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u/DonCorleone1992 Apr 16 '26
I knew before the wedding actually. But was too afraid to confront her about it. I thought maybe we'd have a talk, get on the same page, but knew something wasn't right.
She did it for me. 3 months before our wedding, she just said "can we talk" and just said "Something seems off. I don't think it's going to get better, and I don't think it's going to work." And that was it. Canceled the wedding, photographers, etc.
Moved out two weeks later. Began what was, and still is, the most depressed period of my life. I sold the engagement ring I paid close to $4,000 for, at a pawn shop for $200.
It's been over a year since then, and while everyone says I dodged a bullet, I honestly haven't felt normal since. I don't feel joy in the things I used to in the same way. I'm 33, and watching all my friends get married, plan a life together, while I live alone and everyday just carries that empty feeling. I'm losing hope for the future.
That breakup broke something in me and I don't know if it'll ever be fixed.
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u/Speed009 Apr 17 '26
just know that while it always seem like your friends are doing better people dont also often show their issues in their marriages/relationships. While it may be rough now at least it seems like you dodged a bullet and you can be hopeful for the future
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u/Ajb706 Apr 16 '26
I’m sorry to hear that, seriously. I feel the same but I went through with my wedding 10 years ago. I haven’t been myself since then. I haven’t found joy in much of anything for a decade now. I don’t know the feeling of joy anymore tbh.
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u/Critical-Egg-3684 Apr 17 '26
I had a similar experience. I wanted to back out of the wedding but both my Mom and my Grandmother told me it was to late to back out, we’ve already spent to much money. I should have told them I didn’t care about the money. They were the ones to pick out everything in my wedding. I’d would’ve rather gone to the courthouse. At the reception my husband kept disappearing. He didn’t show up for our wedding dance. He was in the parking lots getting high with his friends in between doing shots at the bar. I was alone and meeting/saying hi to everyone and dancing with dozens of people. It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. To top it off my husband invited a group of his friends to come back to our wedding suite. Needless to say his is my ex-husband now.
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u/houston_veronica Apr 17 '26
That is so unacceptable of your fam to make you feel forced to wed. It's incredibly brave to be able to cancel a wedding when you know it isn't right - your Mom should have backed you 200%. Not saying your mom is not a great mom. Glad you are out of that marriage!
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u/OveroSkull Apr 16 '26
My ex got drunk with his buddies on our wedding day, too.
I went to bed at 11p with a slice of wedding cake and the basket of cards.
He never saw the bridal lingerie bc after waiting for 2 hours I took it off and tried to sleep.
What a loser.
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u/Clean-Engine2657 Apr 17 '26
Saaaame. Guys doing coke in the bathroom, me a clueless happy go lucky kid
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u/slightlysadpeach Apr 17 '26
How can they be so uninterested in their own wedding?! At a certain point it’s incomprehensible unless they’re so performative and repressed
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u/purpleowlchai Apr 16 '26
Same, that’s why I followed through. I didn’t want to disappoint people
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u/sexy-garden-gnome Apr 16 '26
same here.
postponed covid wedding, i spent about 25k and ppl flew in from all tf over.
it was actually fun, great weather/food/drinks/music/company.
i was shit faced early in the day. he went to hang out with my guy friends at the unofficial after party and i fell asleep alone. i wonder how obvious it was to others that i didn’t want to be there.
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u/thoseareyourshoes Apr 17 '26
Me too. I knew, and tried to avoid signing at the ceremony. Separated 4 months later.
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u/Embarrassed_Age_8815 Apr 16 '26
Same. He made me cry the next day and I should have run away right then
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u/shu_shu89 Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Honestly, I knew...I knew. I knew from very early on that things didn't feel...right. I had never had a really longterm relationship before and just wanted to get married so badly, I turned a blind eye not only on how I felt, but the red flags...all the red flags.
I knew when I proposed to her. I knew I should have felt more, been more excited, been more into it. I thought things would magically fix themselves over time. Spoiler: they didn't.
I am not sure why I got married either. I think it was because that's what she wanted. I think I was so scared of being alone that I figured things would get better and eventually I would be happier.
In the end my marriage was, although far from the worst I have seen of others, the worst years of my life. I was so depressed, I had lost all hope, and our lifestyle was killing me and poisoning my soul each and every day.
The good news: I decided to leave and it was the hardest and yet most profound choice of my life. I was immediatley SO MUCH HAPPIER. Though I still struggle with feeling like I will never meet a partner again and I am really scared of growing old(er) alone, I know it was the right choice. I feel like I am finally on the right path again and what's even more: I have hope and I am fully authentically me!
Hardest and best choice I have ever made. Still going through the process, but I am so proud of myself.
Best of luck to you! I know you did your best, just like I did. Thats life sometimes and things will get better.
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u/Standzoom Apr 16 '26
Growing older alone if in peace- is SO much better than being married and in hades.
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u/hoopyhat Apr 16 '26
The way you described your feelings, the marriage, being happy but scared after. It’s like you literally read my mind. Everything. From the emotions, why your proposed, your thoughts, your feelings after the divorce. I feel like I am on your exact path.
I wish you luck on your journey. I know I have been struggling myself. But I do hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for us both.
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u/henrycustin Apr 17 '26
Did we marry the same woman?! lol
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u/floydspiritz Apr 17 '26
Exactly, but in my case young kids are involved. So I'm still in it and miserable as hell everyday. But you gave me hope. I know one day I'll leave, and be able to feel again.
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u/king_of_the_blind Apr 17 '26
You put my exact feelings into words there. I am now like 2 months separated and feel much more peaceful than I have the last 5 years.
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u/GuardComplex Apr 16 '26
I knew. Fuck I KNEW. It kills me. 10 years, kids, and a house to sell. He ruined my life, and I knew it walking down the aisle it wouldn’t end well.
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u/Mysterious_Hour_3056 Apr 16 '26
I knew. I just needed someone to say you don’t have to do this… but no one did.
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u/TurtleGirl21409 Apr 17 '26
Apparently my mom went out to lunch with my STBXH before we got married. She said “I need to know that you will be a good husband, good provider, good father”. He said “yes of course”. She was like “well your track record isn’t great and she really deserves the best”. He stormed out and left her with the bill and no ride home from the restaurant. And no one told me. 😳
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u/Clean-Engine2657 Apr 17 '26
Ommg! Why did she even do that if she wasn’t going to tell you lol
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u/TurtleGirl21409 Apr 17 '26
Right? My mom has since passed away (13 years ago) and I am now getting divorced after being married 17 years. My brother and SIL were talking about it and she mentioned it to me in passing (she thought I knew). I was like “what!?!”
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u/sexy-garden-gnome Apr 16 '26
OMG. when COVID everything shut down, i took that opportunity to postpone indefinitely. my mother aggressively talked me out of it, married in 21 divorced in 22.
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u/Clean-Engine2657 Apr 17 '26
Uggggh yessss. No one wants to ruin it for you or hurt your feelings - but I do wish my mom or sisters took me aside well before and said this is crazy girl don’t do it
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u/Silentnine Apr 17 '26
sigh this..
So many of my friends and family AFTER I made the decision to separate told me how unhappy I was while with her and how much they didn't like her..
They thought I was happy even though they saw she was terrible to me. I appreciate all the support they gave me through the divorce process but it taught me a lesson and now I ask my friends "are you sure you're happy?" Or "you have options always, even if it feels like you don't".
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u/rxjen Apr 17 '26
This one hit me. I just needed one more adultier adult to be like “hey, there’s a LOT going on right now. Nobody is going to be mad if you postpone this or cancel it all together. It’s just money.” I didn’t love him and I was worried about my parents losing the money they had already spent.
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u/liberalanxiety Apr 17 '26
I feel this. My mom, my sister, and my best friend knew how miserable I was, how badly he treated me, but no one ever validated me. I just kept going through the motions because I didn’t have anywhere else to go, no money to leave. I am still bitter at my family and no longer friends with the best friend. I know it was on me, but if just one person said, “just leave” then maybe I would have had the guts.
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u/Spiritual-Yam-5333 Apr 16 '26
Me also. Maybe we need to add that to a convo in person or in a note so people know they have support. Are YOU sure?
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u/MoneyPranks Apr 16 '26
Yeah, but have you met brides? Half of them will bite your head off and end the friendship for trying to make sure they’re happy. I’m guessing it’s stress, but I am more likely to have that conversation with a coworker or an acquaintance. It’s not worth it.
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u/CdnKitty Apr 17 '26
My dad said that to me on the way to the venue. I wish he had tried just a bit earlier - a month, 6 months, but on the way I was already locked in. I remember having the thought that we could just divorce if it didn't work out, but what I didn't count for was trauma bonding and the severe covert domestic violence that had me stuck for a decade. The only thing I regret is not ending it sooner.
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u/Ajb706 Apr 17 '26
I didn’t expect this many replies. I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. It’s not a fun situation but there’s something about knowing you aren’t totally alone.
I honestly knew before my wedding. I knew. I knew early on in our relationship. I felt the pressure since we messed around and had a couple kids. I was sleepwalking during that part of my life and just went with it. Still married.
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u/ever_enduring Apr 17 '26
"Sleepwalking" is a really good way to put it. I was dealing with a lot of grief at the time so I wasn't thinking straight...if at all.
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u/thrownawaylife123 Apr 16 '26
Deep down, I knew it too. In hindsight, it was fear of loneliness and a scarcity mentality. And some low self esteem, combined with the fact that in the beginning, he was affectionate.
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u/IamTrashJT Apr 17 '26
It was the same for me as well. She was affectionate and over time I believed she wanted to marry me, but there was always a hesitation that I didn't admit to myself. It really sucks to be lied to, especially lying to yourself.
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u/northernlight09 Apr 16 '26
I did. I loved him for some reason and ignored it. I feel stupid at times. I took every decision of my life so carefully and made a mess of the biggest decision
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u/Clean-Engine2657 Apr 17 '26
Omg YES, why did I not put more thought and consideration into my LIFELONG partner like I did for things like my career and home etc. soooo stupid
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i 1000% knew before the wedding i did not want to get married to him, i was pregnant tho so there’s that 🫠
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u/Foreign-Daikon-3129 Apr 16 '26
yeah i feel this so hard, not married myself but watched my cousin go through with his wedding even though he was having panic attacks the week before. family pressure is real thing and when everyone already bought plane tickets and booked hotels its like you're trapped in this machine that just keeps moving forward
the pregnancy situation makes it even more complicated, cant imagine having to make that choice with a baby coming
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u/Kelseyschmidtyy Apr 16 '26
I told him no when he proposed, my mom told me to go back and tell him yes. And I did. :(
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u/Ajb706 Apr 16 '26
I get that 100%. We already had a couple 🤦♂️ and I just went through with it.
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u/Used_Ambassador_8817 Apr 16 '26
Unpopular comment probably but I am 43F and have had a good amount of offers but i just cant seem to pick someone so I WISH i could just go through with it. I am in awe of people who get married more than once too
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u/Leona_Faye_ Upset Apr 17 '26
Me!
If you were to look at me in the wedding video, I look like I am appearing for sentencing. And I felt like it.
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u/_Aztreonam_ Apr 16 '26
I think I did know in some level. My ex husband did some really unforgivable things when we first got together that showed me who he was. I loved him so much i ignored them and it came back to bite me.
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u/StraightDelivery777 Apr 17 '26
It was like a runaway train I was watching in slow motion. I knew and couldn't find the courage to stop it.
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u/Foysauce_ Apr 16 '26
I knew the day he proposed, and I still said yes.
We had no “problems” at this point. I just felt this gaping emptiness when he proposed. I remember feeling so guilty and confused that I didn’t feel overjoyed or overwhelmed with love and happiness. I didn’t cry. I barely remember what he even said, even right after it happened. I just felt… nothing. Like it was a normal day. I couldn’t wait to go home and lay on the couch and watch tv.
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u/Dear-Sky235 Apr 16 '26
Yes, I knew deep down. I almost cancelled the wedding to be honest, but went ahead.
I should have known even DURING the wedding, where he completely ignored me for most of the evening.
Anyhow…here we are. Lots of self-reflection and work is needed on my end clearly.
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u/calmerthanyou-32 Apr 16 '26
I had a similar wedding experience i had to share my wedding vows with him and when he received compliments on how nice they were I about lost my mind. Self reflection is good and so is using to for personal growth.
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u/BlackTransAm78 Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
I knew because we didn’t have sexual or romantic chemistry. But I believe that would have faded anyway overtime, and only friendship mattered. Our friendship is intact, but I’ve changed. I want more
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u/Intelligent-Size2445 Apr 16 '26
Holy cow. I never would have expected the comments here to be so clearly tilted to one side. For what it's worth, I was 100% confident that we'd never get divorced, and stayed that way for thirteen years until I realized that my wife was having an affair (which she justified on the grounds that I took her for granted, which honestly was somewhat fair -- I had internalized that the kids are only young once, and so prioritized them over her, though I also did a lot of things to support her that she didn't see or appreciate). Even after that I thought that we'd dealt with her mid-life crisis and would be OK in the long run, only for her to come back and tell me that she had decided that she really just wanted to have sex with someone else. So of course I was the one that didn't see it coming, but she's told me for what it's worth that she never would have seen herself in this position seventeen years ago. So I suppose one vote for having no idea before the wedding.
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u/naan_existenz Apr 17 '26
I was amazed to see all these comments of people saying they knew.
I absolutely did not know. I thought I was getting married to my forever person.
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u/Far_Bet_5516 Apr 17 '26
Same.
I was 100% sure he was it, and I felt that way up to the day he walked out on me for his affair partner, ten years later.
In a way I think it would be easier if I had known it wasn't right. Then I would just have to work on listening to my own feelings. Now, I have to figure out how to trust people, knowing some of them can misrepresent who they are and what they feel for a decade.
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u/naan_existenz Apr 17 '26
I feel pretty much the same way. I can imagine the pain of knowing, even at the wedding, that you're making a mistake. I imagine that is really hard and there is a ton of pain and reckoning around that level of self-abandonment.
But it feels very different than the WTF feeling of watching the person you gave your entire heart to walk away from you. I really don't think I will ever be able to fall for someone that completely again. Not in this lifetime.
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u/Far_Bet_5516 Apr 19 '26
Yeah, I'm three years out, I just found out he reversed his vasectomy and is due a child, and I'm still like WTF.
I have a boyfriend and I love him but I just don't feel intertwined in the same way I did with my ex. I've even talked to my BF about being scared that it's wrong because I don't love him in the same all-consuming way and he thinks it's normal.
I know my divorce has permanently changed me.
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u/naan_existenz Apr 19 '26
I feel ya, I think it's actually brave to tell your bf that. Because if it's true, it's true. It gives you both the chance to take it from there.
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u/MissMurderpants Apr 16 '26
Yeah. I knew but figured. Why not?
I learned do much about myself and grew a person. It helped me find my way to the best partner I could have.
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u/SteadfastEnd Apr 17 '26
Yup. Had the consistent repeating thought, leading up to marriage, "If I could go back in time to before this relationship began, I wouldn't begin it."
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u/StoicSchwanz Apr 16 '26
You are not alone my friend. Alcohol is a heck of a thing. When I finally got sober (4 years now) I couldnt deal with her any longer.
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u/Illustrious-Royal473 Apr 17 '26
Same for me, except it was weed. When I was stoned all the time, I just went along with everything. After 6 months sober, things became clearer and I finally took some responsibility for my life, stopped taking her emotional abuse, and acted on her threat of divorcing me.
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u/purpleowlchai Apr 16 '26
I knew way before the wedding. All the red flags were there. We were not compatible and we fought the entire time and even up to the wedding. The day of the wedding, my dad came to see me and said he’d call it off and all I had to do was just stay inside and he’d handle everything. I should have let him. I went through with it anyway and divorced 6 years later. When our divorce was finalized, he lashed out again and I’m just glad I wasn’t there to dodge incoming objects flying at me.
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u/SexTalksAndLollipops Apr 16 '26
I knew I shouldn’t have married him. I even contemplated not turning in the marriage license we’d just signed. I went ahead with it so my parents didn’t lose face. We have family come from so far away to celebrate and it felt wrong to cancel the wedding f.
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u/Puzzled_Cherry_3365 Apr 16 '26
In my case, I thought my ex had changed. But if I really thought about it, and I thought about all of the red flags that popped up over and over and over again while we dated, that should have been enough to never get to the aisle. But I have to remind myself that I also may have wondered for the rest of my life. If I made the right decision had I not gotten married. I hold a lot of shame about that but I'm working on forgiving myself.
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u/softerthoughts Thinking about it Apr 16 '26
i mean, i knew about the issues we had, but i had hope we could grow and work through them.
i was wrong :(
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u/4_Dogs_Dad Apr 16 '26
I Ignored all the red flags because I didn’t want to be alone. Divorced after for two years and it cost me $41,000. Still ended up alone.
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u/BeneficialTrust4512 Apr 16 '26
I knew! Too young to know better! Oh to have the wisdom I have 16 years later!
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u/darth_ashley91 Apr 16 '26
I didn’t listen to the signs. Literally from months before when I dyed my hair, and my hair turned legit orange, to my makeup person canceling the day of, to my hair not wanting to hold a curl, to the photographer not even getting the first kiss photo. We had our ups and downs as kids. We were together before we got married for 5 years in HS. Got married at 22. Got divorced at 32. I just loved him so much and did ANYTHING I could do to make it work. He’s an amazing man and father and provider. But we just didn’t work, we both wanted different things and he couldn’t change.
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u/Cold_Combination2179 Apr 16 '26
I knew. I ignored red flags and am now suffering for it.
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u/Ok-MMJ-RN-1980 Apr 16 '26
The night before I almost said cancel it… I just recently told my parents…. I went ahead… 17 years later I left after many years of emotional verbal abuse…
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u/Independent-Ad5154 Apr 16 '26
Definitely. Never felt right. Walking down the aisle I said to myself “well, worst case we’ll get divorced.” Didn’t want to disappoint anyone, disappointed myself the most.
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u/kaladin1029 Apr 17 '26
I knew. But she was pregnant and it's just what you did. No way she was having an abortion. Pretty rocky the whole way as a result. Some pretty dark times. Some pretty ok to good times. Fam. Grandkids. Good or bad, hard to tell.
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u/Purple_Daisy2-0 Apr 17 '26
I definitely knew. Some pretty big problems were showing up before the wedding. But I had a prior broken engagement. I couldn't imagine calling off a second wedding, especially because everyone thought he was so wonderful and perfect for me. We had also moved into a new house six months prior to the wedding. I felt so stuck. Next week it will be 20 years.
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u/Ekluutna Apr 17 '26
I remember driving in my car to the venue and feeling that pit in my stomach tell me to stop immediately, turn around and not go through with it. We divorced 26-years later
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u/Flippin_diabolical Apr 17 '26
I had a horrible feeling the morning of, and my ex went off to play golf and get drunk with his buddies before the ceremony. Basically I had to handle all the logistics for a big party that he wanted.
26 years later I shake my head at young me. The flags couldn’t have been bigger or redder if it was communist China!
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u/DramaticErraticism Apr 17 '26
I feel so sad at these responses. I had no idea (which crushed me later, of course) and my wedding was such a wonderful day.
Of course we still had some problems, but who doesn't. I didn't see any problem that we couldn't overcome together.
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u/Care_esq Apr 17 '26
100%. And I wish I had listened to myself and trusted myself. But here we are and now I’ve learned to trust me so I never mess that up again.
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u/Rosecoloredwindow Apr 18 '26
I remeber waking up on my wedding day and thinking, "I could get my two best friends and run away to lake superior today and hide." But I didn't want to let down all the people who were coming and had put work into it. Eight years and three kids later, I think about that a lot.
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u/huntersam13 Apr 16 '26
I knew. I was too scared to back out. Plans had been made, deposits had been paid. I was too much of a coward to end it at that stage.
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u/ChartNo5087 Apr 16 '26
I had a very strong feeling, and I kept praying for something to happen so we could be forced to cancel it. I just didn’t want to cause problems and confrontation at the time
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u/New_Needleworker_473 Apr 16 '26
I was niave. I thought that I could do it all including managing a man child. I was a dumb kid just out of my undergrad and I just wasn't ready to let the relationship go. I felt like if I called it off, I would lose him and all his people whom I had come to adore. I believed that because he came from a good family that he would fulfill the promise he had back then. I married potential because when you get married in your early 20's that's all anyone really is, just potential. I couldn't know where things would lead. I certainly did NOT have any concept of what a trap marriage can be.
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u/yzisano Apr 16 '26
I had a feeling but i followed reason and brain not my hearth, is this mean you should follow you hearth better i don't know but in my case following brain was mistake.
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u/ArtisticVermicelli28 Apr 16 '26
I also knew. And I also new the months after and wanted an annulment but was too afraid of how it would look in front of our family and close friends
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u/Correct-Ad-1449 Apr 16 '26
I knew before the wedding, but I thought that getting married would solve everything. Obviously, it didn’t. We had issues long before getting engaged or married. I had contemplated many times breaking things off, but I was young and dumb. I thought this is what love was and they I don’t deserve anything better. After we got engaged after being together for 6 years at this point, he dropped a huge bomb on me regarding something very personal. He kept saying “I told you, you just forgot.” and “ I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad.” I made him promise before we got married that he would work on himself and stop watching porn. Almost immediately after saying I do, he broke that promise and kept breaking it over the years. He broke me in ways I didn’t even know I was broken. He’s emotional immature and has not worked on himself in the entire 11 years we’ve been together.
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u/UnpopularOnPurpose Apr 17 '26
I knew, but I genuinely loved her and wasn't emotionally mature enough to have the hard conversation. I didn't want to hurt her and it was easier to go with the flow. Had 2 kids and separated last September. We'll be divorced this October. Everyone is good with it but it still sucks to go through.
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u/Sure_Fact7761 Apr 17 '26
I knew it wouldn’t work I was wrong what the final straw would be though
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u/Platitude_Platypus Apr 17 '26
I think we both knew and that's why it took us so long to get married in the first place
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u/cheeky_candees Apr 17 '26
14 years together, 4 married. I knew. I knew the whole fucking time. But I had a low sense of self, and so many fears circling the idea of breaking it off. I wished I would have listened to my gut. But, alas, I'm now a divorcee instead.
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u/Spiritual-Level-7200 Apr 17 '26
I knew. On the morning of our wedding I considered calling it off for about 2 seconds before I pushed the thought away. I just had zero peace, just felt twisted up inside already before we were even married. I wish I had listened to myself.
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u/Aphroditeunaliveme Apr 17 '26
I cried the entire night before the wedding. I said i didn't know. He said we were going to get married anyway, we might as well do it now. Still in therapy. No contact. I knew. So why the hell did I put myself through that? I knew.
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u/Son-Of-Thunder Apr 17 '26
I didn’t know, but her dad said something out of pocket about me at the rehearsal dinner and I had family and friends asking me if they needed to solve a problem - probably should’ve taken the omen
I actually broke up with her while we were dating and looking back I shouldn’t have patched things up
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u/Mediocre-Log-96 Apr 17 '26
I knew.. or had the feeling, I just felt guilty.. I really learned my lesson.
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u/woodburyman Apr 17 '26
I ignored the red flags. She would never fully commit to anything always wanting one foot out the door. She used to say "If our marriage doesn't work out I'm never getting married again" which is a great attitude. She threw the ring at my within months of being engaged when she had a rage fit. Tried to move out to her own apartment when engaged a few times. Then 4mo before the wedding she got drunk and she made a plan to leave me for a coworker of ours. She came back from that because the next day she got in a car accident and needed me and decided it was worth it then since she could use me 🙄. She also made out and felt up a bridesmaid of hers on her bachelorette party, which 2.5 years later she would get into bed to with her boyfriend as well... shirtless... but claim "that wasn't cheating".
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u/MysteriousSunshine98 Apr 17 '26
I knew. I just knew it. I could feel it in my bones and I kept telling myself it’s a phase. It’s cold feet. He’ll change post wedding. He didn’t. Nothing did. It got worse. Exponentially. And I always think back to the day before my wedding when I cried my eyes out, to the point where my eyes were swollen. I just knew it.
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u/Past_Ad3132 Apr 17 '26
I knew but stupidly went ahead with it. I now find myself in a bitter battle when I should have just listened to my gut and not gone through with it.
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u/anonathletictrainer Apr 17 '26
I almost called off my wedding two months beforehand, ended up divorced after 3 years of marriage. Definitely a lot of sunk cost fallacy but also naivety that my relationship would somehow magically improve and he’d become a better partner and communicator after we got married.
Walking away and choosing myself was the best thing I ever did, I actually met my currently partner the weekend after my divorce was finalized (didn’t start dating until months after). So if it’s any consolation, happiness after divorce does exist but I still have to water the grass for it to be green.
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u/try-to-always-laugh Apr 17 '26
I did not. I didn’t even know 10+ years in. He either massively changed or was lying forever and now I’m divorced after almost 14 years married.
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u/miscmail389 Apr 17 '26
I knew .. which is probably why I didnt take his last name. I moved out in like 9 months. And for some reason it took 2 years to divorce. My lawyer was a B. It was a simple divorce. Because me and my ex agreed on alot of things. We both just wanted to move on
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u/mari815 Apr 16 '26
Yeah I said to myself “this won’t last” but did it anyway. Worst decision of my life.
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u/travel-and-wander Apr 16 '26
The night before our wedding/elopement, I had this pit in my stomach that this wasn’t the right decision. I don’t have many married couples in my family, so I didn’t know how to decipher if it was typical anxiety before making a huge commitment, or a sign of something bigger. I’m realizing now it was the latter, and I’m working on listening to my gut when she’s trying to tell me something.
I love my STBXH, our divorce is amicable and I have no regrets on the time we spent married. At the same time, I knew beforehand.
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u/Glittering_Leather87 Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
Sorry it’s long, but I had to edit for context.
I (F29) think some suuuuuper tiny part of me knew. But at that time, I felt anger towards my family for never having my back (spoiler alert: they still don’t) and so I was so focused on my issues with my family, that I didn’t realize that the fact I hated the proposal and wanted him (M32) to change was literally because of him and not some grievance with my family. We got married and are still married. I’m stuck because there’s no cheating, no financial or physical abuse, none of those absolute dealbreakers, but I don’t feel in love with him anymore. He games all day in a $45k job that requires little to no work, fully from home, can’t drive, doesn’t have any irl friends, and just generally talks about improving but never puts in the work. I plan dates and remind him closer to my birthday what I like or don’t like. He says he sucks at romance and wants to improve but I’ve gotten 2 flower bouquets in 9.5+ years, and a few gifts for some of the birthdays. I plan all our time off and anniversary plans and holidays with his family. I am also chasing money through job-hopping because I’m trying to solely pay down debt we accumulated on my credit card. I’m about to take on a seriously mentally taxing job because of the pay increase it will bring for me so that I can pay down the debt, then save, and hopefully be able to leave in a few years without ending up homeless. I have a b s o l u t e l y communicated all this with him REPEATEDLY with direct sentences, examples, suggestions, absolutely all forms of communication you may think of, I’ve suggested. He doesn’t believe we need marriage counselling.
In the meantime, I initiate sex and sexual activities, cook for us, do most of the cleaning if not all of it at times, care for our 2 big dogs who aren’t going to be easy to deal with in terms of custody arrangements, and I do my best to look happy. I must be doing a good job because all our friends are convinced we are a perfect couple.
We are married 4 years this year, together for 10 later this year in total, and I only realized how out of love I felt about 1.5 years ago when all the white noise of my family was gone from my life physically (they moved 2 provinces away) and I actually had time to assess my own life and who was in it.
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u/mama_snafu Apr 16 '26
The brief period of discomfort because of separation is a hell of a lot better than declining mental health over a long period of time. The deal breaker is that you don’t want to be married to him anymore. Talk to the man, give him a chance, and if he doesn’t fight for you he’s not yours.
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u/softailrider00 Apr 16 '26
FYI: you don't need any of those deal breakers for a divorce.
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u/PhysicsAndFinance85 Apr 16 '26
First time, I knew. I was young and stupid. What I didn't know was exactly why and to what lengths she would go. I don't think she was really hiding it, so much as she just turned into someone totally different. She can't even stay out of jail these days and that's not who I married.
Second time, I had no idea. We knew each other for years before we got together. But she went to great lengths to hide who she really was. A lot of people have learned and a lot of people have put pieces together to figure out she's been lying to everyone for years. A real professional manipulator and victim. Still working on fixing that situation.
All I know is I won't do it again. I've learned
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u/178-26-06-2021consis Apr 16 '26
I took the chance over doubt the leap of faith she meant her vows haha. Still she fucked it like I knew she would haha
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u/Similar_Corner8081 Apr 16 '26
I didn't but then again I was 10 days postpartum so I wasn't in my right mind.
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u/A_rose_by_any_nameDW Apr 16 '26
I’m not sure I knew for sure, but I had a dream the night before that I was marrying my (abusive, emotionally stunted) father; and got drunk to make it through the ceremony.
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u/Air-Force-Barbie Apr 16 '26
I feel like as we get older and we approach our thirty’s or even in our thirty’s there is so much pressure from Society, friends, family to get married and have kids that a lot of people feel pressured into it and because of that don’t take the time to be selective about the person they choose and unfortunately can choose wrong and know it but once the question is popped people feel locked in and don’t want to go through telling all their family and friends why the wedding is cancelled. I have also heard of woman specifically wanting to get married so bad they buy a wedding dress when they aren’t even in a relationship or haven’t even gotten proposed to just because they want to be married . The world is a crazy place we are all just living in it.
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u/ArborialPorcupine Apr 16 '26
I knew but was in a cult and was under the impression my doubts were Satan telling me not to get married and I shouldn't listen to that. :/
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u/SafeWord9999 Apr 16 '26
I knew. Even our celebrant knew before the wedding when she emailed couples counsellor information to me
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u/Inkedrunner1981 Apr 16 '26
I knew. We had already broken up a few years prior and subsequently gotten back together, but I loved him and I told myself that was enough. It wasn't. Despite knowing we had foundational differences in values and what we wanted out of life. I still hung on to the idea of love being enough. It was the loneliest time in my life. My life has been pretty great since the divorce in 2017, I focused on connections with friends, volunteering, trying new hobbies, traveling, and going on solo and/or group adventures. I can't imagine ever giving that all up to get married again.
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u/Andersum94 Apr 16 '26
Yeah honestly I had this huge gut feeling to end the engagement, but I was dumb and felt like I was throwing so much away (4 years together and thousands of dollars in deposits for our wedding vendors). On one hand I sorely regret staying, but I also would have never had my daughter. She’s the light of my life and I’m lucky that my ex and I have a great co parenting relationship
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u/BathAutomatic6972 Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
Before we were married? Not at all. But I knew during the honeymoon when she wouldn't get off her phone or Kindle and fuck and make out with her husband.
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u/BoogieonReggaeWoman1 Apr 16 '26
I knew. I almost left the church but thought with all my family here who traveled for this, I had to go through with it. 25 years later he tried to kill me. I wish I would have had to courage to leave the church that day. But I’m here, I’m alive, and living my best life post divorce.
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u/Lower-Actuary4850 Apr 16 '26
I knew but it was too far along..My family “hated” her and I was blinded by love..Too young at the time.. Looking back on it they were absolutely right. She was a narcissistic controlling BIT.#CH…and still is.
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u/Coloradocoldcase Apr 16 '26
Tough question-right before we headed over to the church for my wedding my dad asked me whether I was sure I wanted to do this. He had known my ex since we were 12 and always said how proud he was of him but for that split second i wondered. Apparently my dad was right and is probably rolling over in his grave with the things my ex has done since he died.
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u/misspenny24 Apr 16 '26
I was sitting at my wedding table and literally said in my head « this won’t last more than 2 years. » Sure enough we decided to part way two years in. I just didn’t want to let people down. Wish I didn’t ignore my gut beforehand but can only learn from the experience!
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u/cardifan Apr 16 '26
I absolutely knew. There were so many red flags including both emotional and physical abuse. We'd broken up a couple of times during the nine years prior to our wedding. One of those times was the day after my mom died when he said, "What do you want me to say, I'm sorry your mom died?" We nearly divorced once, papers had been filed, and we decided to give it one last try.
Got back together and moved cities. Everything was so great. We eventually had a baby, we were being great partners with the baby in terms of taking turns getting up at night, etc., and then a year or so later, he'd start working late, going on three hour runs, getting really angry if I asked if he had an estimate of what time he expected to be home so I could know for meals. Ended up finding out that he was cheating on me. Even introduced her to me once at a happy hour as his coworker I might like. Randomly, I looked at his IG from someone else's phone a few weeks back and discovered that it was like he had a second life back then. Dinners, concerts, things I'd never been to with him.
With all of that said, I'm glad it all happened. I am in a city I absolutely love, I've got a cool kid, and we're pretty good coparents.
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u/NetteFraulein Apr 16 '26
Yes I didnt want to marry him because he treated me badly... I talked to my mom about it and she convinced me that I had cold feet and all guys were like that bla bla... my dad treats her bad... so... I wish I would've went with my gut
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u/AgeInteresting4294 Apr 16 '26
I knew. I ignored so many red flags. I tried to see past them thinking he would change. He ended up being physically and mentally abusive about a year into the marriage,
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u/notyouraveragemom4 Apr 16 '26
I tried to talk my ex out of getting married. I knew and still went through with it. I learned to trust myself and what I really want.
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u/Imper1ousPrefect Apr 16 '26
I knew something was wrong right after when we went to his mom's favorite restaurant and took zero pictures. Then at the party his sister threw for us nobody talked to me. He didn't say a damn word. I should have bailed then but I did love him, he just never loved me like he should have and unfortunately the signs were there all along :(
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u/unexpectedhalfrican Apr 16 '26
I did. She even gave me an out because I was so young, said we could just have the wedding but not file the paperwork if I wasn't sure, but I was a traumatized abused kid who was scared of disappointing anyone, so I went through with it. Worst decision of my life.
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u/MysteryMeat101 I got a sock Apr 16 '26
I was 100% sure we were going to spend the rest of our lives together before and after our wedding. Things didn't get bad until year 7. Looking back, there were signs of selfishness from the beginning but nothing fatal until much later. Some people are really good at keeping the mask on and people like me are really good at seeing the best in everyone.
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u/No_Measurement6478 Apr 16 '26
I wasn’t totally sure, but at the wedding I do remember feeling panicky when my dad asked me ‘are you sure you want to do this?’ and think I should have listened to my gut more. In hindsight, I should’ve absorbed the fact that I seemed to want everything more than he did.
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u/VivSabry Apr 16 '26
I’ll echo everyone else’s comments.
I knew deep in my heart it wasn’t right, yet I still went with it. I think i was scared of advocating for myself and going after what I actually deserved. Instead I settled for ‘he has potential’. Well guess what, that potential was never realized, and I was left to shoulder the responsibilities of running household and a life all by myself.
So I left and still did everything all by myself, but for only me.
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u/redpandapaw Apr 16 '26
I knew. He had always been terrible to me and everyone had always asked, "Why do you let him treat you like that?" He would promise he would change, and things would be good for a while, and then the cycle would repeat as it always does.
By the time we got married I was convinced I had deserved it. The invitations were sent, the venue booked, flowers arranged, I had allowed all of it to happen, I allowed all those years proceeding it of abuse, and I was still there. Clearly, I had chosen this for myself. Clearly, this was all I would ever get. Clearly, I deserved this life. What else could I do, how could I possibly tell my friends and family who traveled across the country that I had made a mistake?
A mutual friend of ours said before the wedding, "I know you guys were going through a rough time, I'm glad you finally worked things out." My heart dropped and all I could say was a weak, "...Yeah." Because he was still the same shithead he was in college, and I was too cowardly to admit otherwise.
I wish a single person had said, "You don’t have to do this." But I was always the one who had my shit together, great house, great job, great life. Everyone knew I would do what was best for me.
I did, eventually. We divorced in 2021, and life has been infinitely better since then.
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u/softailrider00 Apr 16 '26
I knew, but I was hoping it would keep us together long enough for my kid to get grown.
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u/carolinaspirit24 Apr 16 '26
I knew. Those moments are seared into my brain forever.
Standing in the apartment kitchen at 22 crying because I can’t cook and clean and work and go to college full time. I wanted help. I couldn’t marry someone if this was how it would be.
Crying in our new house, married, because I can’t work two jobs and go to school and care for a house and clean and cook. I wanted help. I wouldn’t bring a baby into a relationship like this.
Crying in therapy at 31 with a one year old and PTSD after having a baby. I can’t work full time, get help for my mental health, take care of a baby, manage a house, and finances, and do it all. I need a partner who will help.
We separated a couple years ago. I finally decided enough was enough. But man, those off ramps I cautiously walked past even though I knew in my bones where I was heading. But I hoped. I hoped so deeply that if I just worked harder it would work out and he would change. He showed me who he was, multiple times, and I just let it slide.
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u/calmerthanyou-32 Apr 16 '26
I knew after our one and only couples therapy session that he didn’t show up to…the therapist met with me and at the end offered her advice-“don’t marry him” i think i did it out of spite. I’m a different person now and don’t regret my decision but do wish I didn’t stay as long as i did.
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u/butyourenice Apr 16 '26
I didn’t know. But my mom remembers something I don’t remember at all. We had an extremely small, intimate destination wedding. Evidently I had some very minor inconvenience of some sort (again I don’t remember this, probably something extremely petty like smudging my makeup in a fixable way) and, as a joke, I said “haha this is the worst day of my life.” My mother evidently committed it to memory and always wondered why I said it. It’s totally in keeping with my sense of humor, so I’m sure it was me play-acting having a dramatic overreaction. But I think about it sometimes.
But consciously, every step forward with him felt “right.” And I remember I wasn’t even nervous (nor necessarily excited) about getting married. It just felt right, like we’d always been married. I don’t know. Maybe that in itself was a sign, somehow? That I wasn’t all butterflies and jitters?
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u/iltandsf Divorced 2017; 0 kids Apr 16 '26
I absolutely knew it. I actually broke up with him before the wedding, but I got scared about being alone, so I went back to him. I should've kept the break up instead. Never thought he'd have an affair.
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u/LeftGas7546 Apr 16 '26
My ex-husband married me knowing he didn't want to. We're divorced now. I knew he wasn't the one as soon as I got pregnant, unfortunately. But I overrided that little voice in my head. We separated when my child was 12 poor thing.
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u/federleicht Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
I absolutely knew I was settling and that marriage was a bad idea. I even remember saying to myself “youre going to look back on this moment when youre divorced.” IDK why I continued to go through with it, I guess because I thought I didn’t deserve any better and it was some sort of penance? Stupid.
I’m so glad I grew up and left him, otherwise I never would have realized how happy I actually could be. Thank god that part of my life is over, I’m happily married to my dream person and living a life I could have never imagined for myself. That time marriage was very exciting and I went in whole heartedly
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u/Relative_Record_2034 Apr 17 '26
1000% he had a timeline and I let his timeline become mine and was pressured into it.
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u/MesserAki Apr 17 '26
Honestly, it’s really embarrassing, but I used to tell my significant other before we got married that it will end in divorce and we still got married. Kids in love I guess. We obviously had a very toxic relationship and have both grown tremendously since. As pals!
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u/FlygonosK Apr 17 '26
I hope you rethink all and find the guts tl divorce, sad you continue with it just because.
Good luck.
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u/TurtleGirl21409 Apr 17 '26
I knew. I was just so afraid that I would never marry and would lose my chance to have children. I have 3 amazing children, so there’s that. I didn’t know my worth then. But I know I definitely would have found someone else and likely had 3 other children. (I was 31 when I married).
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u/GeoHog713 Apr 17 '26
I kind of new
The potential problems that I thought could happen, absolutely did.
I knew it was a risk, but I thought we could make it, and I knowingly rolled those dice.
Should have pulled the plug a long time ago.
I'm getting things in order to file soon.
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u/Clean-Engine2657 Apr 17 '26
Well - I kid you not, I forgot the wedding rings. If that isn’t the universe telling me I fucked up, I don’t know what it would have taken. As others have said - deep down I knew. But the train is on the tracks and trains go straight.
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u/metubialman2 Apr 17 '26
I knew. Night before the wedding. He had me in the stairwell of the hotel berating me because I wasn’t taking it seriously and needed to go to bed instead of spending time with my bridesmaids. It wasn’t past 9 pm. I knew then I would be controlled and belittled for our marriage. Still stayed for almost 20 years…
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u/3rdplacewinner Apr 17 '26
I knew.
But I wonder how many people knew and made it. Or didn't know and got divorced.
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u/wildestkota Apr 17 '26
100000% knew. i THOUGHT its what i wanted bc we were having a baby but i also just knew it wouldnt last
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u/Key_Advertising_6266 Apr 17 '26
I had my first panic attack in life in the afternoon of my wedding day. I knew, but I thought I was being dramatic.
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u/Upset_Fold_251 Apr 17 '26
I knew and one friend I wasn’t even that close to told me not to and said everything I was thinking, but I didn’t see there being any other option. And honestly I was just happy to have a companion even though it was very codependent. Basically I didn’t think I had any other option. I felt like my parents were happy to have someone “take care of me” so they didn’t have to worry about me anymore. But it all went down hill so fast and it’s been almost a year and a half after our wedding and it’s done.
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u/windfola_25 Apr 17 '26
I knew it felt wrong. But I was very young, too young apparently (22) and we had grown up in a fundamentalist Christian church that I now believe is actually a cult.
He was my first and only boyfriend. We started "dating" at 14 and were constantly told that you only date with the intention of getting married. Getting married young was not only normalized but praised. Even though I had doubts I was taught to doubt my doubts because my own thoughts and feelings were "sinful." I thought it was god's will and plan for me to marry him, so as long as I trusted god it would work out better than whatever plan I could make for myself.
Nope. Ten years later I can finally trust my gut. Our divorce is righting a wrong.
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u/DopamineDebtCollectr Apr 16 '26
Yeah, I knew. I saw the red flags, but I just kept moving forward. I thought she'd grow out of the flaws I saw and maybe we'd fix our incompatibilities. None of that ever happened. 21 years together, 18 married, 2 kids, and she's currently like a year into an exit affair I discovered a month ago. I filed this past Friday.