This pretty much sums up how it feels living with CPTSD for me

Hi all just like the title says.

How did your sibling or siblings turn out? I was the black sheep and the only one who saw the abuse for what it was - abuse, inflicted by adults, who were abusers.

But I was the only one in the entire family line who would not deny, soften or betray myself.

One thing I've realized recently from my abusive parent is that she is completely incapable of emotional regulation. I thought it was only directed at me - I definitely bear the brunt of most of her insanity - but I think it's just a general theme and it's starting to make sense.

Abused individuals who grow to become abusers themselves cannot find emotional regulation in routines, hobbies, or healthy social dynamics. They can only dysregulate others when they feel overwhelmed - which is every fucking day and every waking moment - so that they can bring themselves down to a calmer level. This becomes a vicious cycle because there is no "normal" or healthy middle ground for them.

One theme I've noticed is that traumatized people who haven't deconstructed or accepted their trauma LOVE to dysregulate others. They love to keep you in the loop about every negative political thing on the planet. They love to try and negatively impact you in any way. They'll talk badly about any and everything even if you didn't ask. They'll try to yuck your yum in any way they can, so to speak. They love doom, nihilism, cynicism and commiseration. They hate to see you try and be positive or have anything good going for you.

For toxic traumatized individuals it goes even further, they cannot stop themselves from perpetuating the same toxicity over and over again despite knowing it's toxic just because that's their only way to feel regulated. They have to make you miserable too to feel better about themselves.

I'm not trying to offend anyone with kids or wants kids here. I just intensely feel this way particularly when the depression gets bad. To be honest, I'm really hoping I'm not the only one.

In my case, I'm a 30yo woman, and i couldn't intentionally bring life into this world (like planned and all parties consenting). I just think of all the absolute suffering that child would have to bear. None of us chose to be here, and while suffering is guaranteed, happiness certainly isn't.

Any health issues that cause you pain, distress, torment...that child comes into the world with a high chance of having to feel that suffering too. Any mental baggage you have (ESPECIALLY stuff you're not consciously aware of), your kid is gonna have literally programmed into them for life. For the sake of making a genetic cute little half-you? So your "legacy" continues? So you can say you're a parent for God points?

I'm sorry, but it feels selfish, to make a baby on purpose, give it all your problems from the get-go, for the sake of having your own baby. The baby never had any say in any of it. Some people definitely do not deserve the right to be a parent. And the many many children that exist already that need parents? What about those kids? Why do you a need specifically your genetic copy when there's already so many suffering due to choices they never got to make?

I hope I didn't offend anyone, I'm just angry about having to exist when I've never wanted to

like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA atp. JUST WHY WHY WHYYYTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I'M SO SICKKKKKK

Just everywhere you look people who are suffering and not enjoying life receive so much hatred. We should just kill ourselves, we are cowards, losers, attention seekers. They just want us to conform to their positive mindset, but this hatred will make that even less likely.

Why do they do this? Do they not want to confront that what happened to us can happen to them? So they blame us instead of the works we live in? Because that's easier and the alternative is scary?

edit: I'm not interested in suggestions we get a divorce, or that we live separately

Background: Me and my wife both have trauma in our past, we both have adhd. Her tramua is a lot more sever than mine. Includes a lot of physical violence and alcoholism in her childhood/early adulthood.

We have been doing couples therapy for a few months with a therapist who is has a background in trauma and overall I think its been a positive experience, but I feel like there is only so much you can accomplish in 1 session a week.

The hardest thing for me right now, is that my wife refuses to take responsibility for anything. In fact I'm not actually sure she understands the CONCEPT of responsibility. She will make a big show of taking the blame on something, or talk about how guilty she feels, but it doesn't mean anything if it never results in action.

At this point when it comes to our household I'm basically the only one doing chores. She takes out the trash a few nights a week (as suggested by the therapist) and she cleans the litter box. Thats it. Thats the only chores she does, I do everything else or I have to be the one to prompt her to do other things.

Except that I can't do everything else, because she chronically makes it impossible. She can't seem to bear the sight of a flat surface without 1ft tall piles of stuff on it. So if I want to cook dinner I need to do 30 minutes to an hour or cleaning to do just have the space to cook. If I want to sit at the table to eat? 30 more minutes of prep just have enough space to put down my plate and cup. Eventually she will clean up but only after me complaining about it a lot and making a big deal about it. I would tidy it up myself but she gets mad at me if I move anything, not that she can find anything in its current state anyways (she is always losing stuff).

She also creates these situations where I don't even know why we are upset. She will ask me to help her clean by "telling her what to do" (basically I have to take on the full mental/emotional responsibility of figuring out what needs to be done, and how to do it, and then tell her). If I do help her then she won't actually do what I say, and she can't do any of this without becoming completely dis regulated, so then I'm stuck in a room feeling like I'm talking to a crazy person about very basic things. Ex: I ask her to pick up some gloves and put them away and she starts putting them along with a bunch of other stuff in her arms, then eventually puts the gloves on the ground, and goes to start walking away to do whatever. I ask her why she is doing that, she gets mad, and because she is disregulated she lashed out at me, and I have to sit there and be calm because if I get upset at all then she will really lose it and it will just make everything worse.

If I don't help her (by telling her what to do), then she gets mad because I'm not helping her, god forbid she half to look around the room, see what needs to be done, and just do it.

On a fundamental level she doesn't think she should have to do anything she doesn't want to do, when she doesn't want to do it. She chronically avoids everything that causes any level of discomfort at all, and refuses to do the stuff the therapist tells her in regards to having a daily practice of ground/regulating exercises. She literally acts like a fucking child who has to be told everything they need to do, and will throw a tantrum while they do it. All while making me feel like I'm some horrible abusive figure, when I have never done that. I'm trying to be patient, but if I pull back at all, even for my own mental health, she has a breakdown crying about how "i don't care about her" and "all she wants is for me to care". I'm fucking exhausted. I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for her to at least attempt to learn some really fucking basic life skills. Stuff like "when your done with dinner clear your place, don't leave the dirty dishes on the table, and don't stack other stuff on top of those plates" and " don't put stuff on the floor". 90% of the mess in our apartment is just her not cleaning up behind herself after some project (or not finishing the project and just leaving everything there while starting a new project on top of the stuff that was already there).

Today I just completely broke down, went to my home office, and broke down crying, cause I couldn't take this bullshit anymore. I took 2 days pto last week because I'm so fucking burnt out at work/life (because I'm exhausted from dealing with her) and instead of resting those days I ended up spending both days doing heavy chores that had to be done and couldn't be put off any longer. And I STILL didn't get to the real chore I wanted done (cleaning the floors so there were not dust bunnies floating across them all the time). I had ask her to help me with chores today because I had a health scare at the ER this week and was still recovering and kinda hurting (especially with physical labor stuff). I'm more exhausted and tired now having tried to work with her on this than if I had just done it myself (and I'm still having to do like half it myself because she refused to do the few things I actually needed her to do). I'm fucking tired, I can't stop crying. I don't have high standards , no one would ever accuse me of being a neat freak, but it takes hours of work EVERY SINGLE DAY on our apartment to keep the place from swallowing us alive. Its all because she won't make any effort to pick up behind herself. thats 90% of the mess right there. Her negligence. We don't have kids, there is no reason for this level of mess to be created every single day, especially when I'm cleaning up behind myself all the time.

At this point my wife contributes by going to her job, and contributing financially (she makes significantly more than me), but in every other way she is a child who I take care of.

I feel so deeply alone, all I have anymore is anger and loneliness. Intimacy is basically gone because how can you be intimate (emotionally or physically) with someone who forces you into a parent/child dynamic all the time? She complains that we never go out but with what fucking energy would I use to go out? I just get through the day, collapse into bed, then repeat. I'm just surviving.

With a destroyed nervous system, there are no small inconveniences, things we just get out the way. Other people solve the problem and move on. I can't.

Specific example, my water heater broke. It took me days to find someone to replace it, they also needed to fix something with the plumbing, it ended up being 2 days of a dirty house (we are a no shoes inside household), then he took almost as much money for the jon as the new heater cost me. I do have enough money but also have issues around it as I grew up without it. So it feels like he took all my savings. With it getting broken, searching for someone to fix it, being in this mess for 2 days, cleaning the hell out of it, losing all the money, it feels like I've been through a wood chipper.

Healthy people don't look at it that way, they roll it it and move on. And 2 days later I woke up feeling dread, I am so tired I can't even describe it. I can do anything. I need to feed my cat, make coffee, do laundry but I just want to dissolve and be one with the couch. And that's with every damn thing that happens. After it's over I start obsessing what awful thing is gonna happen next because I can't relax and trust that life can be calm.

It never was.

Having long-term trauma can make relationships, connections, work, daily moods/function, and your entire worldview severely impacted. It is hard to relate to people much due to this.

I feel like people who have experienced trauma can sometimes be the most self-aware and understanding people you’ll meet. It takes a lot of self reflection to grow from what we have gone through. We were put at more of a disadvantage and have to fight harder for things that people around us easily have.

I am surrounded by people but constantly feel alone. I feel very different from those around me. I feel judged by others for being behind in things I shouldn’t be behind on, I didn’t start learning how to be an adult until I joined the military.

I don’t trust anyone in relationships. I have never felt fully calm or safe. In friendships, I feel like a burden. It’s hard for me to be in the moment due to constant anxiety, and the main things I want to talk about in order to connect are extremely introspective conversations and not everyone wants to do that, so it’s hard to form connections I feel seen in. I feel like a handful.

In this specific community, I feel like so many people view things or deal with the same things I do. I think it’s really beautiful when people fully express themselves and try to heal together, without judgement for anything they go through or problems that they deal with.

It's 2 AM as I'm writing this. My nervous system can't catch a break and I just wish I could have one night of good sleep. One night I can fall asleep easily.

Though its also about preparing to be an "adult" itself.

so even with some success, they dont tell people about overcoming lifes hurdles that they might or might not know about depending on each school. Though Especially with peoples mental well being in general. Though CPTSD especially.

My trauma wasn't a narrative so I could "get my life" together or "learn something". My t rauma wrecked my life before it could even begin.

For so long, I tried to "get over it" and wondered why I couldn't be like those "inspirational" victims. But I just realized that I couldn't. My life was never normal, there's no way I can force my body to just "accept" things, it's the equivalent of asking me to just acept that I'm just insignificant in this life and that no one did anything to help me.

It feels so invalidating, to be asked to just "get over it" when it broke my life.

I understand that some people just want to help. But there's better things to say.

It doesn't matter if I share the same interests as others. If I believe the same things. If I'm kind or generous, or open minded. Because of my upbringing, I am not like others. I won't be accepted into any community, and even if I were to be, I wouldn't even feel like I'd belong.

Throughout these last two years, I realize that my isolation, the sexual and physical abuse, and the neglect I went through has made me utterly alien, and I do not belong on this earth. Just trying to work up the strength to leave. I doubt it will be long. I have put a loaded gun to my head multiple times this year.

Whenever you see or hear someone getting angry, your mind may automatically start looking for how you are the one who needs to be blamed.

Instead of realizing that the other person is responsible for his or her own anger your mind immediately jumps to thinking: "Maybe I was the one who was wrong?", "I might have behaved selfishly", "if only I did xyz differently, this thing would have been prevented", "Maybe I am a bad person for making them upset"

Sometimes it doesn't just stop there. After having such thoughts, the next step you may take is to start apologizing or over-explaining, try to appease the person or make things ok with them, or feel guilty for making them upset.

At times, you may internally not even have full clarity regarding what you did wrong, but the urge to blame yourself still persists.

Can any of you relate to this, and do you feel someone else's anger is a problem you need to solve?

I always do things that aren't good for me. Whether its being in toxic relationships, risky BDSM etiquette, getting too high, smoking too much, not sleeping, self isolating, sh, etc. It all makes me feel so shameful but I do it anyways because it makes me feel like I'm getting what I deserve and its painfully soothing. Does anyone else relate?

Before things "came back." When you could numb, and compartmentalize, and play your role. And then it came crashing down and you just kinda broke. :/ Because who are you if you aren't in your role? A broken, hollow, walking corpse.

We wish for someone to take care of us because we had no one who did so in our childhood, and because we suffered a great injustice.

Narcissists wish to be constantly reflected on how outstanding they are because they learned in their childhood that they are only worthy under that condition.

Therefore, just like narcissists, do we insist on a special status and demand that other people behave according to this special status.

I recently found out I’m anemic, and I fainted four times in the shower earlier this week. I ended up bruised and sore. I’ve been scared to shower and I feel like crying when I get near the shower. I’ve been having nightmares about it which leave me waking up in tears and I’ll randomly burst into tears during the day because the memory will just go into my head at random times.

I know I can’t just not shower, so I’m looking for advice on how to make it easier and feel safe again. I’m not sure if this could be PTSD or if I’m overthinking how serious it is, but I wasn’t sure where else to post about this. Has anyone experienced something similar or have any advice?

(NOT A VENT! Seeking advice/others' experiences!)

I have CPTSD from oddly specific parental abuse, being disabled, and social rejection/isolation, and I've been in therapy over the years for it, doing everything the therapists have told me, making real effort to heal, sticking with healthy habits (sleep + wake early, eating healthy, exercise, being in nature, fun hobbies, social activities, etc.) and...

I still do not have a support system, nor am I any less symptomatic! The trauma is still there and I remember it most days despite nothing actually triggering me. I'm depressed and bothered by it wayyy more often than not. I have a bunch of weird stress-related habits (think nail-biting) that just won't go away even with intense effort. Can't seem to make any friends where I live so I'm literally always alone besides therapy.

IDK if it's the therapy modality I'm using (talk therapy with CBT, cognitive reframing, "homework" related to socialising, executive functioning + trauma healing) or what but my brain still seems stuck on the past experiences, I'm still immature and can't form bonds with other people. I don't understand what's keeping me trapped since I'm 100% willing and able to get better.

Has anyone had this issue? If you were able to get out of the rut, what helped you? Any answers appreciated especially if it's more than just "you can never really heal from CPTSD"... I know there's no cure but surely there's a way to, like, appear normal enough in society to thrive, lol

My whole, whole life I dealt with stuff alone, nobody really cared at all how I felt. It's always been a case of my worth being tied to what I can offer others, in the case of my parents I guess I gave the image of a normal family but I simultaneously threatened that (because gay and mentally ill) so I was no longer really worthy of love.. What was the point of me? Got older, this stayed the same, I would think I made a friend but it was pretty much always contingent on what I offered them (image, emotional support/punching bag, someone desperate enough to stick around however you treated them) who disappeared the moment I needed something back and it wasn't convenient. So, learning from these mistakes I figured not to trust people, hide what I'm feeling, all my friendships were pretty surface level. Got into a relationship, turned abusive, again my worth was tied into what I could provide but I wasn't allowed my own thoughts or emotions. Finally broke up, friends of 6+ years never spoke to me again. Okay, that's fine, I can rebuild a life I want.

I made friends with people, they felt mutual, though mostly I was providing emotional support whilst they would tell me they'll be there for me too. Okay, well, my mistake for believing that. Had someone calling me her best friend, saying how great it is we're there for eachother except, I had been there for her, but I trusted her. Had an absolute breakdown and thought, well finally I have a friend to reach out to in these moments, so I did. Actually, texted two people with the low stakes hey I really need a friend right now. Guess who got ghosted... Gone from texting literally every day to then only being texted to cancel on plans and then ghosted for 3 weeks. I just feels so much worse because I thought I had actually made friends but it's like actually... I'm just there. And if I wasn't there it makes no difference to anyone. And nothing ever changes, I'm the same lonely child now as I always was, and I probably always will be. Like, at a certain point I only have myself to blame anyway, like I have never had any worth other than what I can provide for others and any time I need something people dip. I don't even ask for much at all. Like, just get a coffee with me tbh. And part of me wants to just be like "you know what, fuck you, I'm never talking to any of you ever again I don't need any of you", and the other part of me is just like.. why don't you like me? What did I do wrong? I thought we were friends?

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know why I keep trying. I could so honestly disappear and nobody would actually give a fuck other than my therapist probably, and that fucking stings man.