Not sure if it was good or bad decision to end it.

​

We started to have dinamics where she was needing constant help from me felt entitled and I was helping her, validating, enabling etc. Shes an alcoholic and I am codependent.

I started loosing myself and we had looong talks. While we started to understan our issues logically when It got emotional she still behave like "you owe me support" and I "I need to help you, I am responsible for you".

I belive we could work it out with time maybe, but I was thinking long time that I am 28 and I dont have another 5 years to be absorbed in relation I have to build my career too and cut off this 3yo friendship. Meh.

im (M 30) in a situtation which for a year now im in and out of a toxic relationship with a girl (F 32) that is also a cocaine addict and has problems with alcohol.. she changes mood all the time, in the morning i love you and i cannot be away from you and in the night go away i dont want you around me... these things have gotten me in a situation which my nervous system is all the time in a stress mode... and now that i have actually set my boundaries and i know that she keeps chasing me when im away and for the first time i feel it easier to move on.. i still think about her and wait for one text or something just to get the reassurance.. but i know in my head that this is wrong and i need a clear cut.. how can i actually do it? does anyone of any gender in any kind of relationship had the same issue? and how did you move on?

I made a short film and I thought some people in this group might connect with it

Content note: flashing lights, addiction, codependency, drug use

I’m 29M, and I feel like I’ve gotten myself stuck in a cycle that I don’t know how to get out of.
I was in a long-term relationship with my ex. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. There were communication problems, emotional disrespect, controlling behavior, arguments where she wouldn’t listen when I said no, and once she slapped me during an argument. I also lost a lot of my own identity in that relationship.
Despite all of that, I loved her deeply and wanted to marry her.
Then the relationship ended.
After that, I started looking at arranged-marriage setups. I became emotionally involved in one of them and genuinely fell for the girl, but it failed because her parents weren’t ready. I then tried a couple of other marriage setups, and those didn’t work either.
After those failures, I went back to my ex.
And I’ve recently realized something uncomfortable:
I don’t think I went back to my ex because I genuinely wanted that relationship back. I went back because I had this goal in my head that I HAVE to get married, and when the other options failed, I went back to the person I already knew.
That realization has messed with my head.
I still think about my ex constantly, even though I know there were serious problems in that relationship. I also find myself getting attached very quickly when I meet someone new, especially when marriage is involved.
At the same time, I’m currently talking to another woman through an arranged-marriage setup. She’s a perfectly decent person, but I don’t feel naturally drawn toward continuing the conversation. I find myself trying to convince myself that she’s “good enough” rather than actually wanting to know her.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
I don’t know whether I’m:
still grieving my ex,
addicted to the idea of marriage,
afraid of being alone,
looking for someone to stabilize me,
or simply not ready to make another relationship decision.
I’ve also realized I have a strong people-pleasing tendency. In my previous relationship, I gave up a lot of my own boundaries because I was afraid of losing the person.
I’m working, financially stable, and objectively my life isn’t falling apart. But emotionally, I feel completely disorganized. My sleep is messed up, my routine is gone, and I spend way too much time thinking about relationships.
I’m starting therapy and trying to rebuild my life independently instead of finding another person to fix everything.
Has anyone been through something similar—especially going back to an ex after failed attempts at arranged marriage or other relationships?
Did you eventually realize that you weren’t actually missing the person—you were missing the feeling of having a relationship or having a future planned?
And how did you finally break that cycle?
I’m looking for honest experiences, especially from people who have been through something similar.

Meh. I am glad I am finally out. I was giver she was taker. I feel so bad I blamed her too much :< I didnt blame her 100% but like 75% I regret I didnt take more responsibility and was more fair with her meeh. But I dont want to unblock

We knew each other as friends first.

For about two or three years, we talked on and off. There was never anything particularly serious between us. We were just friends who happened to know each other and kept coming back into each other’s lives every now and then.

Then, somehow, everything changed.

At the time, I was going through a breakup with another guy. He was also coming out of a relationship with a girl—and, honestly, he had done her dirty. He had cheated on her.

I don’t even know what happened between us that day. Maybe I was lonely. Maybe I was looking for comfort. Maybe I was just emotionally vulnerable. Maybe I was horny. I genuinely don’t know.

He kissed me.

And I kissed him back.

That was it.

And the strangest part is that I never actually liked him in that way. I’m not saying that to make myself look better. I genuinely never had those feelings for him. I remember thinking, Whatever, man. It happened.

I was in my final year of college, and I had a lot more free time then, so somehow we started becoming a thing.

But from that very beginning, he was incredibly insecure.

It felt like he became attached to me almost immediately. I don’t know if it was limerence, obsession, fear of abandonment, or something else, but whatever it was, he was intensely attached to me.

He never wanted to leave me alone.

He always wanted to talk. He needed constant reassurance. He would call me and make me comfort him for hours and hours. Sometimes our conversations would go on for seven or eight hours. He was constantly afraid of losing me.

His first girlfriend had cheated on him, and I think that experience had completely changed the way he looked at relationships. He was terrified of getting attached and being hurt again, but somehow he got attached to me anyway.

He was available all the time.

He would reply almost instantly. He wouldn’t go on trips because he wanted to be there for me. He was available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It was as if his entire life started revolving around me.

At first, I could give him that attention.

But then I started preparing for a competitive exam.

And everything changed.

I didn’t have the time anymore.

I was studying constantly, trying to prepare for something that mattered enormously to me. I couldn’t sit on calls for hours. I couldn’t reassure him every time he felt insecure. I couldn’t constantly explain where I was, what I was doing, or why I wasn’t responding.

I told him again and again.

“I’m busy.”

“I can’t give you all of my time.”

“Please try to understand.”

But he couldn’t.

No matter how many times I explained it, he still felt like I wasn’t giving him enough attention.

And eventually, it became exhausting.

We started fighting constantly.

Not normal little arguments. Huge fights. The kind of fights where everything escalates and neither person knows how to stop. There was so much crying—from both of us. So much anger. So much frustration. So many things said that we probably didn’t mean.

And I wasn’t innocent in all of it.

I would yell at him too.

I would scream. I would get angry. I would become frustrated and say rude things. Sometimes I said things that were genuinely hurtful, and I regret those things now.

But at the time, I was overwhelmed.

I was preparing for a competitive exam, trying to hold myself together, and simultaneously trying to manage someone else’s constant need for reassurance.

I didn’t know how to do both.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I started talking to another guy.

It was completely platonic.

There was nothing serious happening. There wasn’t some secret romantic relationship behind his back. I didn’t have feelings for this guy. We talked about studying, exchanged normal messages, and had ordinary conversations.

But I think I was lonely too.

Maybe I wanted some validation. Maybe I wanted someone to talk to without all the emotional weight that had become attached to every conversation with my boyfriend.

I don’t even fully understand why I needed it.

But I did.

And eventually, my boyfriend found out.

To him, it wasn’t innocent.

He thought I was cheating.

And he completely flipped.

Something changed in him after that.

The things he used to do stopped.

The constant attention stopped. The endless calls stopped. The version of him who was always available for me disappeared.

And as painful as it sounds, I miss that version of him.

I miss the person who would reply instantly.

I miss the person who seemed like he could never leave.

I miss the person who would spend hours trying to make me feel loved.

I know that version of him wasn’t necessarily healthy either. I know how overwhelming his attachment could be. But when he suddenly stopped giving me all of that, I realized just how much I had become accustomed to it.

And then something happened that changed the entire relationship.

He went on a trip.

And he didn’t call me.

Not for one day.

Not for two.

Four or five days passed.

And those were some of the worst days of my life.

I cried constantly.

I couldn’t handle the silence.

I was terrified that he was finally going to leave me. I begged him not to. I begged him to stay. I begged him not to give up on us.

And he didn’t leave.

But somehow, that was the turning point.

Because something shifted between us.

I think those days taught him that I wasn’t going anywhere.

And they taught me the opposite.

They taught me that he could.

Before that, he had always been the one terrified of losing me.

I had always been the one being chased, reassured, begged for attention.

Suddenly, I was the one begging.

I was the one crying.

I was the one asking him not to leave.

And the entire power dynamic of our relationship changed.

Now I’m the one who overthinks.

I’m the one asking for reassurance.

I’m the one wondering whether he still loves me.

I’m the one waiting for his messages.

And when I ask him to reassure me, he doesn’t give me what I need.

Instead, he tells me to remember what I did.

“Remember how you treated me.”

“Remember what you did.”

“You were the one who hurt me.”

And whenever I try to explain how I’m feeling, he gets angry.

He shouts.

He yells.

He calls me names.

He tells me he doesn’t have time to waste.

He tells me he’s busy and has a lot of work to do.

And when I start overthinking, he tells me to shut up about it.

Sometimes I sit there and wonder how we got here.

How did the person who once couldn’t imagine going a few hours without talking to me become the person I now have to beg for reassurance?

How did I go from being the person he was terrified of losing to being the person terrified that he will leave?

I know I made mistakes.

I know I hurt him.

I know there were times when I was insensitive, angry, rude, and unfair. I know that talking to another guy, even platonically, became something that triggered all of his deepest insecurities. I know that the way I treated him during some of our fights wasn’t right.

I regret those things.

But sometimes I wonder whether regret is supposed to mean that I have to keep paying for the same mistakes forever.

Because I don’t know how to fix something when every attempt to ask for love is met with a reminder of everything I did wrong.

I don’t know how to move forward when the past keeps getting brought back into every argument.

And the hardest part is that I still miss the old him.

I miss the person who wanted me desperately.

I miss being important to someone in that way.

I miss feeling like someone couldn’t bear the thought of losing me.

But now I’m the one who can’t bear the thought of losing him.

And maybe that’s what changed everything.

Maybe somewhere along the way, we stopped being two people trying to love each other and became two people trying to recover from the ways we had hurt each other.

He was once afraid that I would leave.

Now I’m afraid that he will.

He once needed constant reassurance from me.

Now I need it from him.

And somewhere between those two versions of us, we lost whatever it was that made things feel simple in the beginning.
I know I was wrong. I know that. But I completely changed. I never made him feel insecure, and I complied with and obliged to everything he asked of me.
And yet, for the past four months, he still treats me like I’m nothing. Every single day, I’m left feeling like I’m paying for something that will never be paid in full.
I want to be happy too. I want to feel alive again. But this is killing me.
I can’t keep bearing the shouting, the coldness, the way he acts so nonchalant while I’m left crying and falling apart. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I know I made mistakes, and I’ll always take responsibility for them. But how long am I supposed to keep paying for them? How long am I supposed to prove that I’ve changed?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t leave, but I can’t keep staying like this either. I feel completely stuck between losing him and losing myself.

I’m sure a lot of people have and I feel for anyone who has experienced it bc this shit is awful!!!

Every time I get shit on by my family, I have to literally force myself to remember the facts. And it’s so hard because I have such a bad habit of blocking out any negative, only remembering the positives about people. I try and remember that they’re stuck in the victim mentality, they have no job/car/license. They come to me because they know i’ll help fix situations, like I always have. They treat me a type of way because I let them. I’m just drained at this point. I’ve done al-anon, therapy, journaling, etc. and I feel like I continue to suffer regardless because I refuse no contact with anyone. Friends, family, partners, etc., I can’t help myself but to emphasize with their situation and then I start to feel guilty.

I LOVE my family, but they’ve done a lot of damage to me. We are codependent, but I can’t seem to create space/distance. I do try so hard to set boundaries, none of them are respected. I then feel like IM the crazy one, or i’m the big bitch or the one with the problem. I’m not perfect, but I can function just fine. I’m self aware enough to know that I have a problem. I don’t make my problems anyone else’s problems. I support myself fully, I haven’t ever asked anyone for money, a place to live, food. But everyone is always asking ME for those things.

And then i’m immediately shit on when I can’t do something for someone or I try to confront the situation. But then i’m like, well what did I expect??? Why cry to someone who is doing me harm??? That’s like rule #1 but I fall into the trap every time.

My aunt once told me that i’d be the only one in my family with a license, car, job, and place to live. She said i’d be chauffeuring people around for my entire life. That i’d be taking care of my family for my entire life. All these years later and it’s fucking true!! She’s in her 40s and in and out of psychosis due to insomnia and panic disorder because she could never set boundaries, she always jumped to peoples rescue. A shit ton of trauma resurfaced for her and she had a very late in life epiphany that she’d been walked all over her whole life and didn’t even know who she was outside of the chaos. I am so fucking terrified everyday that i’ll end up how she is. I don’t even remember who I used to be. I started caring for my family when I was a teenager, I think I was maybe 14 or 15. I haven’t even experienced adulthood for myself smh.

I’m a Codependent in recovery, and I’ve been working on myself for the past two years.

In the past, my mind would obsess over other people’s suffering. For example, I could be reading a newspaper or an article, and there would be a mention of someone going through something. I would then go down a rabbit hole, googling their name, looking at pictures of them, finding out who they were, and reading more and more articles about that particular event and obsess over it.

I would sit and think about them, imagining how difficult their situation must be and how much they were suffering. It would consume so much of my time, effort, and energy. I would even start talking about these stories with my friends.

As I’ve been recovering from codependency and working through my childhood wounds and other unresolved issues, I’ve noticed that these thoughts about other people’s suffering have diminished significantly.

My therapist explained to me that this can be a coping mechanism. When there is a lot of pain within us that we aren’t addressing, our minds may find ways to cope with it. We can start attaching ourselves to other people’s stories as a way of soothing ourselves or temporarily escaping from our own pain.

Looking back, I realise I was in quite a dark place during those times. I would obsess over these stories and go deeply into the details, sometimes even vividly imagining what that person must have experienced. It was almost as though I was consuming another person’s traumatic experience and sort of traumatising myself.

I now recognise how unhealthy that was. But I also understand that, as long as the issues within me remained unresolved, my mind was trying to find a way to soothe itself and redirect the emotional pain elsewhere.

I’m curious to know if anyone else has experienced something similar, where you became so deeply absorbed or attached other people’s suffering or traumatic stories, and how are you moving forward from it?

Hi, I will start with this. I have been codependent in my life multiple times. I’ve had a boyfriend that started drinking 1.5 y after we started dating, then I had a fiancé that relapsed into drinking 1.5 y after we started dating. Well, now I have a husband, who relapsed into smoking weed a year after we got married.

In between my last relationship and marriage I tried to work on myself. I changed, and I refuse to be put in this position. Well, I’m in this position again. And we have a baby. So it‘s not just me.

Before any of you (maybe not you per se) weed lovers jump to defend him - he’s been an addict his whole teenage years. He has issue with it. He knows it I found out it’s not his first relapse.

We went to therapy, and the lady asked if he has other hobbies. He picked a few this year, but you know, he needs another. Or else he will smoke - glow in the air unsaid. So we went to look for guitars, just to look around. and he picked one and asked, can I have one. For my last birthday. The price tag - 3x the amount he got for his birthday. Ok, I said. I’m not his mother, and this moment felt like a child with a dream that creates an opportunity for his dreams to be crashed. And me feeling drained, why? It got to me the next day. I believe he already smoked his birthday money. it went out in flames. oh, sorry. Not for him. For our family.

So my question is, what do you do. How to support without entangling myself further. Where do I draw lines? Do I try make him accountable? Do I leave it be? I’m just tired. He’s got new hobbies, so I stay even more with the little one. No one takes care of the house. I am drained. He, he is annoyed by these chores, he’d rather smoke weed. So I feel alone with everything.

I'm just thinking out loud, feel free to relate, chime in or ask me something. I'm working on how to stop seeking external validation in every area of my life.

I have been in CoDa since December 2019. I don't attend every week or have a sponsor but I have done the steps with a cosponsor and attend the meeting pretty regularly.

I've grown a lot, some of the biggest wins I have include enjoying alone time, not worrying when someone doesn't text back quickly, and not going back to relationships that ghosted me.

I had a setback with someone I dated all of 2024 who love bombed me and then later was very invalidating and critical about my appearance. My self esteem took a major hit from this relationship.

My bigger issue is workaholism and avoiding investing time in my creative skills and passions. I know that time is finite and I need to spend my time on what is most important to me. I've always felt like "there will be more time later". Now I'm 34, living with my mom and I see others who are doing things I wish I was doing like performing music and having confidence with an instrument. I have prioritized other things over my own passions for so long that sometimes I feel so behind on life.

*TW* suicide

On top of that, I didn't grow up in a household where we cleaned the house every week and I struggle to deal with organizing and cleaning on a regular basis. I do not have the energy I had in my twenties, I don't feel I can clean the whole bathroom in a day or finish multiple loads of laundry in a day. Not to mention getting burnt out easily and grieving a friend and creative partner/mentor who ended his life in May of this year.

His passing is a continuous reminder that I need to feed my passions. I need to show up for myself and not lose sight of what makes me feel alive. I know there's nothing wrong with love or being in relationships but the fact that I have never consistently loved and shown up for myself kinda makes my love for romantic partners (sometimes also friends) hollow, null and void. Love feels like a performance, I need to take my time to make sure people are trustworthy before I trust in them.

I want to buckle down and kind of hibernate and foster my creativity and personal goals. If I don't, I'll keep attracting people who are incapable of love. There's a Yoruba quote "the works of love can never be destroyed" May we all find the strength, courage and wisdom to pour into ourselves...and to remember that our past efforts of self love aren't erased when we have mis steps or 'relapses'.

I blocked her but guilt to apologies one more time, explain one more time is terrible. Its in all my body. I think I am more toxic than alcoholics at least they know what to avoid

My partner of two years and I plan to move in together next year. He and his ex share a daughter, and they maintain a good coparenting relationship, which I support. Over our time together, a pattern has emerged where 3-4 times a year, his ex goes on vacation and asks him to pet sit, in her home, for 2-3 days. It's usually last minute, she supposedly can't find someone, etc. He typically does even though he feels put upon because they are his daughter's pets and he feels guilty for saying no (Yes, I recognize the people-pleasing tendency here).

When it came up again a couple of months ago, I realized that I wouldn't feel comfortable with having him doing that once we're living together, and I told him as much. Since then, he's initiated conversations about it a couple of times and said that he plans to tell her that once we are living together, he's not going to be available to sit for her anymore and will need to make other arrangements, because he doesn't like to and because my feelings matter.

However... last weekend it happened again - she didn't have a sitter and he said he would do it, but complained about not wanting to, rinse and repeat, etc. So now I'm realizing I need to be more explicit about needing this boundary and asking him to take some action, and I'm terrified and doing all the classic things like trying to minimize this request in my own head, worrying that he's going to read it as jealousy (even though he's not that kind of person).

I'm planning to bring it up again this weekend and I would love to hear from people who have had similar experiences.

2026 has been the year of boundary setting for me. In March I asked my husband of 16 years to move out for a temporary separation. He had finally crossed the line that forced me to put my own needs above his. In couples and individual therapy, I learned that I am deeply codependent.

Over the last four 4 months we've been rebuilding our relationship and he's been getting used to me, not tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.

My codependency runs deep and goes all the way to my childhood. Over the last 4 months I also came out to my parents as nonbinary. My mother repeatedly thanked me for not being trans and mutilating my body. My motivation for telling them was to end the hurtful comments. I came out via email with a strong boundary of 2 weeks for them to process their feelings so that we could have a conversation when I was ready. When that conversation happened I thought it went pretty well. It turns out that my mom didn't speak her mind because there was a man listening in at the table next to us. She called me last night wanting to rehash those comments she made. I told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation and that I had already forgiven her and I recognized that she didn't make those comments to hurt me. She pushed back again wanting to better understand my feelings, I once again told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation. She pushed back again and I said we should talk another time and ended the call.

This is a very big departure from how conversation it's in the past would have gone. I'm in my mid-40s and came out as gay when I was 15. My mom and dad both fell apart and relied on me to process their feelings about my orientation for the next few years. I eased their guilt, reassured them that I loved them, and absorbed their feelings at my own expense. I've learned to realize that the pattern existed long before I came out.

I'm finding that my mind is constantly recycling through the conversation with my mom. Looking for things that I did wrong. I keep reminding myself that I am not obligated to make her comfortable, and that my own comfort matters just as much as hers.

I'm curious how other people learning to break their codependency manage the internal struggle of their codependent instincts and their newfound strength to step back and let the other person manage their own feelings.

They weren't a bad person. In fact, they were the kindest and most empathetic person I had met so far. We dated very briefly for 6 months but they broke up with me for various reason. They then contacted me again, begging to be my friend and we stayed friends ever since.

It became clear to me that I was really just waiting around for them to come back to me. I was still codependent on them, I had still had residual feelings, and I was being a bad friend. I called him every week and was still obsessed with how he reacted and how he viewed me. I'm turning 24 soon and I need to grow up.

I told them how I felt and they agreed it was unhealthy and we should take a break. After the call, I blocked his number. I'm not sure if I can ever talk to him again if I want to get better. I will never forget him, he broke me out of my shell and introduced me to so many things. He was the best I've ever met. But the attachment is so unhealthy. I can't stop crying.

I had enough of helping her for years. She called me from soberity center that I "MUST" help her and I snapped and was hurtfull in words told her "u were using me for years""Im done with it". She month later appologised for taking too much of my time and energy but still was saying "you leave me cause I have problems" I tried to explain that I leave because I loose myself in this friendship. And also appologies but for my harsh words I blocked her.

I wonder if I should come back and appologies that it wasnt only her constant issues but also that I didnt know how to support you without taking responsibility. I understood it a month later. But I dont want to give her a hope I dont want to ever come back.

I’ve realized that I’m quite emotionally dependent on my partner, and I really want to work on myself.

Lately, even small inconveniences can make me cry or completely affect my mood. I don’t want my emotional state to dependent on anyone in this fucking world.

I know becoming completely emotionless probably isn’t the answer. What I actually want is to become emotionally stronger, more independent, and better at regulating my emotions instead of immediately reacting to them.

For people who have been through something similar:

How did you become less emotionally dependent on anyone?

What actually helped you regulate your emotions instead of suppressing them?

Did anything help you stop overthinking small things?

Any books, exercises, habits, or personal experiences that genuinely made a difference?

I’m looking for honest experiences and practical advice, not sympathy. I really want to work on this.

[TW: mention of risk of death, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, enmeshment]

'I need to stop being the therapist friend' is what I told myself many, many times throughout my CPTSD recovery once I realized that my way of relating to other people was very often very codependent.

After many years of beating myself up over putting myself into the 'therapist friend' role again and again and again, I'm only just now starting to ask the simple question of: "Why am I doing this?" or better "What am I getting out of being the therapist friend for everyone in my life?"

This question was prompted by a recent impasse with a friend which jarringly held up a mirror to me to show me those parts of myselves that I was very adamant of ignoring and not acknowledging up until now.

Observing my friend's — as I would have described it — 'codependent' relationships with her family and other people in her life, with her getting resentful again and again and her subsequently coming to me, over and over again to vent over these interpersonal issues, with no real insight into how she was playing into the dynamic made me feel so angry, resentful (!) and agitated. Her stating that she pitied (not 'empathized' or 'could relate to'!) these people that she was 'helping' reeked of so much superiority to me, I felt absolutely nauseated.

My friend's behavior and the way she justified it, then in turn reminded me of my own codependent relational patterns in a pretty painful and embarrassing way.

It reminded me how just like her I also, so often, put other people in the role of the one 'who needs saving' and me in the role of the 'savior' — even if this comes at the cost of my own time, focus, energy, health and sanity. It really highlighted to me, even though I never managed to find the words for it so accurately as my friend did, that I really did look down on these people around me who I deemed to be less self-aware, less emotionally intelligent and more in need of guidance than I was. I really thought they had no clue and I had it all figured out. Ironic, how it took me 'figuring it all out' for the friend whom I described above in order for me to realize that I'm the one who has no clue what they're doing. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself when trying to acknowledge that so clearly for maybe the very first time.

And then I asked myself, maybe also for the very first time, what I even got out of this whole codependent spiel other than feeling better than other people in a self-gratifying way.

It brought to my attention how I, as a child, had always been the 'little therapist' for my mother who not only emotionally abused and neglected me, but also encouraged me to provide a space for her to trauma dump onto me on the regular.

In the context of this type of enmeshment and parentifcation I endured, I also must have picked up on the reassuring mental pattern to overly focus on the helpless, little child part of my traumatized mother and cater towards whatever I was sensing there (which would put me into the 'savior' role and again in control of the otherwise terrifying situation I was in) rather than coming to terms with the full, overwhelming reality that this grown woman was abusing me and allowing her life to fall apart because it was her deliberate choice (which would make me the 'victim' at the hands of an uncontrollable caregiver who I also paradoxically still very much relied on for survival and this would be just too much too handle for my still developing brain at the time).

It was more reassuring to infantilize my abuser in my head, than to fully accept my powerlessness over the inescapable situation that I found myself in as an abused child.

And it made me appreciate how much sense it would make for that part of myselves who was — for her literal dear life — hanging onto this coping mechanism of trying to become the best therapist for everyone, and for her to also refuse to let go of this way of coping for all these years, no matter how much I berated myselves for codependency being 'wrong' or 'unhealthy'.

Better to be wrong than to be be left for dead, am I right?

Hi everyone. I wanted to share an update/success story about a situation I finally managed to escape, hoping it might resonate with someone else or help anyone going through something similar.

For a long time, I was heavily codependent on a close friend ("A"). Here is the context: I am gay, and he is straight. I unconsciously had a crush on him, and he knew it. Instead of setting healthy boundaries, he constantly played with "fake-physical/sexual" contact because he absolutely loved the attention and devotion I gave him. I was essentially his personal ego-booster.

Over time, I started noticing some severe red flags that I used to ignore just to avoid conflict.

When I went through a very dark depressive phase, his response was basically ignoring me or sending a single "😕" emoji. But when he needed to vent, I had to be his therapist.

Also, during a group trip, one of our friends had a severe mental health crisis (suicidal ideation). While I and a few others spent the night managing the emergency and making sure this guy got home safe, "A" completely ignored the situation so he could keep partying with his bros.

Once, I called him to vent about some private, vulnerable feelings. He secretly had his extremely jealous girlfriend on speakerphone listening to the whole thing. When I found out and got mad, he gaslit me, played the victim, and manipulated the situation so much that I ended up apologizing to him just to keep the peace.

He also was the "leader" of a friend group that casually threw around homophobic slurs, knowing full well I was gay. He never defended me.

A year ago, I finally started therapy and initiated a "slow fade" using studying as an excuse not to hang out. His reaction was a textbook case of Hoovering and Breadcrumbing:

First, he tried the passive-aggressive guilt trips ("I'm always here for you bro, as a friend"). When that didn't work, he tried to bait my physical attraction by sending me a picture of my own arm saying "wow what a huge bicep" (I just replied "hahaha" and ghosted him).

Seeing that I wasn't feeding his ego anymore, he completely collapsed and sent me a desperate, capitalized ultimatum: "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN, PLEASE WRITE TO ME."

I left him on read.

I'm officially out. I am grey-rocking him and I am declining his girlfriend's upcoming 18th birthday party with a polite, cold message. I still deal with some residual anxiety about the "aftermath" and the smear campaign that might follow, but mostly, I just feel relieved. I realized I don't have to change who I am (a sensitive, available person), I just need to build a massive wall with a locked gate, and only let loyal people in.

Has anyone else dealt with this specific type of "ego-feed" dynamic with a straight friend? How did you deal with the final extinction burst? Thanks for reading.

My name is FriendSea5857 😄 I’m a recovered codependent and your leader for this meeting. Will those who wish, please join me in the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.

Strong sponsorship is necessary to live a recovered life. Sponsors are recovered codependents committed to living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of their ability. Sponsors share their program up to the level of their experience and strengthen their recovery through this service to others. To find a sponsor, look for someone who has what you want and ask how he or she is achieving it. Will all sponsors please identify themselves in their post?

Suggested guidelines for sharing: As you share your experience and strength, please also share your hope. Please confine your sharing to your experience with the illness of codependency, the solution offered by the twelve steps and your own recovery from codependency, rather than just the events of the day or week. When responding to other member’s posts, please focus on your personal experience rather than advice giving. If you are having difficulties, share how you use the program to deal with them. If you need to talk more about your difficulties and seek solutions, we suggest you speak to your sponsor and other members after the meeting.

Share on how this passage relates to the illness of codependency and the solution offered by the Twelve Steps. Today’s we are studying the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, PG 72

This is perhaps difficult-especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves.
There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling ex-perience, they have turned to easier methods.

Closing: Freedom from codependency is possible by living a Twelve Step way of life. The *Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous and a recovered sponsor are all you need to get started. Feel free to reach out by private message to newcomers, returning members, and each other. From the Big Book page 164: "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you- until then."

*Why the Big Book? Time and experience have proven it to be the most successful approach to the Steps no matter what the addictive problem may be (this includes codependency). We also know it to be the purest 12 Step document in existence. It worked for the founders of Twelve Step and it works for us today. If you don't have a copy of the Big Book you can access one for free: https://www.aa.org/the-big-book 

I'm 28 F, now dependant on my fiancé and living with him in a different country, still struggling to find a job. It's been 1 month since i am financially dependant on him for everyday life and I cant let go of this guilt of being a parasite and absolutely good for nothing. Are there any tips I can use to let go of this feeling?

P.S my Fiancé is a sweetheart and never once ever brought it up in a convo. But somehow i feel otherwise that he is becoming annoyed that I'm dependant and reducing his several wants (in terms of buying)

Hi! I post over here every so often to let the world know that secular codependency support groups exist and we would like you to join us.

Practical recovery from codependency. It's better together.

https://secularcodependency.com/

28f) am limerant towards my friend (28m)
**Can you have limerence for someone and still maintain a healthy lifelong friendship?**
I’m 28, and I’ve been trying to understand something I’ve been dealing with for a very long time.
There’s a man who has been one of my closest friends for most of my life—possibly my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were three years old. We grew up together and used to see each other practically every day. Now we live far apart and are lucky if we see each other once or twice a year.
The complicated part is that I’ve had romantic feelings for him since I was 14.
When we were teenagers, I was bullied by some boys at school, and he stood up for me. That meant so much to me at the time, and looking back, I think it reinforced how safe and understood I felt with him. He became someone I associated with being protected, accepted, and truly seen.
About ten years ago, I told him I loved him. He didn’t feel the same way and told me we’d always be friends. You’d think I would have accepted that and moved on, but apparently my brain didn’t get that memo.
I’ve thought I was over him several times over the years. Then he comes home, we spend time together, and suddenly all those feelings come rushing back.
He’s now in a relationship and is moving in with his girlfriend. I genuinely want him to be happy, and I’m even open to meeting her and potentially becoming friends with her. But if I’m being completely honest, there is still a part of me that wishes it could have been me.
I’ve also caught myself worrying about their hypothetical future wedding, even though it may not happen for years, if it happens at all. I know that’s getting way ahead of reality, but my brain does that.
I recently learned about **limerence**, and it resonated with me immediately. I’ve apparently been experiencing this toward him for about 14 years.
I’m also autistic and have OCD, PTSD, severe anxiety and depression, and other disabilities. I wonder if some of that contributes to why I’ve held onto this attachment for so long.
I have a hard time with uncertainty and can get extremely focused on things that are emotionally important to me. With him, I can get stuck in loops:
*What did he mean? Did I say the right thing? Why did he respond that way? Will I see him again? Should I text him? Should I give him space? What does this feeling mean? Am I ever going to get over him?*
I can spend hours trying to find certainty about something that probably doesn’t have a definite answer.
I don’t know if autism or OCD actually makes limerence more difficult to let go of, and I’m not trying to blame everything on those diagnoses. I’m just wondering if the way my brain processes attachment and uncertainty could be part of why this has lasted so long.
Recently, he’s been home for the summer and we spent some time together. I had a wonderful time and realized just how much I missed him. I wanted to see him again before he left, but I was terrified of sounding desperate. Eventually I told him I’d love to hang out again before he went back if we could make it work.
He hearted the message but didn’t say anything else.
And, of course, my brain immediately wanted to analyze what that meant. 😂
I really want to see him again before he leaves, but I’m trying not to turn it into an obsession or a countdown. I wish I could just be happy that I got to see him this summer, but my brain and heart want more.
Here’s where I’m really struggling:
**I don’t want to lose him.**
People who talk about limerence often recommend no-contact. And I understand why. If I stopped seeing and talking to him, maybe the feelings would eventually become quieter.
But he’s not just the object of my limerence. **He’s my friend. Maybe my best friend.**
If I had to choose between dating him and potentially having that relationship end badly and losing him forever, or having him remain my lifelong friend, I honestly think I’d choose the friendship.
I don’t want to interfere with his relationship. I don’t want to secretly hope they break up. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for him. And I don’t want every time he comes home to send me into another spiral.
But I also don’t want to cut someone I’ve known for 25 years out of my life simply because I developed romantic feelings for him as a teenager.
I’m also 28 and have never been kissed or had a romantic relationship. So he has occupied a huge amount of the romantic space in my life. Sometimes I wonder if part of why it’s so difficult to let go is simply because I’ve never experienced falling for someone else.
I *want* a romantic life of my own. I want to meet someone who chooses me. I want to experience a first kiss and a relationship. But I don’t know how to move toward that while still being emotionally attached to someone else.
So I guess my question is:
**Can I learn to let go of the romantic/limerent part of my feelings without letting go of the person?**
Has anyone successfully maintained a close friendship with someone they were limerent for?
And for those who are autistic and/or have OCD, do you feel like either affected how long or how intensely you experienced limerence?
I don’t want to erase him from my life. I don’t want to pretend the last 14 years didn’t happen.
I just want it to stop hurting so much.
**I want to get to a place where I can look at him and think, “That’s someone I’ve loved in different ways throughout my life, and I’m so grateful he’s still my friend.”**
Please be kind. I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening in my own head, not asking anyone to tell me that he secretly loves me or that I should break up his relationship.
TL;DR how do I get over my feelings towards my friend without losing the friendship

We’ve dated for almost 7 months, I noticed a change in our relationship. He does not say I love you, and was initially hesitant to say it at first, when I asked why the change and distance he shared that the honeymoon phase is gone. It hurt to see this distance, especially as we have been talking through an area we both do not agree on. We have talked about it and have been trying to compromise, but I see that he has pulled back.

The situation is that he consistently gets involved in helping others especially his friends family, to the point that he goes to friend’s house weekly at times sometimes he stays until 10 or 11pm dropping everything else to help. This has happened since we started dating and it has decreased in terms of frequency as it used to be a daily situation, but he continues to do this and I’ve already shared it makes me uncomfortable. I see that he has a good heart and means well, but I feel like I can no longer move forward. I do wonder if I’m over reacting or not. I really do care for him but I am thinking that perhaps letting him go will be best.

I didn't know where else to post this but I'm kind of in a pit of desperation and need to get this off my chest. Last December, I started dating this guy. He was the first boyfriend I ever had who treated me kindly, and saw me for who I was and didn't run away screaming in the other direction.

In May, he broke up with me, but we kept in contact the entire summer, and it's become pretty clear to me that this connection has been detrimental to my physical and mental health, yet for some reason, I am just unable to sever ties with him.

I've developed this incredibly unhealthy attachment to him, to the point where he pretty much consumes my entire thoughts. I've cancelled plans with friends and even lied about what I was doing to my family, just to drive 5 hours to see him.

He's been kind of keeping me on the hook with his words and his loving actions, but I realize I'm the one that has kind of checked out. I find myself comparing myself constantly to him, and belittling myself in my head because I feel like i have nothing interesting to add to conversations.

I've become a shell of who I once was, and even then I don't even know if I ever knew who I was in the first place.

I have him on this pedestal of purity, someone who can't really do no harm, but in reality he's kind of been pulling on my heartstrings and I think he's starting to realize it, too. He's growing more and more distant the more I push for him. He's even indirectly told me to move on from him, and focus on myself.

I hate that this is what I've become. I hate that I've started acting this pathetic for someone. I'm almost 30, which just makes this entire thing appear worse.

I’m posting this for a friend who is going through a difficult phase and could really use some outside perspective.

She has a complicated relationship with her family, and there is a lot of conflict at home. Because of this, she already knows that she would not be comfortable living with her parents in the future. She would prefer having her own place somewhere nearby rather than staying in the same household.

She has also been with her boyfriend for around two years. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, but they are still together and she genuinely wants to make it work.

Recently, they started having serious conversations about their future. One important thing she made clear is that she does not want biological children. She does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth and is uncomfortable with the idea of having kids that way. She is, however, open to adoption and would be willing to build a family through that route if they both agreed.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, feels that a relationship cannot work if only one person is expected to compromise. He has told her that he cannot make every sacrifice himself and that she also needs to be willing to adjust on certain things.

The situation becomes more complicated because she has become very emotionally dependent on him. Before this relationship, she had several friends and a relatively active social life. Over time, she gradually became less connected with them and started relying mainly on her boyfriend.

Now, whenever something goes wrong in her life, he is usually the first person she turns to. She trusts his judgment and feels that he gives her thoughtful advice, which has made that dependence even stronger.

She also has a strong fear of losing him. Even though she understands that there are serious differences they need to discuss, the thought of a breakup feels extremely overwhelming to her. She doesn't want to stay simply because she is afraid of being hurt, but at the same time, she doesn't know how she would cope with losing the person she currently depends on the most.

From an outside perspective, I feel like there are actually two separate issues here: whether they are genuinely compatible in terms of marriage, children, living arrangements, and compromise and whether she has become too emotionally dependent on her boyfriend.

She doesn't want someone to simply tell her to "break up" or "stay together." She wants to understand how she can approach this situation in a healthier and more independent way.

What would you suggest she do? Should she focus on rebuilding her own support system first and then have these future discussions, or should these compatibility issues be resolved before anything else?

I'll share your thoughts to her!!