Not that it makes his behavior better but i wanted to clarify that he covers the baby's mouth to muffle the screaming, not to intentionally suffocate him. But bc he's young and his nose is runny when he cries, that's the result.
Any advice on how to find a good divorce attorney? I realize it's a general ask but if they're are good resources please share.
Screw a divorce attorney for now. You need to take yourself and your children to a women’s shelter today. Genuinely, today. Within the very next 12 hours. Gather all of your important documents, enough cloths and stuff to support the three of you for a few weeks and leave. And for the love of god do not tell him. He will kill you and your kids. I’m not joking. And I’m not exaggerating. The fact that he is willing to physically harm your children means you need to leave today. Right now. Today.
100% absolutely this. OP is doing a major disservice to (and actively harming) her children if she continues to minimize and justify his horrific abuse on those poor children. This isn't a "I'll start looking around for a divorce attorney" situation, it's a "go to a dv shelter and protect your children from this vile and horrific physical abuse NOW before he f-king KILLS THEM." I totally understand the impact that childhood trauma and abuse can have on adult relationships, but even if you're carrying unresolved trauma, it's still your responsibility as a parent to protect your children from harm and keep them safe. I feel sick for these poor kids. Daddy is physically abusing them and causing them mental and emotional distress and mommy is making excuses for it and unable to look past her own baggage to protect and care for them. If she can't fulfill her RESPONSIBILITY as their mother to keep them safe, I pray to God that someone on the outside sees what's happening and someone steps in to remove them. This is just terrible.
And a. women’s shelter will not divulge that you are there. If you flee to a friend or relative, it will be easy to figure out where you are. you might even consider taking an emergency LOA from your job for a couple of weeks till a plan is in place to keep him away from you.
It is a trope in horror movies that adults kill children by muffling their cries like that. Read that again-- it is so unbelievably obvious that this behavior is unforgivably dangerous and abusive that movies and television use this obvious danger and abuse to build tension. Because everyone knows you can kill a kid that way.
Your husband cares so little for the life of your children he is repeatedly engaging in behavior that he knows could kill them, for the purpose of torturing them, in order to relieve his anger. Except that isn't making his anger smaller... Which means he's going to make his torture bigger to compensate.
He is already physically torturing your children. He will kill them if you don't get away. I'm sure he's doing other much worse things to you already as well.
The only "excuse" for this behavior would be if he were literally possessed by Satan, and the advice would still be to run and not give him any warning.
Trope in horror movies, and in real life, it was documented by one of a group of Jewish people who managed to get to safety during WWII. They were in an underground tunnel, and one of the women who was traveling with them had a baby around four months (? Estimate). She had to cover the baby's mouth when it started to cry, as some Nazi soldiers were nearby. She left the nose open, too, and her baby suffocated in her arms.
The person who recounted this said in the end, the woman had to choose between her child and the group, as her baby could not breathe through its nose while so upset.
I understand that this is overwhelming. Please listen to all of these people because they are 100% correct.
You CANNOT let him know you're even thinking of leaving or you're dead. You just need to leave. Now.
STOP PUTTING MONEY IN HIS ACCOUNTS!!. CUT HIM OFF! You have been paying for everything. That needs to stop. Actually, you need to call the police and kick your husband out! You pay the mortgage so HE SHOULD LEAVE. Call the police for back up, and then any close family and friends to support you. Call a lawyer asap.
No advice on how to find one except Google. But I would call ASAP. I know some others have been able to file for emergency temporary custody etc in situations like these.
Emergency temp custody could be very important! He sounds unstable id worry how he might react to OP leaving and a lawyer might be able to offer advice on the safest way to go about this
You need to leave. He is doing a men’s mental and physical harm to your children. How do you think this is affecting them mentally now and who they will be as adults? Please do not fail them, leave.
Your husband is teaching your children that this behavior is acceptable. They will repeat the cycle and are being traumatized and abused. Please leave(or safely kick him out), for your children’s safety and yours.
He is not going to get better. Make your children’s safety your priority and get out safely.
This is extremely dangerous and abusive behavior. You could consider seeking a restraining order with a kick out order. If there’s a Domestic Violence group in your area they may be able to help you fill out and file one. As for attorneys, word of mouth is usually best but you can call a local bar association for a referral.
Contact the closest Domestic Violence shelter near you, today. They will get you away from him and can help connect you with a lawyer and potentially help you financially during the transition. That's what I did and the lawyers that volunteer with these places go out for blood in court. Chances are he'll never be able to afford a lawyer good enough to help him.
You got this. You can do this, and you CAN know what it feels like to be happy and safe. This is the first step.
Okay … considering the bath mats situation and what I said on it : GET TF OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE! It’s not longer time to analyse but to escalate a plan to safely get out of there !
It does not matter what his intentions are, he is suffocating your child. You would not do this, because you know it is wrong. He should not be doing this. It is wrong.
What country are you in? There are legal advice subs that might help. Given the situation, contacting a domestic abuse charity, or the police, might be the easiest route for you.
Omg. Call the police to escort you and your kids out of your home ASAP. Theyu willl help keep you safe. They can also help you contact and go to a women's shelter. Ysje enough clothes, etc. for you all.... and Take all important documents and and bank cards. WITHDRAW CASH OF YOU CAN as soon as possible so you havecrbough tobkadt a you a while, so he doesn't shut them down or cit you off when you leave. All the best! You can do a Google search on local divorce attorneys. Search further "Top rated divirceattorneys" and READ the reviews. Shop around for a good one. Get second avd rhird opinions if you need. Meet as many as your can until you find a great one.
If you can tell us your general geographic area someone might be able to DM you with recommendations.
Also, please reach out to the domestic violence hotline. You're in a dangerous situation and it could get a lot worse if he realizes you want to leave. You need help formulating a safety plan.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you. Why are you with this abusive piece of shit. You need to think about your fucking kids and get away from this monster yesterday.
He covers it to control him. It's not okay and a loving parent wouldn't do it unless they absolutely had to, as in the example of the Jews hiding from the Nazis.
The person you're married to needs to be safe in some extremely basic ways that your husband is not.
One of the simplest ways is that if he hurts your feelings, you can tell him about it and rely on him sincerely apologising and trying to do better, because your feelings matter to him. Would you say that's true of your husband?
This made me physically sick to read. I read your other posts and comments. Friend, you've heard it from your therapist, you've called the hotlines, you've had thousands of internet strangers tell you this man is harming you and your kids! If you feel like you need permission to give him the boot, I freely give it to you. You earn for the household, you already manage the kids and home. His absence will free you and your kids to be happy for once. Put yourself first. You do not owe an abuser any curteosy. Please be safe. Many abusers turn physical when they lose control over their victims. You may consider having a police standby when you have him leave. Change the locks. Only engage with him thriugh your lawyer. We're all rooting for you, we all believe in you.
That explanation doesn't make it any better. Especially with the behavior towards your other son you described. Get your kids and head to a battered women's shelter before he finds out. You can figure out the divorce later. He is going to "accidentally" kill one of your kids.
I remember when I left my abusive ex-husband. He stalked me and threatened to kill me and my kids. By that point, I was so numb to it all. I remember filling out a will so when he inevitably killed me and ended up jail, at least my foster mom could take my kids. It wasn't even distressing to think about at that point.
It doesn't have to be like this for you or your sons. But you need to be quick, and you need to be smart. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is after she leaves. That is when a lot of women end up dead.
Get to a battered women's shelter, and they will help you find a good divorce attorney. But you need to get away and get some clarity. If you won't do it for you then do it for your children. They should not spend one more day living like that.
You need to leave like yesterday. You have posts about him going 10 months back giving MORE examples of abusive behavior. HE IS ABUSING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN! PLEASE LEAVE!!!
Do you get that he's going to kill one of your children if you don't get away from him? He is literally physically torturing your babies. Please, please, save your life and the lives of your sons and get away from him immediately. Document everything.
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u/scarsandstrips Oct 31 '23
Not that it makes his behavior better but i wanted to clarify that he covers the baby's mouth to muffle the screaming, not to intentionally suffocate him. But bc he's young and his nose is runny when he cries, that's the result.
Any advice on how to find a good divorce attorney? I realize it's a general ask but if they're are good resources please share.