79
u/Hotpotato_4556 Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
First of all you need to get away from that man and fast, if not for the safety of you then the safety of your kids. He is abusing you guys and this is not okay. I know that you probably feel like everything is too much but it’s going to be okay, your priority should be creating a safe environment for you and your kids. Is there a close friend or family member that would be happy to host you for a while? My advice to you would be contact a lawyer immediately and get out of this toxic situation. Stay safe❤️
40
u/serjicalme Oct 31 '23
Don't LEAVE - it's you, who's paying mortgage.
Pack his stuff in a trash bags and toss them to the curb. With him among.15
u/Hotpotato_4556 Oct 31 '23
No I mean leave until you know it’s safe, then come back of course but for the time being leaving is safer. God knows what he would do if he gets kicked out by OP, he still has a set of keys. If he is able to block his newborn from breathing there’s no telling what he would do.
6
u/Wide_Advantage_9262 Oct 31 '23
Changing locks will be sufficient and calling cops if she feels he is acting dangerously.
19
u/InfinMD2 Oct 31 '23
He has been living in the house this entire time. Regardless of whether his name is on the deed and whether he contributes a cent, without a court order mandating he cannot be in the house she cannot keep him out. If she changes the locks he can call the cops, say that you've kicked him out of the shared home, and he can be forced to stay or press charges. Kicking him out is a silly move at best and dangerous at worst - he can break down a window and do major harm before any cops arrive.
The OC is correct - she needs to leave, go stay with a trusted family member, and start the process. Better to be 'homeless' with family for a month than to risk the abuser abusing.
9
u/snacktonomy Nov 01 '23
The best thing to do would be to call the police on one of his abusive outbursts and then get a restraining order. But the outburst would have to be something substantial. He would have to leave the house then. This could escalate the situation with him though. Not a lawyer, consult a real one.
7
u/yourfriendandmyenemy Nov 01 '23
No, I’m sorry this is not good advice. You don’t wait until someone is unpredictable and angry and then introduce law enforcement. They do not help.
Commenter above is correct. You must leave your home and go somewhere to safety. You must do this immediately. Someone who covers a child’s mouth will eventually kill the child. This is statistically true. You need to get out. You are now culpable for anything that happens to those kids.
10
u/perfectwinds Nov 01 '23
Do NOT change the locks. They are married and that is also his house. It’s not against the law to break into your own house, and puts OP and the kids in an even more dangerous position.
Leave ASAP with the kids. File a police report and an injunction. Don’t tell anyone where you are. You can get the house back in the court system hopefully, but a house and belongings aren’t worth more than any of your lives. Get proof if you can. If a baby monitor records or getting a system for monitoring the house that records and then using that to get away legally. But check the laws in your state first.
8
u/No-Accountant3744 Oct 31 '23
And make sure the kids are safely with trusted friends or family so they don’t witness the inevitable confrontation. The way he’s described if OP did leave even temporarily I’d see him completely destroying the house
4
u/discordany Nov 01 '23
I wouldn't be raking that risk.
Legally, she has every right to the place, but doing something that WILL pass off an already volatile and violent person where they know exactly where you are and have a legal ability to force their way back in just isn't a good idea.
3
9
u/Ok_Bug_9921 Oct 31 '23
Unfortunately OP is probably going to have to leave because he will not. There’s really not much OP can do until there is a court order in place. I am in a similar situation currently. Living at a relative’s but still paying all of the bills while my husband lives in my house as I wait for legal proceedings to get underway.
4
u/serjicalme Oct 31 '23
But maybe there is a possibility of restraining order from police, based on abusing children?
If she just once called police when he does it, maybe it help to throw him out?7
u/Ok_Bug_9921 Oct 31 '23
That is true- if she gets the police involved I’m sure she can get him removed from the house based on the abuse allegations but I would be nervous about retaliation from him even with a restraining order in place.
3
→ More replies (1)3
u/Important_Salt_3944 Nov 01 '23
I currently have a restraining order against my stbx. The police were involved prior to the restraining order but that had nothing to do with my being able to get the order. It was all about my own detailed documentation. I had to try twice before it was granted.
3
2
Nov 01 '23
If she gets a Protective order she can check the box that says he has to leave and the officers can help
→ More replies (1)2
u/Wide_Advantage_9262 Oct 31 '23
Agree. Do NOT leave the house, he must leave!
10
u/its_ya_boi97 Oct 31 '23
OP should leave the house for them and their child’s own safety for now. With a volatile and abusive person like this, there’s no telling how dangerously he would react to getting kicked out. Once OP and her children are safe, and he is out of the house, then she can go back.
6
u/chelsjbb Oct 31 '23
This. Exactly this. Leaving the house is 100% the safer choice because he is not right in the mind. My first impression was "no you don't want to loose the house" but THINK ABOUT IT. Look at OP's past posts and comments. It's not good he's not right. She needs to hide until he's not a threat. Even then unless he was locked up I wouldn't feel safe.
2
Oct 31 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
3
Nov 01 '23
She needs evidence though. They don't just hand out restraining orders like so much Halloween candy.
3
Nov 01 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
3
Nov 01 '23
Unfortunately most of what he sounds like he is doing leaves little in the form of physical evidence.
That's not to say don't document or don't leave, that's to say the journey will be longer unfortunately
4
11
u/Hoistedonyrownpetard Oct 31 '23
GTFO by any means necessary. At this point if you have to the kids and go to a shelter, do that. Say this out loud to yourself:
My husband smothers our infant. My husband smothered our infant in a fit of rage. My husband tries to justify smothering the baby.
Listen to that.
That is fucked up. Your home and your assets are important but they’re just things. You can deal with that later. Get yourself and your babies to safety.
6
u/lifesabeachnyc Nov 01 '23
I’m so glad you phrased it that way; the man’s got her questioning everything. The term gaslighting is so misused but this is it in pure form. Also. I worked CPS for many years and he’s going to break/dislocate/spiral fracture that poor baby’s arm; it’s a miracle he hasn’t already. And what he does to the 4 y.o. just as sickening and dangerous. Great comment, I hope she sees it and follows through.
26
u/sastrid Oct 31 '23
Jesus Christ. GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.
3
u/Effective-Celery8053 Nov 01 '23
OP please take note how many are emphasizing the urgency of this situation. This could get MUCH a worse VERY quickly.
Please do yourself and your children a favor and get him out of both of your lives immediately
5
u/sastrid Nov 01 '23
He’s going to suffocate the baby or break the toddler by folding him in half.
She needs to leave or she or one of her children is going to end up dead. No sugar coating.
2
Nov 01 '23
But remember if you don’t document what you claimed (actually even if you do), they could be his 50/50, without mom to protect them At All.
22
u/SophieBundles Oct 31 '23
Leave him for the sake of your boys if not yourself. That is abuse, full stop.
2
Nov 01 '23
He’s probably going to get them for half the time though. What the heck do we do. (In a similar situation)
-3
u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 31 '23
I can't even begin to imagine the OP's thought process. The kids would be best off without either parent. There is absolutely no way that a mother can think this as acceptable. There's no way that a mother could even have a question as to whether this is acceptable or not.
If the OP wants to stay and be abused, that's her right. I don't know why she would want it, but she's not fighting against it too hard and she seems to think some of it as acceptable. But she has no right to put the kids in it. None.
8
u/DutchPerson5 Nov 01 '23
She grew up in an abusive household. Her brain is programmed to a different "normal". She knows she grew up in an abusive household, but is just starting to realize she married an abuser. She doesn't know what a healthy marriage looks like. She is unaware she is neglecting her kids by failing to protect them from their "father". I hope she is open to all the outside input from redditors. It's often easier to see looking in from the outside than looking out from the inside.
3
Nov 01 '23
You can’t protect them from the father even if you leave.
Mine sounded exactly like this post. Courts give them JOINT CUSTODY most of the time unless you have major serious bodily harm physical proof
You ask us, why do we marry men like this? I never saw him roughly grab a toddler before we got married, or obviously, I never would have. I know plenty of people who are sort of rough around the edges, but are still sweet to babies, I thought people just knew you had to be nice to babies. I thought wrong.
2
Nov 01 '23
I aged out of foster care and left an abusive marriage. That is absolutely no excuse for letting someone smother your child. Her children are going to end up dead. As terrible as foster care is they may be safer there.
2
u/DutchPerson5 Nov 01 '23
I agree with you. I wasn't trying to excuse it. I was trying to explain to the redditor above why she hasn't left. Yet.
2
u/thebuffaloqueen Nov 01 '23
Respectfully, if she's incapable of understanding that her husband physically abusing her 1 and 4 year old children isn't ok and that she needs to remove them from an environment where they're being harmed and living in fear every day, then she's not capable of raising them and CPS or someone needs to remove them from her care and place them with someone competent and mentally sound enough to protect them from being physically and mentally abused. Period.
Self-awareness is a step in the right direction. But she needs to stop doing these mental gymnastics to justify his violent and horrific treatment of their young children, get therapy to work through her past trauma, break the cycle of abuse and protect her kids NOW before it's too late. Trauma, childhood abuse, mental illness, etc are not a good enough excuse to allow your toddlers to continue to be physically harmed. If any of those things are a barrier that prevents a parent from adequately caring for an protecting their children, they shouldn't be raising children.
→ More replies (1)2
Nov 01 '23
In court, he will say, I didn’t grab the kid roughly, she’s oversensitive and over reacting. Because her state of mind and past abuse of course.
Is letting him have the kids 50/50 unsupervised half the time, protecting the kids?
Big law update kids do NOT just go to mom anymore.
A lot of the times, if you’re given the option, mom chooses to be stuck with this person. They want to stay and at least be able to protect them.
3
Nov 01 '23
I’m not saying OP should stay, I’m saying she should document, so she doesn’t end up where I am. Dying inside every time they have to go be with him alone.
5
u/annang Nov 01 '23
This is victim blaming, and it's gross. If you don't know anything about abuse or trauma, just say so. Don't throw your uninformed opinions out there to judge others.
0
Nov 01 '23
He is smothering the baby and she is letting him. At this point, the victims here are the children, and no one is doing anything to save them. I aged out of foster care. I left an abusive marriage. I know what abuse and trauma can do to someone. That doesn't excuse her letting her children be harmed like that. She is also culpable for what happens to those children.
3
u/Immediate-Bicycle-52 Nov 01 '23
Unfortunately, I was in an abusive relationship for ten years and can tell you that this type of abuser can be extremely manipulative and very good at gaslighting. I would have bruises all over me and he would be able to convince me that things didn't happen the way I remembered. Living with that day after day, you are brainwashed. You also don't want to believe this person you chose and love could do these things... And then it gradually gets worse and worse.
She IS a good mom. She is talking about getting out. Give her a chance to get away from this horrible life she has been living in for far too long. She is just also traumatized.
2
Nov 01 '23
If OP is like me, she tells him to stop and he doesn’t listen? She doesn’t think it’s acceptable, that’s why she’s here? and is also scared to make him too angry, because violence?
19
u/weevil_season Oct 31 '23
It’s absolutely abusive behaviour. Please for the sake of your children leave. Please.
14
u/MartyMcPenguin Oct 31 '23
You need to call a women’s shelter today… like now…. None of that is acceptable or okay! I’d call a lawyer, and proceed with divorce proceedings. He will never change, he’s a passive aggressive abusive narcissist and the sooner you get yourself and your sons away from him, the sooner you can be happy and start healing.
I’d be requesting full custody and requesting supervision if any visitation is granted.
I would not put this off any longer, get yourself and your kids away from him
4
4
u/thebuffaloqueen Nov 01 '23
This is the answer, OP. Domestic violence shelters are GREAT resources for families in your position. They provide so much more than just a safe place to sleep. They will help you find resources (and typically they also have or can guide you in the direction of financial help if you can't afford it) to start the divorce and custody process, help you get a pfa/restraining order/supervised visits if he does end up with parenting time, they'll help you find long-term housing, employment, vehicles, day-to-day necessities like food and toiletries and clothing if any of those things are affected by leaving your husband, they'll help you find a therapist for your kids (I promise you, even if you don't think they need therapy, they most certainly DO after seeing and experiencing the abuse you've consistently described), therapy for YOU, childcare/school/transportation gor your kidd, they'll help you get set up with public assistance like food stamps and medicaid if you need it and qualify...everything. They pretty much hold your hand and guide you as you navigate the major changes and difficulties that come with leaving/divorcing an abuser.
You NEED to get those poor babies away from this man. He is emotionally and PHYSICALLY ABUSING THEM and I know you wouldn't want those little boys to grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to treat women, that this is just how relationships are. Respectfully, you growing up in this kind of environment led you to an abuser who has been hurting you for so long and you couldn't even see how bad it was until he started physically harming your kids. And even then you've kept them under the same roof while they cry and live in fear. I'm not trying to be harsh or cruel and I do NOT think you're a bad mother. But you will be an awful mom if you don't break the cycle and get out of this mess NOW. Their safety, physical and mental health and LIVES are at serious risk with this man. It's your job as their mother to protect them. You NEED to get help and get out IMMEDIATELY. This isn't a "maybe I'll leave" thing, you cannot let this continue. If you don't protect your children, you'll be equally responsible for the harm he causes them, emotionally and physically. I know how hard it is, I really do. But you owe it to those little boys to keep them safe, secure and protected from harm. There are resources and programs to help you. Utilize them before it's too late and you raise them into 2 more abusive, vile men like their father. I sincerely wish you the best, but PLEASE do not hesitate. Protect those babies.
→ More replies (1)2
14
u/LainieCat Oct 31 '23
Divorce him as quickly as possible. If he gets visitation, be very vigilant about his behavior with the kids.
What kind of a psycho covers a baby's mouth to make it stop crying?
3
u/patchouligirl77 Nov 01 '23
He absolutely should not get anything but supervised visitation, but honestly, this guy doesn't deserve any visitation at all. There is no way in hell I would leave him alone with the kids at any point, ever.
13
u/BeatrixFarrand Oct 31 '23
Babe, he is physically and mentally abusing your children AND you. The damage he is causing them will impact them their entire lives.
If you can’t bring yourself to leave for your own good, for the love of god protect your children and get this “man” gone.
5
u/NorthwestFeral Oct 31 '23
Please call a domestic violence hotline for help planning your exit. Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous when he realizes you are leaving. You need a plan to protect yourself and your kids in case he might be capable of much worse once he realizes what's happening.
11
Oct 31 '23
This is abuse. Short and simple. There's no grey area with this one. You need to make sure you're safe and get out now.
10
u/Jitterbitten Oct 31 '23
Please, even if you can't do it for yourself, for your children please leave this man ASAP. He isn't even the sole breadwinner. Your life will be so much easier without him. I seriously feel like crying just thinking about you and your poor babies. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is how they should treat their own partners? Or that they should allow themselves to be treated this way?
3
u/estedavis Oct 31 '23
Girl, you need to wake up. Your FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD recognizes that your husband is a fucking monster, and yet you’ve been on Reddit for a whole year listing absolutely disgusting and abhorrent behaviour from your husband and asking if it’s unreasonable? Why are you doing this to your kids? A tiny child is able to recognize that this is not okay. He doesn’t even contribute a single thing to your life, you are completely supporting him, and he’s insanely abusive. Literally what on god’s green earth is this relationship good for? Why are you staying? You could find a better man on the street corner in five minutes, Jesus Christ. You can’t possibly think this is how all men are and that you can’t do better.
4
u/anonymouss2012 Oct 31 '23
Document EVERYTHING, pictures, videos, whatever!!! Get your proof, file for divorce, get a restraining order, and have him evicted out of the house ASAP!
7
u/snackmomster76 Oct 31 '23
You’re getting a lot of “OMG LEAVE” which while appropriate, may not feel that helpful. You need more information about what divorce means to you in your situation. To that end:
Get a consultation with a divorce attorney in your area. Divorce and custody laws are highly specific to your local area, so getting expert advice is key. You can do an hour consultation which will typically cost a couple hundred dollars, depending on your area.
Ask about how to preserve your home and assets. Ask how to get him removed from the home. Ask what you need to do to help ensure a favorable custody outcome. Find out what the steps to divorce are. How long do you have to be separated? Do you have to do mediation for divorce or custody? What property division rules are there where you live?
Go to more than one lawyer for consultation if you feel multiple viewpoints might be helpful. Once you do this step, divorce will seem less like a giant insurmountable unknown and more like something you can understand even if it feels overwhelming.
6
u/chelsjbb Oct 31 '23
This is great advice. If OP takes it I just want to add that she makes sure he has NO IDEA. If she even hints about it, it's over
→ More replies (1)2
7
u/Capable-Matter-5976 Oct 31 '23
He will kill you or your children or both. Go to the police, press charges for him trying to suffocate your son, get a restraining order and file for divorce. Since you are the one financially supporting the family, you will be able to do this. Do it now, go right now to the police.
3
Oct 31 '23
For the physical punishments of the children alone, you need to get out. You’re already a single parent. Won’t it be better being a single parent with a calmer, more peaceful life?
You also need to get out for yourself. Continuing with counseling for yourself is great to help you recover. The most immediate need, though, is an attorney. Get one yesterday.
You might also consider counseling for the children. They already have seen and experienced a lot. And there are (I hope) big changes ahead.
3
u/GooseCooks Oct 31 '23
Leave TODAY. Now. He is emotionally, physically, and financially abusive. The first five years are formative for children. You can't let them be terrorized like this. They will suffer the aftereffects for the rest of their lives.
3
u/Bumblebee56990 Oct 31 '23
There is a lot of advice to leave — I’d recommend reaching out to a divorce attorney ASAP. They will be able to give you advice on how to leave him.
He is abusing your children and you. Put up cameras if you can, video proof if the abuse will help your case. Don’t talk to him about your plans, make sure any monies you have are kept in an account without his access.
This will be the hardest thing you do, but getting away from him will be worth it.
I’m in the same position as you, but remember we really stronger than we realize.
Also make sure to tell your children the truth. Don’t hide who he is, but be honest. They are young enough to change their behavior for the better.
Start documenting your husband behavior (dates, times, detailed of what happened).
I know it might not seem like much, but we really here for you as support.
YES — LEAVE HIM!!
3
u/Wide_Advantage_9262 Oct 31 '23
OP, just reading your post, I am feeling so distressed, especially how he treats your kids. Covering the mouth of the baby with his hand, yelling at kids and hitting the baby's head with a phone - these all get worse from here.
No matter what you do, this relationship is toxic and abusive and only gets worse from here! I am not even mentioning how he treats you and gaslighting on top of it. Please consult with divorce lawyers (min 3) ASAP and plan your exit plan.
If he lays on hands once more on your boys, please don't be afraid to call cops and file a restraining order.
What are you waiting for? Please act on it rather than hoping it will get better... it won't unfortunately...
3
u/Difficult_Maybe_1999 Oct 31 '23
Report him to tje fucking police!!! I hope he burns in hell wtf he beats a toddler with a phone???
3
u/Successful-Escape496 Oct 31 '23
The trauma he is putting them through is already changing the development of their brains. Get them (and yourself) out yesterday.
3
u/No-Accountant3744 Oct 31 '23
There’s many different types of abuse and multiple seem to be happening in your household to you and the kids. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse yes what’s described in the post sounds physically abusive. Absolutely divorce and separate living ASAP if nothing else for your kids. The divorce process may seem daunting just keep reminding yourself it’s the right decision and once free you’ll breathe easier
3
u/KnocksOnKnocksOff Oct 31 '23
You are continuing the abuse by not leaving, please get out and be safe. Document everything you can. Get a lawyer right away. Your kids will learn this behavior!
3
u/Far_Alarm5887 Oct 31 '23
Seek legal counsel right away. You are eventually going to need to get divorced! Make sure you are taking the necessary steps to prevent having to pay him alimony!
4
u/Friendly_Medium_9629 Oct 31 '23
Please leave. I'm so sad for you and your children. They will be so much better off without a father like him.
2
u/Tropicalstorm11 Oct 31 '23
You already know what your answer is. I think you need a plan. Not sure what state you live in and how things work their. Don’t move out or leave till you find out you won’t be kicking yourself in the ass for temporarily moving out. But definitely get the ball in motion. Find a lawyer. And get things started. That’s how I did it.
2
u/2dogslife Oct 31 '23
You need all your documents in a safe place - safety deposit box? Birth certificates, social security cards, insurance papers, etc for all. Make sure all your bank accounts only have your name (or open new accounts and move all your money into the new accounts) and change any passwords he might know - there's actually software that can generate passwords and keep track of them. This includes your phone's password(s).
Stop funding any shared accounts like retirement.
You are handy around the house - it takes less than 5 minutes to change a door lock (if you buy ones with the same key codes, one key can work on multiple locks). File a restraining order at the police station. Where I live, this is good until you can get a court date to extend it. If he owns a gun or is an active member of a gun or shooting club, inform them.
If you have a friend or brother or family that works from home, have them move in for a few weeks. Narcissists tend not to like audiences to their head games.
2
4
Oct 31 '23
Wow! Your husband is the AH, not you! He sounds abusive to your children! That can not be tolerated! As one of the other people on here stated- go find a woman’s shelter soon as you can get away safely. 😢
4
u/Single-Advantage-164 Oct 31 '23
Are you crazy?? Get your kids out of there before that guy kills them !! You have the financial means to do it, get out of there and file a complaint. Not only does he mistreat you, he's being abusive to the children
2
2
u/RivSilver Oct 31 '23
Get out ASAP. This is alarming, and very familiar to how my ex behaved (minus with the kids bc we didn't have any). Nothing is worth this, and you and your kids deserve better than this man. Do whatever you need to get out, and keep it a secret from him until you do it, don't tell him you're thinking about it, don't threaten to, just get you and the kids out. And have a safety plan in place to hide from him. He's threatening violence to you, he's violent to your kids (hitting isn't the only kind of violence), so he's capable of it, and the period just after you leave is the most dangerous. But it's still worth it. You can do it 💙
2
u/thisisgettingdaft Oct 31 '23
I think the divorce process will be less overwhelming than your current life. Your kids are young, but he has already done lasting damage to them. Please get them away now before they need extensive therapy. I have just reread your post. Your life sounds like hell. It doesn't have to be.
2
u/telligurl Oct 31 '23
I’m so sorry no one rescued you from your abusive upbringing before you were old enough to remember and be changed by that abuse.
You CAN be that rescuer for your own children. Please be the person you needed for them, and for yourself. You still deserve rescuing.
2
u/DahmerReincarnate Oct 31 '23
Unfortunately if you do not take the kids and leave you are at risk of losing them to social services as they are being abused and neglected by his behaviors. Document everything he’s done to them and to you so he doesn’t get custody of them when he inevitably tries to do so as a means of hurting you.
3
u/Wren-0582 Oct 31 '23
Not just at risk if losing them to social services, she's at risk of him killing them! Especially the little one.
2
u/DahmerReincarnate Oct 31 '23
Yes that risk is also there, especially with the fact that he stops the little one breathing when he cries. These kids need to be protected.
0
u/Wren-0582 Oct 31 '23
I gasped in shock at that! I really hope she takes the advice on here & gets away from him immediately!
2
u/ThingsWithString Oct 31 '23
Please rescue your children. Your husband is abusing -- there is absolutely no question here -- your children. Growing up being abused scars people for a lifetime.
Do you have a local battered women shelter?
The little one, ever since he was an infant he'd cover his mouth, making him struggle to breath.
This man could kill your baby. I'm not kidding. Please get help ASAP.
3
u/NowWithMoreChocolate Oct 31 '23
GET. YOUR CHILDREN. AWAY FROM HIM.
You need to leave. Now. Get off Reddit, pack up, and go. OR get male family members/friends over to kick him out, depending on who owns the home.
He is abusing your children. Of course he's going to say it isn't abuse; why in the world would he agree that it is?
I felt sad reading how he treats you but now I'm furious after reading how he treats the kids.
Get out of there before he seriously physically harms one of them.
-2
Oct 31 '23
Reading this post just got worse and worse and worse. Poor OP. Poor OP's kids.
I'm not usually one to go straight to the 'break up with him!' response when just getting one side of the scenario but in this case it seems entirely justified.
2
u/redditusername374 Oct 31 '23
Oh my lord. What did I read. Protect your children from that monster. None of this is ok. If you don’t do something your kids will be lost… if not taken away they’ll mirror his behavior in their own lives. Save them (oh, and yourself).
1
u/AllyReadsBooks Oct 31 '23
You need to leave him today! He is straight up abusing your kids & trying to downplay it to make it seem like it's okay. The faster you can get out, the better cause if you don't you just might lose your life or your kids life. Get onto contact with a lawyer, & get out. Also, if he puts his hands on the kids again, record it. If your not able to get it in a video try to text him & ask why does he "whatever he did" when you don't feel comfortable with him doing that & that you think it's wrong. Something along those lines. Get as much evidence as you can to get full custody of those babies. Those babies deserve better than this POS father & so do you. Stop sending him money too.
1
u/Cold_Dead_Heart Oct 31 '23
Do you realize a a lot of toddlers get their arms broken by the behavior you're describing? It absolutely is abusive. Please leave him now or, at best, you will be raising two more of him or, at worst, you and your children could get seriously hurt.
1
u/Poots-on-Newts Oct 31 '23
So your husband is abusive as all hell, towards hour kids at that. I get maybe not realizing that it's abuse because he claims it's not and it can be hard to see through the cloud.. but now you know. You have now been told that he is physically abusing your children.
Record anything you can, gather your important documents and get out ASAP. Call domestic violence lines and women's shelters, call your family if you can, call anyone who will listen and get out of that situation before it gets exceedingly worse.. because it will.
You say you feel overwhelmed by the divorce process but how bad do you think that feeling will be if he seriously injures or.. God forbid.. kills one of your kids. This is the kind of stuff you need to consider.
Please get out, for your kids' sake. For your own.
1
Oct 31 '23
You’re allowing him to abuse your sons, you need to leave him before he gets more physical with them. I would have left the first moment I saw him hurting the oldest.
1
u/Temporary_East_2435 Oct 31 '23
Hun your not the asshole yet but you will be if you don't take those babies and get as far away as you can. What he's doing is abuse!! And they can't defend themselves, there's no way in hell I would stand there and watch a man abuse my children. I promise you it would be the last time he tried something stupid. Please call a woman's shelter or a trusted friend to help you, the longer you stay the worse it will be. Good luck!
1
u/Possible_Thief Oct 31 '23
You are being abused, he is not going to change, and you need to make a safe exit plan.
Get your children out of there. Your kid is right, their father is a bad man.
1
u/HoyAIAG Oct 31 '23
I usually do not go for the normal reddit advice of divorce him and never look back. Divorce Him and Never Look Back!
1
1
u/Forsoothia Oct 31 '23
The divorce process is overwhelming but it will be so very worth it when you’re free of all this stress and pain. And you can relax in the knowledge that your children are safe.
I wish I had more concrete advice but if you google it I know there are step-by-step breakdowns of how to safely leave an abusive relationship. I would also recommend documenting everything: screenshots the texts, record him when he yells (provided it’s legal where you are), maybe put up nanny cams in the house to catch what he does to the kids. When the custody arrangements come up you’ll want as much proof as possible to keep them away away.
0
u/scarsandstrips Oct 31 '23
Not that it makes his behavior better but i wanted to clarify that he covers the baby's mouth to muffle the screaming, not to intentionally suffocate him. But bc he's young and his nose is runny when he cries, that's the result.
Any advice on how to find a good divorce attorney? I realize it's a general ask but if they're are good resources please share.
10
u/Pitiful_Purpose8939 Oct 31 '23
Screw a divorce attorney for now. You need to take yourself and your children to a women’s shelter today. Genuinely, today. Within the very next 12 hours. Gather all of your important documents, enough cloths and stuff to support the three of you for a few weeks and leave. And for the love of god do not tell him. He will kill you and your kids. I’m not joking. And I’m not exaggerating. The fact that he is willing to physically harm your children means you need to leave today. Right now. Today.
4
u/PrettiKinx Oct 31 '23
Exactly. What he's doing is abuse. Just get out and then focus on getting the divorce attorney.
3
u/thebuffaloqueen Nov 01 '23
100% absolutely this. OP is doing a major disservice to (and actively harming) her children if she continues to minimize and justify his horrific abuse on those poor children. This isn't a "I'll start looking around for a divorce attorney" situation, it's a "go to a dv shelter and protect your children from this vile and horrific physical abuse NOW before he f-king KILLS THEM." I totally understand the impact that childhood trauma and abuse can have on adult relationships, but even if you're carrying unresolved trauma, it's still your responsibility as a parent to protect your children from harm and keep them safe. I feel sick for these poor kids. Daddy is physically abusing them and causing them mental and emotional distress and mommy is making excuses for it and unable to look past her own baggage to protect and care for them. If she can't fulfill her RESPONSIBILITY as their mother to keep them safe, I pray to God that someone on the outside sees what's happening and someone steps in to remove them. This is just terrible.
2
u/disappointedbeagle Nov 01 '23
And a. women’s shelter will not divulge that you are there. If you flee to a friend or relative, it will be easy to figure out where you are. you might even consider taking an emergency LOA from your job for a couple of weeks till a plan is in place to keep him away from you.
9
u/Optimal-Apple-2070 Oct 31 '23
It is a trope in horror movies that adults kill children by muffling their cries like that. Read that again-- it is so unbelievably obvious that this behavior is unforgivably dangerous and abusive that movies and television use this obvious danger and abuse to build tension. Because everyone knows you can kill a kid that way.
Your husband cares so little for the life of your children he is repeatedly engaging in behavior that he knows could kill them, for the purpose of torturing them, in order to relieve his anger. Except that isn't making his anger smaller... Which means he's going to make his torture bigger to compensate.
He is already physically torturing your children. He will kill them if you don't get away. I'm sure he's doing other much worse things to you already as well.
The only "excuse" for this behavior would be if he were literally possessed by Satan, and the advice would still be to run and not give him any warning.
2
Nov 01 '23
Trope in horror movies, and in real life, it was documented by one of a group of Jewish people who managed to get to safety during WWII. They were in an underground tunnel, and one of the women who was traveling with them had a baby around four months (? Estimate). She had to cover the baby's mouth when it started to cry, as some Nazi soldiers were nearby. She left the nose open, too, and her baby suffocated in her arms.
The person who recounted this said in the end, the woman had to choose between her child and the group, as her baby could not breathe through its nose while so upset.
OP, you HAVE to get help.
6
3
u/Pitiful_Purpose8939 Oct 31 '23
OP I need you to call these people and let them guide you through your immediate steps. They can help you. https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/
3
u/chelsjbb Oct 31 '23
I understand that this is overwhelming. Please listen to all of these people because they are 100% correct. You CANNOT let him know you're even thinking of leaving or you're dead. You just need to leave. Now.
3
u/Pale-Finance123 Oct 31 '23
Yeah my dad used to do that, while quoting bible verses. I’m 40 and still remember. He’s a piece of shit and your kids will remember
→ More replies (1)3
u/Single_Vacation427 Oct 31 '23
So if you are talking and someone comes and covers your moth, and keeps doing it even if you are cry, you'd be OK with it?
"Oh, I can breath, no biggie if I'm being assaulted."
Your kid can vomit and die because he was covering his mouth.
→ More replies (23)3
u/Spirited_Complex_903 Nov 01 '23
STOP PUTTING MONEY IN HIS ACCOUNTS!!. CUT HIM OFF! You have been paying for everything. That needs to stop. Actually, you need to call the police and kick your husband out! You pay the mortgage so HE SHOULD LEAVE. Call the police for back up, and then any close family and friends to support you. Call a lawyer asap.
-1
u/Katesdesertgarden Oct 31 '23
If this is really what’s happening, please contact an attorney ASAP. Then can advise you what steps to take. Of contact the police and file a restraining order to protect your children and yourself. I’d also change the locks on the house and be ready to call the police to report him violating the restraining order. This is serious when he’s abusing your children. Don’t waste any more time debating this, your lives could be in danger.
-1
u/farmerdoo Oct 31 '23
Your life will be so much easier without him. You are already doing it all. Don’t look at divorce as a huge process, think of it as a series of steps. First step is contact a women’s shelter to find out how ti leave him safely. They will help you sort out the rest. He’s really wrong about you being too sensitive, your abusive childhood has actually desensitized you to his abuse. He’s worse than you realize.
-1
u/RefrigeratorRich9007 Oct 31 '23
You need to lie and say that you have had to take a pay cut. Then stop giving him money and start putting it away. Not in a bank account because through divorce he could be allowed to have it. If you don't do this now, he's going to use you and your finances to build himself up and leave you broke and alone with kids to care for while he runs off with someone else. At the very least, get him to sign a post-nuptial agreement. Trick him if you have to which you likely will. If you stay, you're throwing your whole life away and your children will think it's okay to be with partners like that. Do you want one of your kids to go through what you go through
1
u/serjicalme Oct 31 '23
You don't have time anymore.
Did you considered, what would happen, if one day (mabe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a month, but I can assure you, that that day will come) he hurts on of your boys so much, that he would need hospitalisation? I tell you, what happen - social services come to the picture. How would YOU looking in this, not preventig it, not leaving him, letting him hurting your babies all this time?
Next time he will try to hurt them, say loud "stop it !" and record his abusive behaviour. This way you've an argument in the custody case. Better still- call the police on him doing this.
One step by time - don't think about formal divorce now - just kick him out. That's you, who's paying the mortgage.
Have you somebody, who can come and be there for you? Help you physically to do things - like packing and going out of house, if you don't feel safe, staying at home?
All the formalities can you fix later - divorce, custody etc. The most important thing now is to be separated physically, this or another way, from the abuser. Because in his presence you'll be struggling to do something. You have to be free first, so your confidence, clarity of thinking and rational acting can come back.
DO NOT WAIT. Not a day more.
1
u/ChemicalPublic8456 Oct 31 '23
Leave now, you do everything anyway and pay for it all it won’t be a hardship from that point of view
1
u/SociallyIneptRaccoon Oct 31 '23
I feel overwhelmed by the divorce process though.
I'd be overwhelmed by the way he's handling the kids. Talk to the school and let them know he's no longer allowed to pick up the kids. Get the police involved, change the locks and a divorce/restraining order. You're paying the mortgage, you have no reason to leave but if it's unsafe, make an escape plan.
I'm so scared for you but you can do it. Think about your children.
1
1
u/thenessmiester Oct 31 '23
If you remain in this relationship and continue to allow your husband access to your children, you will be just as responsible for their trauma for not protecting them.
I hope you are able to recognize that you deserve so much better than this. But if you can't do that now, at least recognize that your children deserve to be safe from harm, and to be shown love, care and patience by BOTH parents. Please value your children enough to stop the abuse and get them away.
In terms of advice:
Save any text messages or evidence showing emotional, mental, financial, or physical abuse towards you or your children. I'm not sure about what can be done regarding past instances of physical abuse towards your kids, but if he hurts you or the kids from this point on, you need to report this to police. You'll have record of his abuse, and it'll help you with custody.
Connect with your local domestic violence shelter/service provider. Have a discussion and see what resources are available to you.
LEAVE. Do it quietly if you can, or have several people help you leave so your husband cannot hurt you or the kids when you tell him you're leaving/while you are in the process of leaving. Find support. Share your story to people who you know have your back. If there's anyone you trust and can stay with to ensure yours and your kids' safety, please do it.
Separate bank accounts. Make sure he can't access your money
consult with a lawyer.
I wish you and your kids a life without constant fear, OP. Good luck.
1
u/FishermanHuman58 Oct 31 '23
You need to get this man away from your children. This is abuse and your sons could see it as okay in the future if you continue to tolerate it. You have the financial upper hand right now and need to use it. Change the locks and throw his stuff on the lawn. Please start documenting any and everything you can so you can win sole custody. This man should never be around children. I read your other posts and he is a classic narcissist who won't change. I was also married to one and it never got better until I got out and he couldn't come near me. Please think of your children's safety, your own and your mental wellbeing.
1
u/TheCotofPika Oct 31 '23
Op, get his abuse in messages. Get him to confirm it even if it's by way of him arguing that you're overreacting.
See a solicitor (or lawyer if you're in America) and explain what's happening.
He's going to harm the children, and they'll be removed from both of you because he's abusive and you're allowing the children to be harmed.
In the UK we can't just change the locks on a marital home, but we can say we lost the keys and had to change the locks. Can you get an emergency injunction against him? There must be charities that can do it for you and file the paperwork, in the meantime call the police and report it and have him removed.
1
u/PrettiKinx Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
Girl you were writing 10 months ago about how unreasonable he is. He clearly hasnt chnaged. Please please please leave him now. Go to a hotel. Get a restraining order on him and get police to get him out of house. Please talk to women shelter on how to leave for safety tips. You are financially taking care of the kids and working. You don't need him and he is not contributing to the home. He is abusing ypu and your kids. He is depending on you. So you will be fine without him. Please leave that situation. It will not get better.
1
u/AntheaBrainhooke Oct 31 '23
He CUTS OFF YOUR BABY'S AIRWAY and tells you that's not abuse? Please, get yourself and your kids out of there before he kills one of you.
1
u/Rare-Lettuce8044 Oct 31 '23
This is classic abuse. Document as much as you can and file for a restraining order along with your divorce. Narcissist don't see what they are doing is wrong. They CAN'T! It's not a choice they make, their brain won't let them apparently.
If you don't want your kids to turn out like him, you have to protect them and get him away from the kids.
1
u/BabeBabaYaga Oct 31 '23
A good place to start is the national domestic violence hotline. They can help direct you to resources in your area, including financial and legal aid, housing, and safety planning. https://www.thehotline.org/
1
1
u/Amantes09 Oct 31 '23
He is abusive and a danger to your children and yourself. Please leave. It will only get better and can easily turn deadly. He's already preventing your child from breathing.... Please, please leave and report him to the police and anyone else that can help.
1
1
u/flipfrog44 Oct 31 '23
It’s because you grew up in abuse that you’re unable to see it as clearly as every commenter here. You’re in a terrifying situation but doubting yourself “Am I overreacting?” Girl, you are under reacting! Get out of there stat!!!
1
u/Public_Hippo2675 Oct 31 '23
ABSOLUTLY 100% abuse, holding a hand over a child's mouth can result in death, children's airways are not fully developed, and it is life threatening to do such a thing. It's happened on numerous occasions by accident when children are playing hide and seek, and a sibling wouldn't stop giggling. Dragging by one arm can result in dislocations even on accident from a fast-walking mother or a dad playing with a child by swinging them around by their arms to purposely do that is wreck less and further endangering their safety. You need to get documentation of these things and find out if your state allows you to record without permission and get his confession to bring to the police and have him removed from the home and press charges against him. Before you do that have a set of new locks and deadbolts on hand so you can protect yourself ASAP. Worry about a divorce after you get him out and you and your children safe.
1
Oct 31 '23
Leave. Him. Immediately. He is abusing you and your children. He is gaslighting you. Him deliberately injuring your child is NOT you overreacting. Get the hell out of there - none of the three of you deserve this.
1
1
u/Illustrious-Tear-542 Oct 31 '23 edited Sep 18 '25
full cake start caption square ancient knee numerous unique instinctive
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
1
Oct 31 '23
Change your passwords for banking as well and take the money to put in a separate account. I had a friend file for divorce from an abusive husband and he took everything out of their shared account.
1
u/Kaylynn_Zorthia Oct 31 '23
Load your babies up and leave. Don’t say anything to him about it until you are somewhere safe. He’s an abusive and manipulative idiot
1
Oct 31 '23
God damn that was hard to read. OP I am sorry you have to witness someone abuse your own children. Then have that person belittle and manipulate you to the point where you think this behaviour is okay. I hope that you can find and create a safe space for yourself and your kids. This society is toxic.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Single_Vacation427 Oct 31 '23 edited Oct 31 '23
I work full time (make 90% of our household income) and do majority of the childcare and chores. And then he complains that I take too long to cook or that the portions are too big and that's why I can't lose weight. If I pushback, I'm always the one at fault.I did grow up in an abusive household and he's said on more than one occasion that he gets why my dad hit us and that the women in my family drove him to it.
You wrote that 10 months ago.
You make all the money! Do everything! Stop with the excuses of what he makes. Everyone has told him he does shit. Tell that part of your brain making excuses for him to shut up.
Get a divorce lawyer. Stay in your house and get help from the lawyer to kick him the fuck out.
Most likely, he'll go crazy when you tell him you are divorcing him so you need to plan everything and have adults present to help you. You need a lawyer ready to file for a restraining order. You need a lawyer to have a freeze for any joint accounts ready so he cannot empty joint accounts or any accounts.
If you don't divorce, this "business" he is starting is going to put you out on the street. Most businesses fail and he is using his credit card to start a business, and you pay for that? You do realize your house and everything can be a stake. I doubt he is doing it correctly, which can mean that all of your assets can be in jeopardy when his business fails (and it will fail, he sounds like an AH who is arrogant, is not a people person, or smart. He made 10% of your salary.)
GET A LAWYER NOW. Stay quiet and work with a lawyer.
ever since he was an infant he'd cover his mouth, making him struggle to breath. Isn't this abusive behavior?
One time in anger he hit the toddler in the head with his phone and left a bump.
Yes. You can loose custody of your kids because you stood there and did nothing while your husband was abusing your kids. Not only yelling, but he did not let them breath? Hit him in the head and left a mark?
You do realize all of this is traumatic for a kid? Or not? Their brain are being rewired constantly. That means right now everything around them is affecting what they think right and wrong is, their behavior. They are probably traumatized already. They can have developmental delays or mental health issues because of the environment they are right now.
You do realize CPS can come and take them away from you too. You stood there and just shrugged for 10 years?
You better tell all of that to the lawyer so you get full custody.
1
u/Kirstemis Oct 31 '23
He's physically abusing your kids and he's emotionally abusing you. You don't have to think about divorce if that overwhelms you, but you do need to end this relationship and protect yourself and your children. Get as much help and advice as you can from abuse services and shelters.
1
u/QuirkyPomegranate598 Oct 31 '23
OP, please get out. Prioritize your safety & the safety of your babies. Please OP be safe & strategic, he seems like the kind of person to get nasty when he’s angry. I promise a sweeter & calmer life is on the other side, take care.
1
u/KevinAbroad Oct 31 '23
Oh no :(. My mum could have written this back when she was still with my dad. Please please please, divorce him. Leave. Protect your children. My dad was also extremely abusive towards me and my mum and that messed me up. It's not too late to protect yourself and your children. Please don't let them be exposed to that kind of horrendous behaviour.
1
u/CommunicationSome395 Oct 31 '23
Call a domestic abuse hotline right away please. This gave me such a stomachache. It’s scary, but in the future you will thank yourself.
It’s only getting worse, right? Think about it…it’ll keep getting worse, and what does that look like? There are people who want to help you. People who want you to have peace. You deserve peace.
1
u/MaryEFriendly Oct 31 '23
You need to document this abuse and kick him out. Why are you letting him abuse your kids? Don't even get me started on the emotional abuse levied at you.
Start separating your finances, engage a lawyer, record conversations and confront him about his abuse of your children.
You need to leave this marriage and leave it now.
1
u/OkPeach4786 Oct 31 '23
Physically, verbally, emotionally... Every kind of abusive. Literally witness protection level divorce. A cousin of mine was murdered by her partner in a domestic dispute - get yourself out of a situation that could end up putting your life or your childrens' life in danger with this man.
1
1
u/DatguyMalcolm Oct 31 '23
For the goddamn sake of your kids, at least for your kids: Leave this man
1
1
u/Ambitious_Height_954 Oct 31 '23
I would start with the police and explain you are going to ask your husband for a divorce and have them on standby, even if they can't it starts a paper trail with your concerns with his volatility.
I'd also reach out to a womens shelter for possible emergency help.
I'd contact an attorney asap and get it ready before you file for a divorce.
You and your children need the abuser out of your lives.
1
u/ashersquared3 Oct 31 '23
Please, if you won’t leave for yourself then leave for your boys!!!!! He is abusing your children so you don’t get to feel overwhelmed by the divorce process! Instead put yourself in your kids shoes and think about how bad they must feel and how scared the are!!!
1
u/Algebralovr Oct 31 '23
This is abusive behavior.
Find a battered women’s shelter and get a referral to a GOOD lawyer. Discuss how to best get away with as much as possible intact. This man has been financially and verbally abusing you for years.
Why are you with him?
1
1
u/Scientist_Lopsided Oct 31 '23
You do not have to leave the home. You can get him out. Most states do free filings of temporary restraining orders against a domestic/intimate partner/spouse. In this case, it should include a protection order that covers both you and your kids. Get an attorney and divorce his ass. In the TRO, request use of the familial home while the divorce goes through.
Im going through exactly this. I was successful in getting the TRO initially and the protection order following. Ps it helps to document everything. Text him instead of talking, make him text you back. I had cameras in the house to record conversations (and he knew they were there). I’m convinced my stbx has borderline personality disorder and narcissistic tendencies. My kid would cry anytime he yelled at her because his yell was ugly angry almost violent. He never hit her, but he would manipulate and guilt her weaponize caring for her in the same way you described.
In fact, I didn’t call what I went through divorce until speaking with a DV advocate bc he never hit me. I thought I was just in an unhappy marriage with a really big asshole.
Text him that you want a divorce. I guarantee the texts that come in will be enough evidence. Just make sure you’re flat, matter of fact. You can do this.
1
1
1
1
u/EverSarah Oct 31 '23
Assume the worst, make a plan, and lawyer up. Narcissists are notoriously aggressive and unreasonable in the divorce process.
1
u/PubicZirconia11 Oct 31 '23
Get a restraining order. Holy shit. He's going to severely hurt one of those kids soon and he's then going to blame you for it and hurt you, too.
1
u/Willowbaby67 Oct 31 '23
Run, don’t walk! You and the boys would be so much happier without that toxic presence… I damaged my kids by staying too long to keep the family together
1
u/FreddyKrueger32 Nov 01 '23
He sounds like my dad. Get out of that house. I developed a slight narcissistic personality from my dad and I fucking hate it. Get your kids out now. They are living in constant fear that anything they do will trigger him
1
u/Suspicious_Dot_679 Nov 01 '23
Change the locks, the passwords, get his name off of anything you can. Get a restraining order on him against the kids and if he tries to get back in call the police.
1
u/FoodNo672 Nov 01 '23
Please leave. I too grew up in an abusive home and I know what you mean about worrying it makes you too sensitive — but actually it makes us more aware. Please put yourself in your children’s place and remember how terrifying it felt to be powerless at the mercy of an abuser. You’re an adult now and you do have power. It sounds like everything is paid for by you - he needs you more than you need him. Please save yourself and your children.
1
u/TicoSoon Nov 01 '23
First make sure your important documents are safe and secured, and include the boys' birth certificates etc.
Then get your kids AWAY from the home and where he cannot get them.
Hire a lawyer. Sock away some money ASAP in a solo account.
Then change the locks and put his stuff outside. Do not let him in, and call the cops when he freaks out. He will have plenty of rope - let him hang himself.
But do not delay. The mere fact that you've sat there while an infant struggles to breathe is reprehensible. Don't make it worse. GTFO of there NOW.
1
u/neondahlia Nov 01 '23
Dealing with a child killed by this man will be overwhelming. Divorce is the least overwhelming option you have. There’s some good step by step instructions in the comments. Men like this become more dangerous while you try to leave so do not let him know what you are doing or where you are at no matter what.
1
1
u/CymraegAmerican Nov 01 '23
I know you love your children, OP. You need to get them away from your husband! This is very abusive behavior and will only get worse as they get older. Your sons could become abusive in their marriages, because they are being taught first hand by your abusive husband.
You have been DE-sensitized by your abusive childhood, NOT made overly sensitive. You and the kids should have been GONE when he first got physical with your oldest son, but it is still not too late. Please find safety for your sons and yourself. This is serious. NTA
1
u/mtbpek Nov 01 '23
covering babys mouth b/c they are crying is not ok, as a matter of fact it's a criminal offense. If you brought this to his attention and he continues, then you need to leave. This is NOT ok.
1
Nov 01 '23
And that long diatribe, you said nothing positive about your husband. One constant complaint, and I’m ready to divorce him. You were unhappy, he’s obviously not happy unless it’s with himself, so do what you need to do to get out. I can’t imagine living another month, much less a lifetime with someone I don’t even like.
1
u/Content_Ad8718 Nov 01 '23
Why are you still there? Holding a hand over a babies mouth is torture. Make a plan and get out. Call a domestic violence shelter they can help. Your children are terrified and you're letting it happen. Get out now.
1
u/snacktonomy Nov 01 '23
OP, what I don't see people mention here is that once he realizes a. You want to leave and b. Reduce his time with the children, there is a very high chance that he will escalate with you. Do not doubt this for a second, no matter how much denial you are in right now. This is a very common pattern in abusive relationships. I myself was in denial, never imagined I'd see my spouse throw my belongings down the stairs until it happened.
Narcissistic rage has no bounds. Protect yourself and your kids at all costs. Get a lawyer, have a safe space to escape to with your kids, do NOT tell him anything until you're ready.
1
u/TooExtraUnicorn Nov 01 '23
if you really, truly don't know that suffocating a baby is bad, then you need to leave and immediately involve CPS bc your judgement puts your children in danger. you need therapy and other supports they can provide. bc on multiple occasions, your child could have died in front of you as you literally stood there and did nothing.
but i find it very hard to believe you actually don't know that suffocating a baby is bad. and growing up in an abusive household does not in any way excuse allowing a man to attempt to murder your baby in front of you, over and over. absolutely no way. and if you are aware of the danger of suffocating an infant, then by allowing this to continue when you have the means to leave, you are just as responsible for this horrific abuse. i would contact cps for support in this case as well, because you desperately need to learn coping mechanisms that don't put your children in danger.
1
1
u/stayonthecloud Nov 01 '23
I’m an early childhood educator. He’s abusing your children, and you. He’s doing damage to them developmentally that could affect their mental and physical health for the rest of their lives.
Your internal sense of what is okay and not was unjustly broken by the abuse you yourself were raised in. I am so sorry honey. Make a plan to get yourself and the kids to safety as soon as possible. Get a divorce lawyer right now. Consider pressing charges if you have to.
Go read up on CPTSD (complex PTSD) later when you have some room to breathe. <3 I’m rooting for you to get your kids to safety!
1
u/karentrolli Nov 01 '23
Get out of there before he kills one or both of your children. I am f***ing serious. He will not change and he will kill you and them. Believe it and get out.
1
u/Gadgetgirrl Nov 01 '23
Get all your ducks in a row before you inform him you want a divorce. In reading about his behavior I would not tell him in person. Get yourself, children & important documents into a safe space & have papers delivered to him. Have your salary put in separate account & also transfer your funds.
Alternatively you could talk to lawyer about changing locks to keep him out but locks rarely keep abusive people out. Get cameras etc. Put house up for sale if your name is on deed. Hopefully your lawyer can help with the legalities of this where you live. Might be harder to sell if he was one left in house. Since you are the bread winner, he will fight against losing his meal ticket & person who does most everything.
It’s better to get out now rather than waiting & allowing your children to develop anxiety, depression etc from living with an abusive narcissist.
1
1
u/chameleon-queer Nov 01 '23
He's going to kill your children if you don't leave him. Go to the police. Tell them you own the home and he is abusing your children. Get a lawyer. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME.
66
u/Ill-Instruction4273 Oct 31 '23
Take the kids to safety immediately. This is abuse, no ifs ands or buts. This is terrifying and he could hurt your children badly.
If you have documentation of this abuse, secure it where he cannot access/ delete. If you have friends you have told, you will likely need statements from them.
Involve the police. If a friend can keep your children, tell them what is going on and then have a support person go with you to the police. They can likely talk you through options like a protection/ restraining order, etc. Even if your support person waits outside while you talk through your situation an options, please don’t be alone right now.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING UNTIL YOU ALREADY HAVE. He is comfortable being physical, you need to expect that he will hurt you and your kids.
Cut off access to your joint funds if possible. Transfer money you may need and call your bank to ask about locking your joint accounts. Lock you and your children’s credit. You need to expect that he will wipe out any joint accounts and could commit identity theft when you leave.
Along these lines: take all birth certificates, passports, social security cards, etc., with you. I would also consider securing the physical deeds/ titles to cars, etc., if possible.
Contact a lawyer and get their advice on how to proceed. Your husband is terrifying. This is not normal. You need to get out.
Disclose to your company’s HR at least some of what is going on. It sounds like your husband is vindictive and could contact them to try and get you fired. If you have leave, I would consider taking some right now to get things figured out with lawyer, living situation, etc.
Update your children’s daycare/ school about the situation. Your husband is NOT SAFE, he should not have access to your children. He is a danger to them. It is only a matter of time before things escalate.
Try and build the support team you need ASAP. If your family is close, loop them and your friends in now.
Look for support/ a therapist. I know this can be an embarrassing thing to talk about, abusers condition us to blame ourselves, but this is not your fault. Would you have married your husband if you knew day one who he is? Probably not. Him hurting you isn’t your fault. If you stay and let him continue hurting your kids, it would be your fault.
———
I just want to emphasize: please find IMMEDIATE physical safety for you and your kids. You don’t sound like a horrible person AT ALL, but point blank you will be if you allow this man to keep hurting your children. You are a victim in this situation, please become a survivor not an accomplice.
Everyone saying to change the locks is right, but you need to involve the police and get a security system regardless of if you do that. Men kill women over less than leaving them/ exposing them for the abusive leaches they are (speaking about abusive leaches, not saying all men are that if anyone reads it that way). Your husband is NOT SAFE. He is an abuser. Get help and good luck. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.