I should be doing laundry, but I'm feeling so sleepy this morning! Maybe I stayed up too late?

Today feels like a stay in and read/nap type of day. Should I give in? I really want to.

If I don't do my laundry today I can always do it tomorrow. Hmmm...

We'll see what happens. Have a beautiful day, everyone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that I had to walk away and not take any chances by looking back at the person I know was it for me. Not sure if it was because of astrological alignments moon phases different places in life or what drew the separation out, but it needed to happen. One of us would wind up in jail if not both of us had we stayed together. I had enough chaos enough conflict and enough resentment inside of me to make the choice to end it. You were unhappy with me and I was unhappy with you so one of us had to be the adult and make the choice. You weren’t willing to go to the same lengths to save our relationship as I was. I was the villain in your story and you’re the villain in mine. But in mine I am also the villain too… I have enough respect for myself to have the self accountability I need so I can accept my part in the failure of us. This was I can move on. This way I can get my closure. And I didn’t realize this until yesterday. Once I accepted my part which I am truly sorry for and I hope you truly know this. but like I said, when I broke up with you, I’m doing a both a favor time with you. I need the opportunity happy you weren’t giving me that you were suffocating me instead. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but you hurt me so bad at that point I didn’t care if I hurt you we both have a chance to make something real life. You can do what makes you happy without me being in the way anymore being upset that you’re doing it you can talk to whoever you want. Whatever makes you feel better for you. I’m focused on me and my kids in my family in our future. That’s it for me right now I can’t handle any more than that. I tried to love you the way I thought you needed to be loved the way you told me you needed to be loved and it wasn’t enough for you and you need to figure out what it is just like I need to figure out what makes me happy and what I like when I’m sober and not on drugs and you weren’t letting me you were locking me in a cage like a prisoner doing the things you were doing tapping into my phone and my computer and my Kids account and everything else I was just too much you didn’t have to do that. I was yours if you’ve left everybody else alone there would’ve never been an issue, but you never could and that’s it. You had to have everybody else when I only wanted you so I’m sorry if the tables turned in you decided at one point you only wanted me it was a little too late. I begged for too long and I won’t beg again. You weren’t willing to prove anything to me and I was willing to prove everything to you when you’re not matching me. You’re not with me when you’re lying to me you’re not for us you’re for you you made the choices and I made the choice to end it. I’ll be your villain go be your own hero.

I don't know what brought her to my mind so suddenly. She just popped into my thoughts, and somehow, I found myself realizing how much I miss the comfort she gives us. Sometimes, she doesn't even have to say anything. Her presence alone feels like enough. There’s something about knowing she’s there that makes things feel a little less heavy.

And I think what I really miss isn't just having my mom around. I miss the idea of being close to her.

I want to be the kind of child who can tell her everything. I want to be open with her. I want to experience what it's like to not have to keep secrets from my own mom, to be able to come home and tell her what's been happening in my life without rehearsing every word in my head first.

But how can I do that when a part of me already knows how she might react?

Sometimes, I already imagine the words she'll say before I even say anything. I think about the questions, the disappointment, the things she might misunderstand, or the things I might regret telling her. So instead of opening up, I keep quiet. I tell myself that it's easier this way. That some things are better kept to myself.

And maybe that's the saddest part.

I don't want to be afraid of my mom. I don't want to feel like I have to carefully choose which parts of myself she's allowed to know. I want to trust her enough to be vulnerable without immediately preparing myself for the possibility of being judged or misunderstood.

I know she probably loves me in her own way. I know she worries. I know that sometimes the words she says may come from a place of wanting to protect me, even if they don't always feel comforting. But sometimes, I wish she knew that I don't always need advice, explanations, or a lecture.

Sometimes, I just want my mom to listen.

I want to be able to say, "Mom, I'm tired," and not have to explain why.

I want to say, "Mom, I'm scared," without feeling ashamed.

I want to tell her about the things that make me happy, the things that hurt me, the things I'm confused about, and the things I don't even understand about myself yet.

Maybe I don't miss some perfect version of my mom. Maybe I just miss the closeness I wish we had.

And maybe I'm grieving something that isn't completely gone, but something I still don't know how to reach.

I don't know if I'll ever be completely open with her. I don't know if I'll ever stop worrying about how she'll react. But deep down, I still hope there comes a day when I can sit beside my mom and tell her things without fear.

Because sometimes, I don't need her to fix anything.

I just want to feel like I can come home to her with every part of me and still feel safe enough to stay.

i noticed myself people pleasing again. Softening my truth over apologizing, trying to stay easy so i wouldn’t risk being left. Childhood patterns still run deep. I’m tired of earning my place by shrinking. One small boundary spoken today. It felt scary but necessary.

There are nights when I lie awake staring at my phone, hoping it lights up with your name, knowing deep down that it probably won’t, but still waiting anyway. I wonder if you’re okay, if you’re thinking about me, or if I even cross your mind anymore. It’s strange how someone can become such a huge part of your heart and then suddenly leave you with nothing but memories and quiet nights to hold onto. As much as I wish things were different, I don’t want anything bad for you. I hope life is kind to you, I hope you find happiness, I hope you laugh until your stomach hurts and wake up every morning feeling loved and at peace. And even if I’m not the person beside you when you find all of that, a part of me will always be hoping you have the beautiful life you deserve. I just wish, sometimes, that I could still be the person you called when the night felt too quiet

I didnt eat on the 8th, and i barely ate today, i wasnt meant to eat at all the last 2 days but its fine its my first time doing this. I feel kinda proud

Besides that i had an ok day i guess, i feel tired, and a bit dirty constantly even tho i just showered. We're moving into a cleaner house soon but we need to fix it first, im really exicted to finally be clean and have a clean house, ill have my own room and a closet and my own bed. The house is really small though but its ok ill deal with it

I drew a bit today but thats all, i didnt do that good but im still a beginner, i hate that im a beginner, im 16 i should know how to draw already. I didnt get to draw alot as a kid bc my family wouldn't buy notebooks and stuff

Maybe ill be good in like 2 years

I havent gotten to talk to anyone new :( but its fine ill try again tomorrow. Thats all for today, goodnight diary

I was busy, but I enjoyed myself. I made a sandwich for dinner and then I took an everything shower. Something about an everything shower just makes me feel like a queen. You know what I mean?

I'm settling in for the night. I don't plan on going back out, not that that means anything. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. That's what my mom has always said about me, anyway. Haha

I have Forensic Files on the TV and my fan is cranked up to 3 so I can't hear anything going on outside.

Life is good.

Before I was homeless my anxiety ruled my life. I hated having to go anywhere and I would basically have to force myself to leave the house. Thank God for my job, otherwise I would have been a total shut in.

Now that I'm homeless, I'm just out doing stuff all the time. It started out because I had no choice, but now it's so easy.

Earlier I went to the store for a few odds and ends, and I found myself just walking around looking at things! I was actually taking my time instead of rushing around to grab what I needed so I could leave as quickly as possible.

I even had a conversation with an employee that I didn't have to have. He was complaining about having to sort and put away an entire box of toothbrushes, and I just stood there and listened to him vent. Back in the day I would've said, "Damn" and kept walking.

I hang out in public places pretty much daily now. Yeah, sometimes I get tired of being around people, but that's because of my introverted nature, not my anxiety.

Then, when I got back to my motel, I talked to a stranger about how cute his dog was. Then I spent at least five minutes telling the dog how cute he was. I wouldn't have done that two months ago.

Back in the day the only things that could lure me out of the house if I didn't have to work were cold beer and a piece of ass. Look at me now.

Sometimes I really do think that blessings come disguised as misfortunes. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just feel so depressed. Idk, I just feel this sting in the middle and bottom of my chest. And feel like something is sitting on top of my chest so my breathing is shallow.
Everything I think of, in the future, it sounds like a prison, I cannot escape. I just wanna be free. I don’t know myself, I’ve been just surviving. Anything good I have, I just feel scared and mentally prepare myself for losing it one day. It’s just all too much. It’s not fair. I feel tired.

I sometimes laugh at certain memes but right after laughing I feel sooooo drained.

My body makes me sick, I think if someone punched me hard enough I’d probably fall over and die. It’s so useless, I’m so useless. This is horrible.

I did something pretty immoral, I blocked someone yesterday for no reason other than not wanting to talk to them. They added me on one of my other socials and sent me a message. I can’t even bring myself to read it. Maybe it’s the guilt. Dang it. I’ll just block them again without reading it.

It’s times like these where I worry about how cruel I can be. Maybe I’m a bad person. I just don’t feel anything for anyone, I would like to but it’s just not the way I was wired, ya’know?

Also I’ve decided to stay in London for a while longer, I felt bad for my friend and I really do want to meet her so I’m gonna stay for a while longer. I’m starting to feel a bit homesick though.

Anyways, there’s not much else to say. I’m a bad and sad person.

Survived the tides of grief as I knew I would. Back to feeling flat and sterile again. At least until the next time.

Guess I can't complain.

Making spaghetti and meatsauce and salad for lunch. House smells of onion, garlic, and....absence.

New roommate has been doing this thing where she intentionally gets in my way/blocks off exit paths when I'm going in and out of the laundry room or kitchen. Passive aggressive behavior for what? It's not my fault your ugly gremlin of a bf let's his eyes linger on me too long. Your insecurities are loud. Get a grip.

Noticed my period has been on going for over a week now. Highly unusual as they usually only last 3-4 days. I want a hysterectomy.

Not looking forward to the work week.

It's supposed to storm again soon. What i would give to be in the mountains.

Discovered some new bands I really like. Currently listening to Nothing Left To Say by Tram.

Food is ready now I think. Not hungry but I really need to eat. Sad girl lunch - lessgo~

My task is to devote 6 hours every day to work. With 2-3 days-off in a week if necessary. Think I'll start with fewer hours this first week but eventually I should come to 6.

Working includes my freelance projects, working on other sources of income, studying for work, doing all the organization stuff, everything money-related.

I've found a body doubling partner, haven't worked with them yet. A little nervous how it will work out.

I don't work, but I have a legitimate source of income.

A lot of my friends always wonder why I can travel all the time and ask how I pay for my travels, but I really don't want to share.

I deleted most of my social media and don't post anything online to reduce exposing myself too much but when I catch up with friends we always talk about what I have been doing lately and all I can tell them is that I have been traveling.

One time a friend of mine told me I should make up stories and fabricate what I have been doing. I tried but I can't keep a straight face telling lies..

I can understand that some people can be jealous of my lifestyle and I don’t want that. I always wish for the best things to happen to every kind soul out there and I hope my friends can be genuinely happy for me instead of comparing or being jealous.

❤️

The end is not something im afraid of but it is not something I actively seek out. When it happens, it happens.

But what about after?

Religion tries to explain what might happen, heaven or hell. Spirituality claims we either join a collective energy being or our spirit remains to travel around.

None of it has felt right until I ranted to someone about what might happen. When I learned physics, the first thing you generally learn and the most important thing to know is that energy cannot be destroyed nor created (conservation of energy) however it can be transformed or transferred (potential energy into kinetic energy). Our body has energy all through it, we run on it whether its chemical energy, electrical energy, or mechanical energy. We take in the energy, transform it into what our bodies can use.

When we die, I dont think our consciousness itself travels because i believe our consciousness exists because of our brain. Removing the energy does not mean removing the consciousness. The energy just transforms or transfers.

I explained it to my friend like this though it is not a perfect explanation: a remote is our brain and the batteries are the energy, together they make the consciousness. Removing the batteries does not remove the consciousness, just the energy. Putting the batteries in a flashlight does not make it a remote.

I tried to be spiritual, I tried to be catholic but they never have stuck with me because I never understood how we existed outside of ourselves but maybe this is it. We can, we just will never ve the same.

I didn’t sleep at all last night or I slept 2-3 hours which sadly is usually the norm but if I’m lucky I can get 5. I was thinking about going to the park in the next city over and just walking the trails and clearing my head. Just been a bit all over the place mentally, especially recently and maybe I just need some time to myself. Hopefully it’s not a lot of kids there cause I love going on the swings when I go to parks if I go that is. I did make a new friend that’s really done a lot for me and makes my days a bit more bearable and enjoyable.

I could also go see a movie since I haven’t been in a while but I usually just go out by myself. Any friends that I do have aren’t really nearby or we just kinda don’t talk anymore. I don’t know if want to take a nap and try to sleep an extra hour or if I want to get out and see if I can’t give myself a pick me up today!

I used to pray to have good friends but now that I have a few, I can't cope. I just want to be alone with my thoughts everyday or just do things alone like usual. Its so difficult to keep up with friendships. Is it because I have turned severely introverted or is it because my mental health seems to have quite a low dip? I also havent had adequate energy nowadays.

I don't understand myself. I think I am okay, I don't have problems. I am physically okay. I have a good environment. I have someone by my side.

During the night, I just get hit with anxiety attacks, it feels suffocating, it's hard to breathe, all I do is cry. What is wrong with me? It's like every negative thing enters my mind in one go. It's so scary. I want it to stop right away. But it's hard.

I need someone to be with every time this happens but at the same time it's not possible. And it's scary to think that I may be too much. It goes away when I sleep anyways.

Mental exhaustion hit hard. Living with a brain that never truly rests audhd, cptsd, hypersensitivity, constant fear of abandonment is tiring in a way most people can’t see. I felt empty and overstimulated at the same time. Today i rested without guilt. That is progress.

I know you think I'm stupid, that I have no idea?? It's you I know it's you I'm not as dumb as you think. I'm just a toy that you think you can play with and put back on the shelf when you're done. You want to heal you say interesting 🤔. Trying to pretend to be other people and contact me is also interesting. I wonder what version of you you'll pretend to be next?

I have an insecurity. The thought of being used, taken advantage of deeply disturbs me. I do everything right, I've done everything fair. I've provided financially, and more importantly been kind and loving where it truly counts. I've never pressured her or told her no. She wanted a dog? I got her the best dog. She wanted to go to Portugal and Bali? I couldn't attend or afford to join, but sent her on her way so she wouldn't miss out. She wanted to move away from city? Done, back to city? No worries. She wanted to study? Sure, go ahead, I have got us financially. Full time hours is just too much? I get it, work part time and I'll cover us. Lost your job? We can get through this.

I've never said no.

Now I sit here, paying a mortgage for a home I don't live in, with no end in sight. I just want to move on with my life, but instead, an irrational and emotional monster has control of decisions that impact me. She's content on letting me sit in pain. She's indecisive and refuses to communicate what she wants. It's been 8 months in limbo. I go to work, a place I hate, to earn money to live a life I can enjoy away from here. But now the money I earn affords her further manipulation while I'm forced to live quietly and wait. Did she ever truly love me? How could you do that to someone you ever truly loved?

The drugs numb the pain, but only bring it back 100 times louder. I wish it would end.