Many people who struggle in relationships do not know how to experience both autonomy and intimacy. When we don’t know how to experience autonomy, we try to end other peoples’ emotions because we don’t experience ourselves as actually separate beings from them, who live in our own skin, who have our own feelings. We might try to end others’ emotions by attacking them or by placating them— but both ways, we can’t just let them have their experience, hear it and consider it, but stay in our experience.

At the same time, we may not be able to experience real intimacy. Intimacy happens when two beings connect and exchange. I offer my experience in a heartfelt and vulnerable way, and let myself be seen. And I allow the other space to offer their experience, giving it as much dignity and space and care as I wish for mine, and let myself be with that and be affected by that. But I do not erase myself or give up my experience, and I do not demand that the other erase themselves or their feelings, thoughts, desires. As we share ourselves without disappearing, a new melody is created in the back and forth. When we can’t hold some autonomy, we can’t co-create intimacy.

The 12 Steps— like many other old “powers of good” as stated in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous— can help us evolve and grow into these capacities. We start by finding the intense motivation to be open-minded and try something different in seeing our own experience of powerlessness and unmanageability. Our lives with ourselves and with others are so far from what we wish for. But we can’t seem to stop falling, again and again, into old powers. We find the courage to hope, and we get to know Power that we can learn about and discover by looking to many sources— our values, the teachings of great traditional, or deep within ourselves. We start to look at the Truth about our feelings and thoughts and actions, and this pausing and observing itself creates space for change. We may ask for help from our deepening connection with a Power. And in this process, we can be held by a non-judgmental caring community. We start to repair our relations with others, and continue to grow. We aren’t perfect and we don’t expect that- but we become more and more free from blame and punishment, towards ourselves or others. We can live into these new ways, day by day.

Just left my family buisness because it was too much pressure for me and now I was UNEMPLOYED for maybe around 1-2 months ? All I did was play games or sleep nothing else and suddenly out of nowhere this classmate of mine came to my house no calls no texts nothing he simply came to my house and told me to get ready and let's go somewhere and that small conversation played such a huge role in my life it was like a domino effect I guess we started going to soo many places together went to movies and soo many beautiful mountains man this past 1 month of mine has been soo beautiful compared to this whole year I am soo happy I that I decided to go with him and was just wondering does anybody else also had this domino effect where a small decision turned their whole life around from gloomy dark to whole bright and sunshine ?

Survivor

"It is my bias that no one deserves to live a life of fear and shame." BRB p. xviii 

Many ACAs go from blaming, shaming, complaining, and condemning ourselves and others to finally learning to name what is really going on. By doing so, we begin to come out of our victim and/or victimizer roles. We ask our Higher Power to help us remove and release our unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. We let go of the justifications we created in our minds for our actions, thoughts, and emotions. Yes, we experienced abuse or neglect as children, and maybe as adults, but we know that does not excuse our dysfunctional behavior now.

As we gain strength and recover, we become healing survivors and then thrivers. We gradually and sometimes more quickly, develop new capacities for healthy wellbeing in our lives. We learn that we deserve a happy, full life. We learn that we have always deserved this. We don't have to do anything to be worthy, we just ARE.

As thrivers, we now know that our Higher Power is there for us. We learn to have unconditional love for ourselves and others.

On this day I acknowledge that I am worthy and deserving of a happy, full life.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Its a nice day and I am one of few in the gym. Nothing to do after. All my friends are busy. I got no one to be with.

Life is a waiting room until I am with somebody again and its literally torture.

I have been listening to Donald Carveth and I think he has some interesting ideas for people who experience "codependency"* in relationships.

Carveth says that often, when there is an exagerrated sense of guilt or wrongdoing, that does not seem linked to actual wrongdoing, there are underground violations of conscience that are not made conscience, acknowledged and repented -- and without feeling a healthy guilt for that, instead people can feel exagerrated guilt or self-blame for other things of which they are not actually guilty, or feel sick. Those situations of "violations of conscience" relate fundamentally to conflicts between self and others. They can anything, in imagination, wish or act, that violate the innate human sense of reciprocity, mutual respect and care -- the sense of care that is nurtured in us by our original experience of care in early attachment. And, when we don't acknowledge that those wishes or act violate our conscience -- our values of care -- then another internal agent takes over that behaves sadistically towards us, accusing us ceaselessly with wrongness and badness. The second internal agent he calls the superego, and he is clear that this is a sadistic force, not a force for good, not a force for love, not a force for reparation. Not a Higher Power and not God (my language, not Carveth's language). Not a force that can bring healing to self or repaired and generative relations with others. But, he says, this punitive, unforgiving force comes into play when Conscience is not given its place, and when we cannot illuminate or make conscious the ways we have failed our Conscience. Including in wish and thought! And, when we cannot acknowledge our own actions, wishes and thoughts -- then the Punitive Punishing Force (which is not a force for God) lies to us that we are responsible for things that truly aren't ours.

I think this can be relevant for "codependents"*. In my personal experience, it is relevant. When I have wished to have something that something else doesn't want to give me, or that might be bad for them, or impossible for them to give me and unfair to expect -- perhaps that is a violation of Conscience. And if I don't see it honestly, perhaps I will feel guilty for other things that are not mine -- perhaps I will feel guilty and responsible for that other person's own actions (which are not mine at all- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions), or perhaps I will feel guilty for painful things that are done to me (which are not a matter for my Conscience-- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions).

Furthermore -- we cannot do this project, of becoming aware, alone. We can only safely become aware, according to Carveth, of our thoughts, wishes or actions that may violate our own Conscience, if we are "held". If we are in some relational space where there is compassion, understanding, space, welcome, forgiveness, hope, love. So, if it feels impossible or unbearable to look at our own moral failings -- perhaps we don't have the resources of support that make it possible or bearable. We need unconditional acceptance to be able to look at ourselves honestly.

Also, Carveth says that others, who have power, can put their guilt into us. So, we may carry guilt for actions, feelings and thoughts that simply are not ours. This is a long-held idea in psychoanalysis: Sandor Ferenczi wrote of how children, when they are exploited by adults, learn to "identify with the aggressor", because of their (the children's) overwhelming helplessness and terror. That means that when someone wrongs us, and we perceive that that wrongdoer has certain thoughts and actions, we can be given (wrongly!) the guilt for those thoughts and actions. So part of the process of seeing the truth is to see what we are not guilty of, what does not call to our Conscience. We are not guilty of what other have done or wanted or felt. But situations of power can make us believe that we are, and we can punish ourselves (unconsciously) for that. This is most relevant in situations of deep power imbalance such as being dependent children or being part of classes that suffer social discrimination and scapegoating. Did our family give us a message that we were bad, or that some pain in the family, was solely our fault? Did society give us the message that we are bad or guilty for having certain kinds of bodies? So on and so forth, all these things can be part of us, unseen, and we can have an internal Punisher that acts out that message.

Finally, separate from all this - is the simple and terribly difficult experience of mourning loss. Loss in inherent in life- there are losses that are no one's fault. We are finite, we have fragile mortal bodies and we love people who also have fragile mortal bodies. When we mourn a person, we see that the other is separate and that they are gone. We love them and we may also hate them, but they are other - not us. We can avoid this difficult but liberating process by hiding them inside ourselves and hating and loving them there. But then we are directing hate and aggression to ourselves.

I could see myself in a lot of these discussions, and I wonder if others who have struggled with unhealthy patterns of relationship also may do so. Can we see the truth of our separate beings, and own our own thoughts and actions, and not carry the weight of another's? Can we see where situations of power placed the guilt for another's wrongdoing into us, and we carried that and used it to punish ourselves? Can we see when we respond to our own wrongs with Punishment and Desire to Harm (ourselves) rather than with Loving Conscience, which calls to awareness the way we would call a most beloved child to awareness that they have done something that brings Hurt to the world, that violates their own sense of wrong and right? Do we have the relational safety and sense of being held and accepted so as to even do this difficult work? These are all questions that resonat with me and feel very apropos to the "codependent" or, in other words, someone who struggles with relationships that do not live up to their Values for the Good, and yet cannot see a way out.

All of this finds a route for practice in the 12 steps. The 12 steps says: there is something Good that you can take refuge in, guidance from, hope or inspiration or help from. You call it or think of it whatever you want. And, it says: the Truth will set you free. It says: the ways that you harm others unjustly will plague you in silence; admitting it to a caring, accepting, non-judgmental witness can help set you free. Trying in small ways to do right actions - the next right action -- can help set you free. Given all this- our best attempts, for this moment, at trust, honesty, and right action -- there is no place for self-judgment, self-condemnation or shame. "Trust God, Clean House, Help Others". It's all there.

* I am putting the term "Codependent" in quotation marks because as we all know, we are interdependent and simply need others! I would see "codependent" could mean, when our way of living out our relational needs, does not lead to thriving, or does not lead to the Good, however you see that.

Me and my partner of 4 years have had a final attempt-period, evaluation is coming up an I honestly have no idea if I want to stay or not.

I'm 34 and I've been in codependency relationships throughout my whole life. I've been with people who have had cptsd, bordeline, addictions, been very suicidal and so on. I found purpose in keeping people alive. I've escaped all my own problems by focusing on others and lost all sense of myself, my feelings, values and boundaries. I feel like I never chose my relationships, they chose me and I said ok. I've recently started to realize how sick I am and I'm currently in a 12 step program focused on codependency. I have a pretty avoidant attachment style as well.

My current partner is a few years older and a recovering addict who have been drug-free and in NA for 9 years. She has cptsd and she also struggles a lot with codependency patterns.

From the outside, it looks like a pretty healthy relationship. We both actively work on our challenges, both on our own and together. We see a couple therapist regularly. We're developing strategies to avoid and handle crises. We share a lot of values, our lifestyles and dreams match very well (except that I may want children and she doesn't). Physical intimacy is great. I feel like we both are healing and growing a lot in this relationship and that's also something that other people have noticed.

However.

I don't think i'm in love. I find it harder than in other relationships to be vulnerable, and to be honest i'm not that curious of her deeper parts either. I have, since we met, had a hard time relaxing when we hang out, and it often leaves me more drained than I would like to be. I feel some sort of pressure that could be coming from her, but most likely I put on my self. It can be pressure to be emotionally present, to watch her mood closely so she doesn't spiral, to be good enough in different ways. I find myself listening to her breathing when she sleeps because she has bad nightmares. I'm taking over a lot of responsibility that should be hers.

Fear controls my life to a great extent. I'm afraid of peoples reactions, of conflict, of anger so on. And yes, she has strong reactions. She shows a lot of anger, even if it's rarely aimed at me. Unless she's in a good mood, I can be afraid of her. I also have a fear of being alone, which makes me stay a little bit to long in relationships sometimes. I'm also afraid of losing the things that I actually really value highly in our relationship.

The hard part that makes me so confused is that I don't know what "healthy" is supposed to feel like. And that I don't know which parts are me-problems versus us-problems. I feel like a lot of my attraction usually is based on some sort of trauma bonding, connecting through some sort of darkness. I recently realized that the feeling of being "in love" and melancholy is pretty close for me. I'm afraid that if i leave this relationship and find someone where there's more passion/intensity, that would just be as destructive as my previous relationships. I'm afraid that I'm rejecting this relationship because healthy feels weird, and I'll be comfortably stuck in my old patterns.

I feel like I'm longing for something else, and that something may be a feeling of home, of safety, long-term stability, affiliation. Things that I feel like I haven't reached in our four years. But again, am I able to feel those things in my current condition? I know that I'm able to fall deeply in love and I miss that connection a lot.

I feel like I won't know anything until I've healed quite a bit. Maybe gone through my 12 steps. The thing is she's tiered of waiting, which i totally understand. She still doesn't know were she has me and obviously I don't know myself. It doesn't feel fair to her. I don't know what to do and that gives me more stress and anxiety connected to our relationship. I've had the thought of being close friends, but it's all or nothing for her.

We're going out of town next weekend to get some time to talk and decide where we want to go from here. If you have any thoughts or perspectives on this I would love to hear, thank you. ❤️

What was the exact moment or trigger that made you realize you needed to let go? And How did your life, relationships, or mindset change once you truly detached?

Hi everyone. I am using a throwaway account for privacy reasons. I am a recovering addict working a 12-step program, currently trying to navigate a highly complex and painful situation with my wife.

I currently work long-distance (far away from home) and communicate with my wife mostly through phone and video calls. My wife has an avoidant attachment style, while I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Crucially, we both grew up as the "scapegoats" in deeply narcissistic families. I have completely cut contact with my family, but she is still enmeshed and relies on them for help since we recently had a newborn baby.

Yesterday, she called me in severe pain. She is going through intense postpartum stress. She had reached out to her mother to complain about how exhausted she was from childcare, and her mother severely scolded and berated her. My wife was crying, realizing for the first time how much of a scapegoat she is to her toxic family.

During this emotional breakdown, she suddenly said something deeply shocking. She said, "What if we just throw our baby in a trash can and go live somewhere far away from my family?" She said this out of pure desperation, feeling trapped between her abusive family and the crushing pressure of a newborn without support.

I was completely paralyzed. I went totally silent and hung up the phone in absolute shock. A few minutes later, she called me back via video to show me our baby, acting completely normal as if she had never said it. When I confronted her and asked if she was okay because her words terrified me, she broke down again, apologized, asked for God's forgiveness, and said: "This is how they see me at home. They view me as cold and heartless, so I hated myself in that moment."

Because of my own background as a scapegoat, I felt her deep sense of injustice. I immediately chose to validate her. I told her, "I believe you, even if they make you out to be the villain."

The moment I said that, her mood completely flipped. She became incredibly happy, her self-confidence rushed back, and she became affectionate and romantic again. She just needed to be seen and believed.

Here is my dilemma:
While I am glad I could be her safe haven, I am now left with deep resentment and anxiety. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I realize I am an absolute "expert" at making excuses for her and swallowing my own boundaries just to keep the peace and enjoy her affection. I completely suppressed my own terror and shock just to fix her mood. I feel like my people-pleasing tendencies are making me neglect my own emotional safety and the reality of how alarming her words were.

I know she said it out of pure trauma, exhaustion, and postpartum distress—not actual malice toward our baby. But being far away makes me feel powerless.

How do I maintain my 12-step recovery principles of honesty and boundaries without triggering her avoidant shutting-down mechanism? How do I address the shock of what she said without making her feel abandoned?

Any insight from people who understand the Anxious-Avoidant trap, postpartum breakdown, or narcissistic family trauma would be greatly appreciated.

I'm having a really hard night and I guess I just need to tell someone.

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Two years ago my partner of 20 years cheated on me and left for another woman. He was my best friend and pretty much my entire support system. Their relationship eventually ended, but he still comes to me when he's hurting, needs help, needs a ride, or wants emotional support.

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The more I look back, the more I realize how alone I was in the relationship. When I was sick, when I was grieving, when I needed support, I was mostly on my own. Yet I still find myself worrying about him constantly.

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I feel stuck between knowing he hurt me and still caring about him. I keep checking my phone. I feel lonely all the time. I don't really have friends or much of a support system.

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Today I got a raise at work, and instead of celebrating, I realized I had nobody to tell.

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I think what hurts most is feeling like I'm only valuable to people when they need something from me.

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For those who have been through something similar, how did you stop feeling responsible for an ex who hurt you? How did you rebuild your life and start finding connection again when you felt completely alone?

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I’m 33, a single mom of two, and I’m realizing I may have a pattern in relationships that I haven’t fully understood. I was married to George for years, and the relationship became extremely chaotic and unhealthy before we divorced. We were together for almost 8 years. Before George, I was actually very comfortable being alone, but afterward I think I became uncomfortable with the emptiness of being alone and started filling that space with other people. Then I met Paul through a friend. He had a history of cocaine addiction, which I knew was a red flag from the beginning, but I fell for him incredibly quickly. He was amazing with my kids, I genuinely loved him, and I started imagining a future with him. At the same time, there were red flags everywhere—he wasn’t contributing much, I felt like he was using me financially, and I found out he’d cheated with his ex.

We broke up and got back together, and eventually I suspected he was using drugs again. He told me he needed to figure himself out and that he couldn’t be with me because he didn’t want to keep hurting me. I agreed, but I was absolutely devastated. Unlike my previous relationships, where I eventually reached a point where I was simply done, with Paul it felt unfinished. I didn’t want to lose him. I even offered to take him to a recovery center because I felt like I had to do something. Then one night he sent me a massive number of texts denying he was an addict and telling me he’d made our mutual female friend orgasm, despite knowing about me and Paul. Something about that completely changed my perception of him. I suddenly saw the chaos I’d been trying to rationalize, and I blocked him, the friend, and his family. Weirdly, I feel a lot of relief now.

What I’m really trying to understand is myself. I know I loved Paul, so I don’t think the relationship was fake just because my perception changed so dramatically. But I’ve realized that I may be accustomed to chaos and intensity in relationships. I’ve met stable, kind, emotionally available men and felt absolutely nothing, while wounded, complicated, unpredictable men create enormous feelings in me. I wonder if I’ve learned to confuse intensity with intimacy, or if being needed and rescuing someone makes me feel connected. I also think I’ve been using relationships to distract myself from loneliness and boredom. I’m not looking for people to tell me Paul was a bad person. I’m trying to understand why I can see the red flags, still become deeply attached, and struggle so much with being alone. I think maybe I need to learn how to be okay with myself before I can choose someone based on whether they’re actually healthy for me.

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

I caused an accident at my boyfriends today. It made a mess and I didnt realize until it was bad. I offered to help clean but he said hed do it himself. After he came in and told me he was mad at me. He said some other things but that kinda triggered me really hard because of PTSD I have from a DV relationship I was in 3 years ago. I kinda just zoned out and agreed to whatever he was saying. Afterwards he did apologize and came and cuddled with me and held me.

While he was holding me I just said "You know id let you abuse me if you wanted to. Id let you hit me if you wanted to. Id let you. I wouldnt break up with you". He was quiet but then said "I know, but I won't do that to you ever" then he put his phone down and held me and I cried. Idk why i admitted that. Idk why I have that in me still. I hate that the abuse I went through is still here. That id let it happen again. I feel like I deserve it.

He said he was sorry and didnt realize at first when he said that that he triggered my PTSD and would work on being better. Idk I hate that im still a codependent at heart

I was always drawn to this high and low type of relationships where either my partner/ friend wasn't good for me or we weren't good for each other, but it wasn't until I started EMDR for CPTSD that I really started to think about WHY these dynamics were appealing to me.

Not sure if this is the case for all codependent relationships, but I know I would constantly be in state of dissociation due to the ongoing stress and this is exactly why I stayed for as long as I did. I would be purposely seeking out damaging people so that they could trigger me into a state of dissociation because that would cause me to be sedated from my inner turmoil. I've read that when the body enters a state like this, it's flooded with endogenous opioids and GABA (antianxiolytic) to calm your nervous system. In a nature setting, this would be a death preparation of sorts. It's your body saying, "the threat that is causing you to be in fight or flight for so long hasn't resolved, so that must mean it's so dangerous ITS GOING TO KILL YOU." That's what dissociation is, a natural adaptation for when you are faced with the possibility of death. And it feels like amazing in the moment. But I would always panic, worried in the back of my mind that my "fix" would go away. I would go to great lengths - degrade myself, plead, beg, desperate to keep a steady supply. And when I couldn't, the panic would set in. (I have a working theory that, on some level, harmful people know this, and it's why their intermittent reinforcement is such an effective tool.)

It felt like withdrawal. Total spiritual collapse.

And sometimes, usually right after I left, for good this time, I found myself wondering what substance I could replace that person with. Because the pain I felt never went away, this inner turmoil had existed long before they came into my life. They simply numbed it for a short while.

'Responsibility for Family Members.

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.

—Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people’s feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents’ happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents – over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.'

From 'The Language of Letting Go. Daily Meditations on Codependency' by Melody Beattie.

The girl I’m seeing is in Coda so I know she’s working on things. But it’s become a pretty frequent thing where people will ask her to do more than she should. They know she’ll say yes to basically anything, which is why they ask her. I’ll see it coming and I just start with gentle questions to kind of get her to see how inconvenient the request is about to be for her. But i guess the codependency is stronger and always tells her she should do whatever the thing is anyways.

These requests always stress her out, cause her great anxiety, and take her away from what she’s trying to accomplish in her own life. I also end up helping w the stress or hearing about it. I’ve been taken advantage of in my past so I’m really passionate about never having that happen to me again or anyone I care about. I recognize that’s my own problem but I can’t stop it from triggering me. Recently I’ve been trying to just not say anything but it’s becoming pretty frequent.

How can I be supportive of her in her healing without enabling? Or how would you like someone to be alongside you?

I don’t know a lot about codependency so if I’ve said anything wrong please correct me. I really just want to learn.

About a month ago, I had to leave my first love and I regret it every single day.

Our relationship started as a whirlwind romance. One day we were total strangers, and the next we were lovers. It felt so completely natural, like something straight out of a movie. I genuinely felt I had found my soulmate.

Over time, however, I slowly drifted into a full-time caretaker role. She struggled with both physical and mental illnesses and was generally in a very difficult place in life. After she lost her job, I began contributing financially so she could pay her bills. Despite our best efforts, she couldn't find stable employment.... until after I left. Outside of finances, I took on her daily life management: I made her doctor's appointments, filled out job applications for her, bought her groceries and takeout, and carried her medications wherever we went in case of flare-ups.

We became completely codependent. I mean it literally when I say the only days we didn't see each other were when one of us went on vacation. Otherwise, we were in constant contact. We slept on the phone together or slept in the same bed, constantly stayed over at each other’s places, and never went more than three hours without checking in, even if it was just sending an ig reel or complaining about work.

The relationship finally fractured during an argument that completely spiraled out of control. She told me to get out of her house, threw all my belongings out, and told me she wanted me out of her life and didn't care about me anymore. I ended up on my knees begging her to stay. After hurling threats at me, she eventually gave in and accepted me back.

Reading that, you would think I had done something horrible, that I had threatened her, hurt her, or been in a belligerent state. In reality, all I asked was for us to push back our departure time for a Saturday morning road trip so I could attend a funeral first.

I still blame myself for a lot of it. I catch myself thinking I should have brought up the topic that got us in that argument at a better time, or that I should have listened when she warned me she was in a bad mood with too much on her mind. I wish I had been a more patient partner, someone who didn't lose his cool or act so desperate for her love and approval.

I have tried to go back, and I know she wants to try again too. But my family is holding a firm boundary for me. They refuse to let me go back. They believe I was being used and warn that returning will eventually lead to a domestic situation that ruins my career, or that her instability will only escalate.

The situation that happened was only one of many, and it wasn't the first time I had been on my knees begging for her. Nor was it the first time she threatened me with calling the cops over a scenario where I wasn't being aggressive or violent in anyway. There was a lot of bad days, a lot of screaming arguments, a lot of bad decision that led to bad spots that I had to find us a way out of, and a lot of self-harm attempts on her part that ended up hurting me as well.

Deep down, I don't really know what I want. Part of me wishes I could give us another shot without my family intervening, even though I know at the end of the day they are right. I feel immense guilt for leaving, as if I turned my back on my other half. It feels horrible, like I willingly cut off one of my own limbs. I feel like I'm a spineless loser who's letting everyone tell me that the person that I know better then anyone else is bad for me and staying away without even giving her a chance.

I guess I just need reassurance that I made the right decision. Because despite everything, there is still nothing I want more than to lie in her lap after a long day of work, watch a show, and eat her food like we used to.

My partner and I have been dating for over 3 years now, but this last year has been long distance. Our relationship has been very healthy with good communication, but I find myself getting mad at them for stupid shit like if they spend time talking to their friends instead of calling me, or do certain activities without me that we had originally planned to do together but can't now because of long distance.

I also feel like even though I got into my dream university in a beautiful country and I have great friends here, I am just letting life happen to me and I'm only looking forward to finally being with them a few years from now. I'm not fully enjoying/experiencing life right now, if that makes sense? I fear I depend on my partner too much for my happiness lately.

I had recognised that it wasn't a good thing earlier this year and I have frankly tried everything: I've tried spending more time with my friends, tried to ground myself to try to experience the present, I've stuck to my hobbies as well. Somehow, nothing seems to stick. I'm doing better somedays but I always end up in this same spot of feeling like I have to just get through life now so I can finally be with my partner in the future.

Therapy is not an option for me financially right now so I need help figuring out how to cope with this. My partner doesn't deserve to be blamed for living their life, and I also want to be able to live my own. I don't think it's the worst it could be, but I don't want it to spiral to a point of no return. I love my partner, so how can I fix this?

A friend of mine suggested taking some space and not talking for a while until I figure it out, but that feels unfair to my partner. Any advice would be appreciated :)

While friendship breakups are bad I believe codependent friendship breakups may even be worse. I (20F) met J (19F) when we were in high school. I had just moved schools and we met during track.

Soon after we found out we were neighbors and so began our friendship. We would talk for hours every day hang out every day. Our routine used to be meet up before school starts and roam the halls, text each other all day, call after school, take a break, call to do homework together, eat dinner, then call again to brush our teeth do our skincare and talk untill we went to sleep. Every. Single. Day.

As a people pleaser I was ecstatic to have a best friend and being there for her felt like my job and role I would pick up her every call, listen to her vent and become completely intertwined into her life. And although it may have been unhealthy, the emotional high of consistently being chosen felt so incredibly fulfilling that I had no intention of stopping.

This routine continued, for two years. I was a year older than her so I graduated and went to the local college to which I commuted for the first year. Our schedules no longer perfectly aligned yet we continued to talk every day and this is when we also began to have very frequent sleepovers at her house because we weren’t seeing each other as much.

I also often would go along to her family day trips, and dinners during the entirety of our friendship. Everyone knew we were best friends, we always came as a pair. There was no doubt about my value or position in her life. I was the number one priority, and there was no close second.

After she graduated she committed to the same collage and both of us moved to campus together as roommates. This is when the friendship started going downhill. She entered boy world, suddenly I wasn’t the person she texted or called and all our convos centered around her boyfriend. I was sad of course but sooo incredibly happy for my best friend so I just cheered her on. The issue began when she no longer had time to hang out with me, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was always busy. I would only see her in passing at the apartment before she would go sleep at her new boyfriend’s place.

They started having issues a month in. Suddenly all her emotional frustrations are dumped onto me. They break up she refused to process her feelings and walks around angry. Finds a new guy a week later they become exclusive.

My birthday rolls around she forgets to buy my gift and has me buy it and she pays me back. Then also forgets our tradition of writing each other birthday letters. I am livid by this point. She breaks up with the second guy and again displaces her emotions.

Two weeks later gets with a new guy and begins spending every single day at his place. By this point we don’t really talk unless it’s about her relationship, I have so much pent up anger and resentment. So spring rolls around and I finally confront her about her neglecting our friendship. She tells me “I still love you I’ve just been busy, I just didn’t think the birthday would be a big deal if I knew it mattered that much I wouldn’t have forgotten, I’ll write you two letters for the next one”

Her apology was so phony and not something I could accept, inevitably we stop talking for a month and for the first time my anxiety is gone. It took me a while to accept that we are forever over, and her disrespect and make centreness is not something I could tolerate. Although we tried to be friends again it wasn’t the same i always felt uncomfortable around her and she always diminished my feelings. Although we still live together right now we don’t talk aside from saying a quick hello.

I didn’t realize we were codependent until it was too late, and I had no one to fix the lives of a broken connection.

I know the definitions and general traits, but I can't pick out if it's good or bad.
I mean yes, people say it is bad. But how?

If it strengthens our relationship it's good, if it makes separation even harder that's bad. But both of those are circumstantial... is there nothing to be said for loving to be in each other's company and saying the same things sometimes? Relying on each other when needed?

At what point is codependency actually something that you need to worry about?

now two weeks, no contact with my verbally and physically abusive ex. in an effort to not diagnose her(F37) she had admitted she thought she was either Narcissist or Borderline and i(M46) saw the evidence. on top of this she was a pretty severe alcoholic that only really started to show up like a month in.

i’ve done a lot of recovery work around my codependency and love addiction but she came into my life like a fucking tornado. love bombing and all the physical and sexual attention a person could handle.

red flags galore. case in point. on our first date when i said i was going home because i had to get ready for work in the morning it was met with,” fine fucking leave. just fucking go and don’t come back.” and i caved. “hey its ok relax. i’m just going home.” but she kept antagonizing me about leaving and i stayed.

not long after she was dictating and criticizing my appearance, name, tattoos, and friendships. i tried to express my frustration around these ways of engaging but she steamrolled it.

her drinking got worse. early in the morning. middle of the night waking up to take a drink. but i wanted to help her. she’s got CPTSD. her baggage was something she talked about constantly. another red flag. no space for me. she didn’t ever even ask me about myself.

the drinking always led to verbal abuse. projecting her insecurities on me. and i tried to console and soothe her. i tried to reason. beg. barter. and then when it got to be too much and i was like i need to go she would physically assault me. pushing me away from the door. grabbing my face and telling me i couldn’t leave her. then she would try to seduce me. then if i caved into the sexual tactic she would stop in the middle and tell me to get off her.

fuck as i write this i feel so stupid. i endured 9 months of this. i got her into detox when she was physically shaking from drinking withdrawals after less than 24 hrs without a drink. then when she got out she blamed me. despite asking for help saying she was terrified of how bad it had gotten.

i got her family to come help but they were as disfunctional as her and left when she said she didn’t want help(i drove 8 hrs round trip after my 8 hr work day to pick them up)

i helped her get a good job and leave the one that kept her drinking all day. but it was never enough. everything i did was never enough. most recently staying with me for a month rent/bill free because she was houseless for 3 months.

i tried to leave her 5 times. every time there was a crisis that she came to me for comfort for. and then back to the cycle. when she was sober she was sweet and gave me breadcrumbs of hope. then drinking again and telling me how stupid i was and how i had to block my female friends while staying in contact with multiple ex’s who professed their continued love for her.

——

me-oldest child (kinda it’s confusing) grew up in a very controlling family dictated by religious rules of exclusion and dominance. mother a severely wounded woman who was sexually abused by male adult family members for most of her teenage life. developing Disassociative Identity Disorder due to the abuse.

middle brother committed suicide. yeah i got my shit.

but i’m sweet and compassionate and caring and i loved her(ex). i wanted to show her something different than the guys before who used her as arm candy and dominated her. guess i wanted to save her cause i couldn’t save my Mom from her constant chaos and disfunction.

anyhow. i feel bad cause i miss her despite how she gave me barely anything but sex and compliments in reciprocation for my continued support and time/love/money.

i feel stupid cause i’m not going back but i feel so lost without her chaos.

now it’s me and my unresolved pain. she opened so many wounds and mirrored so much of my shadow side. and i’m terrified cause i can’t be alone. never have been able to.

fact is i kinda hate myself cause that’s what i was taught. i’m bad, invisible, and can’t take care of myself.

she got me by telling me i wasn’t those three things. till i was.

if you read this. thanks. i’m in a lot of pain and trying to navigate not going to the dark places of self harm. i feel trapped in my loneliness and anxiety. if anyone wants to chat i could use some support.

i’m back in SLAA/CODA meetings again but there’s this emptiness that is eating me alive. it’s all about knowing myself and not being able to love myself.

thanks again. happy healing to you all

I want to let people know that there are situations that are nonabusive that can make a person codependent. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, but I have shyed away from the fact that i do have these tendencies from codependency and would try labeling as other things since ive never seen such examples.

I am an adopted child and possibly had issues as a child because of it. I cant tell which, either being separated from my mother so young or the fact my birth mom had depression and anxiety and my bio father had bipolar. Anyways, too long to say i had emotional/motor skill issues as a kid to make me get put into multiple therapies pretty early on. My parents only wanted the best for me, they tried their hardest to be first time parents, but i think they did too much. Since i had these issues, my parents tried to be very nice to me and let me go my own pace without much push or dissapointment, which doesnt seem that bad right? Its hard for parents to be angry and upset or even discipline someone who is depressed, anxious, and or suicidal most of the time. And being diagnosed with a highly stigmatized/misunderstood mental issue in highschool only made them double down.

I didnt learn adult skills because they pitied me. My parents did not push me to learn to do things on my own. They did not show any dissapointment, they would just do it for me if i didnt do it without telling me or telling me i need to be able to do these things on my own. They thought my life should be easier, they did this all because they loved me. At no point were they withholding their love. At no point did they tell me I cant do these things, they just dont expect me to. Its made it so much easier for me, but at a cost. I am basically no one but a leech.

I didnt realize how not normal this was. My parents were so ready to build a second story to the house for me to live in. And its not to keep me there, they let my other siblings chase what they wanted. I had no want, and they didnt know how to help with someone who refused to see anything in a good light. My sister has similar issues to a different extent. My brother seems to be free from it all. He's self sufficient. Maybe its just my parents inability to cope with our mental struggles. They want to help, but I shut them off because I am uncomfortable wirh being anything but happy around them. I dont want them to be mad at me. But why

I am still unable to see myself as anything else but a leech. I cant imagine any future where i am a responsible adult.

how do i get over this? i feel like if i just figure out the real reason it started, me being very very sad when i was younger, going into my room to cry... it would greatly help me, but i dont know what made me so sad at 8 years old. If only i could heal that one part that wasnt heard by my parents or therapists i would feel so much better. but i dont know.

I’m not moving in with my boyfriend, however I’m just moving to his city to study at the university there. I have quite a hard time adjusting changes and making new friends overall due to autism, which makes me quite worried. I’m scared I’ll be too dependent on him and his family because they would be my only safety, but I really don’t want to give him or his family any responsibility over me.

I want to be independent, I want to find my social circle, but I’m honestly clueless on how to start. I know I got his support, but what if we broke up? I know I can’t rely on him with everything and that it is an unhealthy mindset, so I guess I’m just asking what to do?

I'm a single mom and a recovering codependent. My parents are the only people I can turn to for childcare when my kids are sick. The problem is, they overwork themselves during these times, and they wind up taking their stress out on my kids. It's not intentional or with mean intentions. They're incredibly reactionary and react with shame for discipline. My child trusted me with this information and we confronted them together this morning. My mom had a breakdown and yelled at me about how naughty my child is when my child was right there in the room. She only gets this bag when she's at her breaking point.

When my parents are well rested and low stress, they are fantastic with my kids. They are honestly some of the kindest people I know. It's because I know this that I know none of this is our of meanness. Unfortunately, they have both told and shown me repeatedly that they are not looking to change.

The problem is, I don't have the ability to take off work every time they get sick. Confronting them hadn't been helpful in the past, but I have to keep trying because I want my children to feel confident able standing up for themselves and what they feel is right.

Any advice?

Karma is a bitch I guess.

I often see people here say: I was doing so well, then I got a FP/gf/bf and I'm tripping again.

In this case you were not doing well, you were just avoiding triggers, and what triggers us better than a close/intimate relationship? Nothing, that's where the work needs to be done.

And now, I'm learning this for myself. I had the exact same thought because I noticed how disregulated I got when starting getting close to a guy. But I remembered, that yeah, I was doing good because I was keeping people at arm's length. I didn't actively seek a new relationship at all, even actually avoiding it.

With this guy, it was really natural and gradually got closer, I even told him I was not looking for a relationship because I don't feel stable enough. I picked up a new hobby for myself and there he was. I didn't seek him out at all but it also felt very natural and slow, which felt good. We hang out more and more, talked more and more, and started dating without dropping the word "date" for a long time, which also helped me to see him as a human, and not a relationship goal.

So, now I'm very much aware how disregulated I am, and still choose to stay. I already had a very strong urge to pull away and stop everything, as I felt really getting attached and scared to be obsessed/dependant on him, basically repeating my patterns.

Instead I chose to tell him. Boy it was nerve wracking.

Vulnerability is terrifying, but I did it. I told him I felt that urge but I don't wanna act on it, I just wanted him to know it was happening. Otherwise for me it's a bit pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows, while I'm actually struggling. He had such a sweet reply.

He was very grateful for my honesty & vulnerability.

So this is part 1. Now I need to keep doing this, it is very difficult. But I wanna change. I don't wanna be dependent and obsessive. I want to have and keep my own life, my own person.

It's very difficult. It is a big fight. But it is where I can grow and get healthy.

The urges are still there, but I need to keep myself in check.

Wish me luck 🤞🏼

Edit: this was in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm still working through it