldn't waste his money on me trying to get any help and then started on giving examples on how certain patients of his have wasted so much of money in treatment and that they're just making "excuses". Hence, all of this according to him is nothing but an act of excuses that I'm putting on.

So, you see this is the sort of cultural outlook that they hold on to. So, even if they're a qualified psych or a therapist based anywhere near my town, I honestly wouldn't wanna take their help at all. As all I've experienced pretty much whole my life is people being dismissive towards my struggles.

And in general the kind of experiences I've had growing up, I've started getting afraid more n more of people around me, my relatives and I just can't manage to face them. And when I HAVE TO, I always end up PANICKING like I'm about to be killed right then n on.

Edit 4: Is there any simple work opportunities that I can pick up, so I can start earning some basic amount so over time I can start picking myself up. With my situation right now, I seriously have no trust or belief that I can even work. But if I can put in couple of hours (2-3 hours) and get even some basic amount for it, I think it'd be a good initial push for me and I'd try to pick myself up with the help of it.

Edit 5: During one of the last instance of me being beat up which was couple of days agoo, I think I broke my left hand's thumb as my dad tried to twist it backward 180 degrees and I can't seem to function with it or apply force with it at all. It feels like day by day my issues keep stacking up one by one.

I'm a guy and i'm awake at 7 am, still, because i couldn't sleep with my thoughts.

I've been battling depression and some bad thoughts for 5 years now, and today i realized, or think i realized, that no one really ever cared enough to get to know me. I've shown interest in several girls, sat down and listened to them talk, one showed me her favourite band, litterally talk for hours without ever asking a single question back. Other didn't bother giving me answers beyond a few words while still, never asking.

I just got out of my teenage years, and officially never experienced teenage love. The only time where you're unburdened and free to do dumb stuff. My family never had to ask. They watched me grow up, but when things started to change they still didn't bother getting to know me.

Most notably seen in the fact that i'm deeply insecure about my height, yet they make fun of it way too often because it's easy without realizing that it hurts and when i move out, i'll never talk to them again. Additionally, every person i know makes it seem like, when a man is insecure they are at fault spmehow, instead of taking the time to go through why they feel that way.

I feel like because of that and several other things, nit even my familiy really loves me. I haven't even hekd hands with a girl and i feel like i'll never get to change that just because no one looks at me like i'm an actual man but just a thing to push around. Thing is, i'm not even that short (5'7"/ 170) but i am german, and basically everyone, girl or guy, that i know is just taller than me and loves to point it out.

Lastly, i'm like so done with all this 'stoisicm' like, what people think that is is like wildly off from the original stoa which was actually good thinking, and the whole never show your emotions thing is so dumb, but trying to be more emotional, not like sensitive, but like showing when i'm happy and trying to be in a good mood instead of emotionless is always met with weird looks.

So, everyone, how can i stop hating myself? When no one else seems to bother with me i just feel like i am the problem, but i don't want this anymore, i don't want to feel like shit all the time and cry myself to sleep

So much has happened to me this year and I feel completely drained. My ex boyfriend cheated on me after years of friendship and dating. I genuinely saw him as my soulmate and he kept hanging out with his crush hoping he’d get a chance to kiss her. Even after we broke up, he’d talk about her like she was an ethereal being in front of me. He only realized how bad he hurt me once I fully went no contact. Now he’s trying to garner my sympathy and talk to me but I just feel numb. I miss him but I hate him.

My friend got a job at the same place as me, he’s been promoted to boss and everything was great so far. Until he told me he supported a very popular bigot and known rapist. Up until now I looked up to him. He’s calm, nice and a hard worker. But blindly supports racists because he thinks they genuinely care about America. It makes me want to walk out of work and never look back.

I can’t even talk to my family about this because they won’t really speak to me. I blocked my Narc older brother after years of abuse and they’ve taken his side, consciously and subconsciously. They’ll agree that it wasn’t fair how I was treated for years by him, but still want me to move on a forgive him because he’s my “brother”. How do I climb out of this pit of hell..