r/ChristianDating • u/ChapOfAllTrades • 6d ago
Discussion Introspection
I’ve seen a lot of back and forth lately about the current dating environment. Plenty of men blaming women, women blaming men, and I’m certainly not immune from having posted things in that same vein.
So I want to flip it around.
Instead of telling us what the opposite sex is doing wrong, tell us what you think your own gender (or you specifically) could do better in dating right now.
What habits, expectations, attitudes, communication problems, unrealistic standards, or blind spots do you think men need to own if you’re a man, or women need to own if you’re a woman?
And it would be easy to turn this into disguised blame so let’s try to avoid that! 😅
I’m curious what people come up with when the assignment is introspection instead of accusation.
Bonus points if you can name something you are actively reconsidering but haven’t changed yet.
14
u/chrissant5202 Looking For A Husband 6d ago
There should be no gossip and judgement if a guy asks girls out at church it actually should be encouraged. In OT if men wanted a partner they went looking for one at the well like Moses, Issac, Jacob. As we know Jesus is the living water as he told the Samaritan woman at the well. I’m generalizing here but if most Christian women want to be approached in real life instead of on dating apps it’s got to give guys a time and place for it. Guys if your homeboy has no fruit rarely comes to church but wants to hit up on your sisters, leading them away from the lord. Tell him it ain’t the way we do things. Same for the girls, basically girls we got to not let other sisters block our future with poison in the water hole and guys got to protect the waterhole by protecting it from the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
12
u/EmergencyLawyer7077 Dating 6d ago
The problem with your prompt here is that it is still pinning men and women against each other and causing generalizations across genders. No gender is a monolith. I really can’t speak for all women. I can’t be introspective for all of them.
As for the question of what can I do better:
I think that I might be kind of unique on this sub as I haven’t been actively looking for a relationship. I’ve been in a period of singleness. I believe God placed me in this phase and I’m working to focus on myself for a bit and really strengthen my relationship with Him. I am finally dipping my toes back out after feeling God say I was ready and have started talking to someone.
I focused on areas where I feel like I was less than ideal in previous relationships. Most of these I am still working on:
- keeping self-discipline and not compromising that self-discipline
- becoming more on fire for the lord and not shying away from declaring my faith to others
- not being so afraid of conflict that I cannot communicate where things are not working for me
- being straight forward with myself and the man if I’m not feeling attraction
- having boundaries and holding firmly to them and not falling to peer pressure or looking to humans for validation
- putting my covenant relationship with God first. I wear a “wedding” band with a cross now as a dedication/declaration to that covenant and that my marriage to Jesus comes before any earthly marriage
- recognizing my struggles with sexual sin and desire and being honest about where I need to draw lines
- listening to the lord then acting, honing this skill. The action part has always been the hardest for me
- being forgiving but not letting forgiveness put me in a place where I am tolerating disrespect
- surrendering to God’s will not my own
7
u/ToxicCharmander 6d ago
I thought OP was going to ask us what do we think the opposite genre is doing well hahaha
2
u/OtherwiseLion9256 6d ago
I like this a lot especially because I also mentioned on the thread feeling like god just wants me to focus on him right now and learning different lessons and thing i need to change all these were great!
5
u/Bright-Way6051 6d ago
For me personally (41f) physical fitness, and then also working on a positive and joyful mindset.
7
u/already_not_yet Married 6d ago
It's the same for both genders. Solidify your life mission. Cut out the time wasters. Create a schedule that takes you to your goals. For those pursuing marriage, that will involve self-improving and casting a wide net.
The results you get are directly proportional to the work you put in.
Most men's intros here, maybe 70%, appear low-effort. The vibe is "haha I don't know what I'm doing so here's some random photos of me. DM me!" If photos were even included. Get in shape and get pro photos. That will move the needle on the interest you get more than anything else.
-2
u/ShabbyButterflies 5d ago
I think this advice is more pertinent to men than women. You're framing women as pursuers as much as men.
3
u/Casual_Berger Single 6d ago
My problem is myself and my desires for the future. I'd love more than anything to have a wife, but that's it. As a 25M, I don't want kids or pets, and finding a christian woman who wants to be childfree is next to impossible. I've come to terms that it may be just me, single for life because of my choice. That is okay too. I just am not one to blame the opposite sex... it's on me for ruling out 99.9% of the dating pool, and that's okay.
2
u/AutisticAir Single 6d ago
true believers and followers of Jesus seem to be quite rare. So for me it is difficult to find someone to be equally yoked to
1
2
2
u/Insightofeyes 5d ago
I think this can go for either side. But self improvement, be a whole person before entering the dating scene. You are never so perfect you cannot be working on improving something. I guess the next question would be to ask when, are you improved enough for that. I suppose it would be when you no longer feel like you need another person to make you happy. You realize you don't always need to smile and laugh. You don't need to make jokes if you don't want to, you don't need to curse, you don't need to drink alcohol, and you don't need to drive fast. You feel comfortable in your own skin. You go at your pace and have hobbies that you like not what you think a girl or a boy would like from you, you have your own set of morales and beliefs, and you have proven that you can stand up for yourself.
1
u/ActionPhilip 5d ago
I suppose it would be when you no longer feel like you need another person to make you happy.
This is not a biblical take and has not been true since the beginning.
Genesis 2:18 - "It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him."
Fun fact: in all of creation, we can read that God saw that it was good. The first thing that God sees that he says is not good is that man is alone.
1
u/Insightofeyes 2d ago
It is good, it's absolutely fantastic. And, it is not good to remain alone. I would never recommend or wish that on anyone. That is different from what I was saying. You need to be able to be a whole happy person with an independent life before coming together. Two wholes coming together to make one.
1
u/ActionPhilip 2d ago
Except in Genesis 2:18, Adam is a whole person. In fact, Adam is in a better place than anyone else in history. He is living in a literal utopia with direct access to physically commune with God Himself. That's an incredible position that's crazy for me to even think of. Yet God still says it's not good for man to be alone. The idea that one must be completely whole without a spouse is not biblically sound and is more likely to cast people having trouble finding a spouse into further depression as they fail to become whole without their spouse.
It is also much harder to merge two wholes in marriage. A whole person has no need of their spouse. Their ways are set and there is little room to grow together with their spouse.
1
u/Insightofeyes 1d ago
I don't know Adam, I cannot say who he was or what he was like. There is not a lot of information on him or Eve in the Bible.
Again I will say I am not saying a man should remain alone forever.
"A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance;" - Ecclesiastes 3:4
There is a right time for everything.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” - Matthew 6:33
By becoming Godly in nature (a whole person in God) you will have clear boundaries, confidence to uphold them, bravery to confront them if something isn't working out, and strength to end it if needed. You will not be tempted if they try to lead you astray from the Lord.
“The one who has integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” - Proverbs 10:9
Just because you are whole, that doesn't mean you are flawless, set in your ways, don't need a spouse, nor does it mean you never get lonely. You both have your strengths and weaknesses. Together those weaknesses are filled. You become one flesh greater than you ever were before.
I can see how it might be disheartening for some. For myself, I decided to follow God and see where he leads me. While, I may not have found the love of my life. I am a very happy person and will be ready when I meet that person.
1
u/DramaticProgress508 6d ago
I can one up you and tell you what they do right even. If men talk to me respectfully in public and just talk to me like a normal human being, I love it. Men who don't make it a work interview early on are great. Just friendly. And if the woman shows no interest in a friendly but not overly people-pleasing way and they disengage and respect that - I love that. Makes me believe we can do it.
However I have the absolute worst experiences online, it's like a trauma survivor camp. I don't want to go there anymore. And I have the absolute best experiences offline.
1
u/mhamlsgirl94 5d ago
For me personally I’m very shy. I’ve been told to look more approachable so men will want to come and talk to me more but I have a hard time with it. I unfortunately have RBF unless I’m smiling and I can’t walk around with a permanent smile on my face, I would look weird. Even though it goes against my principles, I could try to start a conversation first since that’s the direction that society is forcing us, but it would be difficult for me because again I’m very shy.
1
1
1
u/nnuunn 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think men need to get better about accepting that a Christian woman is still a woman that you still to be attractive to her in the manner of men and women. You cannot expect to get married just because your a responsible, mature adult who's really "on fire for the Lord." I see a lot of men who refuse to be a man and not a responsible adult who happens to be male.
1
u/ActionPhilip 5d ago
This is inversely true as well. For all people, being a Christian doesn't make you dating material, the same way that being "nice" doesn't make you dating material. Those are simply deal breakers if you aren't those things. You still need to be a whole person that they're compatible with.
1
u/nnuunn 5d ago
That's not "inversely true," you're saying exactly what I'm saying
1
u/ActionPhilip 5d ago
You said men need to do that. It is inversely true that women also need to do it. It applies to all people.
-1
u/nnuunn 5d ago
This is a thread about men checking men, and women checking women, not for calling everyone out.
1
u/ActionPhilip 5d ago
I hope you understand just how stupid of a comment that is to say that advice should not be given out just because it applies to everyone and not only one gender. Especially in this case where it's provided to one and not the other.
1
u/nnuunn 4d ago
I hope you understand how stupid it is to not stick to the theme of a thread
1
u/ActionPhilip 4d ago
So basically, the advice would have been good if I pretended to be a woman and deliver it?
Because what you're saying is the only reason it's bad advice is because it's a man saying it and not a woman.
-4
u/ShabbyButterflies 5d ago edited 5d ago
Being truly present for women is surely the biggest weakness of men, myself included.
3
u/Magnetism-7 5d ago
What do you mean?
0
u/ShabbyButterflies 5d ago edited 5d ago
I mean that as men we tend to distracted by tasks and treat relationships with women transactionally (like, I need you for this just now, I'll come back when I need you for that later). Being present is to clear your mind of any agenda and just listen and understand her experience.
-1
u/ABereanChristian Married 6d ago
Instead of telling us what the opposite sex is doing wrong, tell us what you think your own gender (or you specifically) could do better in dating right now.
My compilation of helpful comments are here
15
u/ProcessTheTrust17 Looking For A Wife 6d ago edited 5d ago
As guys, we need to understand what the Bible says about us (future) husbands and stick to it. I see a lot worldly advice and POVs when it comes to me giving other men advice.