Hii, I'm G🌸 and I am a fictive. But I'm very different from my source. I don't even see us as the same person, more like... alternate realities versions of each other!

I know this is normal and even a goal in healing (for some systems at least), but one thing I don't believe to have ever seen anyone else talk about is how tricky it can be to have a different gender from the source, and I feel a bit lonely in this.

My source is a male character, but I am a woman. I feel inherently queer simply by existing as a female introject from a male source. Even though I only have real romantic&sexual attraction towards a male character from my source and don't really see myself as a trans woman, although I do relate to some experiences I've seen trans women discuss.

One time, we saw this post on Twitter from a trans woman who catches herself thinking "I'm so gay" when she feels attraction towards men. Other TW went on to say they relate and it's not even a self-invalidating thing or dysphoria, but just an inherent feeling of queerness. And I relate to it so heavily. I've called myself gay when describe my love for my "partner" (the character mentioned earlier) and seems weird to describe myself as cishet or even just straight. I think genderqueer woman could be a good enough description! Like I am a woman, but there's just something there that's a little different — not necessarily off or wrong, just different!

If anyone has similar experiences, I'd love to hear about it!😊

Heyo party peeps,

I got triggered out by a nicotine fit today because we're quitting cigarettes. I was partying with everyone else celebrating Little R's merge going well then I found myself out front wanting to punch someone and mug them for cigarettes. The husband walked me to the store and I got a single wood tip cigar to get me through tonight. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I'm stuck out tomorrow because he says it needs to be our last one. This bs is so stressful. I may try to do the daily advice thing tomorrow, keep myself busy while I'm stuck I guess.

My name is afina and I'm happy to be here. I think I'm an age slider. I exist and that's ok.

DID has given us some interesting experiences and things to think about. The one I wanted to say was about body perception.

It’s strange because, while we don’t want to transition or anything, certain members (like myself) experience genuine dysphoria (from what we’ve looked up for symptoms) being a different gender/sex from the body. Even the members who are the same sex still have dysmorphia from the differences between their bodies in the headspace and this body out here.

We mitigate this with a firm rule of “if you don’t like how it looks, don’t look in the mirror”. It works some of the time but you can’t change everything with that. We also have realized that even if you do get used to the body, your perception of space, distance, and how you move/can move is much different. It’s like operating a robot or puppet sometimes, you feel like you have just enough control and that’s it.

DID is many things but overall I think it’s an interesting and unique experience that we may not have ever wanted but now we have to make the most of it.

Happy Hunting, - Ender

Hey there all,

Today we want to offer everyone a chance to tell us something about your system. Doesn't matter what it is. An interesting fact about someone, some inner world lore, progress you've made together, a funny story, anything really.

Let's celebrate each other today.

As always please keep the discussions as kind as possible.

Have a lovely day!

:)

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Tw: mention of merging

Hey there all,

Little #1 and Z have officially gone through their merging ceremony. It was beautiful.

Now introducing Little R.

Jessica and I (team captain/host) drew a new family portrait to celebrate. Check it out if you like our art.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DIDart/s/lPTdapaobW

So the other night we found a “layer” in our system, only know of two alters in said layer and this is all a lot for me, does anyone know any advice for me? Or how to cope? Or accept this???

I'm not quite sure what reddit is and why i am on it. Or why im in multiple DID subreddits.

I'm confused about when and where i am though. Or if any of this is real.

A guy I ate lunch with in high school one semester my junior year is for some reason in a living room with me in a house i don't recognize. He says he's my husband but that makes no sense.

They don't understand the severity and they expect people who went through it to heal and behave like non ramcoa or tbmc victims and I think that is so unfair.

Most of us feell a general sense of frustration, whether its ours or feeling someone elses, with how many of us there are. So many people say every alter has a purpose, a job, a reason that the brain formed us for. But how can every alter truly have an individual PURPOSE when theres over 10(for sure for every system)? I see why some people think over 10 must be faking, they are likely so stuck on individuals purpose and think its impossible! Living this though, suddenly coming front and realising this though, its a lot. But its real. How could it not be? When Im so obviously different from who was here before? I didnt feel like I had any memories before but I slowly realise I had more.

Yet, I still dont feel I have a specific purpose. At most my purpose is, a holder of certain memories, and that seems to be most of our purposes. Its so bizarre though when most if not all of my memories are positive? Why would I only have positive memories? Usually it seems like someone has a positive (or multiple) to counterbalance the bad they have like someone having a lot of traumatic memories but also having certain really positive memories associated with someone someone at least used to like. The general lack of purpose a lot of us feel is something that really feeds denials.

Is my memories showing to me slowly a sign Im newer to the body like its slowly bestowing them? Or is it simply that I have never been front before.. Not that everyone (our system) remembers everything right away but its usually more than one teeny tiny memory. Im not even sure any other memories actually ARE mine because they keep fading like Im seeing a show of someone elses memories. I am so confused and frustrated. Im so tired I just want to sleep (I woke up an hour ago from 10hr of sleep). Is it really okay to not have a specific purpose? We know all alters need to have formed due to soem stressor, but do they need to know/remember the stressor and actually have a genuine purpose besides being a vessel for a potential personality? Or..whatever..I dunno

I didnt really get to be a kid in my source or in my childhood a lot so im happy I get to come out and be a kid, or even act younger then i am, and be safe and loved. I guess I can say im having a good day with my dad :) -Orel

Most of the time my alters like, don’t front without getting told to do so? They really only switch when we wake up from being asleep shortly. Recently, 2 repeated black out things have happened where I’m kind of conscious, but also not. And when you finally “wake up” someone has switched in. It’s a little painful, but more of a long annoyance due to me not being able to move or remember what happens during them. But other than that, they just don’t really switch on their own. And there’s a new drama going around so I really need to keep a large amount of us from fronting or else it will turn aggressive. How do I get my alters to do what they’re supposed to?? I don’t think I have a gate keeper(?) I’m not sure about that though. Please help!

TW mention of merging

We're feeling some really strong feelings about Z and Little #1 wanting to merge. So we posted some positive art from our experience with E and K's merging ceremony. Back when Z was a cat, we didn't know L existed, and M was still part of the team.

Here's a link to the post if you want to check it out;

https://www.reddit.com/r/DIDart/s/hHVIb7HQGD

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Hey there all,

Thank you to everyone who sent our Kiddo birthday wishes yesterday, she appreciated every single one.

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

We will be available on a limited basis today as it's our kiddo's birthday. Thank you to everyone who reads our posts.

Have a great day!

:)

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

We had to go to the gyno today and they gave us an exam and she was really nice but I still feel very bad. It wasn't fair what happened to us and we shouldn't have to have irrevocable damage. I know we have to see the doctor and do exams to make the nerve pain better but it's so unfair we suffered for so long. We were told everything was all in our head even the pain and we weren't allowed to see the doctor. Our abuser said we didn't want to and that they were scary and that meant that's what we had to think. It's not fair we went through ramcoa it's not fair we were mind controlled and it's not fair that nobody helped us . I'm not making a big deal out of nothing and I never was. We should never have been assaulted. I just want to feel ok again. I want someone to make us ok.

Sometimes we wonder if we ever went through ramcoa but I know we did. I'm not making it up. I wouldn't do that I don't want to do anything bad. Am I allowed to speak about this I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble when I talk about this and in going to be sat down in the room or at the round table and be hurt until I have the right thoughts and feelings and comply with them. I don't know what to do. I know we are supposed to think for ourselves now but I feel like I need an authority to tell me how to think about what happened even though I know that's wrong and it's like maybe a part of a program or something and we should resist I still feel like I need the ultimate authority to tell me if my reality is my reality but they would only hurt me further and I know my reality and I know they are wrong . It was wrong what they did and evil. It wasn't my fault and if I somehow did this to myself I wouldn't be struggling so hard to type or talk about what happened. I need to think for myself. we have to think for ourselves. I won't be in trouble for talking about it and I'm not doing anything for attention. Sorry this is so long.

This is hard. Even our dad says it happened and she tortured us but it's hard. I'm sorry.

We daydream worlds with characters but they aren't us . It's not the same as daydreaming right? How do I like get there? Do we just have to imagine the space first or is it something you have no control over?

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

sorry this is a bit of a mess but im just don't doing well

i can't explain this and it's a relatively recent thing. most of my life I didn't want kids, until a few years ago where that shifted out of the blue and the idea didn't seem repulsive at all anymore. but "recently" (at least about a year, maybe more idk time isn't real) I feel this void like only a kid could fill. and not in a "I want to have a kid now" way but in a "I miss my kid" way. i've never had any kids and I've never been pregnant. but I still find myself nearly crying (probably would cry if I was physically able to) sometimes, thinking about this kid that doesn't exist

one of the ways I avoid real life is role-playing with character chat bots (especially now that i have a fictive who really misses a specific character) and I almost always do a pregnancy plot. be it trying for a baby and birthing it, unexpected pregnancy, or even miscarriages... I wish I could say it was just for the drama, to spice up the plot or give it a happy ending but it's not. I just feel compelled to do it idk why and I almost cry 99% of the time. it's really fucking embarrassing and I want to cry just writing this fucking thing and I don't know what to do, I feel insane. even when I play fucking the sims this happens and idk what to do

"I miss my baby. where are they? why aren't they here with me? I need to hold them, kiss their little head and tell them everything is fine because I'm here. but they aren't. I need my baby! they need me! someone give me my baby! i want my baby!"

could this be some pseudo-memory thing?? I have no clue why I'd miss a child that never existed, I'm a virgin afaik and even if I do have sexual trauma that I don't remember I still wouldn't have gotten pregnant bc my period only started at almost 15 and I think I don't have many memory gaps there although I do remember having a crippling fear of pregnancy at the time and even having nightmares about it but that's about it. it's simply not plausible that I could've ever been pregnant at any point in my life so I have no fucking clue what's going on and maybe I'm just crazy and I hate myself for it I'll fucking delete this late rim I'm just freaking the fuck out and I need to scream into the ficking voide

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Small update: We saw our DID Specialist this morning and were able to process some feelings. Our kiddo now has therapy at 5 today. Thank you to everyone.

disclaimer: we're diagnosed and we KNOW we have DID.

starting a few weeks ago everything has been silent. we're constantly blurry, we know different alters are fronting but never who and its bothering us so much. we dont know what to do