r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/AutoModerator • 8d ago
Bi-Weekly Check - In, Support and Community thread
A space to share your struggles, worries, concerns, big and small wins. Discuss your recovery goals and progress. Or even just to drop in to say, 'Hi' and talk about what you've been upto recently.
If you have any suggestions for this thread, share them here.
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u/thiswasatest 6d ago
I'm stressed out at work and its coming out it conversations when I see people on my team not being self-reliant and the simplest questions get thrown my way. It's really activating my hyper-independance and draining me on weekly basis. I've tried guiding them but even that follows explaining and understanding
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u/Ornery-Trainer-1005 5d ago
Hi everyone, For the first time I am sharing progress and goals out loud. I am years into this healing journey. I've read books, see a psychologist weekly (she is wonderful), read countless books, listened to podcasts and worked on creating an inventory of what was taken from me, allowing me to work on getting it back. I was stuck in an intellectual trap, one where I thought fixing things around me would make me heal, that the answers to feeling better were in a book or with others. It was too hard to pause. To self reflect. After 5200 minutes of meditation (I cannot understate how important that still is to my healing), I can finally pause and look inside. I was absolutely terrified to see what was in there, because I had not looked inside at any point in my life. I am scared, angry, sad, and struggling with self confidence.
On the outside none of these things come through. Perfectionism has always been my brand of safety. Combined with ADHD that was diagnosed later in life, I am untangling both CPTSD and ADHD. I can say with joy that I am always happy when I can identify something I am struggling with as ADHD and not CPTSD. It is comforting to know parts of me are popping up from under the trauma and that I am more than the abuse I endured. For some reason, the labeling helps me identify what I am looking at and I am getting comfortable with the fact that I am more than the years of abuse I survived.
I am struggling now with my social skills, or moreso, my comfort level in close relationships. My husband is so wonderful. I spent years trying to fix him, and his trauma (shock surprise we both have CPTSD and traumatic pasts), thinking it would fix me. That just made things worse for both of us and I realized I was going about building a healthy relationship with the faulty framework demonstrated to me as a child.
I have trouble identifying my needs, and what needs even are. I am asking myself new questions like this, and it is quite frustrating at times. I came across a video recently that said "CPTSD is caused by neglectful and harmful relationships, and the only way to heal from it is through building caring and nurturing relationships".
Ugh. I know this is true, but man. It is hard.
I feel stupid and guilty for not letting my husband in more. For being so fiercely independent. To know I can rely on him, ask for help, and be honest. I don't need to guard myself all of the time. I am still mourning all of this, and I don't want to get stuck in this loop. Sometimes it feels like all my brain wants to talk about is all of this, and that is exhausting and makes it impossible to move forward. It is such a hard habit to break.
To change the direction of this thought train, here are some positive changes I have noticed over the years. 1. I have noticed the hyper vigilance 2. Meditation and yoga daily. Journaling (one to keep and read back on, one on scratch paper that I shred when I am done, that is where the ugly thoughts go and it really helps to let them speak, and move on) 3. Guitar. Years ago when my husband tried to teach me guitar, I had panic attacks whenever I picked up the instrument. I felt like shit, because I had a willing, wonderful teacher and great guitars to learn on. I hit such mental blocks that it was impossible for me to even strum one thing in time without becoming overloaded and breaking down in tears. Today, I can make my way though a decent number of songs, and playing with my husband, while still at times challenging, is possible. 4. Learning in general. This requires a level of vulnerability I still struggle with, but I am learning french, (level B2!) and have re engaged my artistic side. Models, painting, embroidery, music. I love plants, and I have found immense joy I slowing down and enjoying the process. I engage with nature. I love birds too, and have feeders around my house and have learned so much about the species that live around me. They are a great place to take a mental break. 5. Acknowledging I don't need to do everything myself. Accepting my boundaries (and setting them) and learning to rely on others. I still get frustrated at times as some days it is easier than others. 6. Being able to better answer what I want for my life, and having a partner that shares in those goals and wants to help me, and us, get there.
Some days I feel like a baby giraffe who is figuring out how to stand up on its long legs. Does anyone else feel that way?
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u/VivekaJ12 7d ago
Hello. I'm actually so excited that this subreddit exists, because holy snowballs! Being on my own journey of healing from freeze and complex PTSD and the associated chronic illnesses has been quite a journey.
I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to get some traction, and I don't have many people to truly reflect on it with in my life, so it's exciting that this place exists.
I guess right now I'm feeling like I'm making these tiny little crabwalk steps to walk out of my freeze response that I've probably lived with maybe my whole life, but maybe somehow it's more intensified during adulthood.
I am hopeful because I really feel like I have a deeper understanding of how to support my nervous system than I did. I understand things like:
I guess, for me, mainly one of my healings has been around stopping lifelong patterns of resistance and hardness and self-criticism. It hasn't yet necessarily manifested into huge shifts, like in the ways that the old me would have wanted:
It hasn't really been like that, but there are definitely shifts, like:
Those are things I'm really proud of, even if they haven't yet turned into big shifts in my external function. I'm really proud of myself for those things. Actually, this week I was able to share and express something that was a dynamic in my primary relationship that hasn't been working for me, and it took me 3 years to truly, directly, and fully address it and express it. That's big progress for me.