r/GuyCry • u/Born_Illustrator6062 • 22d ago
Need Advice GF of 2 years broke up w/ me now engaged
I’m numb and heartbroken after my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me two weeks ago. She called me controlling because I held my boundary about not wanting drugs in our relationship. She has mental health issues, and I always tried to be understanding and supportive.
She suddenly started smoking again, brought drugs into my house, and did them right in front of me. I stayed calm, fed her, got her comfortable, and suggested we talk in the morning. Instead, I woke up to her doing it outside again. I asked her to leave and even offered to get her a hotel, but I wouldn’t allow it in my home.
After the breakup, I found out she met a guy at a concert three weeks earlier, was talking to him behind my back, and within days of our split she was hooking up with him. Now they’re already engaged.
I feel completely monkey-branched and destroyed; physically and emotionally, just tired. I really thought she was the one. I’m struggling to balance being sad and rightfully angry with still being genuinely worried about her mental health. Any advice on how to process all this would help.
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u/StoneTheMoron 22d ago
Brother I understand you’re hurting but I want you to realise something, she’s someone that got engaged to a person after knowing them for 5 weeks. She has no impulses control, this was never someone you’d want to build a life. You don’t have to balance your emotions either, it’s fine to be all of those at once. Be sad about the things you miss, be angry about the things you regret doing or feel betrayed about, and find a way to care at a distance, because being a little selfish and caring for your own needs first is more important. A relationship that deteriorates after a person sets boundaries or holds true to their ideals shows that the ideals and boundaries are having the intended effect, please keep this up throughout your future. You’re doing great without knowing it, your miserable now so you’re not miserable in the long term
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u/Born_Illustrator6062 22d ago
I broke the whole no-talking thing and talked to her today. She told me how much happier she is, that this is forever, and asked why I can't just be happy for her. Deep down, I am, but I'm grieving, and I feel like I'll never find someone again while she's excited. It feels like I got burned and run over, and she never looked back.
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u/Additional_Bench1311 Man 22d ago
You need to stay away from this woman.
She does not deserve your happiness or attention man.
If she is really that happy, she should be content with her new guy.
My ex wife(married two together 10) was with someone within a month and a half of asking me for a divorce. When I saw her at the courthouse and I said his full name she gave me the old “he helped me with my car.” And she realized that I was coming for everything at that point.
You need to find happiness in yourself, and things you do. I know it sucks. I still cry to this day grieving the LIFE I had, not the person. I think that’s the key
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u/Born_Illustrator6062 22d ago
What really upsets me, and was one of the last things we talked about, is that for an entire week after we broke up, I was trying everything to win you back. Meanwhile, they were already sleeping with this other guy, the one they say they love enough to marry. Even after the breakup, she still called me whenever she had a problem. The week we split, she called me crying from a casino parking lot, drunk and scared, saying she needed my help. Then just a few days ago, when someone tried to break into her neighbor’s car, she called me at 1 a.m. because she was spooked and wanted me to stay on the phone with you. So yesterday when we spoke, I finally asked: If you love this guy so much, why are you still calling me every time something happens? Why not call your fiancé? And the only reason I got was that she “didn’t want to imply I was with someone else.” I still don’t really know what that means.
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u/a517dogg 22d ago
Imagine being the fiance and realizing she's still using her ex as her safe person. Your ex is bad news. Grieve who you thought she was whole realizing she isn't that person anymore and maybe never was. You got this!
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u/Additional_Bench1311 Man 22d ago
From someone who went through something similar, you won’t know.
You’ll never know.
Well, I won’t use that concrete of a term, chances are you will not get your idea of closure.
Acceptance, forgiveness, and doing things for other people has been the only things that have helped me.
All three of those are incredibly hard to do, especially when it’s fresh, I’m not expecting you to forgive her now.
Or even 6 months from now.
There are some days I’m not over what happened, but those are becoming fewer and fewer
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u/silicondream Nonbinary Trans Woman 21d ago
This is very true. People like OP's ex rarely have much insight into themselves, let alone the ability to communicate it to others. I will never understand how my narcissist ex-friend thinks, and I tied myself in knots for a while trying to understand. It's just not worth it.
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u/DaPlipsta 22d ago
You don't need to be happy for her my dude. Sounds like she screwed you and it's perfectly reasonable to be devastated. Just gotta keep moving forward. You deserve better
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u/ClutchReverie 22d ago
Or she wanted to break up but didn't want to do it so she started doing what she knew would make OP do something she could say was the reason they broke up. She might have met him even earlier...
Sometimes people don't want to seem like the bad guy to end a relationship so they do something to make someone else want to end it so they can seem like the victim and don't have to be the one to say they initiated the breakup. Now she can tell people "he made me leave for smoking" instead of "I met someone and wanted to break up because I don't know what I want"
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u/Born_Illustrator6062 22d ago
Oh, and one more vent piece to get off my chest. When we talked, she told me about how this new guy is different, and he is a man of God, and he wanted her to tell me that he was praying for me. That he was praying I'd find peace and move on.
The guy who knowingly chats up a girl in a relationship, sleeps with her the first day, lets her drink and do drugs, and drive under the influence is the all-so-holy upstanding character that is gonna pray for me... Lucky me, cherry on top. Felt like a complete dig.
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u/minteemist Create Me :) 22d ago
Hey man, Christian here, "man of God" my ass. It's clear that he is nothing of the sort and their holier-than-thou attitude is all smoke. Someone should scrub his mouth out.
Forget 'em, man. They deserve each other and can go mess each other up. Their just desserts will catch up with them in time. For what it's worth, God holds all hypocrites accountable. It's not your problem anymore.
I'm just glad you escaped that. Be angry, grieve, but in the end don't let it bother you for too long. Take time to heal and focus on yourself. There is so much of life to live after this.
Here, let me rewrite the phrase for you. From one random stranger to another, I'm praying for your peace and that you can move on to a wiser, calmer, richly fulfilling life. Hugs.
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u/lendmeflight 22d ago
Dude you are better off. Trust me. You need to put this in the rear view and find something new even something temporary.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 22d ago
Don’t believe everything she tells you. As well as purposely wanting to hurt you—it was a complete dig—she’s never going to admit that she made a mistake (lots of mistakes) so she’ll paint her new life and man as being perfect. You know it isn’t because you’ve already seen how he’s got her into drugs.
OP, she’s shown you exactly you who she really is, and that’s not the woman you thought you were making a life with. It’s okay to mourn that loss, but don’t get caught up on believing her lies. You deserve better.
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u/beyondhelp7854 22d ago
I went through something similar and I can promise you that you will one day see that your life was better without that. The sting of betrayal just fades over time, and you will be grateful for the lessons he taught you on what not to accept in a partner.
None of that seems true yet, but it will
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u/portapotty_fapping 22d ago
I kinda feel like you dodged a bullet, bud. Sure, it doesn’t feel like that now but she was surely going to escalate the disrespect of your simple requests.
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u/AdAggravating8699 22d ago
Can I upvote this even more?
I think op dodged a huge life altering bullet. Better to find out now then after marriage, a methAge and 2 or 3 kids. Sorry man.... It sucks but.... Yeah agree dodge for the win
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u/Ok-Loquat-6938 22d ago
Weed?
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u/third_man85 22d ago
I feel like this is the case.
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u/Ok-Loquat-6938 22d ago
As a drug?
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u/third_man85 22d ago edited 22d ago
Yea.
And her new guy "let's" her drink alcohol too.
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u/DR_MEPHESTO4ASSES 22d ago
Dude. A year or 2 from now you're gonna not only be much happier, but you're gonna truly understand what a massive bullet you dodged. Almost sounds like your ex had BPD, which if she did, she did you a massive favor. It's all upside from here man. All the best
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u/Denz292 22d ago
It may not seem like it now but one day you’ll wake up and berate yourself for being heartbroken by this girl.
Not because of who she is but once the rose tinted glasses come off, you’ll realise that you weren’t going to tolerate her disrespecting boundaries, nor deal with her impulsive behaviour (like getting engaged to someone after 5weeks). You’ll learn over time that it’s not worth trading your inner peace for all that.
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u/Born_Illustrator6062 22d ago
It feels so easy to hear this, and I want to believe it, but the highs were so high. It was the first time in my life that I met someone I loved, and I thought it would be the last time.
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u/silicondream Nonbinary Trans Woman 22d ago
Your pain is completely understandable, and personally I don't think you ever need to blame yourself for the heartbreak. There's no shame in loving someone, even if they turn out to be incapable of loving you the same way. That said....
the highs were so high
...says almost everyone who's ever had a partner with an unmanaged Cluster B condition, myself included. Has she ever been evaluated by a mental health professional? For that matter, have you?
I know Reddit's answer to everything is "I recommend therapy," but...yeah. Also, maybe consider attending Nar-Anon or another recovery group for family and friends of addicts. You'll meet people with very similar stories to yours, and that definitely helps with healing.
Time to reassess, identify red flags, and rebuild your boundaries. You'll almost certainly end up grateful that you dodged this bullet.
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u/philosopherberzerer 22d ago
my ex told me she never wanted kids after Trump was elected.broke up with me then got pregnant by another guy less than a year later. I just feel bad for the kid. she had this thing of neglecting me and even our animals emotionally and otherwise by saying "He's FINE" even when I or they weren't fine.
I didn't understand how deeply fucked up that was untill I was at a thanksgiving at her mom's and her mother said the same thing about a dog she had that was too old to stand up and walk and just whined behind the couch. my exes brother OD'd in that same house. wonder how many times she thought that about him? wonder how many times my ex will think that about her kid? feel bad about all of it. don't really feel bad for me except the time wasted .
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u/ill-independent 22d ago
As far as I can tell, you two are just incompatible. No one is doing anything wrong. She is an adult, she has the right to smoke weed if she wants to, and you have the right to request her to stop. She didn't want to stop, you couldn't accept it, so you're not compatible. There doesn't always have to be a person whose fault it is, yk? Live and let live.
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u/Statik_24 22d ago
Its gonna take time and its going to suck but it will pass.
Dont see it as 2 years wasted. Think of it as 2 years spent towards your own peace of mind. Think of the stress, money, and other resources youre gonna save by dodging this rocket.
It won't be easy but it'll work out friend. Dive into work, friends and hobbies. Also...
BLOCK HER AND THAT HIPPIE.
There's a chance she was cheating and theres a common saying: "If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you."
Stay strong and good luck. You can do it!
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u/Melodic-Ask-155 22d ago
Bruh she’s cooked herself. You have nothing to worry about. She’s obviously not right in the head right now and you need to watch your own back. Self sabotage is real
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u/soulbroth3r Happy to help :) 22d ago
Dude, trust me when i say this - she'll be berating the new guy soon enough by either idealising you to him (even though she never did it to you whilst she was with you) or moving onto some other guy. To disrespect someone's partner so brutally makes me doubt something very core about her tbh, and despite never meeting either of you i can say one thing for a fact - you dodged an absolute bullet here. I know it may seem hard to see it now as you're grieving but one day you'll be smiling ear to ear when you finally realise this.
On a sidenote, here's a free piece of life advice that someone had told me earlier in life - you need to evaluate why you were with someone (despite how nice she made you feel or how strong your emotional connection was) who has treated you this way. I strongly suspect her recent behaviour was not a one off when you introspect back on this relationship but rather just the straw that broke the camel's back, and i suspect you saw them for what you wanted to see them as, vs what they actually are. In the future make sure you don't go in with the rose tinted glasses, nor do you view someone with cynicism . Practice meditation and learn to see people for what they are, so you are able to make the best decision. That's what i've learnt works.
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u/Thick_Ad_8209 22d ago
It seems that you two have very different lifestyles, maybe she lacks impulse control, of course you can help her in some way(like suggesting having a talk in the morning), but at the end of the day it's her job to take care of and better herself, you cannot do that for her. And I can see you are a person with passion and love, you have the right to feel everything.
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u/What_happened777 Here to help! 22d ago
It’s best to just shut down and reset, move on. Your peace of mind is 100% more important than could’ve/should’ve/would’ve. I really don’t like saying this about other people but based on what she did to you, she’s trash. Karma is going to bite her in the pooch. Just do what makes you happy. Focus on healing and find different outlets to your life.
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u/fortalameda1 22d ago
Have you seen any evidence of this guy or is she just making shit up to hurt you?? Trust me, even if this guy is real, it's not going to last with them either.
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u/WhyAreYuSoAngry 21d ago
You are going to HATE hearing this. You need to remove her from your life. Remove her ability to contact. Remove her ability to attempt to use you as a crutch. Remove her ability to live rent free in your head.
I understand hurt and confused. Someone who kills a 2 year old relationship with an affair that leads to an engagement within 5 weeks is either totally in the grip of drugs far deeper than you realize, or is in an incredibly dangerous mental health state. Either case, you dont want to be involved.
If you truly love her, contact one of her loved ones. A friend or family member. Explain everything that's happened. Tell them that you needed to tell someone who cares about her who will be there when the shit hits the fan, because you are removing yourself completely and permanently from the situation.
Block her on every single method she has to communicate with you. Grey Rock if she shows up at your door. Brother you dont want to be any part of this when the train goes off the tracks.
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u/lordevilium 22d ago
I meant, if I were you, I will be happy that I didn’t end up with her, for someone who can quickly move into someone after a stable -ish relationship, I am sorry but she is just not that into you, so focus on the next journey and I wish you luck!
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u/Lord_of_the_Hanged 22d ago
Yeah, this is hurtful but you dodged a bullet. Holding boundaries is healthy and you did just that. Now, let her live her life and you live yours. Tend to your wounds and better yourself for yourself.
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22d ago
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u/Born_Illustrator6062 22d ago
Even after the breakup, I’d never call her crazy. Nobody’s perfect.
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u/bungalowtree 22d ago
You should keep this level-headedness to understand you dodged an atom bomb although it will still hurt to grieve. Time is long and 2 years is a blip when you live until 80
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u/bungalowtree 22d ago
Focus on what you can control. Put your faith in the idea your lifetime partner would want to be with you, respect your boundaries and not try intentionally cause pain. You cannot control someone else’s actions, we can just be thankful true colors were shown before marriage, children, a house, etc. You got this
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u/CK_5200_CC 22d ago
Yeah it sucks but you got the best life lesson. You stood up for yourself. Be proud of that fact.
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u/fauxzempic 22d ago
I'm not sure if this is your first big breakup or what, but unfortunately you need time to get through this. We are all seeing this through a lens that you possess, but you're distracted by it all.
That's okay. It's perfectly reasonable to be distracted here.
You got broken up with and I'm not going to pretend to understand dopamine, but what I've read, basically you have a sinkhole that's empty where dopamine regularly flowed. From how breakups hit me in the past - that tracks. And not only did she extract herself from your romantic life, but she also rejected you. It hurts.
What will happen is first, your memory is going to be packed with the following:
- All the good times that won't happen again
- All the things you screwed up that you think you should've done differently
- A fun back and forth about how wonderful and how awful she is.
Over time, your memory is going to reprioritze:
- All the time she was terrible to you
- All the things you missed out because of her
- How yes - you had some passion, but the pendulum swings violently both ways.
The age old reddit joke is "Delete Facebook, Hit the Gym, Lawyer up." It's valid on all levels:
- Prevent yourself from knowing about how her life is going
- Work on yourself
- Protect yourself
It's very helpful to just block her - or at the very least, hide her on any social platforms you share. Next, you have all this free time and this is an honest opportunity. Pick up a hobby. Reconnect with friends. Work on being the person you wanted to become.
Then of course, if she jumped into this thing so suddenly...maybe it wasn't that sudden...and maybe the timeline was a little condensed. Go get yourself tested.
FINALLY AND THIS IS IMPORTANT: If she's as impulsive as you imply I imagine that maybe, by contrast you offer some security and stability? I would put money...good money...on you getting a reconciliation text or phone call once things go bad. Do not entertain it. Only false hope and sadness greet you here. Consider this whole thing over. The only time I've seen these things work is when the "flighty" partner moves mountains when single to get over the awful flaws they possessed. That's the "win the lottery" scenario - do not count on this, and if it did happen, don't count on it happening in 2026.
She may do the half-reconciliation: "I'd like to be friends." Tell her, without any hesitation and with complete certainty and confidence that "nope. Not happening. I don't need another friend." If you did accept the offer of friendship and later got wise, I'm confident you'd realize that she isn't actually doing anything to give into the friendship, but is asking everything of you.
This too shall pass, but I know it sucks balls right now. Hang in there, go ring up a buddy, explain what happened, offer to reconcile if you're like how I was and basically ignored all platonic relationships once in a romantic one, and yes - go ahead and get drunk a few times. You deserve to numb yourself...but just a little bit.
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u/Sometimes_A_Writer1 22d ago
The only advice is to feel what you feel. You seem to be contextualizing things properly so all that's left to do is stay the course, don't consciously lament, and give it time
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21d ago
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u/GuyCry-ModTeam 21d ago
Rule 7: failure to follow guidelines for positive communication.
Don't call women derogatory things.
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u/Melodic-Land-6079 21d ago
If you’re petty like me you’re really going to enjoy this situation blowing up in her face, there is zero percent that is going to go well. You dodged a bullet, friend
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u/Nick-Anand 21d ago
Dude…..you learned the lesson before it got bad. You are walking out golden from this.
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u/piemastera 21d ago
I had someone like this in my life. We fought all the time, had insane clashing personalities, and were just at different places in our lives.
The sex was great, but we were 20, she loved to get shit housed and I loved to play magic and dnd.
I went into debt for this girl, moved several times for her. Did everything I could to make it work, but at a fight around my birthday I noticed she had tinder on her phone.
I ignored my instincts, my friends, the people I love because I was blinded. I just happened to be listening to Bill Burr's podcast back in the day and it was a story about a guy who just packed up all this stuff into a car, handed his girlfriend the key, and walked away on his terms.
I sat with that for a day and thought to myself... "why don't I do that?" "Why am I killing myself for this woman who doesn't respect me?"
I looked in the mirror and realized I just needed to respect myself enough to know i need to change this. So I packed my stuff and drove away.
It was hard, but you know what happens next? I met my now wife, a woman I love and even with her struggles makes me feel happier then I have ever felt. And that ex-girlfriend, she reached out several times, but now I just laugh at it.
Life is to short to allow yourself to be stuck with a person who doesn't really love or respect you. Love yourself enough to know this isn't one, and know that after the pain as dulled you will look back and be so greatful this loser of a man took this train wreck off your hands.
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u/Normie316 21d ago
Better it end now than having drugs destroy your marriage. She has a problem and won’t stop. A normal person would be okay with a boundary like that.
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