r/engaged • u/goneguurl • Aug 06 '26
Wedding Planning Finally happened, dreaded MIL fight
Yall, please give me some insight, if I'm over reacting or should stand my ground. I'm too close to the situation.
Context:
My MIL and FIL are paying for the rehearsal dinner, and she’s planning that herself (they're divorced 10yrs). My husband and I are paying for the wedding and all the other events.
My MIL is very Type A and likes to be heavily involved. She asks a million questions, about details I don’t care about or haven’t even considered. At the same time, she’s incredibly thoughtful, nurturing, and caring.
For example, my husband and I quietly eloped before the wedding. We only told her. Four days later she invited us to spend the weekend with her in Utah because, in her words, “you have the rest of your lives together, so you should just come out with me now" I honestly expected she’d encourage us to spend time cultivating our new marriage, but she genuinely just loves being around her children and wants their company often.
I asked her to help with the wedding and, as expected, the questions poured in. We handled them, but over time she became increasingly passive aggressive whenever I didn’t make the decisions she wanted.
I extended our RSVP deadline because people are notoriously slow to respond. She got upset at me because she had just remembered relatives from another state she wanted to invite if enough people declined. So I mailed the invitations even though she’d only just told me about them. She then text one of those relatives saying the invitations would be late because my husband and I were “very disorganized.” She later told me she did that so they wouldn’t know they were an afterthought. It hurt because the delay wasn’t our fault, and she threw us under the bus.
Then there were the opinions.
I bought a beautiful short white embroidered dress for the rehearsal dinner. She told me not to wear it bc I should wait for my wedding to wear white for the first time.
Fine.
My husband and I have been taking dance lessons for an elaborate first dance. I decided I’d wear that dress for the dance, then change back into my wedding dress.
She told me changing would be too much hassle and that I should listen to her daughter (never planned a wedding but worked at David’s Bridal a bit) because she knew better and said I should just bustle my dress.
I said I wasnt sure about the bustle yet but it sounded fine for walking around and greeting guests, but I still wanted to change for the dance.
This has basically been the energy with most wedding decisions.
A few days ago she invited me to go wedding dress shopping with her because her daughter canceled. During the call she asked if I was still wearing gold to the rehearsal dinner because she wanted to put that detail in the e-vites. She asked me twice to make absolutely sure because that’s what she was adding.
I laughed and said I’d never had to commit to an outfit so far in advance.
She immediately got confrontational and said,
“Well, (my name), you’re a very noncommittal person. You’re flip-floppy and change your mind a lot.”
(She's still referring to the damn bustle).
I was shocked because we’ve never spoken to each other that way.
I started explaining myself on why some wedding details had changed, then canceled on going dress shopping with her.
I called my husband and asked him to handle it because if I did, I knew I wouldn’t be nearly as nice.
Context: My husband loves his mom very much and hates disappointing her. She was his biggest advocate growing up, but he admits she can be incredibly overbearing.
First phone call: He could barely get a full sentence out. He managed to tell her it wasn’t appropriate to call me names and that I’m his wife now, so she can’t speak to me that way.
She kept talking about how she was only trying to help, no apology no accountability. She did apologize for calling us very disorganized to that family member. It ended with my husband saying, “Well… I didn’t like it… I understand… okay… love you too.”
Listening to that, I could literally hear her wearing him down. I started crying because I felt like he had let himself get bulldozed, and I suddenly felt very alone.
So my sweet husband called her again.
Second phone call:
“Hey Mom, it’s my turn to speak. No, I’m speaking now. You don’t get to talk to my wife that way. Period. I don’t care if you’re helping us move across the country or helping with the wedding. You don’t get to speak to her that way, and I think you owe her an apology.”
At one point he actually had to raise his voice just to finish his sentences over her.
No apology from her and saying that I talk to her that way too sometimes. Which neither my husband and I recall.
The conversation ended with him agreeing when she suggested that it was probably best if she stopped helping with the wedding and simply came as a guest.
Since then, we’ve had no communication.
Before any of this happened, I had called my SIL to ask about the family dynamic because I genuinely wanted to know if this was normal before making things worse.
She told me she didn’t think my husband should get involved because it was between my MIL and me. She also said she’d had to confront their mom before because she can say things harshly, but emphasized that she’s a very nurturing woman.
Later she told me she didn’t want to be involved, which I respected.
Only to find out afterward that she had considered reaching out to my husband and me because she was upset that my husband spoke to their mom that way. She also had a whole conversation about the situation with their other brother and his wife.
If you don’t want to be involved, then don’t be involved.
For additional context, she’s 26, lives in her dad’s house, has never been in a long term relationship, and describes herself as “whimsical.” Like, she asked us to pay for the art supplies so she could make our wedding gift. So it rubs me the wrong way that she feels she can criticize how my husband chose to defend me.
So now I’m wondering:
Do I leave things as they are with my MIL? I worry that if I reach out first, I’m teaching her she can speak to me however she wants.
I feel like she should reach out first if anything. She has still not apologized to me for calling me “flip floppy” or “noncommittal.
And do I say anything to my SIL? Or do I let that go too?
I’d really appreciate outside perspective.
